Skip to main content

Full text of "The works of Lucian"

See other formats

€ti¥Mf'- ' 

THE \ 


O F 

L U C I A N, 

V O L. IV. 

w o 

L U 


R K S 

O P 

C I A N, 


-By THOMAS F R A N C K L I N, D, D. 

Some time Greek Profeiror in the Univerlity of Cambridge. 


Jantum obtinet i^n dicendo gratlas, tantumln invenicnclo faelicitatis, tantum 
in jocando leporis, in mordendo aceti ; fie citillat allufionibus, lie feria nu- 
gis, nugas feriis mifcet, lie ridens vera dicit, vera dicendo rider, fic homi- 
num^morcs.aScftus, lludia, quafi peniciHo depingit ; neqiie legenda, fed 
plane Ipeftanda oculis exponlt, ut nulla comasdia, nulla latyracuni hujus 
dialogis confcrri debcat, feu yoluptatem fpeftes, feu fpeftes utilitacem. 





■, V 


f i 




In the Decline of the Roman Empire, when Lu- 
cia n wrote i the Minds of Men were ^ in gene- 
ral, Jlrongly tinctured with that Superjiition and 
Enthufiafm^ which are the natural Conjequences 
of univerfal Vice and Depravity. Ignorance and 
Credulity had even infe^led the Seats of Learning 
and Science ; Philofophy and good Senfe had given 
way to yljirology^ Magic, Incantations, and a 
Belief in Ghojts and IVizards, with many other 
Fooleries of the like Nature : this roufed the Indig- 
nation of our fenfible Satirifl, who, in the Per fan 
o/Tychiad£S, in the follozving Dialogue, by 
the bare Recital of fome Jirange and improbable 
Stories, though related by men of the firfl Cha- 
ra£fers, Jufficiently expofes the Abfurdity of thofe 
who were weak enough to believe them^ Lu- 
ciAN is here, in the jlriEteji Senfe, fplendide 
mendax, and all his Lies are agreeable and enter' 

Vol, IV. B T Y- 

2 The liars, 



CAN you inform me, Fhilocles, what it is 
that excites in men the univerfal paffion 
for lying, which makes them fo happy in 
fpreading falfehoods themfelves, and liftening 
fo eagerly to others who do the fame ? 
There are many things, Tychiades, which 
induce men to tell lies for their own interefl 
and advantage. 

That is not what I mean i 1 did not aik with 
regard to thofe who have a reafon for it, they 
deferve pardon, nay even praife, who pradtife 
it to deceive an enemy, or lave themfelves 
from any misfortune, as * UlyfTes did to pre- 
ferve his own life, and fecure the fafe return of 
his companions; but I am fpeaking of thofe 
who, without any neceffity, prefer lying to truth, 
and delight in it for no reafon whatfoever. 


Know you any in whom this love of falfe- 
hood is fu ftrongly implanted ? 

* UlyJ/es.l Alluding to the artifice made ufe of by UlyfTes 
to efcape the Cyclop, as related by Homer, in the ninth 
book of the Odyffey. 

T Y 

The LYARS. | 




What can we fay for fuch, but that they are 
fools and madmen, who thus prefer the worft 
and meaneft, to the noblell and befl: of things ! 

And yet it is not always fo ; for many have I 
known in other refped:s men of admirable fenfe 
and wifdom, who yet have, I know not how, 
been fo infatuated with this vice, as to be ever 
deceiving others, and themfelves alfo ; you 
know as well as I do, how egregioufly thofe an- 
cient writers ^ Herodotus and -f- Ctefias, and 
before them the famous poets, with Homer 
himfelf amongft them, by their lies, impofed 
upon not only the readers of their times, but 
delivered them down in their beautiful verfes 
even to our own. I blufh for them when they 

* Herodotus.] In this writer, who is certainly one ot 
the moft agreeable liars of antiquity, we meet, as Lucian 
here intimates, with fome very ftrange ftories. Herodo- 
tus, however, it may be laid in defence of him, dots no!: 
himfelf, vouch for the truth of every thing he relates, but 
gives us the lie juft as he found it, leaving his readers to al- 
low it what degree of credit they think proper. 

f Ctcjias.] Who wrote the hiftory of the Perfian war ; 
and, according to all account, told as many lies as Herodo- 
tus, though not halt fo entertaining, 

B z talk-" 

4 The LYARS. 

talk about the I divilion of heaven, the chains 
of Prometheus, the rebellionof the giants, and 
the whole tragic tale of the infernal regions, 
and how Jupiter was turned into a bull, or a 
fwan, and women changed to bears and birds ; 
add to thefe, their Pegafus, Chimseras, Gor- 
gons, Cyclops, and all luch fort of fables, fit 
only to amufe children who are afraid of ghofts 
and fpedtres/ The fidlions of poets, however, 
might be paffed over ; but how abfurd and ri- 
diculous is it, in whole cities and kingdoms, 
to tell public and palpable falfehoods ! the 
Cretans are not afhamed to fhew you the tomb 
of Jupiier, and the Athenians tell you, that 
Erichihonius grew out of the earth, and that 
the firfl men fprung up like fo many cabbages 
from Atric foil ; and yet thefe were more fpe- 
cious liars than the -}" Thebans, who talk of 
men riling up from dragon's teeth. If, on ex- 
amination, you find all thefe things to be fo 
far from true, that they could only be credited 
by a ^ Coi£ebus or Margites, yet if you will not 


:{: Dlvijlon.'] After the death of Saturn j between Jupi- 
ter, &:c. 

f Tbcla7n.'\ Alluding to the flory of Cadmus. See 
Ovid's Metamorphofis. 

* Corahus or MargUe(\ Probably the original names of 
iwo celebrated fools of antiquity, and afterwards ufed in ge- 

The liars. 5 

believe this, nor that -j~ Triptolemus was carried 
through the air on the wings of dragons, that J 
Pan came out of Arcadia, to aflift at the battle 
of Marathon, and that * Orythia was ravilhed 
by the north-wind ; he who will not give cre- 
dit to things fo plain and true as thele, would 
be thought an impious madman : to fuch a de- 
gree hath lying, arid the love of it, gained a 
footing amonglt men. 

P H I L O C L "E S. 
Still poets, Tychiades, and nations too, may 
fland excufed ; for with the one, it gives a re- 
lifh to their fidlions, and charms the reader, 
and with the other, gains a refpedl and venera- 
tion for their coyntry. |j Rob Greece of all her 
fables, and you will flarve the people who fliew 
it; and ftrangers would not thank you for tell- 
ing them the bare truth, even though they pay 

neral to fignity, any idiot. Homer is faid to have written 
a fatirical poem called the Margites, or the Idiot; but it was, 
mofl: probably, like the Battle oi the Frogs and Mice, the 
work of feme one of his numerous imitators. 

■f- Triptolemus.] See Lucian's Dream, and the note upon it., 

i Pan.} In Jupiter the Tragedian. See note onPan. 

* Orythia ] See Ovid's Metamorphofis, b. vi. 

ii Rob Greece, ^c] For a full confutation of 

Quicquid Gra;cia mendax, 

Audet in Hiftoria, 

I refer my res-der's to the learned and ingenious Mr. Bry- 
ant's AnalyGs. 

B 3 nothing 

6 The LIARS. 

nothing for it. Thofe, however, who love ly- 
ing only for lying fake, are, indeed, truly ri- 

T Y C H I A D E S. 

I affure you I think fo; for 1 have this mo- 
ment left Eucrates, from whom 1 heard the moft 
flrange and incredible ftories ; I was obliged, to 
fay the truth, to get away from him as fafl; as 
I could, and even in the midllof his difcourfe : 
his abfurd and abominable tales, like fo many 
Furies, drove me out of his houfc. 


Eucrates is a man of (ixty, a philofopher, 
with a long beard, of credit and reputation, 
and was always confidered as a perfon who 
would never tell a lie himfelf, nor fuffer any 
body elfe to do it in his prefence. 

T Y C H I A D E S. 

And yet you cannot imagine, Philocles, 

what things he advanced, how anxious he 

feemed to have them believed, fwore to, and 

pledged his own children for the truth of them, 

infomuch, that 1 fixed my eyes on him with 

aftonifhment : fometimes 1 thought the man 

was not in his right mind, and at others, that 

he was an impoflor who had deceived me, or an 

afs in a lion's ikin, fo very abfurd and ridiculous 

were the ftories which he told. 


The liars. 7 

Pra)', let us have them, for I ihould be glad 
to know what kind of folly could lay hid under 
that great beard. 


I iifed frequently to vilit him, and this 
morning wanting to meet Leontichus, who, 
you know, is vny old friend, and hearing by 
his boy that he was gone to fee Eucrates, who 
was lick, and which I had not heard of, I 
went to his houfe on purpofe to meet them both 
there : when I came, Leontichus, they told 
me, was juft gone, but there was a good deal 
of company left, amongft whom I found Cleo- 
demus the Peripatetic, Dinomachus the Stoic, 
and Ion, who, you know, is famous for his Pla- 
tonic difputations, and efteemed as the beft ex- 
pofitor of his mailer's tenets ; you fee what ve- 
nerable company I had got into, men of thefirfl 
rank for wifdom and virtue in their feveral feds, 
and whofe very countenances were awful and 
tremendous ; befides thefe, there was Antigo- 
nus the phyfician, who, I fuppofe, had been 
called in to give his advice in the diforder 
which Eucrates laboured under, and which was 
growing better, as it was now getting down 
B 4 again 

8 The LIARS. 

again into his ^ feet : he fpoke to me in a low 
voice, as if diftempered, and defired me to fit 
down by him on the bed, though, as I cair^e 
in, I thought I heard him talking very loud ; I 
took great care not to touch his (qqij and after 
making the ufual excufe, that I did not know of 
his illnefs, but came as foon as ever I did, fat 
down by him; the company were all talking 
about his dillemper, and every one prefcribing 
his own remedy for it : if, faid Cleodemus, you 
take up a weafel from the ground in your left 
hand, killed in the manner I mentioned, and 
wrap it up in the ikin of a lion juft Head, and 
clap it to the leg, the pain will ceafe imme- 
diately ; not a lion's, faid Dinomachus, but, 
as I have heard, a young virgin hind : this, 
indeed, is the moil probable, becaufe the hind 
is fwift, and her ftrength lies in her feet : a lion 
is {trong indeed, his fat, therefore, and his 
right paw, with fome flrait hairs out of his 
beard, properly adminiftered, and with fome 
certain words fuited to the occafion, may do 
much, but not in diforders of the feet. I 

* Fret.} Probably the gout, which, by all accounts, 
was as fafliionable nmongll the Greeks and Romans as our- 
fclves. The difpute between the two learned doiflors, 
whether it was to be cured by the lion's or the hind's Ikin, 
and the realbns in favour of each are full of true humour. 


The liars. 9 

thought formerly, replied Cleodemus, as you 
do, that it fhould be a hind's ikin, becaufe the 
hind is fwift-footed ; but a certain African, 
well {killed in things of this nature, lately in- 
formed me that lions were fwifter than hinds, 
for they frequently purfue and kill them. 
Every body prefent agreed in commendation of 
the African, who, they faid, was certainly in the 
right. And do you really think, cried I, that a 
man can be cured by charms and incantations ; 
that external applications can remove the dif- 
order that is within ? At this fpeech of mine 
they all laughed immoderately, plainly defpifing 
my folly and ignorance, in not knowing things 
which were fo clear and evident, that no man in 
his fenfes would ever dare to contradict them. 
The phyfician alone feemed pleafed at my quef- 
ftion, who, I fuppofe, had himfelf been laugh- 
ed at for advifmg his patient to abftain from 
wine, live upon vegetables, and not talk fo loud. 
Cleodemus fimpered, and faid, " Does it ap- 
pear, Tychiades, fo incredible that thefe reme- 
dies fhould be of any fervice in certain diftem- 
pers?" " Tome, replied 1, it undoubtedly muft, 
unlefs you think me fuch an idiot as to believe 
that an application from without can poffibly 
be communicated to the parts within, or that 
certain charms and hard words can produce a 



The liars. 

cure, which it certainly cannot, though you 
were to wrap up a hundred weafels in the ikin of 
the Nemcean lion, for many a one of thofe noble 
beafts have I feen with his whole fkin on, and 
yet lame himfelf." " You feem, faid Dinoma- 
chus, totally ignorant, and never to have learned 
the wonderful effeds of thefe medicines ; you 
do not believe, I fuppofe, what is clear to every 
body, that intermitting fevers may be cured, 
and the bites of ferpents* charmed away by old 
women j and yet if thefe things are done every 
day, why may not the other ?" " Dinomachus, 
replied I, you draw falfe conclufions, and as 
they fay, only drive out one nail with another, 
for what you mention can never be performed 
by the means which youaffign ; nor will I ever 
believe it, till you can convince me that a fe- 
ver or a fwelling can be frightened away by a 
fpell, or an incantation. I look upon all you 
have advanced, therefore, as fo many old wo- 
men's fables." 

<■' By your talk, faid Dinomachus, you feem 
not to believe that there are any gods, or you 
would not furely deny that diforders may be re- 
moved by divine invocations." " That, faid I, 
my friend, does by no means follow : there 
mav be s:ods, and vet all this be a lie. I am 

a devout 

The liars. n 

a devout worfliipper of the gods, and bear 
witnefs to the cures which they work on men 
by the help of medicine : but ^Efculapius and 
his fons healed the fick by adminiftering good 
and proper remedies, not by lions and weafels." 
" No more of this, interrupted Ion, but let 
me tell you a mod miraculous thing. When I 
was a boy about fourteen, a man came one day 
to my father a*nd told him that Midas, his 
vine-drefTer, a ftrong luily fellow, had been juft 
bitten by a ferpent, and laid with his leg all 
putrified : it feems, as he was tying up the 
branches, a viper had crept up, bit his thumb, 
and returned to his hole. The poor man was 
weeping, and almoft dead with the pain ; for 
we faw him carried by his fellow-fervants on a 
bed, livid, fwelled, and almoft expiring. My 
father feemed much concerned, when a friend 
of his, who happened to be prefent faid, I will 
fend you a man of Babylon, one of the Chal- 
dasans, who can cure him. To cut my ftory 
fhorr, the Babylonian came, and by an incan- 
tation drew the poifon out of his body, at the 
fame time tying a ftone to his foot, which he 
had broke off from the tomb of a virgin lately 
dead. This, perhaps, may feem nothing ex- 
traordinary to you, though the man, which 1 
was an eye-witnefs of, took up the bed which 



The liars. 

he had been brought upon, and walked back 
to his work : fuch effed had the incantation, 
and the flone from the fepulchre. 

" But after this he fhewed ftill greater marks 
of divine power ; for early one morning in' the 
country, he walked thrice round a certain place, 
and after purifying it with torches and fulphur, 
pronounced feven holy words out of an ancient 
book, which immediately drove out all the 
ferpents that were within that circle : drawn 
by his incantation, there came about him in- 
numerable afps, vipers, * ruddocks, and fnakes 
of every kind ; one old dragon, indeed, ftaid 
behind, who was too old to crawl, and there- 
fore did not obey the mandate ; the magician, 
however, who knew by his art that be had 
not got them complete, fent the youngefl: fer- 
pent to the dragon, who came a little after, 
and when he had gathered them all together, 
the Babylonian -f- blovved upon them, and, to 
our great aftonilhment, they were immediately 
confumed." " And pray, faid I, this young 
ferpent that went on the embaff)', did he bring 
the old dragon you talked of in his hand, or 

* RudJocks-.'] Greek, xeprai, the phyfalus of the Red 
Sea, mentioned by Jilian. 

f MloivcJ.] This iscpite In the ftyle of a modern con- 


The liars. 13 

leaning on a crutch ?" " You are laughing at 
nie I fee, faid Cleodemus : I was formerly, I 
own, as incredulous about thefe things as you 
are (for I really could not bring myfelf to be- 
lieve them), but fince I faw the flying ftranger 
from the North, I have been convinced, and 
though for a long time very loth, am at length 
fatisfied : how, indeed, fl:iould it be otherwife, 
when I faw him, in the middle of the day, fly 
in the air, walk upon the water, and pafs flow- 
ly and deliberately through the fire." *^ And 
have you really, faid I, feen this northern hero 
fly thuSj and walk upon the water ?" " I have, 
fays he, and with leathern fhoes, like other 
people's ; not to mention many lirtle things 
which he does, fuch as creating affed:ions, 
driving out fpirits, calling up the dead to life, 
flopping Hecate, and dravving down the Moon. 
I will tell you what I faw him do for Glaucias, 
the fon of Alexicles ; this young man, as foon 
as he came to his eflate, after the death of his 
father, fell in love with Chryfis, the daughter 
of Demenetus ; he was at that time my pupil 
in philofophy, and if it had not been for this 
pafllon, would foon have learned all the doc- 
trines of the Peripatetic fchool, for though 
but a youth of eighteen, he had maflered ana- 
lyfis, and gone through the nature of things : 

I this 

14 The LIARS. 

this love affair, however, had flopped him in 
his progrefs, and he made me his confident in 
it; upon which, as * became his mafter, I 
carried him immediately to this northern ma- 
gician ; gave him four minas down (for he want- 
ed fome money for the facrifices), and promifed 
him fixteen more on the pofTeflion of Chryfis : 
whereupon, as foon as he had got a full moon, 
and performed certain holy ceremonies, he dug 
a deep trench in a particular part of the houfe, 
and, at midnight, firfl called up Anaxicles, 
the father of Glaucias, who had been dead near 
feven months : the old man did not approve of 
the affair, and feemed for a time extremely 
angry with his fon about it, but at length gave 
his confent. The next who appeared was He- 
cate, accompanied by Cerberus, and, after her, 
the Moon, putting on various fhapes, firfl tak- 
ing the fortn of a woman, then of an ox, and 
laflly of a dog; then our cunning man fafhion- 
ed out of clay a little Cupid, and bade him 
go and fetch Chryfis ; away he flew, and in a 

* Became.'] The grave tutor carrying his young pupil to 
a conjuror, and giving him money to procure a girl for 
him, is a fine ihoke on the pious philofophers of that 
time, who, in the true Ipirit of a modern Chefterfield, 
thought it cruel, no doubt, to baulk the young man's in- 
clinations, in fo virtuous a defign as that of keeping a 


The liars. 15 

Ihort time after fhe knocked at the door, came 
in, and embraced Glaucias, with all the marks 
of the ftrongeft love and affection. After 
this, the Moon flew away to heaven, Hecate 
defcended to the earth, the fpcd:res vanifhed, 
and about day-break we let the fair Chryfis out 

*' If you had feen all this, Tychiades, you 
would not, I think, have called in queftion the 
power of incantations." " You are right, faid I, 
if I had feen I Ihould certainly have believed ; 
but you will pardon mc, I hope, if I am not 
altogether fo quick-fighted as you are. I know 
the lady whom you fpeak of extremely well, a 
very loving one fhe is, and with no great dif- 
ficulty to be acquired, nor can I fee any necef- 
fity of fending your little clay ambailador to 
her, or the Moon, or the northern magician; 
as for twenty drachmas fhe would go to the 
Hyperboreans themfelves; this is an incantation 
which fhe always liflens to: though her nature is 
a little different from that of apparitions, for 
they, as you tell us, fly away ar the found of 
brafs or iron, whereas, if fhe hears the leaft 
tinkling of filvtr, fhe will run to you immedi- 
ately. But I am moft furprifed. that this great 
magician himfelf, who might, no doubt, be 
loved by the wcalrhiefl of the fex, and be paid 


i6 The LIARS. 

with many a good talent, ihould be fo ridicu^ 
lous as to employ his art only in making Glau- 
cias beloved." 

" It is ridiculous in you, faid Ion, thus to 
difbelieve every thing ; but what think you of 
thofe, who fet the demoniacs free from all 
their pains and terrors, and charm the evil 
fpirits ? they want not my teftimony, for thou- 
fands will tell you of the Syrian from Pal^ftine, 
fo famous for his cures of this kind ; who took 
fo many poor wretches laying on the ground 
by moon-light, rolling their eyes about, and 
foaming at the mouth, and for a certain fmall 
reward, raifed them up, and fent them home 
quite recovered. He would fland over the evil 
fpirits, and aflv them whence they came ; the 
patient, all the time, fays nothing, and the 
fpirit anfwers in Greek, or fome other lan- 
guage, and tells him how, and from whence he 
came into the man; then, by conjurations, or, 
if that will not do,- by threats, he drives the 
evil fpirit out of him: I havefeen it myfelf, and 
it looked black and fmoaky." " I am not at 
all furprifed, replied I, at your feeing fuch 
things, for even your father Plato's * ideas are 


* Ideal.'] The defcription of ideas, according to the doc- 
trine of PlatOj delivered by Alcinous, is as follows : 

" Ideas 

The liars. 17 

vlfibly feen by you, though fo much thinner 
fubftances, and to us, common mortals, abfo- 
lutely invifible." 

" Ion, interrupted Eucrates, is not the only 
one who has feen fpirits, both by day and by 
night ; I have myfelf, indeed, a thoufand times : 
at firft t was frightened, but at length, by be- 
ing ufed to them, find nothing extraordinary 
in their appearance ; efpecially fince an Arabian 
made me a prefent of a ring of iron, formed 
out of feveral * croffes, and taught me a certain 


*' Ideas are the eternal notions of God, perfe6l in them- 
felves, whether God be intelled, or fomething intelligent; 
he muft have his intelligibles, and thofe eternal and im- 
moveable : if fo, there are ideas ; for, it matter itfelf, be 
in itfelf void of naeafure, it is neceflary that it receive mea- 
fure from fome fuperior, that is wholly remote from mat- 
ter : but the antecedent is true, therefore the confequent j 
and if fo, there are ideas. If the world were not made by 
chance, it muft not only be made of fomething, but ij 
fomething, and not only fo, but after thelikenefs of fome- 
thing ; but, that after whofe llkcnefs it was made, what is 
it but an idea ? whence it followeth, that there are ideas." 

Lucian frequently laughs at Plato and his followers, as 
obfcure, myfterious, and unintelligible: from a view of the 
above explication of ideas, my readers will, probably, be 
of the fame opinion. 

* CroJJcs.] The iron, wood, and probably every part of 
the materials of which the crofs, or gallows, was made, for 
the execution of criminals, was, wemay fuppofe, reckon- 
ed peculiarly efficacious in the exorcifing of ^vil fpirits by 

Vol. IV. C the 

i8 The LIARS. 

incantation, with a number of words in it ; but, 
perhaps, you will not believe me." " How is 
it poffible, replied I, that I fhould doubt the 
veracity of fo wife a man as Eucrates, fpeaking 
with freedom and authority, and in his own 
houfe too ?'* 

" As to the {latue, refumed he, who ap- 
pears to every body, young and old, I need not 
tell you myfelf, for it is known to all the fami- 
ly." " What flatue, faid I, do you mean ?*' 
'' That beautiful one, replied he, which you 
fee as you come into the hall, made by Deme- 
trius." " The I Difcobolus, I fuppofe, you 
mean, bending down as if going to throw the 
difcus, and looking back at the perfon that 
brought it him, with one knee bent, as if pre- 
pared to rife after the caft." *' No, no, that 

the fuperftitious heathens of that time. But fuperflitions 
full as idle and ridiculous as any here recounted, have, 
we know, to our fhame be it fpoken, many ages after, dif- 
graced the enlightened ara of Chrillianity. 

•j- Drfcobolus.~\ From ^kjxk; |SaA7i£it, the thrower of the 
difcus ; a fort of heavy round quoit launched from a thong, 
put through a hole made in the middle ot it; it was thrown 
with a circular motion, one of the thrower's hands being 
near the bread, the other balancing the di£k; the limbs 
being all, as it were, in motion, the attitude fine, and the 
mufcles properly extended, mud have formed, altogether, 
a good figure for the flatuary. The difcobolus of Myro, 
probably the fame as is here taken notice of, is mentioned 
by Quintrlian. 


The liars. 19 

is Myro's ; I do not mean that, nor the next to 
k, which is Polycletus's, that has the head 
bound with a fillet ; pafs over thofe on the 
right hand which reprefent the Tj'rant Killers, 
done by Critias, and obferve that which flands 
by the fountain, with a large belly, bald-pated, 
half-naked, with the hairs of his beard flut- 
tering in the winci, the mufcles ftrong and bold, 
in lliort, the very j' man him fdf; it is the image 
of* Pelichus, the Corinthian general." " Now, 
by Jove, faid I, 1 have him, it is he next to 
Saturn, with the withered garlands hanging 
about him, and plates of geld on his breall.'* 
*' Aye, replied Eucrates, I gave him them for 
curing me of a tertian ague.'* " My good 
friend Pelichus too, it feems." " May be fo, 
replied Eucrates, but do not fcofF, for he may 
be revenged on you by and by ; I know what 
this ftatue, which you laughed at fo, has power 
to do; do you think, if he can cure an ague, 
that he cannot bring one alfo ?" " Kind then, 
faid I, and propitious may he be to me ! but 
what did he do, pray, to you who were in the 
houfe?" " I will tell you, fliid Eucrates; as 
foon as night comes on, he quits the pedeftal 

X Man himfelf.'\ Gr. avrtavfifWTw •/x.stov. See the note on 
* Pelicl'us.'] See Thucydices, b. i, 29, 

C 2 which, 


The liars. 

which ^e {lands on, and takes his walk round 
the houfe ; they frequently meet him finging: 
he never hurts any body if they give way to 
him, but paffes on without doing mifchief : -he 
will often divert himfelf with waihing, and the 
plafliing of the water is heard till the morn- 
ing/' ^' I have a notion, faid I, that this fame 
llatue is not Pelichiis, but Talus the Cretan, 
fon of Minos, who went all about the coun- 
try. If he had been of brafs inftead of wood, I 
fhould have thought him, not the work of De- 
metrius, but one of Dadalus's produdtions ; for 
he ran away, it feems, from his pedeftal." 
'' Take care, faid Eucrates, interrupting me, 
you do not repent of this hereafter; I know 
what happened to fomebody that ftole the oboli 
which we offered to him at the new-moon," 
" Whatever he fuffered, faid Ion, the villain 
well deferved it ; but tell me, Eucrates, how 
was he revenged on him ? I fhould be glad to 
know, though this. Tychiades here will give no 
credit to it.'* ^* A number of oboli, refumed 
Eucrates, lay at his feet, fome pieces of ftlver 
money were aifo glued on with wax about his 
thighs, and fome plates of the fame, which he 
had received as offerings from fome of his vo- 
taries, or in return, for curing them of their 


The liars. 21 

fevers. We had at that time a Libyan flave to 
take care of our horfes : this rafcal had the im- 
pudence to come in the night, and Ileal all 
thefe things away, vvhilft the ftatue was got off 
his pedeftal ; but, as foon as Pelichus return- 
ed, and perceived that he had been robbed, 
mark the vengeance which fell upon the Afri- 
can, and how he was taken : he walked all 
night round about the hall, and could not get 
out of it, but was caught, as it were, in a la- 
byrinth, and at break of day, feized with the 
things which he had ftolen upon him. After 
which, he fuffered grievoully, for every night 
he was terribly flogged, fo that the wales ap- 
peared on his body the next day : he lived a 
little while and then died in the greateft mifery. 
And now, Tychiades, you may laugh at Pe- 
lichus, think me mad, and compare me to * Mi- 
nos*s friend and contemporary, if you pleafe." 
" Eucrates, faid I, whilft the brafs remains, 
brafs he will be, and the work of Demetrius, 
who did not make gods but men ; and as for 
the ftatue of Pelichus, I fhould be no more 
afraid of it, that I fliould of Pelichus himfelf, 

* Mhios'sfr-end.'] Talus, mentioned above; he was em- 
ployed as the prime minifter of Minos, king of Crete, to 
enforce his laws throughout the kingdom, and which were 
engraved by him, as is before remarked, on tables of brafs. 

C 3 or 

22 The I. I a R S. 

or his threats, were he now alive, and before 

" Eucrates, faid Antigonus the phyfician, 
1 have, myfelf, got a little brafs Hippocra- 
tes, about a cubit long, who, every night, as 
foon as the lamp is out, walks all over the 
houfe, makes a violent noife, opens and Ihuts 
the doors, mixes my phials one with another, 
and turns my boxes topfy-turvy, efpecially if 
we happen to defer our annual facrifice to him." 
'* And does Hippocrates, faid 1, at this time of 
day, look for facrifices, and expedl rich offer- 
ings to be made to him ? I think he might be 
fatisficd with a -f funeral cake, a garland for his 
head, or a little milk and honey." 

" And now, faid Eucrates, I will tell you 
fomething that can be well attefted, which I 
faw above five years ago ; it was about the time 
of vintage, when, chancing in the middle of 
the day, to leave the workmen, I rambled by 
myfelf into a wood, wrapped up in deep 
thought and meditation ; I was got into a dark 
place, when on a fudden, methought I heard 

-j- Futural cake.'] It was the cuflom of the Greeks, to 
put into the mouths of their deceafed friends a finall cake 
compofed ot flour, honey, and other ingredients. Virgil 
c.ills it, Melle fopocatam & medicatis frugibus oifam. This 
v^as defigned to appeafe the fury of Cerberus, the famous 
dog of hell, and to procure of hirn a fafe and quiet entrance. 


The liars. 23 

the barking of dogs, and imagined it muft have 
been my fon Mnafo fporting there, and who, 
according to his ufual cuftom, was hunting in 
the thickefl part of the grove : but it was not 
fo ; for, a little after, I heard a Ihaking of the 
earth, and a noife like thunder, when a woman 
of moil dreadful appearance came towards me ; 
Ihe feemed half a Vadium in height, carrying 
a torch in he* left hand, and in her right, a 
fword, about twenty cubits long ; her lower 
parts fetmed formed of fnakes, and from the 
waift upwards fhe was like a Gorgon, with a 
moft horrible and frightful countenance ; in- 
ftead of hair, Ihe had ferpents which hung 
round her neck, and twined like fpires about 
her llioulders. Only obferve, fiys he, my 
friends, how my hairs, even now, ftand an end 
at the recital of it." And faying this, he fhewed 
them all the hairs on his arm, which flood up 
in bridles with the fright. 

All this time, the old fellows. Ion, Dino- 
machus, and Cleodemus, lifl:ened to him with 
open mouths ; permitted him patiently to lead 
them by the nofe, and greedily fwallowed his 
incredible flory of the Coloflus, and his giant 
fpedire half a ftadium high. In the mean while, 
I could not help reflefting how thefe men are 
refpeded and admired by our youth for their 
C 4 wifdom. 

24 The I. I A R S. 

wifdom, though their grey beards alone dlftin- 
guilh them from children, who are not fo eafily 
deceived as they are, by fuch abominable falfe- 

" And how big, faid Dinomachus, were the 
dogs ?" " Taller, replied he, than Indian ele- 
phants, black, rough, and with dirty hides; 
when I faw them, I flood flill, and turned my 
ring on the infide, which the Arabian gave me; 
upon which, Hecate, ftriking the ground with 
her fnaky foot, the earth opened, wide as the 
mouth of Tartarus ; flie leaped in, and vanifh- 
ed immediately. I took courage then, and 
leaning forward, looked down, laying hold of 
a tree that grew cJofe to it, to preventrmy fall- 
ing in headlong : then had I a view of the 
Ihades below, of * Pyriphlegethon, the burn- 
ing lake, and Cerberus ; and faw the dead fo 
plainly, that I could diftinguifli feveral of them, 
and, among the reft, my own father, whom 
I knew very well, and in the fame cloaths which 
he had on when we buried him." " And pray, 
Eucrates, faid Ion, what were the fouls about ?" 
" What would you have them do, replied Eu- 
crates, but walk about in companies with their, 

* PyripJAegethon.'] A burning lake, or river, vvhofe waves 
of liquid fire are perpetually flowing for the amufement of 
the damned, in the poetical hell. 


The liars. 25 

friends and relations, and lay on beds of afpho- 
del." " What will your Epicureans fay now, 
rejoined Ion, to the divine Plato, and his book 
on immortality ? but now, I think on it, did 
you fee him or Socrates amongft them ?" 
** Socrates, replied he. 1 believe I did, though 
not plainly : I guefTed, however, that it was he, 
by his bald pate and large belly; as to Plato, 
for amongfl friends one fhould always fpeak 
the truth, I cannot fay I faw him there; as I 
was looking at all thefe things, the gulph be- 
gan to fhut in, and jufl as it clofed, my fer- 
vants came in fearch of me, juft before it was 
covered in. Pyrrhia here, was one of them : is 
not it all true, girl ?" " Yes, by Jupiter, faid 
Pyrrhia, 1 heard the barking out of the gulph, 
and faw the light of the torch." This fuper- 
numerary witnefs of noife and flame, made me 
laugh exceffively. 

*' There is nothing fo very extraordinary in 
all this, fays Cleodemus, for I faw as much in 
my laft illnefs ; Antigonus here, attended and 
cured me, it was the feventh day, I remember, 
of a violent fever. You had ordered them to 
fhut the doors and leave me alone, that I 
might get fome reft ; when, behold, as I lay 
broad awake, a mofl beautiful youth appeared 
to me, cloathed in white ; he commanded me to 


26 The LIARS. 

rife, and leading me through a great cavern 
down to the infernal regions, he Ihewed me 
Tantalus, and Tytius, and Sifyphus, and every 
thing elfe. When I was got to the tribunal, 
(for I thought iEacus, and Charon, and the 
Fates, and the Furies were there,) Ibme mo- 
narch, Pluto 1 fuppofe, fate on his judgment- 
feat, and pronounced the names of fome who 
had lived beyond the term affigned them, and 
were to die foon. A young man, I thought, 
led me towards him, but the king feemed 
angry, and faid, " Let him go, his thread is 
not yet fpun ; bring me Demylus the fmith, 
for he has lived beyond his time." I ran 
back with joy, for my fever had left me, and 
told every body that Demylus would die foon; 
he lived, you muft know, in our neighbour- 
hood, and was at that time, as they told me, 
very ill ; and a little while after this we heard 
the groans of thofe who were lamenting the lofs 
of him." " And what is there fo wonderful in 
that, faid Antigonus ? I knew a man who came 
to life again, twenty days after he was buried ; 
one whom I cured feveral times, before his 
death and after it." " But how happened it, 
faid I, that his body never putrefied, or that, if 
alive, he did not die with hunger in twenty 


The liars. 27 

days time ? but, I fuppofe, your patient was 
another * Epimenides." 

Whilfl we were converfing thus, the fens of 
Eucrates came in from the palasftra, one of 
which was juft of age, and the other about 
fifteen ; after faluting us, they fat down by 
their father on the bed, and a chair was 
brought for me ; when Eucrates, as if the fight 
of his fons had put him in mind of it, cried 
out, now Tychiades, may I be deprived of thefe, 
and he put his arms round them, if I tell you 
any thing but truth : how much I loved their 
mother, who now, I truft, is happy, all here 
can bear witnefs, for they well know what I did 
for her both living and dead, and very well 
remember, that after her deceafe, I * burned 

* Eplmenidcs.'] A famous prophet of Crete, and one of 
the bell ileepers upon record; for being fent by his father, 
when a boy, to take care of fome flieep, he wandered, as 
Diogenes Laertius very gravely aflures us, into a dark ca- 
vern, where he was feized with a deep flcep, in which he 
continued for feven and fifty years ; he then awoke, went 
home, was with much difficulty acknowleged by his younger 
brother, told the ftory of his long nap to every body, and, 
in confequcnctt of it, gained the reputation of a great pro- 
phet, and was confulted as an oracle by all Greece. 

* Burned^ Cs"*:.] This cuftom does honour to Grecian 
fenfibility, and conveys, perhaps, at the fame time fome 
reproach on our oppolite conduct. The ancients burned 
every thing that belonged to thofe they loved, the moderns 
put them up to public audion. 


28 The LIARS. 

every thing belonging to her, and even fo much 
as the apparel ihe was moft fond of whilft fhe 
lived. It was exadtly that day feven months 
after fhe died, when, as I was laying on this 
bed, as I do now, and confoling myfelf with 
reading Plato's treatife on the foiil, Dameneta 
herfelf came, and fat herfelf down by me, in 
the place where liucratides now is (pointing it 
out to his 3'oungeft fon, who, as children ge- 
nerally do, ftood aghall, and grew pvT.le at the 
narration) ; as foon as I faw, continued he, I 
embraced her, and crying our, burft into tears : 
Ihe flopped my cries, but gently complained, 
that though I had done every thing elfe to Ihew 
my refpe<5t for her, 1 had omitted to burn one 
of her golden flippers ; it had fallen down, it 
feems, behind the cheft, as fhe informed me, 
and not finding it, we could not confume it 
with the other : as we were talkino; toeether on 
this, a curfed f Melitan dog barked from un- 
der the bed, at which fhe immediately vanifhed. 
Next d'jy we found the flipper under the cheft, 
and burned it. 

" Can you, Tychiades, difbelieve things fo 
manifeft as thefe, and which happen every 
day r" " No, by Jupiter, faid I : they deferve 

f Melitan ^og.'] Melita, an ifland on the coaft of lUy- 
rlum, in the Adriatic, was famous for dogs. See Pliny. 


The I. I a R S. 29 

to be well beat with a J gold flipper, as chil- 
dren are, who could refufe to believe them, or 
impudently oppofe truths fo plain and irrefra- 

In the midft of this difcourfe came in Ari- 
gnotus, the Pythagorean, with his long hair, 
and venerable afpedt, a man celebrated, as you 
well know, for his wifdom, and even honoured 
with the title of divine ; at fight of him I re- 
vived, confidering him as the fcourgc of de- 
ceit and falfehood : he, thought I to myfelf, 
will foon flop the mouths of thefe miracle- 
mongers : I looked upon him, according to the 
common phrafe, as the * god from the ma- 
chine come down for my affiftance. Cleode- 

t Goldjlipper.'] The ancients, probably, for the cuftom 
is mentioned by many authors, made the fame ufe of the 
gold flipper as modern fchool- mafters do of the ferula. 
Lucian's application of it to the ftory is obvious and happy. 

* As the god ^ fe'c] On the Grecian ftage the gods and 
goddefles were frequently called in to aid the poet in his 
diftrefs, and to bring on, fometimes rather abfurdly, the 
denouement of the piece. On thefe occalions, the Athe- 
nians, who fpared no expence in their theatres, took care 
to accommodate their deities with proper vehicles, probably 
faperb triumphal cars, in which they defcended with pro- 
per folemnity : though, concerning the form of thefe ftruc- 
tures, and in what maimer the ancient fcenery was conduft- 
cd, we have no particular account, at leaft none to be de- 
;pended on. The curious reader, however, may find fome 
inaccurate dcfcriptions of this kind iu Julius Pollux. 


30 The LIARS. 

mus rofe up to meet him, and as foon as he 
was feated, he made fome enquiries concerning 
the health ofEucrates, who informed him that 
he was now much better; ?fter which, ad- 
dreffing himfelf to the company, " On what 
point, faid he, were you philofophiling ? for 
you feemed, as I came in, to be in high dif- 
pute.'* " We were only, fays Eucrates, endea- 
vouring to perfuade this piece of adamant 
here, pointing to me, that there were fuch 
things as ghofts and fpedtres; and that after 
death men frequently came upon earth, and 
appeared to whom they pleafed." I blufhed, 
and looked down, for fearof Arignotus. " Per- 
kaps, faid he, Tychiades thinks that none wan- 
der about in this manner, but the fouls of thofc 
who have died violent deaths, been hanged, 
beheaded, or fuch like, and not thofe who 
quit this life in the natural and common way ; 
and if this be his opinion, it is not altogether to 
be rejedted." *' No fuch thing, replied Dino- 
machus, he abfolutely denies that any ever can, 
or did appear." " What fay you, cried Arig- 
notus, looking fternly at me, can you really 
deny this, when every body, as 1 may fay, 
has feen them ?" " You have apologized for 
me, replied I, becaufe I am the only one who 
did not : if I had feen them, I Ihould then 


The liars. 31 

have believed, as you do." " When you come 
next to Corinth, faid Arignotus, afk for the 
houfe of Eubatidas, at the * Cranaeum, and 
when they Ihew it you, tell Tibius, the por- 
ter, that you want to fee the fpot from whence 
Arignotus drove out the fpirit, by digging up 
the earth, and made the houfe habitable from 
that day forward." " How was that, inter- 
rupted Eucrates ? let us know, I befeech you." 
** Thus, replied he, it was : this houfe had 
been for a long time deferted on account of 
fpedtres ; and if any body went into it, he was 
foon driven out again by a terrible and noify ap- 
parition, till at length the whole tenement be- 
gan to decay, and moulder into ruins, and no 
body would venture to go near it. I heard of 
this, and taking with me fome certain books 
(for I had feveral Egyptian trads by me on 
the fubjedt), I entered the houfe early in the 
evening, though my landlord endeavoured to 
difTuade me from it, and even by main violence 
would have held me back, as fatisfied that I 
was rulhing on inevitable deftrudlion. I took 
a candle, however, went in alone, and feating 
myfelf on the ground, in the largeft chamber, 

* Cranaum.^ See Lucian*5 Inftrudions for Writing 



32 The LIARS. 

began reading with great compofure ; the fpirit 
appeared, taking me, no doubt, for one of the 
multitude, and fuppofing that he Ihould terrify 
me as he did the reft ; he had long hair, feem- 
ed filthy, and was * blacker thap darknefs it 
felf : he endeavoured to lay hold on me, ihifted 
fides, and tried every method to get the bet- 
ter of me, fometimes appearing as a dog, at 
others as a bull, and at others as a lion. I took 
out the moft dreadful incantation I could find, 
talked to him in the Egyptian tongue, and 
forced him at length, by the power of my 
charm, into a little coiner of a dark room : 
and knowing where he had retired to, went 
gently to fieep for the remainder of the night. 
In the morning, when every body had given 
me over, and expected to find me dead, beyond 
their hopes I came out, and went immediate- 
ly to Eubatidas, and carried him the glad tid- 
ings, that his houfe was cleared, and he might 
fafely live in it for the future. He took feve- 
ral along with him (and many followed us 
from the ftrangenefs of the event), and after I 
had condudted them to the place where I knew 
he had taken refuge, I ordered the ground to 
be dug up with rakes and fpades, and at feme 

* Blacker^ i^cJ] A ftrong expreffion, and approaching 
nearly to Milton's — " darknefs vilible." 


T H fe LIARS, 33 

little depth found a carcafe, with fcarce any 
•thing but the bones remaining, this we buried 
•carefully, and from that day forward the houfe 
was never haunted." 

When the fage and venerable Arignotus had 
thus fpoken, not a man of them was there who 
did not think it the higheft madnefs in me to 
doubt the veracity of it : I, notwithflanding, 
in fpite both of his grey locks, and the great 
opinion which they all entertained of him, 
without fear or trembling, thus addreffed him; 
■*' Arignotus, fiid I, is itpoflible that you, who 
are the hope and fupport of truth, can yet be 
full of thefe idle tales of fpirlts and goblins? 
Our treafure, as the proverb fays, is all turned 
to coal." ** If, replied Arignotus, you will 
believe neither me, nor Dinomachus, nor Cleo- 
demus, nor Eucrates himfelf, what authority 
do you confide in on the other fide of the quef- 
tion, whom do you pin your faith on ?" " By 
heaven, faid I, on that great and excellent 
man, Democritus of Abdera, who was fo 
thoroughly convinced, nothing of this kind ever 
cxifted, that he (hut himfelf up in a monument 
without the gates of the city, and (laid there 
night and day, writing and reading •, and when 
the boys ufed to dance about, drefs themfelves 
in black, and paint their heads like ikuUs, on 

Vol. IV. D purpofe 

34 The LIARS. 

purpofe to frighten him, he was not in the 
leafl terrified at their tricks, but, without fo 
much as looking at them, would cry out as he 
was writing, do not play the fool ; fo firmly did 
he believe that fouls were nothing when parted 
from their bodies." " If fuch was his opinion, 
faid Eucrates, he muft have been out of his 
fenfes : but I will tell you another thing, not 
a hearfay matter, but which really happened 
to myfelf; and when you hear, Tychiades, you 
will be forced to acknowlege the truth of it. I 
was fent by my father very young into ^gypt 
for education, where once upon a tim.e I took a 
particular fancy to go againft the ftream up to 
* Coptus, to hear Memnon, and the miracu- 
lous founds which ifllied from him at the rifing 
of the fun : there did I hear, not as the com- 
mon people did, an unintelligible noife, but 
from the mouth of !\lemnon himfelf an oracle, 
which he delivered to me in feven verfes, and 
which, but that it would here be unneceflary, 
I could repeat to you ; as we returned, there 
chanced to be in the fame fhip with me a cer- 
tain Memphian, one of the holy fcribes, a man 
of admirable wifdom, and ikilled in all the 
•learning of the Egyptians ; it was reported that 

• Coptus.'] A city of ^gypt, from whence the ^gyptiaa 
language' is called the Coptic, 


The liars. 35 

he had lived twenty years in a temple under 
ground, and was inftrucfled by Ifis in the magic 
arts." ^' You mean, interrupted Arignotus, the 
famous Pancrates, who was my preceptor ; a 
moft divine man, of a thoughtful countenance, 
bald, with a flat nofe, and thick lips, and long 
legs, cloathed in a linen garment, and talked 
the purefl Gretk." " The very fame, faid Eu- 
crates : though when I firft faw him, I did not 
know who he was : but as we failed along, I ob- 
ferved him do fome wonderful things, faw him 
ride upon the crocodiles, and fwim amongft 
the fea monfters, who feeming fubmiffive, would 
wag their tails and fawn upon him. I began 
to look upon him as fomething more than hu- 
man, and by foothing him with kind offices, 
by degrees crept into favour, and became at 
length his moft intimate and familiar friend, 
infomuch that he trufted me with all his fecrets, 
and perfuaded me to leave my fervants at Mem- 
phis, and proceed with him alone, alTuring me 
that we fhould not want attendants, and after 
this we lived together. When we came to an 
inn he would + take the bar of the door, or a 


-f- He "Mould take, ^c."] Thefe were certainly the moft 

convenient kind of domeftics that were ever invented, and 

infinitely preferable to our modern dumb-waiters. Such 

ufeful fubititutes would fare the young travelling nobility 

36 The liars. 

broom, or a wooden peftle, put cloaths upon 
it, and repeating certain magic words, order it 
to walk about, and appear to every body as a 
man ; it would then go about its bufinefs, draw 
water, get the dinner ready, and, in fhort, wait 
on us in every refpccl as dexteroufly as poffible ; 
and when it had performed its offices, he would 
pronounce another magic verfe, and immedi- 
ately it became a broom, or a peftle again : 
but this fecret, with all I could do, I was ne- 
ver able to get from him, he did not chufe to 
impart it, though in every thing elfe he was 
always ready to oblige me. One day, however, 
I flood by him in a dark place, and privately 
overheard the charm, which was only of three 
fyllables, after which he went out, giving the 
neceffary orders to his peftle ; and the day af- 
ter, he having fome bufinefs in the market- 
place, I took my little peftle alfo, dreftTed it 
up, and repeating the three fyllables, com- 
manded it to fetch me fome water; when it had 
filled the cafk, leave oft, faid I, bring me no 
more, but be a peftle again ; it did not, how- 
wcr, obey me, but went again and fetched wa- 

all the expence of footmen, hair-dreffers, valets de place, 
&c. It is a thoiifand pities that Pancrates did not leave this 
valuable fecret of extempore fervaut-niaking to pofterity ; 
the blunder of Arignotus, and hli fplitting the peiUe is ex- 
tfcmcly liTUghable, 


The liars. 37 

ter till the whole houfe was full of it. Not 
knowing what to do (for I was afraid of Pan- 
crates's returning, and being angry with me for 
what I had done), I took an axe and fplit the 
peftle in two, but both the parts thus fevered 
took the pitchers and drew water, fo that in- 
ilead of one fervant I had now two ; at this 
time in came Pancrates, and underftanding how 
the affair was, immediately reduced them to 
wood again, as they were before the charm : 
but Pancrates withdrew himfclf privately from 
me, I know not how, and I never fet eyes on 
him afterwards." " And pray, faid Dinoma- 
chus, could you now make a man out of a 
peftle ?" " Yes, replied he, I could do it by 
halves ; but when 1 had once made a water- 
carrier of him, I could not reduce him to his 
original form, for he would continue drawing 
water till the houfe fwam with it." 

" Will you never have done, interrupted I^ 
old as you are, telling fuch abominable lies ? 
At lead: defer your incredible ilories to another 
time, for the fake of thefe young men, that you 
may not fill their minds with abfurd fables, 
and unreafonable fears ; fpare them, I befeech 
you, and do not ufe them to liften to fuch 
things as will dwell upon and difturb them for 
their whole lives^ fill them- with dreadful fuper- 
D 3 ftitions. 

33 The LIARS. 

ftitlons, and make them afraid of every iioife 
they hear." 

'« Well hinted, faid Eucrates ; now you talk 
of fuperftiLion, what think you, Tychiades, of 
oracles, divine intelligence, and what thofe who 
are adiuated by the deity impart to us, what 
we hear from the temples, and what the vir- 
gin crowned with laurels frequently foretells, 
do you doubt the truth of thefe alfo ? I Ihall 
not mention my ring, with a feal on it, repre- 
fenting the Pythian Apollo, nor that he con- 
verfes with me, left 1 fliould appear to you as 
a vain boafter, talking of incredible things; 
but 1 will tell you what 1 heard in the temple 
of Amphilochus, and Mallus, and particularly 
of ancient heroes who have talked with me 
concerning my affairs : and what I have feen 
at Pergamus and Patari; for hearing, when I 
returned from a?igypt, that Mallus was cele- 
brated for the truth and clearnefs of its ora- 
cles, and anfwered word for word to the writ- 
ings of the prophet, I refolved to try it, and^to 
confult the god vvith regard to futurity.'* 

As Eucrates was running on in this manner, 
I perceived how matters would go, and as he 
was entering on a long ftory about oracles, I 
thought it was to no purpofe for mc to ftand 


The liars. 39 

alone againft them all, and fo leaving him in 
the midft of his voyage from ^gypt to Mallus 
(for as I difputed the truth of their fables, my 
company, I found, was not very agreeable), " I 
mull go, faid I, in fcarch of Leontichus, whom 
I have fome particular bufinefs with ; as to 
you, my friends, as things merely human feem 
not fufficient for you, I would advife you to 
call in the gods themfelves to bear a part in 
your fabulous difputations;" and fo faying I went 
out and left them. They feized the opportu- 
nity, enjoyed the liberty I gave them, fell to 
greedily, and fwallowed one another's lies with 
a moft voracious appetite. 

Thus have I told you, Philocles, every thing 
I heard at Eucrates*s : like thofe who have juft 
fwelled themfelves with new wine, I wanted an 
emetic, and have given it you all up again. I 
would give a good deal for an oblivious anti- 
dote, that would make me forget every thing 
that paffed, for I am afraid the retaining it in 
my memory will do me no good. 1 have no- 
thing but miracles, * witches and fpeftres flili 
before me. 


In good truth, Tychiades, I think I have 
caught the infedion from you; not only thofe3 

• IVitcbes,'] Greek, 'Exaraj. 

D 4 they 

40 The LIAR S. 

they fay, who have been bit by a mad doe are 
feized with madnefs themfelves, and dipped In 
the water, but if the man who is bitten bites 
another, it has the fame effed: : you were bit- 
ten at Eucrates's houfe by thefe iiars, and have 
imparted the poifon to me alfo, for my head as 
well as your's is full of nothing but fpirits. 


Be of good chear, my friend, we have a re- 
medy at hand for all diforders of this kind, 
truth and found reafon, which if we apply, no. 
fuch idle dreams and fancies will ever diflurb- 

H I p. 

H I P P I A S. 

^he Reader mvfl not expeB W~it or Humour In thh 
little Tra6l, which is nothing more than a Pane- 
gyric on an ingenious Archite^, who had made an 
excellent and well-conjiruBed Bath ; // is not im- 
probable, though this is a mere ConjeEiure of my 
ozvny that Hippias, the Builder, might have 
complimented Lucian with the free Ufe of the 
Bath ; and the Writer, in return, has immor- 
talized him for it. For a more particular Account 
<?/ Hippias, fee Fhilojlratus de Fit. Sophiji. 

I HAVE always efteemed thofe phllofophers 
mofl worthy of praife and admiration, who 
not only laid down proper rules and precepts 
in any art or fcience, but who were, likewife, 
capable of exemplifying them in their own 
works, The fick man who has any underftand- 
ing, will call in not that phyfician who can talk 
bed of things that concern his profeffion, but 
him whofe experience has taught him the beft 
practice of it : he is, in my opinion, a better 
mufician who can himfelf play and fing;, than 
he who is only a good judge of melody and 
fong. Need I mention, that thole are always 
elleemed the ableft generals, who not only 


42 H I P P 1 A S. 

know how to dlfpofe and direft an army, but 
■who will themfelves alfo fland foremoft in the 
ranks and fight bravely: fuch as, we know, in 
ancient times, Agamemnon and Achilles were, 
and in later ages, Alexander and Pyrrhus ? I 
do not mention this, to difplay my knowlege 
of hiftory, but to fhew, that thofe who are only 
able to difpure, delerve the name of fophifts 
rather than philofophers ; and that, in all the 
arts, they are moil worthy of admiration, who 
joinpradice to theory, and leave monuments of 
their fkill and knowlege to pofterity. Such, 
we are told, were Archimedes and * Softratus 
the Cnidian, one of whom fubdued Memphis 
for Ptolemy, not by fiege, but by turning afide 
the courfe of the river; and the other, by an 
invention of his own, burned the enemies fleet : 
and, before their time, -f Thales the Milefian, 

* Sqfiratus.'] The famous archke£l; who, according to 
Strabo and Fliny, built the celebrated tower in the iiland of 
Pharos. What Lucian here tells us concerning Memphis, 
alludes to fome oblcure piece of hiftory, not mentioned by 
any other author, and which the commentators know not 
how to explain. 

f Thalcs.l The celebrated Grecian philofopher, aftro- 
nomer, and geometrician. His carrying Crccfus's army 
over the Halys, had nothing very miraculous in it ; he cut 
a new channel for the river, divided the water into two cur- 
rents, and confequently made it fordable. See Herodotus 
and Diog, Laertius. 


H I P P I A S. 43 

promifed Crosfus, that he would lead his whole 
army over the river dry-(hod, and by his inge- 
nuity performed it, not that he profeflVd any 
peculiar fkill in mechanifm, but was a man of 
excellent genius and invention. It would be 
going too far back, to fpeak of Epcus, who not 
only made the famous Greci?in horfe, but was, 
himfelf, one of tbofe who got into it. And here 
it is but juftice in me to mention Hippias, a 
man of our own times, though equal to any 
of the ancients in learning, genius, and elo- 
quence ; fuperior, not in words, but in works 
alfo, to all thofe who went before him : moft 
men are proud enough if they excel in any one 
thing which they undertake, but he is an ex- 
cellent mechanic, and, at the fame time, a good 
geometrician, and a mafter ot mulic, as per- 
fedtly fkilled in every one of them as if he had 
profelTed that, and that alone. Add to this, 
his knowlege in the doftrine of fpccu a, the 
refraction of the rays of light, and allrono- 
my. But I cannot pafs over a work ot his, 
which I lately beheld with aftonifhment : the 
building of baths is a verv coaimon thing 
amonglt us, and yet his ingenuity in rhe itruc- 
ture of one is truly wonderful; the fituation of 
it was not a plain, buf floping, which he con- 
trived, however, to bring quite on a level, 


44 H I P P I A S. 

making a ftrong foundation under it, and fe- 
curing it with fiim fupports : the whole flruc- 
ture was well proportioned, and the windows 
of proper lize and diftance. You come into it 
by a noble veflibule, to which you afcend by 
broad and eafy fteps, which leads you to a fpa- 
cious hall for fervants to wait in ; on the left 
hand, are bed-chambers to retreat to, a con- 
venience which baths ihould never be with- 
out; with another apartment, which, though 
not abfolutely neceffary in a bath, may contri- 
bute to the happinefs of the rich and luxurious. 
On each fide are rooms to undrefs in, near a 
fpacious chamber, chearful and well lighted, 
with three baths of cold water, of Lacedsemo- 
nian flone, in which are two white marble fta- 
tucs, one of * Hygeia, and the other of ^fcu- 
lapius : a little farther on, you come to a large 
round room of a moderate and gentle heat, fo as 
not to hurt you by the intenfenefs of it ; and, be- 
yond this, is a moft delightful chamber, with 
twodoorsofpolilhed Phrygian marble, for thofe 
to anoint themfelves in who come from the 

• H^'gcia,] The goddefs of health, daughter of ^fcu- 
lapius and Lampetia. Reprefentations of this deity were 
innumerable, as all thole who invoked her aid, if they re- 
covered and could afford it, made llatues of and vvorfhipped 
her J as we all do yet, though in another manner. 

palzellra : 

H I P P I A S. 45 

palseflra : beyond this is the moft beautiful 
room of all, convenient to fit, ftand, or roll 
about in, of Phrygian Itone from top to bot- 
tom ; then a warm paflage of Numidian 
marble, which leads you to an elegant apart- 
ment full of light, with three warm baths in 
it : after bathing here, you need not go back 
through the fame rooms, but are conduced 
through a paflage made tolerably warm, and 
very light, to the cold baths again: add to 
this, that the height, length, and width, are 
all in the mod exaft proportion to each other, 
and grace and beauty prclide through every 
part of the edifice. When you begin any 
work, as Pindar fays, you fliould make the 
front fplendid, and fuch as will catch the eye 
at a diflance, and in buildings particularly, 
regard Ihould be paid to the windows, and a 
fine external appearance. Hippias, therefore, 
hath opened his cold baths to the north, for the 
benefit of the cool air, and expofed thofe that 
want heat to the weft and fouth. Need I 
mention the roohis fit for exercifc, the rooms to 
keep the cloaths in, not windin>^- through tire- 
fome paffages, but clofe to the baths, and 
equally calculated for health and conveniency. 
Some may, perhaps, think I bellow too mag- 
nificent encomiums on a work of little confe- 

quence ;• 

46 H I P P 1 A S. 

quence; but, in my opinion, to invent and ex- 
ecute new beauties in common and ordinary 
matters, is no fmall mark of uncommon and 
extraordinary merit; and fuch, I think, this 
work of Hippias, which has all the good qua- 
lities of a bath, with regard to ufe, conve- 
nience, light, fymmetry, and proportion, well 
adapted to the foil and fituation of the place, 
and fecure on every fide, with double doors to 
each room, and proper recefies, a water dial, 
and a fun dial. Whoever could behold fuch 
a work, and with-hold the praifes due to it, 
muft, in my opinion, not only be infenfible, but 
envious and ungrateful alfo. For my own 
part, I have endeavoured, and I thought it 
my duty fo to do, to celebrate and record by 
this little remen-ibrance of him, fo excellent 
an artificer. If it ihould ever happen, that I 
bathe again there, I doubt not but I fhall meet 
with many who will join with me in praife and 
admiration of it. 

B A C- 


The Critics ofLvciAti's Time, who had, perhaps, 
as little Tajle for true Humour, as the Critics of 
our owfiy were perpetually finding fault with his 
Dialogues, zvhich they confidered as wild, ro- 
mantic^ and licentious ; his Attacks, they faid, 
were furious, and his Manner contemptible. In 
Anfwer to fome of thefe Cavils, it Is probable, 
Luc I AN fcnt out this little TraB, In which, 
with an Eafe and Pleafantry peculiar to him, he 
compares hlmfelf to 'Bacchus attacking and de- 
feating the Indians, who had defplfed and lauflo- 
ed at hirn and his Army, It Is obfervable, that 
whllfi he makes ufe of this Method to vindicate 
hlmfelf, he expofes the Abfurdlty of the many ri- 
diculous Stories which the Poets had heaped to- 
gether, concerning one of the favourite Gods of 

HEN Bacchus led forth his army again ft 
the Indians (for I fee no reafon why I 
Ihould not tell you a Bacchanalian ftory), the 
people of that nation held him at firil in the 
utmoft contempt, laughed at his attempt and 
feemed, indeed, rather to pity his rafhnefs, con* 
eluding that the moment he began his attack, 


48 B A C C H U g. 

lie would be immediately trod in pieces by 
their elephants. They had heard, we may 
fuppofe, flrange things concerning his army, 
that his troops Were compofed of mad women, 
crowned with ivy, and covered with goat-fkins, 
carrying- little wooden fpears without iron, and 
light fliields, that founded hollow when you 
touched them, like fo many drums : mixed 
with thefe, there were a few rUllics, with horns 
and tails like youiig kids, dancing the cordax ; 
at the head of them their leader, in a car drawn 
by leopards, a beardlefs boy, with fcarce any 
down upon his chin, a bunch of grapes round 
his head, his hair tied up with a ribbon, a pair 
of horns, cloathed in purple, and in golden 
fandals. Under him, two captains, * one of 
them a little fhort old fellow, with a great belly, 
and long prick'd-up ears, flat-nofed, leaning 
on a ftaff, fhaking, and clad in an old yellow 
coat, a proper affifiant to fuch a general : the 
other, a large man -j--, Vv'ith lower parts like a 
goat, fhaggy thighs, horns, and a long beard, 

* One of thcjKy l^c.'\ Silenus, the fon of Pan, or as fome 
tell us, of Mercury ; this extraordinary grotel'que figure 
was, it feeins, a kind of tutor, or guardian to Bacchus, 
and afterwards one of his generals. Virgil tells an agree- 
able llory ot him in his fixth eclogue, and Ovid another 
in the eleventh book of his Metamorphofes. 

•J- Large pian.'\ Pan, 



looking fierce and angry, a pipe in one hand, 
and a crook in the other, frifking, and play- 
ing about through the army, and frightening 
the women, who, as he approached towards 
them, let their hair hang loofe and dilhevelled, 
and cried out Evoe ! by which the Indians fup- 
pofed they meant to call their mailer : the 
flocks, howevfer, of the natives were feized by 
the women, torn in pieces, and eat by them, 
for they devoured raw flelh. When the king 
and people of that country heard all this, they 
laughed at them, and, as we may naturally fup- 
pofe, did not think it worth their while to pre- 
pare an army, or make head againft fuch an 
enemy ; women they thought would be the moft 
proper to repel their attacks, as it would be 
unbecoming men to fall upon and kill a parcel 
of mad females, and an effeminate leader with 
his hair tied up, or a little drunken old fellow, 
or the other half-foldier, with a croud of naked 
dancers, all objects of contempt and ridicule : 
but when at length the news were brought that 
the god had laid their country wafte, burned 
their cities, fet fire to their woods, and laid al- 
moft all India in flames (for * fire you muft 


• Fire, i.'^c,'] Bacchus, we are to remember, was the 

Ion of Jupiter and the untortunate Semele, who fell a fa- 

VoL, IV. E crifi«c 


know is Bacchus's weapon, and part of his 
father's lightning), they immediately took up 
arms, bridled and furnifhed their elephants, 
put towers upon them, and prepared for the 
attack, flill holding them in contempt ; but re- 
folved with all poflible fpeed to make an end of 
this beardlefs leader and his army. When they 
came in fight of them, the Indians placed their 
elephants in the front, and began the onfet. 
Bacchus, on his part, took his pofl: in the 
niiddle, Silenus commanded the right wing, 
and Pan the left, and the Satyrs were appoint- 
ed leaders of the inferior ranks, and the word 
was Evoe ! The drums beat, and the cymbals 
gave the fignal of attack, a Satyr founded the 
alarm, Silenus*s afs brayed molt martially, the 
Msenades affrighted them with their howlings, 
and {hewed the fpears at the end of their thyr- 
fuffeS; which were wreathed with ferpents : the 
Indians and their elephants immediately gave 
way, and in the utmoft confufion turned their 
backs and fled, not venturing to come within 
reach of a dart, till at length they were all to- 
tally routed and taken prifoners, by thofe whom 

crlfice (as many other ladies have done), to her ambition; 
and Bacchus, as Luclan humoroufly hints, inherits part of 
the fire that kills-d hi; mother. 



they had thus defpifed, and learned by expe- 
rience, that foreign armies are not to be held 
in derifion, merely from the firft report that is 
made of them. 

But here, perhaps, fome of my readers will 
cry out, * what is all this to Bacchus ? To 
which I muft reply, that rnany of them (do 
not, by the Graces I befeech you, conclude me 
mad or drunk, becaufe 1 compare myfelf to 
the gods), are furprifed, as the Indians were at 
Bacchus, with my llrange and new manner of 
writing ; when they hear my laughing, jefling, 
and comic fatire, they know not what to think 
of me ; fome think it beneath them to defcend 
from their elephants to liflen to goffip's tales, 
and Skipping Satyrs, and will not come nigh 

* Jflmf ;'s, isfc] Tragedy, or, the fong of the goat, 
as the original name imports, was at firft nothing but a fa- 
cred hymn to Bacchus, fung by a chorus of men or wo- 
men ; dialogue was afterwards introduced, and the aftor, 
or reader, confequently, more attended to than the chorus, 
whofe fongs w«re now of a different nature, infomuch that 
the original fubjed of them, the praife of Bacchus, was 
totally paffed over and forgotten : the prieffs, who for a 
long time, we may fuppofe, prefided over the whole, were 
alarmed at fo open a contempt of the deity, and exclaim- 
ed that, •' all this was nothing to Bacchus," the complaint 
grew afterward* Into a kind of proverbial faying, to lignify 
any thing departing from its original intention. Lucian 
applies it here with archnels and propriety. See the Difler- 
tation prefixed to my Tranflation of Sophocles, 

E 2 me I 


me; whilfl others, finding the -f- fpear under 
the ivy, are furprifed, and afraid to return to 
me : but I can boldly venture to afiure them, 
that if they will come and partake of my feaft, 
as my oldguefls ufed to do, they will foon learn 
not to defpife my Satyrs and Silenus's, but 
drink freely, gro^' fond of my Bacchus, and 
fing Evoe ! along with me. 

Thefe, however (for hearers may do what they 
like),are to aQ: as they pleafe ; as to myfelf, now 
I am got amongll the Indians, I will tell you an- 
other tale about them, not without Tome reference 
to Bacchus, nor foreign to my prefent purpofe. 
Amongfl: the Machlieans, on the left of the 
river Indus, there is a grove, not very large, 
but dark, and covered with vines and ivy, where- 
in are three beautiful clear fountains, one dedi- 
cated to the Satyrs, the other to Pan, and the 
other to Siknus. The Indians come once every 
year to this grove, to offer faciificcs, and drink 
water from the fountains ; not all from each 
of them, but according to their age ; the youths 
from the Satyr's, the full grown men from 
Pan's, and the old men, like me, from that 
of Silenus. What the young men did after 

f Spear.l Alluding to the fptars at the end of the 
rhyrfuin_s carried by the Maenades, as mentioned above, iii 
tUe account of the battle. 



drinking, or what feats the middle age per- 
formed, when infpired by Pan, it would be te- 
dious and unnecefTary to mention ; but what 
the old man does, when he gets drunk with 
this liquor, it may be not improper to inform 
you ; when he quaffs it, and Silenus gets holds 
of him, at firfl he is mute for a Utile while, 
and like a man that is drunk; then, on a fud- 
den, his voice becomes clear, firong, and fpi- 
rited j from a dumb man he grows extremely 
talkative, he goes on for ever, and you muft 
flop his mouth to keep him from prating. You 
cannot fo properly call them fwans, with regard 
to age, as grafshoppers, that are i)erpetually 
humming from morning to night •, at length, 
when the drunken fit is over, they are iilent, 
and return to their reafon. But I forget to men- 
tion the moll wonderful thing of all, which is, 
that if the old man begins a fpeech, which at 
the going down of the fun he is obliged to leave 
unfinifhed, when he comes the next year, he 
drinks, takes up again the tale, which he had 
left imperfedt, and goes on with it. 1 need 
not flretch the comparifon, as you fee plainly 
enough that, like Momus, I am laughing at 
myfeif. So, if I play the fool, you muft attri- 
bute it to my drunkennefs ; and if I happen 
to appear fenfible, you will fay, Silenus was 

propitious to me. 

E 3 THE 



^hisfeems to he a kind of Proxniiim or Preface to 
fonte Declamation, which Luci an, as a Rhetori- 
cian had been appointed to deliver, on what Sub- 
je5i we know not; the Idea fuggefted to him by 
the Picture of a Gallic Hercules, was zvell 
adapted to his Purpofe, though there is not any 
Wit or Humour in the Compofttion, nor did the 
Subje^, indeed, admit of it. Hercules, of 
whom there are fo maiy Fables, as zue learn 
from a renowned Critic, was ejleemed amongjl the 
Gauls as the Patron of Science and God of Elo- 
quence : in fome Places he was called Musage- 
TES ; and Fulvius the Roman General dedi- 
cated a Temple, we are told, Herculi Musa- 
RUM. Hercules zvas, indeed, according to 
the Learned Bryant, a title given to the chief 
Deity of the Gentiles, who has been multiplied 
into almojl as many Perfonages as there were 
Countries where he was worfloipped, and what 
WJS attributed to this God fingly, zvas the Work 
o/" Hercule ANS, and wherever there were He- 
ra LiD^ or Herculeans, an Hercules 
has been fuppofed. Hence his '^ Character has been 
var o^jly reprefented. 
* See Analyfis of Ancient Mythology, vol. ii. p. 75' 


The gallic HERCULES. S5 

TH E Gauls call Hercules, in their tongue, 
Ogmius, and make a ftrange figure of 
him ; he is reprefented by them as an extreme 
old man, almoft bald, with a few white hairs, 
wrinkled, and of a black fwarthy colour, like 
men who have been all their lives at fea. One 
would rather take him for a Charon or Japetus 
from the infernal fhades ; for any thing, in 
Ihorr, but Hercules ; and yet, unlike as he is, 
they give him all the ufual attributes : he has 
a lion's fkin about him, and a quiver, with a 
club in his right hand, and a bow bent in his 
left, and is, in all other refpedts, a perfed: 
Hercules. I could not help fufped:ing that 
the Gauls, meant to caft a reflexion on the 
Grecian deities, by fuch a pidture, as if they 
intended to revenge themfelves on him for in- 
vading their kingdom, and ravaging it, v/hen 
he rambled about in fearch of -f- Geryon*s 

-\ Geryon.'] Amongft many other curious exploits of Her- 
cules in the courfe of his peregrinations, pleale to remem- 
ber, gentle reader, if thou hail forgot, that after killing 
Geryon, a giant with three bodies, and his dog with three 
heads, and his dragon with feven, he feized on his cattle, 
made them travel over the Alps and Pyrenees into Italy, 
from thence crofs the fea into Sicily, fwam with them again 
Into Rhegium, to illyria, from thence to Epirus, and fo de- 
fcended into Greece; a pretty long journey for him., and, 
as we fee, in very good company. 

E 4 cattle. 


cattle. But I forgot to mention one moft extra- 
ordinary circumftance; this old Hercules is re- 
prefented as drawing a large number of people 
after him, whom he feems to have bound by the 
ears with very flender chains made of amber 
and sold, like beautiful necklaces : held, not- 
withitanding, as they are by thefe weak little 
links, they none of them endeavour to get 
away, as they might eafily do, ftrive with their 
feet, or pull againll him, but prefs on with 
pleafure and alacrity, as if fond of their leader, 
and feem to wilh, be the chain ever fo loofe, 
rot to be fet free ; and what is moft wonderful 
of all is, that the * painter, not knowing what 
to fix the chain to, (for he has the club in his 
right hand, and the bow in his iefr,) bored a 
hole at the extremity of the tongue, tied it to 
that, and drew them along, Hercules looking 
back, and fmiling at them. I ftood and ad- 
mired this figure, not without fome degree of 
indio-nation ; nor could I comprehend the mean- 
ing of it, when a Gaul Handing by, a man well 

* Thcpaititer.^ It appears from this paflage, that Lucian's 
idea ot the Gallic Hercules was taken, not from any fta- 
tue or reprefentation or him, but trom a pidure ; nor doc» 
■he feem to know that Hercules was worlhipped by the Celts 
as the god of eloquence; but only fuppofes, that they 
thought fit to confider this deity as a more proper fymbol of 
it than Mercury, 


The gallic HERCULES. 57 

fkilled in Grecian literature, who fpoke our 
language correftly, and feemed to be, as many 
of his nation are, a philofopher, thus addreffed 
me : " You feem, faid he, ftranger, to be 
puzzled about this picture, I will explain it to 
you ; we do not, like you, exprefs eloquence by 
the figure of Mercury, but by that of Hercu- 
les, as flronger and more powerful ; do not be 
furprifed, therefore, at our reprefenting him as 
an old man, for, in old age alone, eloquence 
arrives at its full ftrength and maturity, accord- 
ing to your own poets ; 

■^ Youth is ftill an empty wav'ring {late, 
Cool age advances, venerably wife, 
Turns on all hands its deep difcerning eyes ; 
Sees what befel, and what may yet befal, 
Concludes from both, and befl provides for all. 

And again, 

J Better far than youth, 
Doth age direft us 

Your Neftor dropped honey from his tongue, 

and the old Trojan orators were celebrated for 

their tender * voice, that is, flowery, for fo, if 

f Touthf fe'c] See Pope's Homer's Iliad, b. iii. 1. 148. 

+ Better far^ tsfc] See the Phaeniflae of Euripides, 1. 533. 

* Foice.} Gr. X(ipioicrau», liliarcam, fays the Latin tranfla- 

tion, id eft, floridam. Pope, in his tranflationof the paiTagc 

alluded to, calls old men, 

A bloodlefs race, that fend a feeble voice. 

See Iliad, b. iii. I. 202. 



J remember right, it is interpreted : nor can 3-00 
wonder at Hercules, that is, eloquence, drawing 
them in the manner he does, when you refled: 
on the natural relation between the ears and the 
tonsue, which it is no difsirace to him to have 
thus perforated : for one of your comic poets, 
I remember, fays, there is ever a flit in the 
tongue of a prattler : add to this, that we al- 
ways confider Hercules as a wife man, who per- 
formed every thing by his eloquence, and his 
fpeeches were the fliarp and fwift arrows, which 
always hit the mark, and wounded his enemy ; 
you talk frequently of winged words, to which 
we allude." Thus fpoke the Gaul. 

Of this extraordinary picflure, the memory 
juft now luckily occured to me, whilft I was 
confidering, whether at my time of life, 1 
ousht to have entered on this tafk, anJ run the 
hazard of appearing before fo many excellent 
judges, after I had fo long left off declaiming ; 
1 was really afraid you would think I acled too 
young a part, and that fome boy would reproach 
me in the words of -f Homer, and thrown this 
in my teeth. 

Thy veins no more with ancient vigour gloiv, 
Weak is thy fervant, and thy courfers flow. 

f Homer.] Sec Iliad, b. viii. 1. 131. 


The gallic HERCULES, 59 

But when I think on the old Gallic Hercules, 
it encourages me to go on, and I am not afham- 
ed, having (o good an example of a brother 
antique before me. Henceforth, therefore, 
beauty, ftrength, fwiftnefs, and every bodily 
perfcdtion, I bid you farewel : farewcl, good 
Anacreon, to thy fluttering Cupid, I fwifter 
than eagles, with his golden wings, looking 
down on my whitening chin : Hippoclides 
heeds thee nor. But now is the time for me to 
grow young, and flouriih in eloquence, to draw 
as many by the ears as I can get together, 
and to fend forth my arrows, when there is no 
fear that my quiver fhould be empty. 

You fee how I comfort myfelf in my old 
age ; I my -f- little bark once m.ore, 
which had been long laid by, repair, rig, and 

X Siviffer, ^c] Lucian quotes this from Anacreon, 
but I do not remember to have met with it in any part of 
that author now extant. 

f Little hark, ^r.J Alluding to the declamation above 
mentioned, which he vvab going to enter upon. Pope has 
made ufeot this image, and drawn trom it fome of the mofl 
beautiful lines he ever wrote, in nis addreis to Lord Boling- 
broke, where he fays, 

O, while along the ftrer.m of time, thy name 
Expanded fiiet, and gathers all its fume : 
Say, fiiall my little bark attendant fail, 
Purfue the triumph, and partake the gale, &:c. 

See the Epiftle. 



furnifli it, and boldly venture it into the middle 
of the ocean : fan it, ye gods, with a propi- 
tious breeze, for now, if ever I want a favour- 
able wind to fwell my fails, that if I merit it, 
you may cry out with * Homer ; 

Gods ! how his nerves a matchlefs ftrength proclaim. 
Swell o'er his well-ftrung limbs, and brace his frame ! 

• Homr.} See Odyffey, b. xviii. I. 84, 



This little Piece is of the fame Nature with that 
which goes before it, but rather more pleafant, 
though only a kind of jocular Preface to fome 
ferious rhetorical Declamation; wherein Lucian, 
always inclmed to laugh at poetical Fables, ridi- 
cules the Story, as told by Ovid and others, of 
Phaeton 'j Sijlers turned into Poplars, and pajfes 
on to the old abfurd Relation of finging Swans : 
the latter Opinion, indeed, fo unlverfally received 
in the Heathen JVorld, with regard to a Fa^ fo 
contradiSiory to Truth and Experience, is certainly a 
mojl amazing Inftance of the Power of poetical 
Fi^ion, and which has, never yet, I think, been 
properly accounted for. This, by the Style and 
Manner, it may be obferved, is certainly Lu- 
cian'j ; the preceding, might, perhaps, have 
been zvritten by any body elfe, 

I WAS told, I remember, when a boy, that 
amber was dlftilled from poplar trees, that 
grew by the river Eridanus ; that thefe poplars 
were formerly the fifters of Phaeton, who, 
whim they lamented the lofs of their brother, 
were turned into trees, and that they, to this 
day, continue to ihed thefe amber tears. Hear- 


ing the poers fing this flory, I refolved, when- 
ever I had an opportunity of vifiting Eridanus, 
to get under one of thefe poplars, fpread my lap, 
and catch a few drops of it : and not long fince, 
for a different purpofe, having occafion to go 
that wa)'', I failed up the river Eridanus ; but 
though I looked round as carefully as poffible, 
not a poplar, nor a bit of amber could I find 
there ; neither did the inhabitants fo much as 
know the name of Phaeton. When I afked 
the failors how far it was to the poplars that di- 
flilled amber, they laughed, and defired me 
to explain myfelf ; upon which, I told them 
the Oory of Phaeton ; that he was the fon of 
Apollo ; that when he was grown up to be 
a young man, he begged to drive his father's 
chariot for a day ; that he was thrown our, and 
periihed in the attempt -, and that his fifters 
were turned into poplars by the fide of that 
river, where he fell, and flied tears of amber. 

" What lying impoftor, replied they, could 
tell you this? We have never feen this coach- 
man of your's fail into the river, neither have 
we any of thofe poplars which you talk of: if 
there was fuch a thing, do you think we would 
work here for people, and row boats up ngainfl 
the ftream, when we might fo foon get rich, by 
catching the tears of poplars?" This fpeech 



mortified me not a little ; I held my tongue, 
and was alhamed, to think, that, like a boy, I 
Ihould give any credit to poets, who deal in no- 
thing but lies. I could not help being angry 
withal, at the difappointment of my hopes, 
and was vexed that the amber Ihouid thus flip 
out of my hands, having already revolved in 
my mind, to how many ufes I could have put 
it, and how ferviceable it would have been to 

One thing, however, I flill thought myfeif 
fure of, that I fnould hear a number of fwans 
finging on the banks of the river; and, accord- 
ingly, I again enquired of the failors, (for we 
continued rowing up the llream :) '' When, 
faid I, will thefe fwans give us their fvs/eet fong ? 
they were once, we are told, men who fung 
admirably, and * companions of Apollo, and 
afterwards turned into birds on this very fpor, 
where, not forgetful of their muiic, they con- 
tinue ftill to fing/* 

" And will you never, cried they, laugh- 
ing, ceafe telling fables about our river and 
country ? We have worked here upon the ri- 

* Companions^ l^c."] The transformation of the fwans is 
related by fome authors in a different manner. See Ovid*s 
Metamorphofes, b. ii. and Virgil's ^Eneid, b.x. 



ver ever fince we were boys ; now and then, 
indeed, we have met with fwans in the marlhes, 
who make a croaking noife, but fo weak and 
inharmonious, that our crows and jack-daws are 
firens to them : but as to the fweet fongs you 
talk of, we never fo much as dreamed of them, 
and cannot help wondering where you could 
pick up fuch flories about us/* 

Thus may people be deceived in things in 
this kind who truft to fuch as exaggerate all 
they hear or fpeak of : I am, therefore, not a 
little folicitous with regard to myfelf, lefl you 
who come now to hear me, and never heard 
me before, expedting a great quantity of fwans 
and amber from me, fhould go away difap- 
pointed, and laugh at thofe who promifed you 
fo many fine things in my orations ; but I af- 
fure you, no one ever heard me, or ever fliall, 
boafting in this manner. You will find many 
in our Eridanus, whofe eloquence diflills, not 
amber, but gold itfelf, and who are more har- 
monious than all the fwans of the poets ; but as 
for me, you fee what I am, plain, fimple, and 
illiterate, nor can I fing at all. Take heed, 
therefore, left, if you expedt too much, you 
refemble thofe who look at things under the 
water, fuppofing them to be as big as by the 



f efradliOQ of the rays they appear from above, 
when they find them, on taking them out, 
toxich lefs, they are violently angry, I give you 
warning, therefore, when the water is poured 
off, and I am taken out, not to expedl any 
great matters, left, by your own fault, you 
ihould be difappointedo 

Vol. IV, F ^ N, 


^here is fierce any SuhjeSlf however trifling and in- 
fignificanti zvhich in the Hands of Genius may not 
afford fome Entertainment i even an Encomium 
ON A Fly by Lucian, is not without Merit, 
One of our ozvn great Wits, has, in like Man- 
ner, taken the Pains to be very facetious upon 
Nothing ; and another has given us a Differta- 
tion (?« A Broomstick. Of the fame Nature is 
thefportive Play of Fancy which 'uoe meet with 
in this little Piece, zvhere our Satiriji appears in 
the new CharaUer of a Naturalifi, which he ftp - 
ports with a tolerable Degree of accurate Obfer- 
vation, with regard to the Form and ^alities of 
the diminutive Hero, whom he has thought proper 
to immortalize. His application to the Do^lrine 
if Plato has much Humour in it, 

THE" fl}-, compared to gnats and other 
fmall infeds, is, by no means, the lead 
of * birds, but as much bigger than them, as 
it is, itfelf, Icfs than the bee; it is, withal, 
fledged in a different manner, having a kind of 

* Bif^i.] Gr. (7/.ii>cfGTaIov TL'if cpEi'y. Lucian, we fee, at 
one Ilroke has raifed his fly into a bird ; our modern na. 
turalifts v/lU not, I fear, allow him to rank in fo honour- 
3,\>k a clafs, but degrade him into an infect. 


ENCOMIUM oir A FLY. ($7 

hdir all oyer its body, though the feathers are 
thicker on its wings : like locufts, grafshoppers, 
•and bees, its pinions are as much fofter than all 
others, as the Indian habit is lighter and more 
delicate than the Grecian. If you look clofe to 
it, you will obferve that it has as many beautiful 
colours as the peacock, when he expands his 
wings to the fun, and begins his flight ; when 
he flies, he does not flap the air about with his 
lyings like a bat, nor leap like the locull, or 
make a humming like the wafp, but Ikims foftly 
and gently through the air ; he fings a kind of 
fong, not difagreeable, like the gnat, with the 
heavy noife of a bee, or the threatning found 
of the wafp, but as much fweeter and more 
harmonious than them, as the pipe is, in com- 
parifon with the cymbal or the trumpet. Its head 
is not joined clofe to the body as the locufl's is, 
but feparated by a fmall neck, and turns round 
■witheafe: the eyes ftand out, and are tranfparent 
like horn ; the body is round and compadl, and 
the legs coming out of it, not fhorr, as the 
wafp's are, but long and free ; and the belly 
guarded, as it were, with plates, like a coat of 
mail. It defends and revenges itlelf, not by a 
fiing at the extremity of the body, but with a 
probofcis, which it makes ufe of, like the ele- 
phant, to feed itlelf with, and to lay hold of 
F 2 an/ 

68 ENCOMIUM on a FLY. 

any thing ; with this it pricks, and draws the 
blood, which it extradts without much pain, 
and feems to delight in rrioft, though it drinks 
milk alfo: it has fix feet, four of which it 
walks on, and ufes the other two as hands, 
which it employs to carry the food to its mouth, 
in the fame manner as we do. 

It Is at firft a worm, bred in the carcafes of 
men or other animals ; by degrees it puts forth 
its feet, then gets wings, and becomes a bird, 
and breeds another worm, which, like itfelf, 
is foon changed into a fly : it frequents the ha- 
bitations of men, and partakes of their food ; 
tailing every thing but * oil, which is death to 
it. its life is f fhort, and confined within very 
narrow limits ; it rejoices in the day-light, and 
flies about perpetually; but at night is mo- 
tionlefs, neither flies nor fings, but contrafts 
itfelf in filence and obfcurity. 

It fliews no lirtle jkiil and prudence in avoid- 
ing its infidious enemy the fpider, whofe mo- 

* 0/7.] This is flridly true : the leaft drop of oil poured 
on wafps, bees, or other infers, immediately deftroys 
them, probably by (topping up the pores, and preventing 

•}- Shorty ^r.^ See Vincent Bourne's little fong on the 
fubjeft, beginning with 

Eufy, curious, thirlly fly, 
Prink with me, &:c. 



tlons it carefully watches, that it may not fall 
into his net ; of its flrength and courage I need 
not fpeak, as they are celebrated by the * mofl 
fublime of poets, who, praifing his favourite 
hero, compares his valour, not to the lion, the 
leopard, or the boar, but to the boldnefs and 
intrepidity of the fly : not only attributes 
ftrength to it, but courage alfo ; for when re- 
pulfed, it refifts, and purfues its blow : he is, 
indeed, fo fond of it, that he makes mention 
of it, not once only, but feveral times, and fre- 
quently adorns his work with encomiums on it. 
At one time, he gives us -j" a defcription of 
their fallying forth in clufters in purfuit of 
milk 5 and at another, when he is talking of J 
Minerva's turning alide the dart from Mene- 

"* Mofi fublime.'] Gr. fj^syuXofovu toitoj. Homer calls it, 
^ujjf ^afcro;. Pope has changed the fly into a hornet, 
So burns the vengeful hornet, foul all o'er, 
Repuls'd in vain, and thirlty flill of gore. 

See Iliad, b. xvii. 1. 642. 
f A defcription.] 

Thewand'ring nations of a fummer'sday, 
That drawn by milky fleams at evening hoursj 
In gather'd fvvarm furround the rural bow'rs ; 
From pail to pail, with bufy murmur run, 
The gilded legions glitt'rjng in the fun. 

Homer's Iliad, b. ii. 1. 553. 
% Minerva's.] 

So from her babe, when flumber feals his eye. 
The watchful mother wafts th' envenom'd fly. 

See Homer's lUad, b.iv* L 162, 
^3 .. iaus^ 


laus, like a mother preferving her ileeplng in- 
fant, he has recourfe to the fly for a compari- 
fon, bellows on them the mofl beautiful epithets 
of frequent and full, and calls their fpccies * 

A fly is fo flrong, that with its bite it will 
pierce the fkin, not only of a man, but of an 
ox or a horfe ; it will even creep between the 
tvrinkles of the elephant, and wound him as 
deep as a creature of that fize can. 

In love it feems to enjoy peculiar happinefs» 
jBying with its mate in clofe conjunction, as we 
often fee them, for many miles, and never fe- 
parating from each other. When the head of 
a Aj is cut off, the body will live a long time 
and fpin about. 

But there is one extraordinary circumilance 
which I mull take notice of, and which Plato 
feems to have forgot in his treatife on the Im- 
mortality of the Soial ; if you •f- fprinkle alhes 


* Nations.'] Alluding to the former defcrlption of Ho^ 
mer's 6ct£aT&AA«, which Pope calls the Wanderikg Na- 

•j- If jeu' fprinkle, fefc-.] This, in realbn and philofophy^ 
IS Hiving no mute than that heat will revive creatures ap- 
parently dead, and we very well know, that birds, infects, 
and animals, will continue motionlefs, and in a ftate of in- 
fenubility for a whole winter, till fun and fuminer feftore 



over a dead fly, it comes to life again 5 it gains 
a new exlllencc, fo that it is plain^ the fowl of 
a fly mufl be immortal, as after it has left the 
body, it returns, and reanimates, and caufes 
at to fly about again ; which may reconcile us 
to the flory of * Hermotimus, whofe foul, they 
fay, wandered about for a long time after it had 
quitted him, and at lafl returned to his body, 
and reilored him to life. 

The fly alone, exempt from labour, feems 
to enjoy the fruits of other's induflry, and to 
have a table always full ; goats are milked for 
her, for her the bee toils as well as for man- 
kind, for her cooks drefs their meat ; flie 
taftes it before kings them.felves, walks from 
plate to plate, feafts on, and enjoys every thing. 

She doth not make her neft, or fix her ha- 
bitation in any particular place, but, like the 
Scythian, leads a wandering life, and wherever 
night overtakes her, fets up her houfehoid gods, 
and makes her bed. In darknefs, as I before 
obferved, fhe does nothing, nor wifhes ilie to 
do any thing in private, any thing but what 

them to life and motioi:. But when Lucian faid this, hs 
did not expeft us to believe hiirij and only meant a little 
laugh at old Plato. 

* Hermotimus.] See Pliny and Plutarcl;, who tells U8 
snany furprifing ivories of this man and feverai others, won- 
derfully reilored to life. 

F 4 done 


done in open day-light,lhe cannot be alhamed of, 
"^ Mufca, as the fable tells us, was once a 
moft beautiful woman, lively, talkative, and an 
excellent finger, who rivalled the Moon in her 
love to Endymion ; Ihe teized the youth, as he 
llept, with her fongs and tales, till he was offend- 
ed, when Luna changed her into a fly. Still 
mindful of Endymion, fhe difturbs the reft of 
young men, and will not let them fleep ; her 
biting, and thirft of blood, is a mark not of 
anger, but of love ; fhe feeds on beauty, and 
enjoys as much of it as fhe can. 

There was amongft the ancients a -f poetefs 
of this name, beautiful, and learned ; and, like- 
wife, a noble courtefan of Athens, of whom 
the comic poet fays, " this Mufca has bit him 
to the heart.'* Thus, we fee, the comic Mufe 
has adopted her ; nor are parents alhamed of 
calling their daughters by that name : 'I tragedy 
alfo mentions her with honour. 

* This pretty fable of Mufca Is much in the Ovidian 
flyle. A verfion of it into Latin hexameters would be no 
bad exercife for a fchool-boy of tafte and genius. I would 
recommend it to fome of my brother Weftminftcrs as a pro- 
per fubjefttotry their Ikill upon. 

f A poetefs.'] See Olearius's Diflertation on the Female 
Poets of Greece. 

:i: Trageiiy^ What tragedian thefe lines are quoted from 
vvc know not. The commentator fays, Euripidem hsc 
fapere videntur ; but gives no rcafonfor it. 



With wond'rous ardour fprings the daring Iky, 
Fixes on man, and thirfls for hum. in blood ; 
Whilft the arm'd warrior dreads his pow'rful dart. 

I could fay a great deal about * Pythagoras's 
fly, but the ftory is too well known. 

There is a kind of large flies, which fome 
call the fighting or dog-flies, who make a dread- 
ful noife, and fly with furprifing fwiftnefs ; 
thefe are very long-lived, and remain all the 
winter without food, hiding themfelves in the 
roofs of houfes ; it is remarkable, that thefe are 
all a kind of hermaphrodites, both male and 

I had a great deal more to fay on this fubje^t, 
but I will leave off, left, as the proverb fays, jj 
Out of a fly, I fliould make an elephant. 

• Pythagoras's fly. "^ Mufca, or Myra, the daughter of 
Pythagoras, by Theano ; was married to Milo the Croto- 
nian. On this paffage of Lucian, Menage, in his Kiftory 
or Female Philofophers, has this note, " Lucianus, (lavs 
he,) in Mufcae encomlo addit muha de Mufca Pythagorica 
hodie hsc hifloria ignoratur." 

II Out of afiy^ l^c,'\ To make an elephant of a fly, was 
a kind ot proverb, probably of the fame import, and corre- 
fpondentwith our own of "Making mountains of mole- 


T H 1 


In Lu ci AN 's Time, as zvell as in our own, there 
gjoere more pretenders to Learning and Science^ 
than real pojfefors of them. One of ihefe Cox^ 
comhs, whofe Name, luckily for him, is not tranf- 
mitted to us, is here treated with great Severity ;; 
the Ridicule is Jirong and pointed, the Alhificns and 
Comparifons are in general appofite to the Subje^^ 
and the Stories introduced to illvjlratc it, well tcld 
and entertaining, 

ELIEVE mc, my friend, what you nre- 
about will never anfvver the purpofe in- 
tended ; you imagine that by purchafing a few* 
good books, you will get the reputation of a 
man of learning, but, depend on it, that will 
never happen ; for it will only be a flronger 
proof of your ignorance ; becaufe, in the firft 
place, you do not always buy the beft, but truil: 
to thofe who cry them up to you, though they 
know nothing of the m.attcr. You are only a 
bubble to thole book-brokers, who tell you a 
parcel of lies about them. How, indeed, can 
you diftinguifh which are old and valuable^, 
and which are paltry and good for nothing ? 



unlefs you call in the moths for your counfel- 
lors, and judge of their merit by their being 
mouldy, and worm-eaten ; for as to real know- 
lege and judgment of their value, how ihould 
you come by it ? But fuppofing you have got 
all that the excellent * Callinus, or the famous 
f Athenian, that laborious author, ever wrote, 
of what fervice would the poffefiionof them be 
to you, who know no more of their ufe and 
merit than a blind man docs of his millrefs's 
beauty ? You read them, indeed, with your 
eyes open, dwell on fome alongtim.e, and ikim 
over others ; but that is nothing, unlefs you 
know the faults anr^ perfections of every one, 
vinlefs you underhand what ihey mean to in- 
culcate, in what fl) le they are written, which 
are faithfully copied, which are genuine, and 
•which are fpurious. 

All this, you will fay, I may know without 
being taugiit it : but how, I befeecn you? un- 
lefs, perhaps, like the .[; old fliephcrd, you have 
been prefented by the Mufes with a branch of 

* Callinus.'] A perfon of whom we have no particular 
account in any ancient author, but who vvas, probiibly, 
diftinguiflieci in that age, as our Johnfon ai;d Bryant are 
in this, for extraordinary learning and knowlege. 

•f ylthefiian.] Solon. 

% Oldjhe^bcrd.'] Hefiod, See his Theogony, v. 29. 

laurel : 


laurel : though, as for Helicon, where thefe 
godefTes refide, I believe you never fo much as 
heard of it, nor, when a boy, did you ever dwell 
there ; in fuch a one as you, even to mention 
their names would be impiety ; they would not 
deign to appear before fo dirty, fo uncouth a 
ihepherd as thou art, with fo much * fun upon 
thee. By -f Libanitis, (for I muft fwear a vul- 
gar oath when I am talking with you,) I am 
fure the Mufes would never come near you, but 
inflead of giving you laurel, would rather whip 
you with myrtle twigs, or leaves of mallow, 
left their | Holmeus and Hippocrene, ihould 
be polluted by fuch unhallowed lips as thine. 

But, bold and impudent as you are, you can 
never dare to affert that you are a fcholar, that 
you ever cultivated an intimacy with books, 
that fuch a one was your mafter, or fuch a man 
your fchool-fellow : all that you can fay is, that 
you muft be learned, becaufe you have got fo 
many books : but, fuppofe you have all the 

* Sufty t^c.l Gr. TrcAt'oi/ Toi/ HAiov £7ri To) auyiccli t^(pxiv6)iri % 
a mere ruftlc labourer, working naked in the fun, like a 
common flave. 

t LibaTtltis.'] Venus. So called from a temple dedicated 
to her on mount Libanus. See a farther explanation of 
this in Lucian's treatife on the Syrian Goddefs. 

X Holmeus and Hippocrene, '\ Fountains near mount Far- 
naftus. See the beginning of Hefiod's Theogony. 



works of Demofthenesj with his Thucydldes, 
eight times tranrcribed in his own hand, fup- 
pofe you have all that * Sylla fent from Athens 
into Italy, what additional learning can you 
acquire from thence ? Suppofe you lay them 
under you, and lleep upon them, or tye them to 
your gown, and carry them about with you, 
what will you be the better for it ? A monkey, 
as the proverb fays, is flill a monkey, with 
all his golden ornaments about him. You 
have, for ever, indeed, a book in your hand, 
and are perpetually poring over it, but, at the 
fame time, you know not what you read, and 
are like the afs Ihaking his ears at the lyre : if 
books could make their mafter learned, how 
valuable would be the poffeflion of them, the 
happy lot of you rich men only ! who thus 
might purchafe wifdom, and fo far excel us who 
are poor and needy ! who in this cafe could 
contend in erudition with the bookfellers, who 
polTefs and fell fo many volumes ? and yet, on 
examination, they will be found not much more 
learned than yourfelf. but mere barbarians in 
literature, and equally deficient in knowlege 

* Sylia.] The famous Roman general, who carried to 
Rome the large library of Apellico, wherein were the works 
of Ariitotle, Theophrallus, and man/tOther eminent wri- 
ters. See Plutarch's life of Sylla. 



and underftandlftg, as it is moft probable thofe 
•will always be, who know not good from evil ; 
and yet you, perhaps, have only bought two 
cr three books from them, which they are hand- 
ling day and night, and, confequentlyi muft be 
much more learned than you. 

For what reafon, then, can you pofTibly buy 
them, unlefs you think that the very cafes that 
contain the writings of fo many celebrated an- 
cients muft infpire learning? But anfwer me, I 
beer, or, if you cannot do that, give me a nodj 
or ihake of the head, to fignify your affent or 
diflent to what i fliall aik you : Do you really 
think, if a man who knew nothing of the flute, 
■was to purchafe that which * Ifmenias, or -f- 
Timotheus had, and which he gave feyen ta- 
lents for at Corinth, that he would immediately 
be able to play well upon, and fmg to it, or 
that, rather, on the other hand, the pofleffion 
of it would be of no fervice to him v;ho was 
not ikilled in the art beforehand? that Ihake 
of the head acknowlcges the latter : neither, if 

* Ifmenias,'] A famous player on the flute, mentioned 
by Plutarch, Xcnophon, and other ancient writers. 

t Timotheiis.l For an account of this famous mufician, I 
refer the reader to the ingenious Dr. Burney's moil: excel- 
lent and entertaining Hxilory of Mulic ; where he will like- 
wife meet with lbm.e amuiing particulars, with regard to 
Marfyas and Olympus. 



he had never learned, would he fing, though 
he had got the pipe of Marfyas or Olympus, 
Had a man the bow and arrows of Hercules, 
and was not a j Philodtetes, could he make ufe 
of them, or, if he did, could he ever hit the 
mark, would he perforrri the office of a ikilful 
archer ? what fay you ? you Ihake your head 
at this alfo. In like manner, were he who 
knows nothing of piloting to purchafe the moil 
beautiful vefiel, and fit it out, with every thing, 
both ufeful and ornamental ; or, were he, who 
is equally unfkilled in riding, to buy "^ a Kap- 
paphorian, a Median, or a || Theffalian fteedj 
would either of thefe, not knowino- how to 
make ufe of what they had, be ever the better 

t A PhiloHetes.'] Hercules, we are told, at his death on 
mount Hylhis, bequeathed to Philoftetes, as a teflimony 
of his erteem, his bow and arrows : without the pofleirian of 
thefe, the Greeks were informed by an oracle, that Troy 
conld never he conquered. On this fubjed was formed the 
Fhilodetes of Sophocles. See my ranllation of Sophocles, and 
the notes onPhilodtetcs. 

* A Kappaphorian,'\ Gr. KaswTrapo^c*, i. e. a horfe mark- 
ed with a kappa or K, burned in on the thigh : horfes thus 
marked were counted the moft valuable : the Median nwres 
were likewife in high eileem. 

!1 TheJJalian.l Gr. Y.ina.v^\\v, de flirpe Centauri. The 
Centaurs inhabited the mountains in the neighbourhood of 
Theffaly. The ftory of the Cejitaurs is well knov/n ; their 
fuppofed defcendants muH, doubtlefs, have been creatures 
cf extraordinary merit. 



for It ? certainly no ; your nod aflcnts to it t 
grant me then this alfo, when a man, illiterate 
like you,^ buys a number of books, is it not 
only laughing at himfelf, and publifhing his 
own ignorance and incapacity ? why won't you 
nod at this ? the thing is equally clear, and 
every flander-by will cry out in the ufual ftyle, 
■^ what has a dog to do with a bath ! 

Not long ago, there was a rich man in Afia> 
who had the misfortune to lofe both his feet, 
which, in a journey through the fnow, were 
cat off by exceflive cold weather.- Such was 
his miferable condition, which he endeavoured 
to relieve, by getting a pair of wooden ones, 
which were fattened on to his legs, though he 
was, at the fame time, obliged to be carried 
about by his fcrvants; and yet he was always 
ndiculous enough to be purchafing new and 
coftly flioes, and took a great deal of pains to 
have the fineft wooden feet he could procure. 
And are not you doing the very fame thing, 
who have a lame and wooden mind, and yet are 
conftantly putting it into golden fandals, which 
fcarce any one, whofe feet are ever fo well, 
can make fhift to walk in ? 

As, I doubt nor, but amongfl your numer- 

* yyijat hai a dog^ ^t.] Gr. 1i KQmvy.m >^ Qiihtinw* 


Illiterate BooK-HUNTEn. gt 

ous volumes, you have bought a Homer, let 
fomebody, I defire, take the fecond book and 
read it to you^ (for, as to the reft, they are 
nothing to you, and you need not look into 
them,) there you will find the defcription of a 
~f- ridiculous, poor, diftorted fellow^ haranguing 
the people. Now, would this fame Therfi- 
tes, think you, if he were to put on the ar- 
mour of Achilles, become immediately valiant 
and beautiful ; would he tinge the Trojan riverS 
with blood, flay Lycaon and :j: Afleropicus, 
who was not able to wield Achilles's fpear, and 
afterwards deftroy Hedior himfelf ? you never 
can fuppofe it. Would he not rather be laugh- 
ed at, when he was feen limping under the 
ihield, finking down beneath the weight of the 
helmet, rolling about his goggle eyes, raifing 
up the breafl-plate with his crooked flioulders, 
and dragging his heavy boots along, to the ut- 

t J ridiculous, t^c.'] Alluding to tlie charaaer of Ther- 
fites, as drawn by Homer in the fecond book of the Iliad.' 

Loquacious, bold, and turbulent of tongue, 
Aw'd by no (hame, by norefpeft controul'd, 
Jn f^-.indals bufy, in reproaches bold ; 
With witty malice, fiudious to defame, 
Scorn all his joy, and laughter all his aim. 

See Pope's Homer's Iliad, h.Xu\. 256. 
X AJleropaus.l Sec Homer*s Iliad, <J). I. 34 and 119. 

Vol. IV, G ter 


ter difgrace, both of the owner of the arms, 
and the maker of them ? 

And do not you think you mull look full as 
ridiculous with a fine book in your hand, bound 
in purple, with golden boffes, reading it in 
fuch a manner as, by your barbarous pronuncia- 
tion, utterly to fpoil and difguife it, whilfl every 
fcholar laughs at you, and only the flatterers 
who are with you commend, and even they 
turn to one another, and make game of you 
behind your back ? 

And here, I will tell you what happened 
once at the Pythian games : a certain Taren- 
tine, whofe name was Evangelus, a man of no 
mean birth, had fet his heart on gaining a vic- 
tory there : as he was not by nature formed 
either for ftrength or fwiftnefs, he foon per- 
ceived that a contefl in the Palseflra, w^as what 
his abilities were by no means equal to, but 
thought he could excel in finging and playing 
on the harp ; a belief which he had been per- 
fuaded into, by fome * rafcally friends, who, 
whenever he but touched the firings, were mofl 
lavifh in their encomiums on him. He made 
his appearance at Delphos, therefore, in great 
fplendour, with a crown of laurel, all covered 

* Safcally.} Gr, KcilxfXTu*, 



with gold, and emeralds fprouting frotr it, re- 
prefenting the berries, and almoft as large; his 
harp truly admirable, both for its riclinefs ?nd 
beauty, was all of folid gold, adorned with 
gems, and precious ftones, with the iigurcs of 
Apollo, Orpheus, and the Mufes wrought up- 
on it : the fpedtators gazed and wondered. 

At length, when the day of trial came on, 
three candidates appeared, of which, Evange- 
lus (for fo the lots had determined,) was fecond 
to perform : after Thefpis the Theban, who 
had acquitted himfelf with fome reputation, he 
entered the lifts, covered with gold, emeralds, 
beryls, and other jewels, which fet off ihe beau- 
ty of his purple garment : this flruck the whole 
aflembly with aftoniihment, and raifed their 
expedtations of his performance ; when lo, as 
foon as he began to play and fing, his firft 
ftroke was diflbnant and inharmonious, and he 
broke three chords at once, by his violent blows 
on the harp, and then fung fomething fo harfh 
and -j- unmufe-like, that the fpedators imme- 
diately fell a-laughing, and the judges refent- 
ing the man's ignorance and audacity, com- 
manded him to be whipped out of the theatre, 

•{- Unmufe-like,'] Gr. a7ro|Ua(7-o» rt. The Englifli word I 
hive adopted, is, I believe, ufed by Lord Staftcibury. 

G 2 Thus 


Thus did the golden Evangelus make a moft 
ridiculous figure, dragged through the crowd, 
with wounded legs, and picking up the fcatter- 
ed remnants of his fine harp, that was difci- 
plined as well as himfelf. A little after him, 
appeared one Eumelus, an Elian, who brought 
an old harp, with wooden pegs to it ; his gar- 
ments and crown together, were fcarce worth 
ten drachmas : as he played, notwithftanding, 
and fung admirably, he gained the vidtory with 
univerfal applaufe. He laughed at Evangelus, 
who was fo happy in his fine harp and jewels, 
and thus, they fay, attacked him, " You, Evan- 
gelus, were crowned with a golden laurel, be- 
caufe you were rich ; I, with a common Del- 
phic one, becaufe I was poor ; and yet all you 
have got by your finery is, that no body pities 
your ill fuccefs, but you are left to go off with 
the contempt and hatred of all, for your ridi- 
culous pomp and luxury." 

This Evangeliis, my good friend, refembles 
you exadtly, for you never mind being laughed 
at by the fpeftators. 

And now, a-propos, I will tell you an old 

Lefbian flory. When the Thracian women 

tore Orpheus in pieces, his head, they fell us, 

floated on his lyre down the Hebrus into the 

bay of Mela, finging a melancholy dirge, which 



. the lyre, as the wind fwelled its chords, ac- 
companied, and in this mannerdrove to Lefbos, 
where the natives buried the head, in the place 
where the temple of Bacchus now Oands. The 
lyre was hung up in the temple of Apollo, and 
it remained there for a long time : fome while 
after, Neanthus, the fon of king Pittacus, hav- 
ing heard that this fame lyre cold, though 
Orpheus was dead, move, like him, plants, 
flones, and animals, and even, when nobody 
touched it, fend forth moft delightful founds, 
refolved to get poffeffion of it, and accordingly 
bribed the priefts with a large fum of money 
to fteal it out of the temple for him. When 
he had got this invaluable treafure, not think- 
ing it fafe to make ufe of it in the public city, 
he put it in his bofom, went out by night into 
a private place at fome diftance, and there the 
young man, who was totally ignorant of mufic, 
began to flrike the chords, hoping, no doubt, 
that his lyre would yield fuch divine founds as 
mud charm every ear, and that he Ihould be 
the heir of Orpheus; when behold ! a multitude 
of dogs, for there were many of them in that 
neighbourhood, attracted by, the noife, got to- 
gether, and * tore him in pieces : thus, and 


* Tffre biffif isfc.} Luciau's ftory of Neanthus being tQri\ 
G 3 ta 


thus only did he refemble Orpheus ; a melan- 
choly proof that it was not the lyre which was 
fo perfuafive, but the art and fkill of the mafter 
who played on it, and which he inherited from, 
his * mother ; the inftrument itfelf was no bet* 
ter than thofe of others. 

But why need I talk to you of Orpheus and 
Neanthus, when in our own times there lived 
(and perhaps Hill lives), a man who gave three 
thoufand drachmas for the earthen lamp that 
belonged to Epid:etus the Stoic, fatisfied, na 
doubt, that if he read every night by that lamp,, 
he Ihould inherit his wifdom, and foon become 
a rival of that admirable old philofopher. 

Another, but a few days ago,, bought, for a 

talent, the flafFof f Peregrinus, which he left 

behind him when he leaped into the fi,re : this 

he keeps by him, and Ihews about, as the ^ 

Tegfeans the ikin of the Caledonian boar, the 


to pieces for his bad mufic^ puts us in mind of a firailar 
pafiage in Shakfpeare's Julius Csefar, where the mob in, 
purllii;, of Cinna the confpirator, light by miftake on the 
other Clnna, who, to fave hinifelf, cries out, " I am 
Cinna ihe pott,'* and one of them humoroully replies, 
*' O tear him to pieces for his bad verfes.'* 

* His mother.'] Orpheus is faid to have been the foii of 
the mule Calliope. 

-j- Peregrinus.] See Lucian's Death of Peregrinus. 

j The Tegaans.] Teg^a, a town of Arcadia, celebrated 
^ for the exploits of the Caledonian boar, killed by Melea- 


Thebans the bones of * Geryon, or the Egyp- 
tians the hairs of -f Ifis. The mailer, in the 
mean time, of this wonderful treafure is fupe- 
rior even to you in impudence and ignorance : 
you both deferve the ftafF upon your Ihoulders. 
Dionyfius the tyrant is faid to have wrote fe- 
veral tragedies, all poor and miferable fluff, 
which poor | Philoxenus was feverely punifhed 
for laughing at, and hearing that he had been 
ridiculed on account of them, he purchafed the 
tablets which Efchylus ufed to write in, not 
doubting but that from that time forth he 
fhould be infpired with the true poetical fury ; 
but unfortunately, after the pofTefiion of them, 
he wrote flill worfe than ever ; witnefs his Do- 
ric ode that begins, " Then cam.e the wife of 

ger, whofe ftory is fo finely told by Ovid. Paufanias, in 
his Arcad. confirms the aflertion of Lucian, and tells us very 
gravely, that the Ikin of the Caledonian boar is Hill there, 
though the hair is off, and the fkin dried up by time. 

* Geryon,"] The famous giant with three bodies, (lain by 

f JJts.] The great Egyptian divinity, daughter of Sa- 
turn and Rhea, and wife of Ofiris. I would give my readers 
the whole hiftory of this goddefs, her worfhip, &c. but as 
it would take up two or three hundred pages, which is more 
than I have to fpare, 1 hope they will excufe me the quo» 

% Philoxenus.'] The flory of Philoxenus is told Kt large 
by Diodorus Sicul, book xv. 

G 4 Diony« 


Dionyfius," and his ditty of *« Alas how charm«i 
ing a partner have I loll !" (for thefe were writ- 
ten in the tablets), and that piece of his, where 
he fays, *^ Foolifh mortals deceive therufelvesj" 
"which, indeed, he feems to have levelled ^t 
you, and for this alone his tablets defeiye gild* 

What you can hope to get from books I can-., 
not conceive, and yet you are always poring 
over them for ever, tying, binding, oiling, 
and cafmg and preferving them with cedar and 
fafFron, as if you could reap any advantage from 
them ; or as if books could teach you to be elo- 
quent, though you are ftill as mute as a filh : as 
to your life, it is to the laft degree impious and 
abominable, and if books make j^ou what you 
are, they are furely of all things what you 
Ihould never cqme near. 

There are but two things which a man can 
learn from the lludy of the ancients, to fpeak 
and to do what is right, to be ambitious of good 
and fly from evil; and if we gain neither of 
thefe, v/hat ufe can books be of, but to find 
employment for mice, afford a habitation for 
jnoths, or get poor fervants beat for not taking 
care of them ? 

How alhamed muft you be if any one, feeing 
a book in your hand, (for you always have one), 



ihould afk you what orator, poet, or hiftorian 
it is ! this, as you know the title, you are able, 
perhaps, to anfwer, but when the difcourfe goes 
on, as it generally does in thefe cafes, and he 
begins to praife or find fault with any paflaf^e, 
then, as you know nothing about it, you have 
nothing to fay ; on fuch an occafion do not 
you with the earth would open and fwallow you 
up, rather than thus be caught carrying a book 
about like Bellerophon ? 

When Demetrius the Cynic, feeing an illite- 
rate fellow with a book in his hand, and read- 
ing that beautiful paflage of the -f Bacchze of 
Euripides, where the meffenger recounts the 
flory of Pentheus and Agave, he fnatched ic 
out of his hand, and tore it pieces, faying, " It 
is better for Pentheus to be deftroyed at once 
by me, than to be perpetually torn in pieces by 
you.*' i Often have I caft about in my mind 
for a reafon, but never could yet find one, why 

f Baccha.'] See the Bacchae of Euripides, I. 1041. 

X Often have I^ ^c] The reader cannot but obferve 
that in this little tradl there is too much redundancy and 
repetition of the fame fentiments, a fault which Lucian is 
'fonetimes guilty of; but it an author will repeat, thetranfla- 
tor is bound in honour to repeat after him : the great lord 
Chefterfield, however, has done the fame; if the repetitions 
were taken out, his four volumes of letters to his fon might 
Jjg reduced to two, 



you Ihoiild be perpetually buying books ; for, 
as to the ufe or fervice it could be of, nobody, 
who had the leall knowlege of you, could ever 
perceive or imagine it, more than a comb would 
be to a bald man, a looking-glafs to a blind, a 
ilute to a deaf one, a plough to a pilot, an oar 
to a hulbandman, or a miftrefs to an eunuch ; 
at is merely the oflentation of affluence, and to 
ihev;^ that you have enough to throw away even 
upon what is unneceffary ; though even I, who 
am an illiterate * Syrian, very well know, that 
if you had not crept fraudulently into the old 
man's will, you mull: have flarved by this time, 
or fold your library by aucftion. 

But, after all, perhaps you were perfuaded 
into it by your flatterers, who made you believe 
that you were not only handfome and agreeable, 
but a moft learned man, an orator, and hifto- 
rian : you buy books therefore to keep up the 
character they have given you : you recite be- 

* Syrian.'] Lucian, we may obferve, is always remind- 
jng us of his being a Syrian : as the Greeks looked on all 
but themfelves as Barbarians, his birth, he knew^, would 
frec[uent]y be thrown in his teeth, as a reproach upon him, 
he was refolved, therefore, to be beforehand with them ; 
this fpecies of felf-abufe is generally a mark of vanity, a 
weaknefs which men of wit and genius are feldom free from. 
In Swift's verfes on his own death, we meet with a great 
deal of this, as well as in feveral other parts of his works. 




fore them, they fay, at table, whilft they, like 
fo many thirfly frogs, croak out your praifes, 
and cannot drink till they burft with acclama- 
tions ; it is no wonder you are t I'^d by the liofe, 
and believe every thing they fay, when, not 
lono" ago, they perfuaded you that you were 
like the % emperor; and before you, we know, 
there was a falfc § Alexander, a (ham || Philip, 
and, in the memory of our fathers, a pretend- 
ed ~1^ Nero, and many other impotiors of the 
fame kind ; nor ihould I be furprifed if f"uch a 
foolilh illiterate fellow as you fhould bend his 
neck on one fide, and mimic the walk and ha- 

f Led by the nofeC\ Greek j'»>of i>.Kiff^a.t, it is remarkable 
that our EngUfh idiom in this phrale aniwers exadly to tlie 

\ The emperor, 1 Marcus Aurelius, who was a man of 
erudition, and the patn^n of polite literature. 

§ Afalje Alcxander^^ 1 he young man, whom Juflin calls 
fortis extreme juvenis, who under pretence of being the 
fon ot Antiochub Epiphanes, demanded of Demetrius So- 
ter the kingdom ot . ) ria as his inheritance, and went to war 
with him for it. See jullin c. xxxv, 

II Sham Philip.} ridramyttenus Andrifcus, quern in ful- 
lonio natuni, as Ammianus Marcel, tells us,tortuna muta- 
bilisad Pfeudo-Philippinomenevexit. See Ammian, book 
xiv. c. 19. Vclleius Paterculus fays, regium nomen animo 
quoque regio implevit. 

4. Nero.] Cafaubon, in his notes on the life of Nero bj 
- Suetonius, fpeaks of three impoftors who had aflumed that 



bit of him whom, as you flatter yourfelf, you 
fo nearly refemble ; when even Pyrrhus the Epi- 
rot, a man in all other refpeds truly admirable, 
was {o corrupted by flatterers as to imagine 
liimfelf the very picture of Alexander, though 
they were in reality as far from one another as 
the moll diflant * notes in mufic can poflibly 
be : for I have feen a drawing of Pyrrhus : and 
yet he imagined himfelf the exadt copy of 
Alexander; thus far I have injured him by 
comparing him to you : but with regard to the 
following circumftance, the likenefs will hold 
good. When Pyrrhus had once brought him- 
felf to believe this, there was not a creature 
about him but readily acceded to his opinion, 
and enflamed the diflemper, till an old womaa 
of Larifla cured him of it ; for, as he was one 
day Ihewing her the pidures of Philip, Per- 
diccas, Alexander, CaiTander, and feveral other 
great men, he aiked her who he was moft like, 
not doubting but that flie would anfwer Alex- 
ander; when, after confidering a. good while, 
ihe replied, he was extremely like Batrachion, 
the ccok : and the truth was, fuch a man did 
adually live in the city at that time, whom 
Pyrrhus greatly refembled. I will not fay 

* Notes.} Greek, oia^iKisaaun to fflrpay/*a. See Burney's 
Hiflory of Mufic. 



which of your paralites you are moft like, hut 
this I know, that every body thinks you mad 
for pretending to be the image of a -j- certain 
perfon : you muft be a bad judge of likenefles, 
indeed, to give credit to flatterers in this point; 
but to be ferious, I know your true reafon well 
enough, though I was too lazy to mention it 
before ; it is this ; you wifely refledted, and from 
thence have formed no little expedtations, that 
the emperor is a man of fenfe, and holds learn- 
ing in the greateft efteem; you thought, there- 
fore, no doubt, that if he heard you had bought 
a great number of books, you might foon hope 
to get every thing you pleafed of him. 

And can you fuppofe him fo intoxicated with 
J mandragora, as when he hears this of you, 

■f Certain perfcn.'] The emperor M. Aurelius, as before 
alluded to. 

j MantJr agora.'] Or mandrake, a plant of a ftrong nar- 
cotic quality, probably in frequent ufe amongil the ancients, 
who, perhaps, took it as the modern Turks do opium, 
the efteds of which are iimilar, as it produces a kind of 
drunkennefs and ftupidity. Our great dramatift mentions it 
as a foporific, 

Not poppy, nor mandragora, 
Nor all the drowfy fyrups of the Eaft, 
Shall ever medicine thee to that fweet lleep 
Which thou owedit yellerday. 

See Shakfpeare's Othello. 

«.:; that 


that he is not at the fame time acquainted with 
your manner of living, your daily revels, and 
your nightly debauches ? Do not you know that 
kings have many eyes and many ears, and that 
your adtions are fo very open that even the deaf 
and blind are no ftrangers to them ; if you but 
open your mouth, or go into the bath, nay 
even if your fervants do it, are not all your 
Bofturnal fports quickly difcovered ? If any of 
your fools, your fidlers, or your parafites, fhould 
put on the lion's ikin, and walk about with a 
club, do you think he would be taken for 
Hercules, when there are hundreds that can de- 
ted: him, that know his voice, gellure, and ha- 
bit, and have feen the walhes and paints you 
difguife yourfelves with ? It is eafier, as the 
proverb fays, to hide five elephants under your 
arm, than to conceal one ^ parafite : when it 
is fo difficult a taik to hide the afs under the 
lion's ikin, why will you attempt to fculk be» 
hind your books r It is indeed to no purpofe ; 
there are marks enough to betray you ; you 
feem not to know what above all it is neceflary 
for you to be acquainted with, that your re- 
putation muft depend on yourfelf and your own 

* Parafite.^ Greek, micu^ov, clnxdum.~The tranflanon 
is not ftndly juftj but the realbn ij obvious. 



life and manners, and not on your bookfellers ; 
and yet you call in the evidence of Atticus and 
Callinus, who, in due time, will not fail to 
ruin you : and even now, if you were in your 
fenfes, you would fell all your books to fome 
man of learning, together with your new- 
built houfe, and pay your J brokers fome part 
at leaft of what you owe them. 

You have two leading paffions, one for buy- 
ing dear books, and the other for purchafmg 
young Haves and parafites ; it is impoHible with 
your fmall fortune to indulge them both; a 
little good advice in this cafe may be of the ut- 
moit fervice to you : let me perfuade you to 
quit that folly, which does not at all become 
you, and apply yourfelf entirely to the other ; 
inftead of Haves and fycophants purchafe, if 
ever fo dear, freemen, who will not, like com- 
mon fervants, tell every thing that happens after 
your debauches, as the harlot did the other 
day, who difcovered certain iniquitous prac- 
tices, and brought proofs and witnefTes of it. 
Keep your money, my good friend, for this 

j By-okers.'] Greek, avo^ccTro^axaTrvy^ot;, a word which it is not 
at prefent very eafy to afcertain the true and exad ufe of; 
the Latin interpreter tranllates it n :tno;onibus. The moll 
natural fenfe, and moft agreeable to the context is that 
which I have adopted, of a broker, or fador, a perfon ap- 
pointed to buy and fell, aod dobufinefs for his principal. 



purpofe, that you may henceforth play the fool 
in fafety ; never trufl thofe now about you ; for 
the dog that is ufed ^ to gnaw carrion will never 
leave it off. 

As to ceafing to buy books, nothing can be 
more eafy ; you are learned enough already, 
and have wifdom fufficient ; have all the an- 
cients at your tongue's end ; are a complete 
matter of hiftory ; know every Attic word, 
with all the arts of fpeech, its beauties, and 
its faults ; by the multitude of books you have 
purchafed, you muft, no doubt, have attained 
to perfection in every fcience: but may I afk 
you (for as you are fo fond of being laughed 
at, I fee no reafon why I Ihould not laugh at 
you as well as other people), tell me then, 
amongft all your books, which are you fond- 
eft of, Plato or Antifthenes, Hipponax or An- 
tilochus ? Or, perhaps, you defpife thefe, and 
read none but orators ; have you ftudied -j- MC- 
chines's oration againft Timarchus ? But you 
know, I fuppofe, all thefe by heart; Have 

* I'o gnaiv-l Greek, o-avroTfxym, corium rodere. 
Ut canis a corio nunquam abfterrcbitur undtp. 

Hor. lib. ii. Sat. 5. I, 85, 

f JEf chine i^s.'\ In this oration, which is ftill extant, the 

reader will find Lucian's reafon for pointing out that parti- • 

cular part of -/Efchines's works, to his Illiterate Book-Hunter. 



you read alfo * Eupolis and Ariftophanes ? Are 
you mafter of the 'j- Baptse, did nothing in 
them affedt you particularly, or make you blulh 
when you applied it to yourfelf ? When do you 
lludy them moft ? in the day time, when no- 
body, I believe, ever faw you, or in the night 
before your other employments ? Leave your 
books then, and mind your bufinefs, not for- 
getting the Ph^dra of Euripides, where ilic 

X Nor fear the horrors of the confcious night, 
Or the dread voice, that from the fpeaking walls. 
Awaking guilt 

But if, after all, you are refolved to perfifl: in 
this folly, away with you ; go, purchafe books, 
lock them up, and glory in the pofTcflion of 
them ; this is fufficient for you : but never 
touch or read them, never quote any of the an- 
cient orators or poets who have done you no 

* Eupolis.'] A famous comic poet, mentioned by Ho» 
race and others, whofe works are not come down to us. 

f Bapta.] The name of one of Eupolis's comedies, pro- 
bably the priells mentioned by Juvenal, 

Cecropiam Ibliti Baptse laflare Cotytto. Sat. ii. v. 92, 

If the reader is delirous of being farther acquainted with 
them, I would refer him to the paffage, and the notes upon 

i A'or feary i^cJ] See the HippolytuB of Euripides^ 

Vol. IV. H harm. 


harm. I know my jells are all thrown away 
upon you, and that I am endeavouring, as the 
proverb fays, To || walh a black-moor white. 
You will flill buy books, ftill make no ufe of 
them, and dill be laughed at by men of let- 
ters, who value them not for their external 
beauty, or for what they coft, but for the 
merit and genius of the writer. And yet, you 
think, that your ignorance muft be conceal- 
ed, and that men will have a high opinion of 
you, from the multiplicity of your books ; not 
perceiving, that in this you refemble thofe un- 
fkilful phylicians, who have fine ivory chefls for 
their medicines, * cupping inftruments made 
of lilver, and launcets tipped with gold, though 
they do not know how to make ufe of them ; 
whilfl an underftanding man, with a rufty cafe 
of inflruments, fhall take out a Iharp launcet, 
and cure the patient immediately. Or rather, 
to fuit you better with a moie ridiculous com- 
parifon, obferve the barbers, and you will per- 
ceive that the befl artifts among them have a 

II WaJ}}, l^c] Gr. AifitoTra cr^nxfn'. It is obfervable, that 
the Englifh expreffion anfvvers exactly and literally to that 
of the Greek. 

* Cupp'nig^ -^c] Gr. Xixyia; «pyt;p?. The cucurbita, or 
cupping inilrument, made ufe of by the ancients, was gene- 
rally of brafs or horn j the moderns make much better of 



common razor, and a moderate fized looklng- 
glafs ; whilft the bunglers, and thofe who know 
but little of their trade, produce a multitude 
of inftruments, and immenfe fpecula, though 
thefe are generally ignorant of their bufinefs ; 
and yet it is the cuftom, which is foolilh 
enough, for people to go to the one to be Ihav- 
cd, and to the other with the large glaffes, to 
have their hair done. In like manner, you 
might lend your books to others, though you 
do not know how to make ufe of them your- 
felf : but even this you will never do, for you 
are like the dog in the manger, neither eat your- 
felf, nor let the horfe do it. 

Thus far I have given you my opinion with 
regard to your books only ; your life and con- 
verfaVion fhall be referved for another opportu- 

H2 ON 

O N 


The following TraB is aferious Declamation againji 
Calumny^ Inve^ive, and Evil-fpeaking, Vices that 
were almojl as faJJmnable in the Days o/Lucian 
as at this prefent writings and fo fuitahle to all 
Times and Seafons, that a Modern Divine might 
fafelypafs it off in the Pulpit, perhaps^ without be- 
ing fufpe5led of Plagiarifm-, there are^ indeed, 
many worfe Sermons on the SuhjeB. The Reader^ 
who may be difappointed at not meeting with 
a large Fund of Wit and Humour, will be made 
amends ■ by the many judicious Reflexions, lively 
Images, andfenftble Illujlrations, that are inter- 
fperfed through every Part of it. 

IGNORANCE is undoubtedly one of the 
ereateft evils incident to mankind, and the 
fource of innumerable misfortunes ; it fpreads a 
kind of perpetual darknefs round us, obfcures 
the luftre of truth, and cafts a fhade over the 
lives of men ; it forces us to wander about, 
like the blind, ftill falling iliort of the mark, or 
going beyond ir, not feeing ivhat lies at our 
feet ; and, at the fame time, Handing in fear of 
that, as full of danger, which is at the greateft 


On calumny. ioi 

diftance from us : it is this which makes us 
Humble in every thing we do ; this has furnifh- 
ed arguments for the ftage-writers, at every pe- 
riod of time, for "^ Labdacus, the houfe of Pe- 
lops and the reft. Ignorance is the daemon that 
fills the tragic fcene ; its eifeds, with regard to 
every thing, are dreadful : but, above all, when 
we conlider it as the caufe of calumny and falfe- 
witnefs againft our friends and acquaintance, 
by which whole families have been ruined, 
cities laid wafte,fathers driven to madnefs againft* 
their children, and children againft their pa- 
rents, brother againft brother, and hufband 
againft wife : houfes have been thrown into con- 
fufion, and friendihips torn afunder, by the 
fpecious teftimony of evil-fpeaking. 

The better, therefore, to prevent thofe fatal 
confequences, I propofe, in the following trafV, 
to Ihew what calumny is, whence it arifeth, 
and how it adts. Apelles the -f Ephefian hath 
drawn this pidure before me; he was unjuftly 
accufed of bearing a part in the confpiracy 

* Lahdacvsy th koufe^ i^c.'] Alluding to the Ilorles of 
Oedipus, and his fons, Atreus Thyeftes, &c. fo frequently 
and variouily treated by the Greek tragedians. 

f The Ephfjian,'] Not that Apelles who lived in the time 
of Alexander, but a native of Colophon, an Epbefian by 
^idoptioB, and d.ifciple of Parophilus, 

H 3 ^ which 

J02 O N C A L U M N Y. 

which Theodotus had formed againft f Ptole- 
my at Tyre, though he had never been at 
Tyre, or knew any thing of % Theodotus, any 
more than that he was a commander under 
Ptolemy, and had the care of Phcrnicia entruft- 
ed to him. One Antiphilus, a rival artill, who 
envied him, both for the excellency of his paint- 
ing, and the efteem in which he was held by 
the king, had, it feems, informed Ptolemy, 
that he was privy to the tranfa<ftion, that a per- 
"fon had feen him at fupper with Theodotus and 
Phsenice, and in clofe conference with him dur- 
ing the whole entertainment, and that, in fliort, 
the defeftion of Tyre, and the taking of Pclu- 
fium, were both owing to the counfel and af- 
fiftance of Apelles. Ptolemy, a man in other 
refpects not over-wife, and nurfed up from his 
infancy by that adulation which is generally 
beftowed on tyrants, was fo worked upon by 
this improbable and abfurd calumny, that, 
never confidering within himfeif, that the ac- 
cufer was one ot his rivals, or how impoffible it 
was for a poor painter to fupport fuch a confpira- 
cy ; efpecially one whom he had fo highly fa- 

•J- Ptolemy} Philopater, the Ion of Euergetes, and the 
fourth ot that name who was king of iEgypt. 

i '1 htoa'otus.] The ^tolian, who betrayed Ptolemy, and 
delivered up the city of Tyre to Antigonus. The Itory is 
told at large by Polybius, b. v. 


On calumny. 103 

voured and preferred to all of his profeflion ; 
without even fo much as enquiring whether 
Apelles had ever been at Tyre, grew fo exafpe- 
rated, as to fill the whole palace with com- 
plaints of his ingratitude, calling him a traitor 
and confpirator ; infomuch, that if one of thofe 
who were taken up at the fame time, flruck 
with companion for Apelles, and detefling the 
impudent falfehood of Antiphilus, had not de- 
clared that he had no concern in it, he would, 
probably, have loft his head, and paid, him- 
felf, the price of Tyrian perjury and falfehood. 
Ptolemy is faid fo feverely to have repented of 
his credulity, as to make Apelles a prefent of a 
hundred talents, and to have given Antiphilus 
to him as a flave. Apelles, who long bore in 
mind the danger he had been in, revenged the 
calumny againft him by a * pid:ure which I Ihall 
here defcribe to you. 

On the right hand fide fits a man with ears 
almoft as large as Midas's, ftretching forth his 
hand towards the figure of Calumny, who ap- 
pears at a diftance coming up to him ; he is 

* PiHure.^ This allegorical pifture, as defcribed by Lu- 
cian, feems to have great merit with regard to the defiga 
and compofition ; as inch I would recommend it to the con- 
f.deration of our modern Apelles, my ingenious friend Mr. 
Benjamin Weft, who is capable of doing juftice to fuch a 
fubje<St, and would execute it finely. 

H 4 attended 

104 On calumny, 

attended by two women, who, I imagine, re- 
prefent Ignorance and Sufpicion. From the 
other fide approaches Calumny, in the form 
of a woman, to the laft degree beautiful, but 
feeming warm and inflamed, as full of anger 
and refentment; bearing a lighted torch in her 
left hand, and with her right dragging by the 
hair of his head a young man, who lifts up 
his eyes to heaven, as calling the gods to wit- 
nefs his innocence. Before her ftands a pale 
ugly figure, with fharp eyes, and emaciated, 
like a man worn down by difeafe, which we 
eafily perceive is meant for Envy ; and behind 
are two women, who feem to be employed in 
drefling, adorning, and affifting her; one of 
whom, as my interpreter informed me, was 
Treachery, and the other Deceit : at fome dif- 
tance, in the back part of the pidture, ftood a 
woman, in a mourning habit, all torn and 
ragged, which, we were told, reprefented Pe- 
nitence; as fhe turned her eyes back, fhe 
blufhed and wept at the fight of Truth, who was 
approaching towards her. 

In this manner did Apelles exprefs the dan- 
ger he had efcaped from. And now, if you 
pleafe, we will endeavour to imitate the Ephe- 
fian painter, and defcribe Calumny, with every 
thing that belongs to her : Calumny then, is an 


O N C A L U M N Y. 105 

accufation made without knowlege of the per- 
fon accufed, brought againft one party who is 
abfent, and believed by the other, having no 
one to contradidl it. 

Such is the fubj eft-matter of this difcourfe. 
But here, as in our comedies, there are three 
principal parts ; he who brings the accufation, 
he againft whom it is made, and he to whom 
it is brought ; let us confider them all by turns, 
and enquire into the bufinefs of each : to be- 
gin then, with him who plays the firfl part, 
the author of the calumny ; that fuch a one 
can never be a good man, is indifputable, for 
no good man ever injures another; he rather 
ftrives to prevent the efFedts of envy and jea- 
loufy, by reconciling men one ro another, and 
Ihews his benevolence by his good opinion of 
his friends and jieighbcurs : it were eafy to 
fhew, that the calumniator muft be the moft 
unjuft, wicked, and pernicious of men ; nobody- 
will deny that impartiality is the effence of 
juftice, and partiality of injuftice ; does not 
he, then, who ilanders the abfent, take more 
upon himfelf than he ought, doth he nor en- 
tirely feize upon, and poiTefs the hearer, whofe 
ears already filled with calumny, a'c cntiiely 
ihut againft the other fide ? The greaieft, rhis, 
no doubt, of all human injuries; as the beft la\v- 


io6 On calumny. 

givers, Solon and Draco, long lince acknow- 
leged it, who bound the judges by a folemn 
oath, to hear both parties with equal patience, 
till the caufe was fully determined, and it plain- 
ly appeared, which was the worfe, and which 
the better part : they ever held that a profane 
and impious judgment, which was made before 
the defence had been fairly oppofed to, and 
compared with the accufation. If we permit 
the accufer to fay what he pleafes without fear, 
and fhut our ears againft the defendant, or, 
over-perfuaded by what hath been alleged 
againft, filently condemn him, the gods, them- 
felves, will refent your injuftice and inhumani- 
ty; it is, therefore, neither juft nor lawful to 

But, if the legislators who thus prefcribe juf- 
tice and impartiality, are not of fufficient weight 
and authority, let us call in to our aid one of our 
belt * poets, who hath determined, or rather de- 
creed concerning this point : where he fays. 

Give not thy judgment ere thou hear'ft what both 
May plead in their defence. 

He, no doubt, was well convinced, that of 
all wicked adlions in life, nothing could be 

* Poet.. J, The commentators tell us that the verfe quoted 
in the original is taken from Phocylides : no fuch verfe, 
however, is now extant. 


On C A L U M N Y. 107 

more unjuft or more impious than to crndemii 
any man unheard and untried; which the ca- 
lumniator is conftantiy guilty o^ by fubjedting 
him whom he flanders to unmerited refentment, 
and by a clandeitine acculation, taking away 
from him the means of defending hin.felf ; for 
thefe kind of people, who arealwa\s deceitful 
and cowardly, do nothing' openly ; but, like 
thofe who lye in ambufli, fnoo; .ir you at a 
diftance, from fome fecret place, A'here you 
have no power to refift them, but muft inevita- 
bly perilli for want of knowing their art and 
manner of fighting. This is to me a certain 
fign, that calumniators accufe, for the molt 
part, without acaufe; for, if a man knows that 
what he afferts againft any one is true, he v .11 
prove it publicly, provoke him to a rieferce, 
and reply to it. He who has reafon to l-ope for 
victory in the open field, never makjs uie of 
treachery or fraud to fubdue his enemy. 

Calumniators are obferved to flourifh and 
abound moft in the courts or prir-.-.s, and in 
the houfes of the rich af- giea-., where rhcre 
is always a great 'Jeal ct envy, teti thouiand 
fufpicions, and perpetual fooo for calun.'ny and 
adulation ; where hopes are muiiipiied, dtfires 
mud be m.ore eaL^er, hatred more dangerous, 
and detradtion more malevolent ; in fuch places 



men look upon each other with prying eyes, 
and endeavour, like gladiators, to find out fome 
naked part of the body : every one flrives to 
be fiift, and therefore elbows and joflles his 
neighbour, always trying to fupplant and trip 
up the heels of the man who goes before him : 
in this ftruggle the good and worthy is foon 
thrown out with ignominy, whilft he who is 
billed in flattery, and fuch like evil arts, will 
always flourifh. The aflailant generally fuc- 
ceeds : fo true is * Homer*s obfervation. 

Mars is our common lord, alike to all, 
And oft the viftor triumphs but to falL 

When the conteft is for things of confequencc 
and value, many arts are put in practice againft 
each other, amongft which the moft expeditious, 
as well as the moft dangerous and deflruftive, is 
calumny, which arifeth from the envy of an- 
other's happlnefs, and is itfeif attended with the 
moft tragic and fatal calamities ; to raife fuf- 
picions, however, is no fmall or eafy tafk, but 
requires great care, art, and ingenuity; the 
calumny would not wound fo deep if it was not 
well fupported, nor could it prevail againft 
truth, which is ftronger than all things, unlefs 
many an alluring, probable, and perfuafive slT" 
gument was made ufe of to betray the hearer. 

» Homer*s ohfewatlon.'] See II. S. 1. 309. 


On calumny. 109 

The man who is in the higheft honour, and 
therefore moft expofed to envy, is generally 
the objedt aimed a'c ; againft him all point their 
arrows, looking upon him as the greateft ob- 
ftacle and impediment ; if he who is the prin- 
cipal could be got the better of, and removed 
from the royal favour, every one might then 
hope to fucceed to it. 

• Juft fo doth it happen in the public courfe ; 
for there the good racer, as foon as he flarts 
from the bar, pufhes forward with all fpeed 
to the goal, and, relying on the fwiftnefs of 
his feet alone for the vidory, he hurts no one, 
plan? no deftruftive fchcmes againft his rivals; 
whilft the flow of foot, who has no hopes of 
fuccefs, turns his mind to evil arts, and only 
thinks how he may flop and detain the fwift 
courfer, well knowing, that if he cannot do this, 
it is impofTible he fhould himfelf ever gain the 
vidlory; and thus it is with regard to the friend- 
fhip of the great; he who has the firft place 
.45 always expofed to the treachery of others, 
and if he falls amongft powerful enemies, is in- 
evitably deftroyed ; thofe are often carelied and 
looked upon as the befl friends who can do the 
moft hurt; thole who would have their calum- 
ny firmly believed never ad carelefly, but take 
their utmoft pains that nothing improbable, or 


no On calumny. 

foreign to the purpofe, fhall appear in their 
accufations ; for which reafon they generally 
produce, againft him whom they calumniate, 
fuch crimes as he might mofl probably be guilty 
of; accufe the phylician, for inftance, as a 
poifoner, the minifter as a traitor, the rich 
man as a tyrant; add to this, that the paffions 
of the hearer generally furnifli matter for, and 
point out the fubjedt of accufation to the ca- 
lumniator. If the great man is jealous, fuch a 
one, they tell him, winked at, or made figns 
to his wife ; or when he looked at her, he figh- 
ed, Ihe in return looked kindly at him, with a 
fmile of love and complacency, with other 
marks of loofe and adulterous deligns. If he 
values himfelf on his talents for poetry, by 
heaven, fays fomebody, Philoxenus laughed at 
your verfes, abufed them, and fwore they were 
rough and inharmonious. If he is * pious and 
religious, his friend Ihall be reprefented to him 
as a profane fellow, or an atheift, one who 
difbelieves a divine providence, and denies the 
being of a god. In all thefe cafes, the man 
can hear but one fide ; he grows angry and en- 

• Plous^ ^<r.] illi 

Tardo cognomen pinguls damus, & bene fano 
Ac non incauto, fi£tum aftutumque vocamus. 

Hor, lib. i. fat. 3. 

On calumny. m 

raged at his friend, and at once hates and ab- 
hors him, without waiting for reafons or proofs 
againft him ; as they always produce fuch things 
as they are fure will moft incenfe and provoke 
the perfon to whom they are told : when they 
know which part is mofl eafily wounded, to that 
they dired: the blow, and in fuch a manner, that 
enflamed with immediate refentment, no room 
is left for an enquiry after truth ; fo that if a 
man is willing to defend himfelf, he fhail not 
be permitted, the judgment being already pre- 
determined by an appearance of truth. 

But the moft fuccefsful fpecies of calumny is 
that which accufes a man of doing what is m.oft 
oppofite to the tafte and inclination of the hearer. 
Thus Demetrius, the Platonift, was accufed be- 
fore Ptolemy -f Dionyfus, for drinking water, 
and appearing without a female garment at the 
feaft of Bacchus ; and if he had not, the very 
next day, before a number of people, drank 
wine, put on a Tarentine habit, and danced to 
the cymbals, he would probably have been put 
to death, as a man who would not conform to 
the luxurious manner of living pradtifed and 
preicribed by the emperor. 

•f Dionyfus.'\ The eleventh of the Ptolemies ; the em-- 
peror Antoninus mentions him. Book viii. c. zz. 


112 On C A L U M N y» 

With Alexander the Great, the moft heinous 
of all crimes was, not to adore and worfliip 
Hephasftion : fo fond was he of his friend af- 
ter death, that to other inftances of magnificence 
he would add that ot making with his own hand 
a deity of a "^ deceafed mortal. Several cities 
did accordingly, therefore, ercdt temples and 
altars, confecrate groves, offer facrifices, and 
appoint feftivals in honour of the new god : 
the moft folemn oath which a man could fwear 
by, was the name of Hephasftion ; if any one 
had fo little religion in him as to fneer at all 
this, his punifliment was death; the flatterers, 
laying hold of this childifh whim of Alexan- 
der's, blew up and increafed the flame, told of 
dreams that were fent by him, talked of his ap- 
pearing to them, and healing their diftempers, 
produced oracles delivered by him, and at 
length facrificed to him as to the ever-prefent 
god, the deliverer from every evil. Alexander 
was fo delisihted with this as to believe everv 
thing that was faid, and to congratulate himfelf 
that he was not only the fon of a god, but that 
he could make gods of others. How many 
friends of Alexander muft we fuppofe there were 

* Deceafed mortal.'] Concerning this deification of He- 
phsftion, fee Arrian, Quintus Curtius, and ?!utarch's Life 
of Alexander^ 


On calumny. 113 

at that time who fuffered for the divinity of 
Heph^ftion, when they were calumniated for 
not worfhipping this univerfal deity, and for 
that reafon only were deprived of the royal fa- 
vour I 

Agathocles, the Samian, a general of Alex- 
ander's, and in high efleem with him, was 
notwithftanding very near being Ihut up with a 
lion, having been accufed of -f- ihedding tears 
as he pafled the tomb of Hephseftion ; but Per- 
diccas, we are told, came feafonably to his re- 
lief, and fwore by all the gods, not forgetting 
Hephzeftion himfelf, that the new deity appear- 
ed to him one day as he was hunting, and com- 
manded him to tell Alexander that he muft par- 
don Agathocles, who had wept, not becaufe 
he wanted faith, or confidered him as a dead 
mortal, but merely from the remembrance of 
their paft friendlhip. Thus calumny and adu- 
lation, we fee, worked more powerfully on 
Alexander when they fell in with his ruling 
paffions; for as in a fiCge the enemy never at- 
tack the ftrong, guarded, and inaccefiible places, 
but if they find any part that is weak, low, and 
ill-defended, by which they may eafily get into 

f Shedding tears.] As lamenting his death, which cer- 
tainly was nothing let's than difputing his divinity. 

Vol.. J.V. 1 and 

H4 On C A L U M N Y, 

and take the clt}'^, exert all their force aga'iRft 
that, and that only ; in like manner does the 
calumniator, when he difcovers the weak and 
corrupt part of the foul, which may be eafily 
conquered, dired: all his engines againft that, 
and foon takes it, before the prifoner can refift, 
or even know ot the attack upon him : when 
he is once within the wails, he burns, deftroys, 
and lays wafte every thing, as muft naturally 
happen when the mind is totally fubdued and 
reduced to llavery. 

The inftruments which he generally makes 
ufe of againft the abfent are fraud, lying, per- 
jury, impudence, importunity, and a thoufund 
others ; but the moft neceflary of all is flattery, 
the relation, or rather lifter of Calumny ; for 
fcarce lives there a man fo noble-minded, or 
whofe breaft is fo fortified with adamant as, to 
reftft the powers of adulation, which work under 
ground, and prepare for every fpecies of evil- 

Such are the external means; within, the 
enemy is aflifted by treacheries of various kinds, 
that open the gates, and take in the deceived 
and betrayed hearer ; and, above all, that ^ love 


* Love of novelty. '\ A weaknefs for which the Greeks, 
and particularly the Athenians, were always dillinguiflied. 

" All 

On calumny. 115 

of Rovelty, which is natural to all mankind, 
joined to the difguft arifing from fatiety, and 
a paffion for the marvellous and incredible: 
add to this, that we are all fond, I know not 
why, of liftening to private fufpicions that are 
whifpered to us. I know many whofe ears 
itched with Calumny as if they were tickled 
with a feather. No wonder that with fuch 
afliftance Ihe conquers all, efpecially where there 
is none to oppofe or refill her ; when he who 
hears the flander voluntarily refigns himfelf up 
to ir, and be who is flandered knows not of 
the fnares that are laid againft him. The -f- ca- 
lumniated, like a city taken by night, are llain 
in their lleep. 

But what is flill more diftrefsful is, that the 
poor man knowing nothing of the matter, and 
confcious of his own innocence, goes to his 
friend with a chearful countenance, talks with, 
and behaves as ufual to him, little aware that 
he is, all the while, miferably circumvented and 
betrayed. If the friend has a real efleem for 
him, and is, withal, liberal-minded, and of 

*' All the Athenians (fays the Scripture), fpent their 
time in nothing elfe, but either to tell or to hear fome new 
thing." Arts, ch. xvii. ver. 21. 

f Catumniatecl.'] Nothing can be more jufl or elegant 
than this coinparifon. 

* 2 a gene- 

Ii6 On calumny. 

a generous difpofitlon, he immediately pours 
forth his anger and refentment, but at length 
admits his defence, and difcovers that he was 
unjuftly incenfed againil him. But if, on the 
other hand, he has a mean and narrow foul, 
he will hear him, perhaps, and fmile, as if he 
approved ; but, at the fame time, gnafh with 
his teeth, and inwardly hate and deteft him ; 
burying his anger, as the * poet fays, deep in 
his breaft. Nothing, at the fame time, can 
be more bafe or unjuft than to bite the lip, 
nourifh fecret refentment, and keep our hatred 
thus Ihut up within, to -f think one thing and 
fay another, to play the hypocrite, and under 
a comic maik to ad a tragic part full of death 
and horror. 

And this generally happens when the calum- 
niator has been formerly the friend of him 
whom he accufes ; then they will not fuffer 
the man even to fpeak or defend himfelf, be- 
caufe, they imagine, from the accufer's long fa- 

* Js the poet.'\ Homer. See Odyffey, A. 1. 646. 
f Think one thing, ^c.'] Alluding to thofe lines in Ho- 
mer in the ninth book of the Iliad, thus (badly enough,) 
traiillated by Pope. 

Who dares think one thing, and another tell. 
My foul detefls him as the gates of hell. 

See Pope's Horn. II. b. ix. 1. 412, 


On calumny. n; 

miHarity with him, that the accufation muft 
be founded on truth ; not confidering, that 
amongft the greateft friends, caufes of quarrel 
and feparation may arife unknown to others. 
Sometimes a man will acciife another of that 
crime which he is, himfelf, guilty of, the bet- 
ter to avoid all fufpicion of ir. Nobody, for 
the moft part, ventures to flander an avowed 
enemy; fo that Calumny feldom meets with 
credit, which has fo vifible and manifcft a caufe: 
it is always the feeming friend who attacks, 
who thus fhews his extraordinary regard for the 
hearer, as to his intereft and advantage^ he 
facrifices his beft and deareft friend, i have 
even known fome, who, on difcovering that 
their friends had been unjuftly accufed, have 
been fo afhamed of their own credulity, that 
they would never look upon, or admit them 
again, entirely breaking off with them, as if 
they had done them an injury, by proving 
their innocence. 

Thus, by giving ear to Calumny without 
trial or examination, is human life fubjed;to in- 
numerable calamities. J Ant^a, we know, 
cried out to Prstus, 

t See Homer's Iliad, Z. I. 164. Pope has entirely omit- 
ted thele two lines in his tranllation. 

I 3 Of 

ii8 On C A L U M N Y. 

Or die thyfelf, or lake thy rival's life, 
Bellerophon, who tempts thy faithful wife. 

After fhe had, herfelf, put his virtue to tl->e trial, 
and been repulfed : whilft the young man was 
very near being deftroyed by the Chimera, and 
the reward of his honour and chaftity was, to 
be calumniated by a loofe and abandoned wo- 
man. In like manner did Phaedra alfo accufe 
the innocent Hippolytus, and make him odi- 
ous in the fight of his father, though he had 
done nothing wicked or reprehenfible. 

But fomctimes it will be faid, the calum- 
niator is worthy of credit and ftiould be at- 
tended to, when he is, in other refpeds, a 
man of charader, juftice, and wifdom ; we 
ought to liften to thofe, who are, themfelves, 
incapable of doing evil. But, who was more 
jufl than Aridides ? and yet even he confpired 
againft Themiftocles, and llirrcd up the people 
againft him, urged by the fame popular ambi- 
tion as his rival whom he perfecuted. Ari- 
llides, compared with others, might deferve the 
nameof-^Juft, but Ariftides was ftill a man, 
harboured anger and refentment, and loved and 

* Jrijlides.'] Surnamed the Juft. See Plutarch's life of 
him, where this affertion of Luclan's is flatly contradit'^ed ; 
and yet, if it were not fo, my author muft be guilty himfclf 
of the very vice he is declaiming againft. 


On calumny, 119 

hated like other men. Palamedes, if we give 
credit to what is reported of him, though one 
of the wifeft of the Greeks, nnd in other re- 
fpedts the beft of men, was deteded of a bafe 
and malicious defign againft a near | relation 
and friend, who had accompanied him in his 
dangerous voyage. So natural is it to all man- 
kind to err in this particular. 

What Ihall we fay of Socrates, who was un - 
juftly accufed to the Athenians of impiety and 
defigns againft the flate ? or of Themiflocles 
and Miltiades, who, after fo many glorious 
viiftories, were calumniated as betrayers of their 
country ? with innumerable other examples, 
moil of them too well known to be difputed, 
or called in queftion. 

How then is a wife man to ad, when doubts 
arife concerning truth and virtue ? that, no 
doubt, which Homer intimates to us in his 
fable of the Syrens, when he commands them 
to pafs by thofe dangerous pleafing deceivers, 
and lliut their ears againft them ; to appoint 
reafon as our watchful door-keeper, to mark 
every thing that is laid, to admit what is wor- 

t Relation.] He rnvifc mean UlylFes, though, how they 
were related, does not appear. According to Homer, who 
mentions nothing of this malicious defign, Ulyfles was 
much more to blame than Palamedes. 

1 4 thy 

120 On calumny. 

thy to be admitted, to keep out and expel that 
which is bad and unworthy : for how abfurd is 
it, to fet door-keepers at our houfes, and, at 
the fame time, leave our ears and our hearts 
open to every intruder ! 

When fuch things, therefore, are faid, we 
ought, ourfelves, carefully to examine into the 
fad:, without regard to the age, the charader, 
or the enticing eloquence, for fuch we often 
meet with, of the informer : the more fpecious 
he appears, the more ftrid: fhould be our in- 
quiry. We muft not, therefore, always give 
credit to the judgment, or rather the prejudice 
of the accufer, but referve to ourfelves an ex- 
amination into the truth, giving back to the 
calumniator all his envy and hatred, bringing 
into open day-light the real merit of every one, 
and at length bellowing our love or hatred ac- 
cording to it. To do otherwife is mean, child- 
ifh, and difhoneft. 

But the caufe of all, as I faid in the begin- 
ning, is our ignorance, and becaufe the true 
charadiers of men lay hid in darknefs. Would 
to heaven fome god would open all our hearts ! 
then would the light of truth irradiate every 
objedt, and calumny, driven to the deep abyfs, 
no longer find an habitation amongft the fons 

of men. 

A P O. 


The Title in the Original, which for Reafons fuffi- 
ciently obvious, I have changed to Apophras, is 
Pfeudologifta, five De Die nefaflo, or the 
Unlucky Day, to which is added^ againjl Ti- 


TiMARCHus was, it feemSy a low fcurrilous 
Writer, who, having himfelf no Chara^er to lofe, 
abufed and reviled all the Men of Genius and 
Learning in his Time ; but having unfortunately 
attacked Luc i an, and found fault with him for 
ufing the word Apophras, is here treated by our 
Author with that Severity which Ignorance and. 
Impudence fo well deferve. Luc i an, who, like 
other eminent Greek Writers^ valued himfelf on 
Jpeaking and writing with Accuracy and Pre- 
cifion, defends the Propriety and Application of 
his Word with great Warmth and Serioufnefs \ and 
then takes the Opportunity of laying open the Cha- 
ra£fer of his Adverfary, with a Degree of Acri- 
mony y which he feldom makes ufe of on any other 

THAT you did not know the meaning of 
the word Apophras is but too plain; 
otherwife you would never have accufed me of 


3122 A r O P H H A s,. 

Barbarifm, for comparing you to it, if you had 
n-aderftood the term properly ; I will tell you 
by and by what it fignifies ; at prefent let it 
fufEce to fay, you have taken a * cricket by 
the wing, to Ipcak in the words of f Archi- 
lochus, a certain iambic poet, whom you may 
have h-eard of, a Parian by birth, and a man of 
noble fpirit, who lalhed feverely all thofe that 
fell, within the reach of his keen fatire. He 
told a certain perfon who had abufed him, that 
he had taken a cricket by the wing, comparing 
himfelf to that flirill creature, who, if you touch 
his wing, cries out moft vehemently. And 
how could you, faid Archilochus to him, be 
fuch a fool as in like manner to provoke a prat- 
ing poet, and furnilh matter for his cutting 
iambics ? Juft the fame may I fay to you ; not 
that I mean to put myfelf on a level with Archi- 
lochus, whom I am infinitely beneath, but only 
to acquaint you, that I know a thoufand vile 
things of you, that well deferve the fevcreft 

* A crkhf^ t^c.'\ Greek, Imiya. ra Tritpw avtuMtpoi-'.' 
The crickets, or grafsboppers of thofe days uled, we may 
ftippofe, not only to cry out, but to bite hard on thelc 
©ccafions. Ti>x ])voverb anfwers to ours of " Taking a 
bear by the tooth." 

■\ Archilochus.'] A fatiric poet, famous for the keennefs of 
his. iambics. 


A P O P H R A S. 123 

Iambics : even fuch, as but to paint one of 
thera, would be too hard a tafk for Archilof- 
chus, with Simonides and * Hipponax to affifl 
him : as a fubjed: for fatire, •f- Orod^cides, 
Lycambes, and Bupalus, are but boys to you. 
Surely fome malicious dsemon mult have taught 
you thus to laugh at my ignorance, and ex- 
pofe your own, by proving yourfelf a ftranger 
even to the moft common things which every 
body is acquainted with, and fubjedting yourfelf 
to the ridicule of a free-fpeaker, as I am ; one 
who knows you fo intimately, and is not afraid 
of divulging it, but rather would wifh to pro- 
claim publicly every thing you have done, and 
every thing you are ftill doing, from morning 
to night. Vain, however, and fuperfluous will 
be the taik, to fchool you as one would do a 
man of an ingenuous and liberal mind, fince 
you will never be the better for reproof; but, 

* Htpponax,'\ This dreadful fatirift, who it fceins was 
the Churchill of his age, wrote fomething fo fevere againfl 
a painter that, we are told, he took it to heart, and hanged 

•j- QrodacideSy l^c'\ 

Qualis Lycambae fpretis iniido gener 

Aut acer hoftis Bupalo. Hor. Epod. vi. 


124 A P O P H R A S. 

like the * beetle, flill continue to wallow in 
the jBlth you are ufed to : every body knows 
what you are, and how long you have been fo. 
You have not finned fo fecretly, nor fo fecurely, 
but that all may eafily difcover the afs, without 
taking off the lion's fkin ; and he muil come 
-far -f- north, indeed, or be a perfed: ]; Cumsean, 
who does not find you out before you bray. 
The public, as well as myfelf, is too well ac- 
quainted with your life and manners : your cha- 
rafter is worfe than that of § Ariphrades, i| Mif- 
thon the Sybarite, or even ^f Badas the Chian, 
fo famous for vices of the fame kind. Trite, 

* Beetle.'] Greek, y.xvSa-ooi, fcarabsus, which the ancients 
looked upon as impiirum animal. 

Non raurus non muluserit, non hippocamelus, 
Non caper aut arles, led fcarabaeus erit. 

Aufon. Enig. Ixx. 

•f Far north] Greek, Eijx>jT4j«p« e| ^TrE^fo^ewf, nifi quis 
forte ex Hyperboreis. 

+ Cum^ean.] The natives of Cums were reckoned, like 
the ancient Boeotians, and the modern Dutch, rather in- 
clined to ftupidity. — Hence the proverb, " Sero fapiunt 
Cumani." See Enafm. Prov. 

§ Ariphrades.] An infemous fellow, mentioned by 
Ariftophanes in his comedy of the Knights. 

ii Mifthon.\ See Ovid. Trift. ii. 417. 

^ BaJIas.] Another rafcal of the fame flamp, but not 
made honourable mention of, as 1 remember, by any other 
ancient author. 


A P -O P H R A S. 125 

however, and obfolete as the fubjedt is, I can- 
not pafs it over, left I alone Ihould be blamed 
for beino- ignorant of what is known to all the 
world befide. 

But, fuppofe I call in to my aid, ^ Elen- 
chus, one of Menander's Prologifers, that 
friend to truth and liberty, one of the beft that 
comes upon the ftage, an avowed enemy to 
fuch as you and you alone, who are afraid of 
him, becaufe he knows every thing about you, 
and can tell it with eloquence and grace : if he 
would come and explain the whole ftory to the 
fpedtators, nothing could be more delightful. 
Approach then, Elenchus, thou beft of pro- 
logues and of deities; obferve, you are talk- 
ing to thofe who come not with minds preju- 
diced by hatred and animofity, who come not, 
as they fay, with unwaftied feet, to fuch as mean 
to refent their own injuries, and, at the fame 
time, revenge the public caufe, by profecuting 
^ rafcal. When you have done this properly, 
you may depart, and leave the reft to me, for 
I mean to follow your example. There are 

• Eknchus.'l Greek, 'EXiyxoqy Conviction. See Lucian's 
Fiflierman. In the tragments ot Menander we have, 

" The god Elenchus, friend to truth and freedona.'" 


125 A P O P H R A S. 

fome things, indeed, my dear Elenchus, which 
it will better become me to fay, than yourfelf, 
as it is not fitting for a god to be bufied in fuch 
dirty matters. 

The Prologue, then, begins thus : 
A certain fophift came one day to the Olym- 
pic games, to repeat an | oration written long 
ago ; the fubjeft was Pythagoras, whom the 
Athenians had excluded from the Eleufinian 
rites, as a Barbarian, for faying he had for- 
merly been Euphorbus. The fpeech was an 
old one, and made up like ^fop's jack- daw, 
with many feathers of other birds ; and yet he 
would have us believe it was an extempore one : 
and he had before dcfired one of his friends, 
(a cunning fellow, and verfed in thefe things,) 
to chufe Pythagoras for the fubjeft ; the man 
did fo, and begged the audience would liften 
to the oration. The pains which he took in 

■f Oration.] Thefe extempore orations were, it (hould 
ieeni, a kind of public exercife, not unlike our college de- 
clamations, fuppofed to be fpoken extempore, immediately 
after the fubjedt was given out, of which, notwithlknding, 
as here intimated, the fpeakers had private notice, and 
conlequently were prepared accordingly, fome, with new 
fpeeches made by themfelves, and others, like Timarchus, 
with old ones ready cut and dried, which ferved tor theoc- 
cafion. The certain Sophifl, mentioned by Lucian, is un- 
doubtedly Timarchus, agaiuft whom this whole piece is 



A P O P H R A S. 127 

connedling the feveral parts, plainly Ihewcdthat 
it had been long fince planned and writt-en ; 
though his impudence helped him out greatly, 
and gave force to his adion, and favoured the 
deceit: mean time, the audience laughed hearti- 
ly, fome looked towards his friend, as much 
as to fay, they knew he was privy to the im- 
poilure ; others, who perceived what he was 
about, were employed in recolled:ing, one for 
the other, the paffages from the fevcral fop hi lis 
who had declaimed in former times. Amon^'ll 
the laughers was the * pcrfon who writes this, 
and who fmiled, as well he might, at fuck 
amazing impudence; and, as the other, in a 
foft voice, was chaunting what he called a 
Threnodium of Pythagoras, burft into a loud 
laugh, at feeing an afs thus attempting to thrum 
the lyre; the linger turning round, obferved 
him, and this brought on a quarrel between 

It was now the beginning of the year, or, 
to fpeak more properly, the f third day from 

• Per/on.] Lucian.— The caufe of the quarrel, anti the 
manner of it, a'e here fully related. The word objeded to 
by Timarchus wa^, we fee, well introduced by Lucian, 
and happily applied. 

t T/jIrJ Jay.] Of the nour,w^, or facred Corinthian 
month, the fctme with the Athenian Boedromion ; on the 
twelfth of this month the Nemsan games were celchriited. 


128 A P O P H R A S. 

the great calends, when the Romans, accord- 
ing to ancient cuftom, as prefcribed by Numa, 
offer facrifice and prayers for the whole year, 
and believe, that the gods on that day, will be 
always propitious to them. At this time It 
was, that our friend, who had laughed fo 
heartily at this falfe Pythagoras, and who well 
knew how infamous a fellow he was, turning to 
an acquaintance, cried out, " Let us get out of 
the company of this vile adtor, who prophanes 
our meeting, and turns our bcfl of days Into 
an apophras, or unlucky one." Upon which, 
our fophilt hearing the word Apophras, began 
to ridicule it as a foreign phrafe, and unknown 
to the Greeks ; " What, fays he, can this 
Apophras be ? is it a fruit, or an herb, or a 
veffcl, or fomething to eat or drink ? for I 
have never heard of It before, nor do I under- 
ftand what he can mean by it." Thus did he 
continue to ridicule and abufe our Apophras, 
not aware, that, in fo doing, he only expofed 
himfelf. My poet has, for that purpofe, wrote 
this book and lent me to you, to prove this 
noble fophift knows nothing even of what every 
illiterate tradefman in Greece is thoroughly ac- 
quainted with. 

Thus far Elcnchus ; the rell of the fable be- 
longs to me, and I can, myfclf, proclaim with 


A P O P H R A S. 129 

no lefs truth than the Delphic tripod, all your 
adtions : I can fpeak from my own knovvlege, 
of what you. have done in your own country, in 
Palaeftine and in -^gypt, in Syria and Phoeni- 
cia, in Greece and in Italy, and, above all, 
what you' are now doing at Ephefus, -which 
crowns all your follies. 

But, firft, let us have a word or two about 
this fame Apophras ; by Venus *,. Vulgivaga, 
Genetricula, and Cybebe, let me intreat thee to 
inform us what there is in the term (o worthy 
of ridicule or cenfure : he is no Grecian, you 
are fure, but a foreigner, ftrayed hither out of 
Gaul, Scythia, or Thrace; you, therefore, like 
a true Athenian, have entirely baniflied and ex- 
tirpated him ; and 1 mull be laughed at, and 
fent out of the country, for talking like a barba- 
rian : but thofe who know thefe things much 
better than you, fay he, is a true Athenian ; 
and that you could as foon convince us that Ce- 
crops and Ere<flheus were foreigners and bar- 
barians, as prove that Apophras is not a native 

Venus, l3c.'\ Gr. Hu.v'^YiyLii, ncn yiv.rv'i-Mwc, hva y.vQrjCrjq, 
De£E prafides generationis. Memoratur Cybebe propter ejus 
amorem erga Attin, & quia la'civiffima t'ertur fuiile. To 
the unlearned reader, it is fufficient to fay, that Lucian, 
in compliment to Timarchus, iupplicates him in the name 
of a Drury-lane Venus. 

Vol. IV. K and 


and inhabitant of Attica. There are many 
things, indeed, which the Athenians call by the 
fame name as other people do ; but the term 
Apophras, to exprefs a black or unfortunate 
day, a day refembling you, is peculiar to them- 
felves. Thus have you at laft, learned, as it 
were, by chance, what they meant by Apo- 
phras, which always fignified with them, a day 
when the magiftrates would not adr, when no 
court bufinefs was tranfadted, no religious cere- 
monies performed, when nothing, in fhort, 
could be done with any hopes of fuccefs ; fuch 
a day was always called Apophras ; perhaps, 
becaufe, on fuch a day, they had been overcome 
in battle, and, for that reafon, it was ever af- 
ter considered as unfortunate, or ill-omen*d, on 
which nothing fhould be attempted : but this 
alone, you will fay, I was ignorant of, though 
I know every thing elfe : but the truth is, my 
friend, to be ignorant ot any thing elfe that was 
out of the common way, might be excufable, 
but this you could not poffibly call by another 
name, as it is the only one it ever went by : 
fome things we call by their ancient and proper 
names, and fome we do not, that we may not 
wound the ears of the vulgar, and fpeak a lan- 
guage they do not underftand. When I talked 


A P O P H R A S. 131 

to you, for inflance, I fhould have made ufe of 
the Paphlagonian, Cappadoclan, or Badrian 
language, to make myfelf either intelligible or 
agreeable ; though to Grecians I would fpeak 
Greek. The Athenians have, at different times, 
made feveral alterations in their language, but 
this phrafe has always remained amongft them, 
and has been ufed in that fenfe, and in that onl}^, 
by every body. I could quote a number of thofe 
who made ufe of it in former times, but that I 
would not trouble you with a lift of poets, ora- 
tors, and hiftorians, whom you know nothing 
of : 1 need not mention who they are, for eve- 
ry body elfe is well acquainted with them : if 
you can ftiew me one of them, who has not, I 
will put up a ftatue of you at ^ Olympia. 
He indeed, who knows not this, cannot tell, 
I fuppofe, whether Athens is a city in Attica, 
Corinth in the Ifthmus, or Sparta in Pelopon- 

But you will fay, perhaps, you know the 
name well enough, but only found fault with 
the wrong application of it; we will take it 

* Olympia.^ The greateft honour which mere mortals 
could ever arrive at. To fay a man Ihould have this, 
became by degrees a kind of proverbial expreffion. — Like, 
do this, 

— -— et eris mihl magnus Apollo. 

K 2 up 

132 A P O P H R A S. 

up then on this ground, and obferve, unlefs, 
perhaps, you think it no difgrace to be con- 
vidted of univerfal ignorance, how I will con- 
fute you. If our ancefiors pradtifed the fame 
method as I did, (for in every age there were im- 
pious and abominable fellows like yourfelf,) if 
one man is called Cothurnus becaufe he is like 
a bufkin, another -f- Lups becaufe he makes a 
noife and diflurbs the aflembly, another Heb- 
domas becaufe he laughs and plays at a public 
meeting, like boys on the ;j: feventh day of the 
month, why may not I, alfo, if I pleafe, com- 
pare a wretch flained with every vice, to an in-. 
aufpicious and unfortunate day ? 

If we meet a man, efpecially when we firfl 
go out in the morning, who is lame in his 

f Lupa.'\ Concerning the exad lignification of the Greek 
word Aviru-nv, here made ufe of, the learned commentators 
are much divided : fome are of opinion it was originally 
written Aviram, quali, Av^cx.ii(; ais/^o?, a ftormy wind, to 
which a turbulent orator may properly be compared. Others 
tell us that Avacc-nv is a corruption by the tranfcribers of 
Avaaav, furoris genus, a kind of madnefs, (which is rather 
the more probable conjedlure) ; the Latin tranflator, there- 
fore interprets it rabiem. It may fuffice, howe\'^er, for the 
Englilh reader to know, that lufla fignifies fomething noify 
and violent. 

X Seventh tiay,'\ Greek, ES^of/z/jf. The feventh day of 
every month was obferved as a fellival, or kind of holi- 
day, facred, we are told, to Apollo, who was born on the 
feventh of the month Thurgalion. 



right foot, or if we come acrofs an eunuch, or 
a monkey, we turn home again as fafl as we 
can, forefeeing that we can never be profperous 
on that day after fuch bad omens : and in like 
manner, at our firfl going out in the morning 
as it were of the year, if we meet a pathic, 
doing and fullering every thing that is bafe and 
infamous, one whom even his own depen- 
dents know to be, though they do not call him 
fo, an impoflor, a chear,and a falfe-fwearer, 
fliould we not fly from him as a peft, a pit- 
hole, or a dungeon ? Might we not very pro- 
perly compare him to an unlucky day ? 

And are not you that very man ? You will 
not, I fuppofe, deny, for you glory in it : you 
are infamous, and every body confiders you as 
fuch ; if you were to deny it who would believe 
you ? Would your own fellow-citizens ? (for 
thofe we fhould alk firfl,) they have known you 
from your youth upwards, they remember your 
connexion with that vile foldier, who did what 
he pleafed with you, and then threw you off, 
like an old tattered garment, to ihift for your- 
felf. They remember, too, your Ihewingyour- 
felf a brave youth at the head of a company of 
comedians, and playing the part of the pro- 
logue, when drefled in a fine habit, with golden 
flippers,, and a gailand in your hand, you were 
K 3 fent 

134 A P O P H R A S. 

fent on the ftage to intreat the favour of the au- 
dience, and met with prodigious applaufe; 
though now it feems you are an orator and a 
fophift; when they hear this they will fancy, as 
they do in the * tragedy, and well indeed they 
may, that they fee two funs, and a double 
Thebes, and cry out immediately, is this he ? 
what will he be hereafter ? but you very pru- 
dently withdrew yourfelf from your friends, 
and from your country alfo, though undoubt- 
edly the fineft fpot in all Phoenicia. You do 
not chufe any connexion with people who can 
remember and put you in mind of paft times ; 
and yet what (hould you be afraid of? I am 
told you have very large pofleffions amongft 
them, and a little tower of your own, fo capa- 
cious, that Diogens's tub is the throne of Jove 
in compaiifon with it ; in flioi t, you will never 
perfuade your fellow-citizens to look upon you 
in [any other light than as one of the vileft of 
men, and a difgrace to your country. I could 
bring, perhaps, more teflimony from Syria 
againft you ; Antioch was a witnefs of your 
behaviour to the young woman you ran away 

* Trageqy.'\ See Eurip. Bacch. v. 915. 

Etlblem geminum, et dupliccs fe oftendere Thebas. 

Virg. ^En. Iv. v. 470. 
See alfo Dryden's Oedipus. 


A P O P H R A S. 135 

with from Tarfus : but thefe are things which 
I blufh to enter into, there were too many there 
who faw you : thefe are circumftances which I 
fuppofe you have totally forgot. The -Egyp- 
tians, whom after all your exploits in Syria 
you fled for fhelter to, when you were purfued 
by the taylors, that had lent you fine cloaths, 
which you fold by the way to pay your charges, 
they alfo are no ftrangers to your charafter : but 
know you full as well : nor fee I any reafon why 
Alexandria fhould yield to Antioch in this 
refped: ; your debauchery, indeed, was there 
ftill more open, your behaviour more infamous, 
and bare-faced. One perfon, and one only, 
believed you innocent, took your word for it, 
and fupported you, a Roman of the fiifl diftinc- 
tion, I need not mention his name, as every 
body knows whom I mean, nor what he fuffer- 
ed from his connetftion with you; when he 
found you in a certain fituation with a certain 
perfon, what think you was his opinion ; did 
he believe you to be innocent when he caught 
you in the very fa(fl ? he jcould not, unlefs he 
had been blind ; but he fhewed what he thought 
of you, by turning you out of doors, and when 
you were gone out of his houfe, they fay, took 
care to have it purified after fuch pollution. 
Achaia and all Italy is full of your noble 
K 4 deeds. 

'136 , A P O P H R A S, 

deeds, and the renown you have acquired by 
them: may you reap the fruits of it! I can 
only fajs which is mofl indifputable, that thofe 
who now wonder at what you do in EphefuSy 
ivill v/onder no longer, whcn'they hear what you 
have done before : v/ith regard to women, I 
find you have learned fomething new. '. -_^ 

And does not fuch a man deferve the .name 
of Apophras ? But what can you mean, after 
all 3^our iniquities, by offering to fidute us, efpe- 
cially thofe who know you, and who have had 
enough from your mouth already, your rough 
voice, barbarous phrafes, every thing, infliort, ■ 
that is diffonant, uncouth, and inharmonious ; 
but from a kifs, above all, heaven defend us \ 
rather would 1 have one from a viper or a fcor- 
pion ; from them we might cxpedt a bite or 
pain, which, perhaps, a phyfician could re- 
move; but from the poifon of thy kiffes, what 
altar, or what temple' fhould ever fave us ? 
After fuch infection, what god would liflen to 
our prayers ? How many fprinklings, and ab- 
lutions, how many' rivers would be neceffary to 
wafh away the flain ? 

How can fuch a fellow as you pretend to 
laugh at the language of others ? For my own 
part, fo far from denying that I made ufe of 


A P O P H R A S. 137 

the word Apophras, I Ihould be afliamed of 
not being intimately "acquainted with it ; but 
when you talk of * fyllable-meafurers, and 
word-crackers, of people that are trifling-man- 
ner'd, when, inftead of faying you want to go 
to Athens, you tell us that you Athenize, that 
fuch a man is flower-crowned, arid the like, 
nobody is to find fault with you. Mer:cury 
■ make an end of thee and thy words together! 
fay I, for where, in the name of Fortune, 
couldeft- thou pick them up ? From the works 
of fome -f-, lalemus, I fuppofe, in fome dirty 
corner, full of ruil and fpiders ; or, perhaps, 
from the tablets of Phil^nisj which you always 
have by you, and which may come very pro- 
perly from fuch a mouth as your's. And, now 
I talk of that, what if your tongue fliould call 
you to account, and thus reproach you for the 
injuries you have done to it ! "1 took thee up ^ 

* Syllahle-mea/urers, f f.] The epithets and expreffions 
here alluded to, are probably thofe which Timarchus made 
ufe of in the fpeech above hinted at, as mentioned by Elen- 

f lakmusJ] A famous, or rather infamous poet, diftin- 
guifhed by the badnefs of his verfes ; whence, Jalemo fri- 
gidior, more frigid than lalemus, pafled into a proverbial 
expreffion ; and the word taAf/*??, turned into an adjeftive, 
according to Hefychius, fignifies llupid, dull, unhappy, 
or good for nothing. 


,58 A P O P H R A S. 

(it might fay), thou ungrateful wretch, poor 
and miferable, without bread to eat, and taught 
thee to flourifli upon the flage, made thee a Ni- 
nus, aMetiochus, and, moreover, an Achilles 
alfo ; did I not afterwards nourifh and fupport 
thee as a fyllable-monger, to teach fchool-boys ? 
have not I lately enabled thee to repeat other 
people's fpeeches, and become a fophift, ac- 
quiring honour and reputation which thou hadft 
no rii?ht to ? and doll thou now, after all, re- 
ward me thus, by employing me in the meanefl 
offices, in low and filthy converfation ? Was it 
not enough to make me every day tell lies for 
thee, vent falfe oaths, talk nonfenfe, and re- 
peat fo many ridiculous fpeeches ? and now thou 
wilt not fuft'er me to lie quiet even of nights, 
but force me to play the fool : forgetting I am 
a tongue, and making ufe of me as a hand, to 
do all thy dirty work for thee, treat me after 
all, like a Granger, and put a thoufand affronts 
upon me. My bufinefs is only to talk, and not 
to perform offices which other members were de- 
figned for by nature : would to heaven I were 
cut out, as Philomela's was ! for happier are 
even the tongues of thofe who have devoured 
their own children than I am." 


A P O P H R A S. 139 

Now, by the gods, if that fame tongue of 
thine Ihould fpeak for itfelf, and, calling in thy 
beard to its aid, Ihould thus addrefs thee, what 
anfwer couldeft thou make ? The fame, I fup- 
pofe, as you did to Glaucas, when he reproach- 
ed you for a certain crime, that by this means 
you would foon become confpicuous, and uni- 
verfally admired. You are, indeed, confpicu- 
ous enough j and to be talked of, be it in any 
manner whatfoever, is, no doubt, at leaft in 
your opinion, moft defireable. You might 
then tell him all the names you have gone by in 
your travels ; I marvel much, whilft you arc 
not offended at them, you fhould be fo angry 
with the appellation of poor Apophras. 

In Syria you were called Rhodo-Daphne, or 
the Laurel-Rofe ; for what reafon, (fo Pallas 
help me !) I blulh to mention ; in filence, there- 
fore, for mc, let it ever remain : in Palsftine 
you went by the name of the Briar, on account, 
I fuppofe, of the briftles in your beard ; for 
then you ufed to Ihave : in ^gypt they called 
you Quinfey, and properly enough, for you 
were very near being choaked by the failor who 
fet upon you. The Athenians, indeed, went 
no round about way to defcribe you, but only 
added one letter to your name, and called you 


140 A P O P H R A S. 

* A-Tjmarchus; you deferved, i«deed, fome 
little addition to that title. In Italy you ac- 
quired the heroic apj_>ellation^ pf a Cyclops, 
when you adted over again Homer's, /abulous 
hiftory, and lay, like another luftful Polypheme, 
with the cup in your hand ; whilft a youth, 
hired for the occafion, carrying a poiated fpear, 
played Ulylies, and ftruck at your ey€, 
•f- The javin err'd, but held its courfe along. 
Soon it 

i Crafh'd all his jaws, and left the tongue within, 
Till the bright point look'd out beneath the chin. 

You, Cyclops like, fuffered him to wound 
your cheek; or, like another Charybdis, look- 
ed as if you could have fwallowed him up, 
veffel, fails, mariners, and ail together (when 
one is talking of you, one muft rant a little) : 
numbers of people faw you in this condition ; 
and after all, in excufe for your frolic, you faid 
next day you were drunk, and made the wine 
your apology for it. 

* A-Ti!narchus'\ His name was Timarchus, and they 
called him A-Timarchus, quafi, Arii^m A^x"^, the Prince 
ofRafcals, a kind of pun in the original. The addition, 
which Lucian fays he wanted, was the uv. As puns are un- 
tranflateable, the mere Englifli reader cannot well fee the 
humour of this title. 

f Theja-jlin^ l3c.'\ See Homer's Iliad, A. 233. 

% Crajh'd^ ISc'l See Homer's Iliad, book v. 1. 3^4- 



With fo many, and fuch great names as 
th^fe belonging to you, why fhould you be 
afhamed of Apophras only ? How feel you, 
when even the common people fay you have 
got the * Lefbian and Phoenician diforder ? 
But, perhaps, you are ignorant of this too, or 
imagine that they mean to pay you a com- 
pliment by ir, or are thefe well known and fa- 
miliar to you, and Apophras alone blotted out 
of your catalogue ? I am fufficiently reveno-ed 
of you, even the women, it feems, know your 
character ; for, but the other day, when you 
wanted to get you a wife at Cyzicus, the wo- 
man, who was well acquainted with all your 
pranks, laid, '* I Ihall hardly take one for a 
hufband, who feems to want a hufband himfelf/* 

And after all this, do you pretend to criti- 
cife, and find fault with others ? but you cer- 
tainly have a right, for we can, none of us, talk 
like you : who would venture as you did, to aflc 
for a trident inftead of a fword, to kill three 
adulterers? or, when talking of Theopompus^s 
judgment of Tricaranus, would fay, he deftroyed 
the principal cities with a three-pointed oration, 

* Lejl)ian,'\ The Lefbians and Phoenicians were remark- 
ably guilty of a terrain horrid and unnatural crime, which 
the Greeks veiy properly ftyled a^^Ve^ /x.|i., a conneaion 
cot fie to be mentioued, and yet it was univerfally pradiJed, 


i4t A P O P H R A S. 

or that he had tridented Greece, and was a Cer- 
berus in language; with a hundered other 
abfurdities of this kind, which are not worth f 
repeating. * * * * * * 
What poverty might, perhaps, have driven 
you to, I fhall pafs over, nor would I reproach 
any body for it : if a man receives a certain de- 
pofit from a friend, and fhould afterwards, be- 
ing half-flarved, fwear that he never received 
it ; if he begs of one, borrows of another, fteals 
cloaths and fells them, I fay nothing, it would 
be cruel to rob a poor man of his bread ; but, 
for this fame poor man to fquander away the 
fruits of his difhoneft dealing in riot and de- 
bauchery, is intolerable. For one thing, in- 
deed, you merit feme praife, nor can I help 
admiring your ingenuity, when pradtifing 
the fame art as * Tifias, you pafTed for 
him, and j rooked old Corvus out of 

•f Repeathig.'] Two or three lines are here omitted, con- 
taining verbal criticifms on fome abfurd phrafes and ex- 
preffions made ufe of by Timarchus in his fpeech, which, 
as confined to the Greek language, and the pronunciation 
of it, could not be tranflated. 

* T!jjas.'\ One of the firft fophifts, as mentioned by 

Arif^Otle, 7r£^» i'Ksy)(u\i cro(pK; iy.uv, 

X Rooked.'] Tifias, who wrote a book on rhetoric, was a 
difciple of Corax, on which name a pun will be found in 
the original by the learned reader, which is not quite loll 
in the tranflation. 


A P O P H R A S. HS 

-j~ thirty aurei, who paid his five hundred and 
fifty drachmas with pleafure, for a book re- 
commended to him by fo renowned a fophift. 
I had a great deal more to fay, but fhall 
fpare you for the prefent, and only give you 
this advice : in your drunken frolics, do what 
you pleafe to yourfelf, but trouble me no more ; 
there is no being under the fame roof, or eat- 
ing and drinking with fuch fellows as you ; and, 
above all, let us have none of your kifles, 
which are rather what one may call Apophras, 
ill-omened, and unlucky : let me advife you 
withal, never more to perfume your bald pate ; 
if you are ill, you mull take care of your old 
body, but if not, what fignifies tampering with 
it for the vileft purpofes ; grey hairs are a bad 
cover for wickednefs and impurity, fpare them, 
I beg, and particularly your beard ; and when 
you practife your debaucheries, let it be by 
night, for in the day time it is favage, (hacking, 
and abominable. 

You fee, my friend, how much better it had 
been for you not to have * moved Camarina, 


f Thirty aurei.'] Which is the fame as five hundred and 
fifty drachmas. 

• Camarina.'\ A lake near the city of Camarina, in Sici- 
ly ; ia the time of drought the Ilench of this lake produced 

a pefti- 

144 A P O P H R A S. 

roufed a fleeping lion, or laugh'd at my Ap'o- 
phras, which may chance to render your whole 
life ill-omen'd and detefiable. But, perhaps, 
you ftill think I might have faid more, and I 
have more at your fervice ; as long as it is in 
my power, you fliall never want your reward ; 
fo infamous a proftitute as you, fhould not dare 
to look up at a man : but you will fay I talk 
in riddles to you, for you know not half the 
titles which your vile character has loaded you 
with : I would mention a few of them, but 
Apophras is already doubly and trebly reveng- 
ed of you ; you have deferved it all. And, as 
the celebrated -j-- Euripides fays. 

Vice, folly, ign 'ranee, and a iland'rous tongue, 
Still meet at lall with bitternefs and woe. 

a peftilence ; the inhabitants on this conlulted the oracle 
whether they iliould drain it : the oracle advifed them jxri 
xiviiv KuiJi.cifenni, not to remove Camarina ; the people not- 
withftanding drained the lake, and by that means opened 
a way for their enemies to come and plunder their city. 
Hence the proverb here alluded to, ne moveas Cama- 
rinam, do not touch or move Camarina, that is, do not 
remove one evil to bring on a greater. It has, pretty near- 
ly at lead: as here applied, the fame fenfe as the motto to 
the Thiflle, of, Noli me tangere. 
I Euripides.] See Bacch. v. 385. 

E N- 


It was cujiomary, in Lucian*j Time, for the 
Rhetoricians, or Orators by Trofejjion, to declaim 
on any given Subje^ at the Command of their 
Superiors, either in public or private ; and to 
this zve ?nay attribute the following Declama^ 
tion, in Praife of fome Houfe (whofe it was we 
know not), probably by, Defire of the Mafier and 
his Friends, before whom the Orator was tofJoew 
his Skill, by an extempore Speech on the Occafion. 
It is written, more efpecially the fitji Part of 
it, in a Kind of flowing meafured Profe, ap' 
proaching to Blank Ferfe, and much refembling 
the Style of Lord Shaftesbury. The whim- 
fical change of Perfons, and Luc i an'/ anfzvering 
himfelf in the latter Part of this little Piece, 
me cannot fo eafily account for. The whole, how- 
ever, isfingular and entertaining, particularly ijje 
Dejcription of the Pictures in the Conclufwn. hv- 
CI AN (for this Piece is undoubtedly his), had a 
warm and poetical Imagination, and fecms here 
more peculiarly to indulge it ; / have therefore 
adopted his Style, and endeavour d to give the 
Trari/lation that Glow of poetical Colouring zvhich 
the Reader of Tajte cannot fail to obfcrve and ad- 
mire in the Original. 

Vol. IV. L SO 


O O delightful did the charming Cydnus ap- 
wZ/ pear to Alexander, its ftream fo bright and 
pleafant, fo refrefhing in a hot fummer, though 
fwift not rapid, and though deep not dange- 
rous, that he could not refrain from bathing 
in it, nor would he deny himfelf the pleafure, 
though he contra<fted a diforder by indulging 
himfelf in it : and fliall not the fight of a noble 
palace, beautiful to the eye, light, chearful, 
and magnificent, Ihining with gold, and adorn- 
ed with the fineft pidures, infpire a man (efpe- 
cially an orator by profeiTion,) to diflinguilh 
himfelf by feme defcription of it, fome enco- 
mium on it, to make himfelf known, and, like 
his fubjed, to become confpicuous ? away with 
all fuch as only look over and admire without 
praiiing; to be filent is injurious; it looks like 
envy and ili-nature ; it ill becomes the man of 
tafte, who is fmitten with the love of all that is 
great and beautiful. It {hews a ftupid ruflici- 
ty, a difregard for merit, and a contempt of 
the Mufes themfelves, not to know that the 
learned and the unlearned coniider fpecftacles 
of this kind in very diflerent lights ; one is 
contented to look round, and lift up the hand 
with admiration, to gaze in filence at every 
thing, as if afraid, that all they could fay in 
praife of it, would be lefs than it deferved : 



whilft the other, who underflands that beauty 
which he admires, is not fatisfied with feafting 
his eyes alone, cannot bear to be a dumb fpec- 
tator, but will endeavour, with all his powers, 
to defcribe and point out the beauties of a fight 
fo noble and delio-htful. 

Nor is general praife alone fufficient ; like 
that of the * young man, vvho fo admired the 
palace of Menelaus, and compared its ivory 
and gold to the beauties of heaven, as he had 
feen nothing on earth that was equal to it. 
The bell way of praifing it, is to exert our 
eloquence in its favour on the very fpot, and 
before the moft approved judges ; and furely 
a beautiful houfe, filled with admirers of the 
building, is the fitteft place for fnch an encomi- 
um ; where the voice, as in caverns, is driven 
back, dwells on, as it were, with pleafure, 
and repeats what is faid in an elegant and mufe- 
like reiteration : as it often happens amongft 
the high and craggy rocks, where the found of 
the Ihepherd's pipe is reverberated. The vul- 
gar tell us, that Echo is a nymph who inhabits 
there, and anfwers the finger from her cave. 
The fubjedt, doubtlefs, mnft animate and in- 
fpire the fpeaker; its beauty pafles through 

* Tomig man.'\ See Homer'i Ctlvflev, A. 1, -i. 

L 2 the 


the eye into the foul, elevating and adorning 
the difcourfe. The fight of the armour, we 
know, ftirred up Achilles againfl: the Trojans, 
and when he tried them on, they gave wings 
to his courage, and roufcd him to the combat. 
And fhall not, in like manner, the beauty of 
this place, infpire an orator with eloquence to 
fing its praifes ? The fhade of beauteous plane- 
trees, the green turf, and clear fountains of 
Ilyffus, were propitious to the great Socrates ; 
there fported he with his Ph^drus, there con- 
futed Lyfias, there invited the Mufes to fol- 
low him to his retreat, and teach him to talk 
of love; nor did the old man blufh to call in 
virgins to affiit him : furely then, to a fpot fo 
charming as this, they '.vill come uninvited. 

We boaft not here of fhades and plane-trees 
only ; Ilyflbs we leave far behind us, and even 
the palace of the Perfian monarch, which was 
admirable only for its riches, v/ithout art, beau- 
ty, or proportion ; though fhining with gold 
and treafures, which the fpedtator beheld with 
envy, and the mafter was deemed happy to 
polTefs -, but it had no real merit : the Arfacidas 
never fludied the beautiful, nor cared whether 
the beholder was pleafed and fatisfied, they 
only wilhed to fee him ftruck with aftonilh- 



ment ; for the Barbarians confult finery and 
fhew, much more than elegance and beauty. 
But this charming manfion is ill-fuited to Bar- 
barian eyes, to Perfian pomp, or kingly pride ; 
it calls for the admiration of no vulgar fpedta- 
tor, but of the taileful and ingenious, who re- 
lies not on his fight, but on his judgment; it 
looks towards the early, which is, dcubtlefs, 
the moft beautiful part of the day, and fronts 
the riling fun, receiving at its open doors an 
abundance of light. Thus the ancients always 
built their temples. The length, breadth, and 
height of the apartments, are conflru6led in 
due and regular proportion ; the windows large, 
and difpofed according to the various feafons of 
the year, all admirably contrived, both for 
pieafure and convenience ; in the cieling are 
no fuperfluous ornaments, nothing can be found 
fault with ; the gold and decorations, not heap- 
ed on, but ufed with judgment and dilcretlon. 
Like a beautiful but modeft woman, who fets 
off her charms with a fmall necklace, a pretty 
ring on her finger, or ear-rings in her ears, a 
fiUet to bind her flowing hair, or a buckle to 
f:tften her zone ; thefe add grace to the form, as 
purple to a garment : whiltt harlots, efpecially 
if they are not over handfome, will have their 
garments all purple, and necklace all gold, to 
L 3 heighten 


heighten their charms, endeavouring to fupply 
their want of beauty b}' fomething external, that 
may attradl and delight; they think that arm 
muft be thought white, that is covered with 
gold ; and that the foot, which is not fo well 
made, may be well concealed by a golden flip- 
per ; and that the face itfelf will appear more 
agreeable, if their whole drefs is fplendid and 
magnificent. They always, therefore, adorn 
themfelves in this manner ; but the modeft and 
delicate fair one, makes ufe onlv of fo much 
gold and jewels as is neceffary and fufficient, 
nor will flie blufli to fhew her beauty naked 
and unadorned. In like manner, this houfe, 
which is beautiful in itfelf, has only fo much 
ornament as is necclTary and becomins;, inter- 
fperfed here and there : as the ifars appear in 
the heavens at proper diflances, for if the whole 
was one blaze of light, it would not be plcafing, 
but terrible to us ; even fo the gold here is not 
fuperfluous, or put on merely for fhew and 
finery, but fhines with a foft and pleafing fplen- 
dour, diffufing a rcdnefs over the whole; for 
when the light ftrikcs in upon the gold, the 
colours blend together, and form a kind of 
double day. The upper parts of this palace, 
are fuch, indeed, as call for the pen of Homer 



to defcribe them ; he, perhaps, would fay, * it 
was lofty — like the bed of Helen, or -j- like 
Olympus fplendid. — The pidures on the walls, 
and the other ornaments, the beauty of the 
colours, with the truth, accuracy, and judg- 
ment confpicuous throughout, might, perhaps, 
be properly compared to the firft appearance 
of the fpring, or a mead diverfified with flowers, 
were it not that thefe foon fade and decay, 
whilft this houfe is a perpetual fpring, an ever- 
lafling flower that never fades or decays ; the 
fight alone rcils on its fweets, but cannot defile 
or deftroy them. 

Who can help dwelling on fuch beauties with 
rapture, and endeavouring to celebrate them as 
they deferve ? for, that which we fee, it is a dif~ 
grace not to imitate ; the fight of what is truly 
excellent, brings with it a rhoufand incitements 
to the pradlice of equal perfeftion, not in man 
alone, but in every creature. The horfe bounds 
with more pleaiure over the loft plain, that 
yields to his foot, nor refifls his prefling hoof ; 
then does he put forth all his flrengtb, runs 
fwiftly on, and vies, as it were, with the earth 
he treads on, in beauty and perfedlion. In the 
early part of fpring, when the meadows are 

• // ivas^ ^i^"'] See Homer's Odyfley, A. 1. izi. 
f Like Olympus^ fe'c] See Iliad, A. 1. 532, 

L 4 green. 


green, and the flowers appear in their brightefl 
colours i the peacock fpreads his wings to the 
fun, briftles up his tail, difplays his flowers 
alfo, and feems to rival the field in beauty ; he 
Itruts round and round, admiring his own fplen- 
dour, whilft the light changes the colours,, 
and breaks them into various tints that blend 
with, and fucceed each other ; above all, in 
thofe beautiful circles which rife at the extremi- 
ty of his body, and reprefent the rainbow in 
every one of them i the leaf!: change of fitua- 
tion turns the brafs into gold, or gives the pur- 
ple, Vk'hen fhaded from the fun, a greenifli hue ; 
as the light varies, the feathers are varied alfo. 
How doth the fea, when it is fmooth and calm, 
attrad: and invite us ! he who has never been 
from land, and knows nothing of failing, wiflies 
to get on board, to quit the ibore, and launch 
into the ocean ; efpecially if he fees the fails fill- 
ed by propitious gales, and the vellel, with a 
foft and eafy motion, gliding through the waves. 
Thus, alfo, muft the beauty of this houfe ani- 
mate and infpire every orator who would wiih to 
celebrate and defcribc it : for that purpofe came 
I hither, attracted, as it were, by a Syren's 
voice, and flattering myfelf, that, however rude 
my fpeech hath hitherto been on fiich a fubjed, 



it win appear excellent; thus cloathed, it muft 
be handfome. 

But I am interrupted and contradicted, it 
feems, by another orator, a powerful one too, 
who fays, I am wrong in averting that the 
beauty of the houfe, adorned like this, with 
gold and pidiures, muft infpire the fpeaker 
with fuperior eloquence, for that the contrary 
to this might often happen ; but let him fpeak 
for himfelf, and prove, if he can, that the worfe 
and more contemptible the place is, the better 
it would be for the orator. As to myfelf, you 
have heard what I fa id, and 1 need not repeat 
it; I fliall be filent, therefore, and give place 
to him for a while, let him come forth and 
give you his opinion. 

* Thus, then, he beg^ins : 
The crater, noble judges, who lately ad- 
drefled you, has expatiated largely on the beau- 

* Thus then, l^c.'\ There is no way of accounting for 
this fudden and unexpeded change of perfons, but by fup- 
pofing that the orator, on thefe occafions, to (hew his dex- 
terity, after arguing on one hde, took up the other, to coq- 
vince his audience that, as Hudibras fays, he 

Cou'd iHll change fides, and ftill confute. 
Lucian, however, foon quitted the foolifli occupation of 
a rhetorician, and turned his genius towards that manly 
fatire for which he was afterwards fo eminently dillinguifh- 



ties of this houfe ; fo far am I from condem- 
ning him, that I only mean to fpeak of thofe 
things which he had omitted ; and to fhew, that 
the more agreeable he hath been, the more 
aflonilhing it is, and contrary to what might 
have been expedted. And iirfl, as he has men- 
tioned the ornaments which women make ufe 
of, their gold and jewels, permit me to make 
the fame comparifon : I aflert, that they not only 
never appear the handfomer for them, but that, 
on the other hand, men are fo ftruck with the 
iinery, that, in ftead of admiring their fine eyes, 
completion, necks, arms, or fingers, they ne- 
glc(ft them, and only look at the necklace, the 
emerald, or the cornelian ; infomuch, that the 
fair one has reafon to be angiy with her drefs, 
for preventing the fpedtators from praifing and 
admiring her. And the fame, I think, muR al- 
ways happen to him, who would fhew his elo- 
quence am.ongit great and magnificent objedfs ; 
whatever he fays, is lofi:, fwallowed up, and 
obfcured : it is like throwing a candle into the 
fire, or fhewing a pifmire before a camel or an 
elephant : an orator, therefore, fhould avoid it. 
Add to this, that the voice is buried in a large 
and fonorous building, which reverberates the 
found, beats it back on the fpeaker, or, rarher, 
is entirely loft and confounded, as the flute 



would be by the trumpet, if they were played 
on at the fame time ; or the pilot's fong by 
the waves of the fea. That the fpeaker would 
be animated and infpired by the beauty of the 
houfe, as my opponent maintained, is, in my 
opinion, falfe and abfurd ; the diredt contrary 
is true : for it would only alarm, and intimi- 
date him, when he came to conlider what a dif- 
grace it muft be to him, if, in fuch a place, the 
merit of his oration did not anfwer to the digni- 
ty of the fubie(5t; his faults would then be but 
the more confpicuous : like a man in beautiful 
armour flying before the enemy, whofe cowar- 
dice, on that very account, would be more 
taken notice of. This * Homer's great orator 
feemed convinced of, who attended not in the 
leaft to external beauty, but even alTumed the 
charadter of the moft ignorant and unfkilful of 
men, that what he faid might appear more 
worthy of admiration. The fpeaker, more- 
over, cannot himfelf refrain from admiring the 
fpedacle, which muft prevent his attention to 
the difcourfe ; and when thus employed, how 
can it otherwife happen, but that he muft fpeak 
the worfe for it ! I need not add, that in a houfe 
like this, the company is more generally inciin- 

• Hefner's, Cs'c.] Ulyfles. 



ed to fee than to hear : not a Demodocus, a 
Phemius, or a Thamyris, no, nor even an 
Orpheus or Amphion, would have eloquence 
enough to draw afide their attention to the fpec- 
tacle, nor furrounded by fuch beauty, would 
one of them iiften to the fpeech, but continue 
gazing at the light ; unlefs he chanced to be 
blind, or the alTembly met at night, like the 
council of •f' Areopagus. How much fuperior 
fine obje<fts are to fine words, the fable of the 
Syrens and Gorgons fufficiently points out to 
us ; the Syrens, we know, by their fweet fongs, 
detained many, and flopped their journey, 
feme, however, failed by, and never liftened to 
them •, but the beauty of the Gorgons was fo 
exquifite, that it took pofleffion of the foul, 

•f- AreopagusJ] It is remarkable that in the Areopagus, 
or grand Athenian court of juftice, the judges heard and 
determined all caufes at night, and in the dark, to the 
end, fays Potter, that having neither feen the plaintiff nor 
defendant, they might lay under no temptation of being 
biaffed or influenced by them. Though the cuftom is whim- 
fical, there is fomething right in the caufe here affigned tor 
it. By the fame method of reafoning, a modern juftice ot 
peace fliould be blind. Thofe, however, amongfl: us, who 
are acquainted with the true charader of the prefent Sir 
John Fielding, have a much better reafon than this for 
admiring him, as they will not perhaps, find in any other 
magilbate,- ancient or modern, an equal degree of pene- 
tration and fagacity, joined to fo much honour and inte- 



ftruck the beholders dumb, and bereaved them 
of their fenfes ; the fable even tells us they were 
turned into ftone. What your firft orator faid 
about the peacock, certainly favours my argu- 
ment, and not his, for it is his appearance, 
and not his voice, that delights us; and if you 
were to get a fwan or a nightingale to fing 
vvhilft he was prefent, the attention would be 
fixed on him, and nobody would mind the mu- 
fic ; fo fuperior is that pleafure which arifeth 
from the fight to every other. 

But I will bring a witnefs, and a mofl re- 
fped:able one, who fhall bear teflimony for 
me, that things feen are much more powerful 
than things heard. Crier, call in Herodotus ; 
and here he is, let him ftand forth and give 
his evidence; he will talk to you, as his cuftom 
is, in his own Ionic dialed:. Thus it runs, 
a * What he has faid, O judges, is true, and 
you may believe him when he afTerts that the 
fight is preferable to the hearing, for the eye 
is always lefs faithful than the ear/' You 
hear what the witnefs fays, and it is certainly 
true, for words have f wings, they fiy off as 

* JV^haf he hasfaiJ, If^c] See Herodot. lib. viii. p. 3, 
f Words, b'<..] Homer frequently calls them s^ix 
!ff1igo»Ta, winged words. 



foon as they come forth, and are no more; but 
the pleafure arifing from what we fee is folid 
and permanent : muft not then a palace like 
this, fo beautiful, and fo alluring, dazzle and 
confound the fpcaker ? and of this you are 
yourfelves the ftrongefi: proof: for whilil I have 
been fpeaking, you were all employed in ad- 
miring the llrufture, gazing at the roof, and 
turning your eyes towards every picture : nor 
need you be afhamed of it : we muft excufe 
you ; amidft fuch a variety of beauties, if you 
have any feeling, it is unavoidable, for the 
workmanlhip is excellent, Hiftory and Anti- 
quity unite their charms to allure you, and de- 
mand attention from every fpedtator of tafte 
and judgment. 

'* But that you may not quite forfake me, 
I willendeavour todefcribe them ; what it gives 
you fo much pleafure to fee, cannot be difagree- 
able in the recital ; I doubt not but you will 
even commend and prefer me to my rival, for 
thus pointing out the beauties, and doubling 
your delight. I have undertaken, you muft 
own, an arduous taik, thus, without pencil or 
colours, to difplay and illuftrate fuch a variety 
of charming images ; this painting by words is 
weak and inadequate. 

" Obferve 


'^ X Obfcrve then, as you enter on the right 
hand, a piece of Greek and Ethiopian hiftory ; 
Perfeus flaying the monfter, and freeing An- 
dromache, whom he afterwards marries; in 
another part is reprefented his flight to the 
Gorgons ; the artill: hath contrived in a fmall 
pidture to exhibit a variety of objedls. The 
fear and modefl:y of the virgin, who overlooks 
the contefl: from a high rock, the bold enter- 
prize of the lover, and the terrible appearance 
of the dragon, with dreadful fcales, and jaws 
gaping wide, and rufliing upon him. Perfeus 
holds the Gorgon fliield in his left hand, and 
in his right a fword, with which he pierces one 
fide of the monfter, whilft the other, which 
is oppofite to Medufa, is turned into ftone. 

Beyond this you fee another pidture ex- 
prellive of the divine juftice : the fubjecl of it 
feems to have been borrowed by the painter 
from Sophocles or Euripides, who defcribe the 
clrcumftance in a manner very fimilar to it. 
Two youths, Py lades the Phocian, and Orefles 

i Ohfeyve then, vitft .] I\Ion ot the pidures here defcribed 
feem to fhew no inconfiderable fhare of tafte and genius in 
the coinpofition ot them ; how they were executed we can- 
not poffibly tell, but by the grouping the figures, and 
the manner ot telling the fable, we may be aflured that the 
art of painting had, in Lucian's time, attiiined to great 
perfedion. boine of the fubjedts are, perhaps, worthy the 
confidenuiun of our ingenious modern artiih. ■ 



his friend, fuppofed to have been dead fome 
time, hide themfelves in the palace, and are 
reprefented in the ad: of killing ^gyflhus. 
Clytemneflra, already llain, lies on the bed 
half-naked, the fervants are {landing round in 
the utmoft confufion, fome as crying out, others 
looking round to fee which way they can efcape : 
the painter has, with great judgment, Ihewn 
only what ought to be Ihewn, and palTed over 
the reprefentation of what had been before 
committed; defcribing and dwelling on the 
murther of the adulterer. 

Next to thefe you may obferve a + beautiful 
god, and a handfome young man : the pid:ure 
is a kind of love tale, Branchus fits upon a 
rock, with a hare in his hand, which he holds 
out to a dog, who is leaping up at it. Apollo 
ftands by, and feems delighted to fee the boy 
playing with the hare, and the dog trying to 
catch it from him. 

In another pifture is Perfeus again, with 
the dragon, Medufa's head cut off, and Mi- 
nerva defending the hero : he does not look, 
whilil: he performs the deed, on Medufa, ex- 
cept by the reflection from his fhield, as well 
knowin-c how dear it would coft him to fix his 
eyes diredly upon her. 

•j- Beautiful god.] Apollo. 



In the middle of the wall, oppofite to the 
door, is the temple of Minerva, with a ftatue 
of the goddefs in white marble, not in a warlike 
habit, but in a garb fuitable to a martial deity 
making peace. 

Next to this is another Minerva, not a fta- 
tue, but a pidture : Vulcan is defcribed as a 
lover in purfuit of her; Ihe flies : from this we 
are to attribute the birth of I Erichthonius. 

Beyond this is a very ancient piece, of * 
Orion blind, caprying Cedalion, ivho Diews 
him the way to the light; the Sun rifmg cures 
him of his blindnefs. Vulcan fees the whole 
from Lemnos. 

And now comes f Ulyfles feigning madnefs, 


X Erichthofiiiis.'] In ilia collu6latione, (fays the pious 
LacStantius) Vulcauum profudlllc aiunt lemen, untie natus 
iit Erichthonius. 

* Orion.'] The fon of Neptune ; he is reprefented as a 
giant, and is faid to have fallen in love with Merope, of 
the ifland of Chios, whofe father, Oenopion, dlfliking the 
match, contrived, when he was drunk, to put out his eyes, 
and leave him on the fea fliore, where meeting with a far- 
mer's boy, he took him on his Ihoulders, by wav of guide, 
to condud him to the place where the fun rifes ; which, 
the ftory adds, perfectly recovered his light, ;uid gave him 
the opportunity of revenging himfelt on Oenopion. This 
accounts tor the additional tale ot his intrigue with Aurora, 
and thejealoufy of Diana, as mentioned by Homer. 

t UlyJ/l's.} This ftory is too well known to want any il- 
VoL, IV, M lutlration; 


to excufe himfelf from going on the expedition 
with the AtridsE : the ambalTadors are invit- 
ing him, his excufe is plaufible, his chariot, 
his hoifes of different colours, his pretended 
ignorance of every thing to be done; but the 
boy difcovers him. Palamedes, underftanding 
how the affair was, fnatches away Telema- 
chus, feigns himfelf in a violent rage, draws his 
fword, and threatens to kill him. Ulyffes is 
alarmed and terrified, drops his diflembled 
charad:er, puts on the father, and is reftored to 
his fenfes immediately. 

The laft pidiure is Medea, enflamed with 
jealoufy, looking fiercely at her children, as if 
meditating fomething dreadful, and with a fword 
in her hand; the little ones, ignorant of their 
future fate, fit with fmiling countenances, and 
whilft they fee her holding the fword over 
them, feem pleafed and happy. 

And now, judges, do ye not perceive that all 
this muft draw alide the attention of the audi- 
ence, and leave the orator unnoticed and alone ? 
What I have now faid was not with any de- 
fign to prejudice my opponent in your opi- 
nion, but only that I might convince you how 

luftration ; it is a very good fubjed for a pidure, and I 
would recommend it to that ingenious claffical painter Signo- 
ra Angelica Kaatfraan. 



difficult a tafk we had both undertaken, and to 
perfuade you, if poffible, to liften to us: even 
now you mud be our friends rather than our 
judges, before you can think us equal to fuch a 
fubjedt ; wonder not that I thus plead for my 
adverfary as well as for myfelf ; fo great is my 
regard for this houfe, I cannot but wifh well 
to all, whoever they be, that fpeak in praife of 

Ms ON 

O N 


^bis little Piece 0/ Lucian'j is (to /peak in the 
Language of Painters), in his worjl Manners be' 
ing nothing more than an Enumeration of Perfons 
who were remarkable for the Length of their 
Lives. It was cujiomary^ it feems^ at that Time^ 
on the Birth- days of great Men, for Poets, Ora- 
tors, and all the Herd of Flatterers to fend 
them Compliments on the Occafton. 'This is one 
which our Orator fcnt to Quintillus, who, 
with his Brother, was Pr^efeSt of Greece, un- 
der the Emperor Marcus Aurelius, whom 
he likewife takes the Opportunity of paying his 
court to. Though there is not much JVit or 
Humour in this Treatife on Longevity, I would 
recommend it to thofe amongji my Readers who ufe 
SpeBacles, to whom it may probably afford fome 

ACCEPT, moft excellent Quintillus, as 
a fmall tribute, my lill: of long-livers, 
which I was admoniflied to prefent to you by 
a dream, that I had on that night when you 
gave a name to your fecond fon, when I pray- 

On L O N G E V I T Y. 165 

ed to the gods that both you and your children 
might live a long and happy life, well know- 
ing that length of days to you would prove a 
blefling to all mankind, and particularly to me 
and mine : for to me alfo the dream feemed to 
prefage fomethinggood ; as it appeared, there- 
fore, to be the will of the gods that I Ihould 
offer to you fomething in my own way, and 
fuitable to my profcffion, on this aufpicious 
day, the day of your birth, I here fend you an 
account of all thofe who were remarkable for 
having lived long, and enjoyed health of body 
and mind ; whence you may reap the double 
advantage, firft, that of a chearful and well- 
founded hope that you may yourfeif arrive at 
a good old age, and fecondly, the convidtion 
you will receive from the examples which I 
will produce, that thofe only can enjoy perfecft 
health and long life, who take the greateit care 
both of mind and body. 

The life of Neflor, the wifcft of the Greeks, 
was, according to Homer, extended to three 
times the natural age of man, and he is defcrib- 
ed as the model of induftry and application. 
Tircfias alfo, as the tragedinns inform us, lived 
more than fix ages-, and moll probable it muft 
be, that a man dedicated, as he was, to the fer- 
vice of the gods, and inured to temperance and 
M 3 fobriety. 

i66 On L O N G E V I T Y. 

fobriety, Ihould attain to length of days. Whole 
nations of men are celebrated for their longe- 
vity, on account of their manner of living, as 
the Egyptians, who were called * facred 
fcribes ; the AlTyrians and Arabians, interpre- 
ters of myfteries ; the Indian Brachmans, deep- 
ly ikilled in philofophy ; thofe who are called 
the Magi, prophets and holy men amongft the 
Perfians, Parthians, Badrians, Choramians, 
Sacians, Medes, with many other Barbarians ; 
thefe were all remarkably long-lived and heal- 
thy, owing moft probably to that temperance 
and abflinence which their ftudies obliged them 
to. Even at this time there are whole nations 
that live much longer than others ; the Seres 
in particular, who are faid to extend lite even 
to three hundred years : fome attribute this lon- 
gevity to the air, others to the foil, and others 
to their manner of living, for they drink, it is 
faid, nothing but water. Hiftory tells us that 
the "j- Athotes alfo, frequently live to a hun 
dred and thirty, and the Chaldasans to above 
a hundred, feeding on barley bread, which 
ftrengthens the fight, and makes their fenfes 
quicker and more powerful than thofe of other 
* Sacred fcrihcs.'] See Diodor. Sic. cap. svi, n. 26. 
+ Athotes.'l The inhablt;ints of mount Athos. 


On longevity. 167 

But I have fpoken hitherto only of thofe 
people who, we are told, lived longer than 
others, either from the temperature of the air, 
their manner of living, or both together ; it is 
neceflary I ihould alfo add, for your future 
hope and comfort, that in every climate, and 
in every air, men have frequently enjoyed long 
life, by the means of proper exercife, and 
ufing that diet which conduced mofl to health 
and ftrength. 

I Ihall divide my narrative into feveral parrs, 
according to the feveral ranks of men, beginning 
with kings and leaders ; happy to number 
amongft them our own auguft and pious empe- 
ror, whofe life is the glory and happinefs of 
his people : thefe illuftrious examples you may 
yourfelf hope to imicate, and by pradlifing their 
temperance, inherit their longevity. Niima 
Pompilius, the moft profperous and happy of 
Roman kings, and who made the worfhip of 
the gods his peculiar care, is faid to have lived 
to fourfcore and upwards ; and Servius Tullius, 
another king of the Romans, to the fame age ; 
and Tarquin, their laft fovereign, after his ba- 
nifliment to Cumse, enjoyed life in perfect 
health for moMC than ninety years. I could 
mention many other kings, as well as the Ro- 
mim, together with feveral perfons of inferior 
M 4 rank* 

j68 On longevity, 

rank, both at Rome and in other parts of Italy^ 
who lived to a great age. We mufl call in 
hiftory to refute the opinion of thofe who find 
fault with our air as unwholefome, and which 
flatters us with the pleafing hope that our pray- 
ers will be crowned with fuccefs, and that the * 
lord of the earth and feas, who is already far ad- 
vanced, will long rule over this land, and attain 
to a great and happy old age. Arganthonius, 
king; of the Tartefliaus, lived a hundred and 
filty years, as we learn from Herodotus the 
hiftorian, and the poet Anacreon ; though by 
fome the account is deemed fabulous. Demo- 
chares and Timseus tell us, that Agathocles, 
king of Sicily, died at ninety-five; we are in- 
formed like wife by Demetrius and others, that 
Hiero lived to ninety-two, after a reign of fe- 
venty years, Anteas, king of Scythia, died at 
ninety, fighting againft Philip, on the banks of 
the Ifther. And Bardylis, fovereign of the 11- 
lyrians, is faid to have fought on horfeback at 
the fame age ; and Teres, king of the Odry- 
fians, as t Theopompus tells us, died at ninety- 
two. Antigonus Codes, king of Macedonia, 

* Lord of the earthy ^c.'] A pretty high {trained conv- 
pliment Tbut we muft remember it was paid to an emperor. 
•f Theopompus.'] The celebrated hiftorlan, 


On longevity. 169 

and fon of Philip, fell in the battle with Se- 
leucus and Lyfimachus, covered with wounds, 
when he was eighty-one years old, as we are in- 
formed by Hieronymus, who accompanied him 
in that expedition, and who tells us alfo, that 
Lyfimachus, king of the Macedonians, fell in 
the war againfl Seleucus, when he was juft 
fourfcore. Antigonus, fon of Demetrius, and 
nephew of the one-eyed Antigonus, ruled over 
Macedon four-and-forty years, and lived to 
eighty, according to Medius and other writers ; 
and Antipater, the fon of lolaus, a man of great 
power and authority, who was governor to many 
of the kings of Macedon, died upwards of 
eighty. Ptolemy of Lagus, the moft profper- 
ous prince of his time, pofleffed the kingdom 
of Egypt to the eighty-fourth year of his age, 
and, two years before he died, refigned it to his 
fon Ptolemy Philadelphus, the only child who 
furvived him. Philotaurus, the eunuch, the 
firft who acquired the kingdom of Pergamus, 
held it for a long time, and died at fourfcore; 
and Attalus, furnamed Philadelphus, another 
king of the fame j-)lace, who was viiited by Sci- 
pio the Roman general, lived to the age of 
eighty-two. Mithridates, kingof Pontus, fur- 
named the Builder, died, after his flight from 


17© On L O N G E V I T Y. 

Antigonus, at eighty-four, as Hieronymus and 
other writers inform us. The fame hiftorian 
fays that Ariarathes, king of the Cappadocians, 
lived eighty-two years, and might probably 
have furvived many more, if he had not been 
taken prifoner in the battle againfi: Perdiccas, 
and condemned to the crofs. The Elder Cy- 
rus, king of Perfia, according to the monumen- 
tal infcriptions, (and this is confirmed by Onefi- 
critus, who wrote the life of Alexander,) when 
he was a hundred years old, meeting with one 
of his friends, whom he had been long in fearch 
of, and hearing from him that many perfons had 
been put to death by his fon Camb3'fes, who 
reported that it was done by order of his father, 
partly on account of his fon*s cruelty, and part- 
ly bccaufe he had been himfelf accufcd of con- 
niving with him, died of grief. Artaxerxes, 
furnamed Mnemon, on account of his extraor- 
dinary memory, whom the Younger Cyrus 
waged war with, died at eighty-fix, Dinon fays 
ninety-four. Another king of Perfia of the 
fame name, who, as Ifidorus the hiftorian re- 
ports, reigned in his time, was cut off by trea- 
fon at the age of ninety-three, his brother Gofi- 
thres confpiring againft him. Sinarthocles, king 
of the Parthians, on his return from Scythia, 
took pofleflion of his kingdom at fourfcore, and 


On L O N G E V I T Y. 171 

reigned feven years : and Tigranes, king of Ar- 
menia, who went to war with Lucullus, was 
eighty-five when he died. Hyfpafines, who 
ruled over the Characians and other people 
bordering on the Red Sea, lived to the fame 
age ; and Tirseus, the third king from him, 
was carried off by a difeafe at ninety-two. Ar- 
tabaziis, the feventh fovereign from Terseus, 
was brought into the kingdom by the Parthians 
at eighty-fix, when he began his reign. Mna- 
fires, likewife, another king of that nation, liv- 
ed to ninety-iix. Mafinifla, king of Numidia, 
arrived at his ninetieth year. 7 hat Afander, 
whom Augullus made governor of the Bofpho- 
rus, fought both on foot and horfeback at the 
age of ninety, and was inferior to none; three 
years after he ftarved himfelf to death, being 
piqued at the citizens for deferting him, and 
going over to Scribonius. Ifidorus, the Cara- 
cenian, tells us, that Goefius, who was his con- 
temporary, and king of the Omanians in Arabia 
Felix, lived to a hundred and fifteen : thefe are 
all the princes whom hillory has celebrated for 
their longevity. 

But as many phi'orophers, and men of let- 
ters, who take more care of themfelves, have 
alfo lived to a great age, I fhall endeavour, as 


172 On L O N G E V I T Y. 

far as any records will fupply us with informa- 
tion, to enumerate them. And firft, for the 
philofophers : Democritus of Abdera, was turn- 
ed of a hundred and four, when he voluntarily 
abftained from all food, and died. Xenophi- 
lus,the mufician, and remarkable for his perfect 
knowlege of the Pythagorean fyftem, lived at 
Athens to the age of a hundred and five and 
upwards, as we arc told by Ariftoxenus. Solon, 
Thales, and Pittacus, three of the feven wife 
men, were each of them at leaft a hundred 
years old. Zeno, the prince of Stoic philofo- 
phers, at the age of ninety-eight, as he was 
coming into the fchool, ftumbled, v.-e are told, 
and immediately cried out, * " Doft thou call 
me ?" he then returned home, refuted all man- 
ner of fuftenance, and died. CUanthes, his 
difciple and fucceffor, had an impoflume In 
his lip when he was ninety-nine, and refolved 
to die in the fame manner ; but receiving letters 
from his friends, requefting him to do fome- 
thing for them, he took a little fuftenance, 
performed what they required, then ilarved 
himielf, and died. Xenophancs, the fon of 
Dexinus, a difciple of Archelaus, the naturalift, 
lived -to the age of ninety-one. Xenocrates, a 

* Dojl tbouy feV.] Speaking to the earth. 


On longevity. 173 

fcholar of Plato's, to eighty-four. Carneades, 
principal of the New Academy, to eighty-five ; 
Chryfippus, fourfcore ; and Diogenes, the Se- 
leucian, a Stoic philofopher, eighty-eight. Po- 
fidonius, the philofopher and hiflorian, a native 
of Apamea in Syria, but afterwards made a ci- 
tizen of Rhodes, died at eighty-four ,• and Cri- 
tolaus, the Peripatetic, at eighty-two and up- 
wards. The divine Plato lived to eighty-one. 
Athenodorus, of Tharfus, who was tutor to 
Auguftus, and prevailed on him to exempt that 
city from all taxes, for which the Tharfians 
paid him annual worlhip as one of their heroes, 
died in his native country at eighty -two ; and 
Neftor, the Stoic of the fame place, preceptor 
to Tiberius, at ninety-two. Xenophon alfo, 
the fon of Gryllus, lived to upwards of ninety. 
Thefe were the famous philofophers, who were 
remarkable for their longevity. 

Amongft the hiflorians, the moft extraordi- 
nary in this refped was Etelibius, who is faid 
to have dropped down dead as he was walking, 
at the age of a hundred and twenty-four, ac- 
cording to Apollodorus. Hieronymus, a fa- 
mous warrior, after receiving innumerable 
wounds, and a life of labour, lived to upwards 
of a hundred and four, as Agatharchides in- 

174 O N L O N G E V I T Y. 

forms us in his ninth book of the Hiflory of 
Afia, where he expreffes his admiration of a 
man who was able to perform all the offices of 
it, and had the ufe of his fenfes, and was in 
perfedt health, to the very laft moment. Hel- 
lanicus, the Lefbian, lived to eighty-five ; and 
Pherecydes Syrus to exactly the fame age. Ti- 
m^us, the Tauromenian,to ninety-fix. Arifto- 
bulus, of CaflTandra, is faid to have lived till 
ninety, having begun to write his Hiftory when 
he was eighty-four, as he tells us himfelf in the 
preface to it. Polybius, fon of Lycontas, the 
Megalopolitan, as he was coming out of the 
country, fell from his horfe, and contradted a 
diforder which carried him off juft on the day 
that completed his eighty-fecond year ; and 
Hypficrates, the Amycenian, a writer, and a 
man of the deepell erudition, lived to the age 
of ninety-two. 

Amongfl the orators, Gorgias, by fome called 
the Sophift, died, by a voluntary abftinence 
from all food, at a hundred and eight ; when 
he was afked what could be the caufe of his 
living fo long, and retaining his health and 
fenfes to fuch an extraordinary old age, he ufed 
to fay, it was owing to his flaying at home, 
and not indulging at other men's tables. Ifo- 
crates wrote his famous Panegyric at ninety- 

O N L O N G E V 1 T Y. 175 

fix i and in his ninety-ninth year, when he 
was told that Philip had beaten the Athenians 
at Chasron^ea, he repeated, in a mournful tone, 
this verfe of Euripides, applying it to himfelf : 
•< * When Cadmus erft his much lov'd Sidon left," 

and then adding, that Greece henceforth would 
be reduced to flavery, he expired. Apollodo- 
rus, of Pergamus, the rhetorician and precep- 
tor to Auguftus Csefar, together with Atheno- 
dorus, the philofopher, of Tarfus, lived to the 
fame age of eighty-two ; and Potamon, an 
orator of fome note, to ninety. 

Amongft the poets, Sophocles, the famous 
tragic writer, died at ninety-five, being choak- 
ed with a grape-flone : towards the clofe of his 
life, I his fon lophon accufed him publicly of 
being out of his fenfes, when he produced be- 
fore the judges his Oedipus Coloneus ; a fuffi- 
cient proof of the foundnefs of his mind, info- 
much that the court beftowed the higheft en- 
comiums on him, and condemned the fon as 
a madman, in fuppofing his father to be fo, 
Cratinus, the comic poet, lived to upwards of 

* When Cadmui^l^c.'\ From the Phryxus of Euripides, 
The line is (till extant in the fragments, as publifl)ed by 
Barnes; it is quoted alfo by Arifiophanes. 

t ^'-f /"'' ] See Licero de Senedute. The fiery is like- 
wife told by Val. MaximuSf 


476 On L O N G E V I T Y. 

ninety, having jufl before gained the prize by 
his Pytine. Philemon alfo, another comic wri- 
ter, laid himfelf down quietly on his bed, at 
the age of ninety-feven, and perceiving an afs 
devouring the figs which had been brought 
for his own dinner, he called his fervant, and 
ordered him to bring the afs fome wine, then 
biirfl into a loud laugh which choaked him, 
and he died. Epicharmus likewife, another 
comic writer, is faid to have lived to the fame 
age. Anacreon, the writer of fongs, was eighty- 
five when he died ; and Stefichorus, the ode- 
maker, of the fame age. Simonides, the Csean, 
was above ninety. 

Amongft the grammarians, Eratofthenes, the 
Cyren^an, fon of Aglaus, who is mentioned 
by fome not only as a grammarian but a poet, 
a geometrician, and a philofopher, alfo lived 
to eighty- two. Lycurgus, the legiilator of- 
Sparta, is faid to have been eighty-five. 

Thefe are all the princes and learned men 
whom I have been able to coUedt. I promifcd 
to give you an account of (ome Romans and 
Italians likewife, who were remarkably long- 
lived ; but thefe, by * divine permiffion, I 
propofe, moil venerable Quintillus, to mention 
in another treatife on this fubjed:. 

* By divine permijfion.'l Gr. Qiuv ^aXof/.tvuv^ Diis volen- 

tibus, or, as the carriers fay, God willing. 




This is a Kind of public Exercife or Declamation^ 
probably fpoken by Lucian himfelf, or written 
by him for one of his Pupils, when he appeared 
in the Character of an Orator or Rhetorician* 
There is nothing very new or entertaining in this 
Jhort Piece : on a SubjeB fo trite and hackneyed, 
one can no more expeB f^lt or Humour, than in 
a Birth Day Ode. Huetius will not allow it 
to be Lucian's. 

IT is an old adage, that nothing is more 
pleafing and delightful to every man than 
his own country ; may we not add, that no- 
thing is more venerable or more divine ? for, 
furely, of whatever is noble, whatever is di- 
vine, our country is the firft caufe, the great 
miftrefs, who taught, who encouraged, and 
who brought it to perfedlion. Many admire 
the extent, the fplendour, and magnificence of 
other cities, but all love their own : no man, be 
he ever lo fond of fine lights abroad, is fo led 
away or enchanted by them, as to forget his 
own home. He who boafts of being born in 
a mod noble and illuftrious country, feems not 
Vol. IV. N to 

173 T HE L O V E OF 

to know the duty of a citizen ; as, were it Icfs 
illuflrious, he would efteem it lefs; but our 
own country, be it what it will, fhould be ho- 
noured and efteemed by us. When we com- 
pare cities one with another, we confider the 
lize, beauty, and commercial advantages of 
each : but, at the fame time, no man would 
leave his own for the moft fplendid of them, 
but prefer it to all, though he might wifh it 
were near to the moil convenient and delight- 
ful. For thus it is with regard to good pa- 
rents and dutiful children ; no honeft or virtu- 
ous young man prefers another to his father, 
nor will the good father embrace another child 
and nesledt his own. On the other hand, fo 
attached are parents to thofe who fpring from 
them, that their own children always appear 
the beft, the moft beautiful, and the moft ac- 
compliflied; and he who judges not thus of 
his fon, feems not, to me, to have the eyes of 
a father. 

One of the neareft and deareft of all names, 
is that of father, and fo, doubrlefs, is that of 
our country : if we pay all honour and refpedt 
to a father, as nature and the laws require of us ; 
to our country we owe ftill greater, as the father 
of the father's father, and every thing flowing 



from them, are a part of, and fprung from our 
country : the relation afcends even to the gods 
themfelves, who love and revere their coun- 
try : the earth and leas, every thing human, 
we know, and believe, is under their care and 
inlpedion ; but they prefer that city which 
gave them birth, to every other. The countries 
of the gods are, doubtlefs, the mofl venerable ; 
and thofe iflands moft divine, in which are 
celebrated the birth-days of the deities, and the 
vows and facrifices offered there, are moft ac- 
ceptable to them. If the name of country, 
therefore, is dear even to the gods, how much 
more fo fhould it be to men ? 

In his own country every man firft beheld the 
light of the fun, and though that god fliines 
equally on all, yet doth he feem to every one 
to belong to that peculiar place where he has 
the firft view of him : there too he firft began 
to lifp his native tongue ; there firft learned to 
worfhip the gods; even if a man was born in a 
place which he ftiould be obliged to quit for 
another where more knowlege might be acquir- 
ed, yet is he not to defpife it, but acknowlege 
himfelf indebted to his own country for the 
improvement, as to that he owed the knowlege 
that there vv^as another city which he might re- 


i8o The LOVE OF 

pair to. For what purpofe, indeed, do men 
fearch after every kind of learning and know- 
lege, but that they may be ferviceable to their 
country, or acquire riches; but that they may 
fupply the wants of the community ? Doubt- 
lefs, with the greateft reafon, thofe who reap 
confiderable benefits fhould be grateful for 
them ; if we return thanks to individuals for 
the favours which we receive from them, much 
more fhould we repay what is due to our coun- 
try. Ingratitude to parents, is punifhable by 
the laws, and our country is our common pa- 
rent whom we fliould pay for our fupport, by 
obedience to thofe laws which Ihe hath framed 
for us. No man, I believe, was ever fo to- 
tally unmindful of his own country, as, though 
fettled in another, not to have a regard for it. 
Thofe who meet with adverfe fortune, are per- 
petually calling to mind the bleffings of their 
own country, and even thofe with whom every 
thing profpers, how happy foever they may be 
in other refpedts, flill lament that they are not 
at home ; migration is a grief, as well as a re- 
proach to all: and we conftantly fee, that even 
thofe, who, in a foreign country have been 
diftinguilhcd by rank and fortune, who have 
been celebrated for their learning or their va- 


Jour, all haflen back to their own ; they wifh 
to fhew their happlnefs to none fo much as to 
their fellow-citizens, and the greater honours 
they receive, the more willing are they to re- 
turn with them to their native country. The 
young are naturally fond of, and when they 
arrive at riper year?, and have more fenfe and 
wifdom, they become ftili more attached to it : 
every old man wilhes to linifh his life where it 
began, to commend his body to the foftering 
earth from whence it came, and to fleep in the 
fepulchre of his fathers ; fuch dread hath every 
manof being condemned to remain in a foreign 
land. How much a good citizen loves his 
country, the natives, and they alone can con- 
vince us ; for flrangers are confidered but as 
baftards who wander about, fatisfied with the 
neceflaries or conveniencies of life, wherever 
they can meet with them, indulging, like 
brutes, in fenlual gratifications, without either 
love for their country, or knowlegc of it : whiift 
thofe who confider it as their mother, love 
the place of their nativity, be it ever fo fmall, 
barren, or defolate; and though they cannot 
commend its fertility, flill praife and value it as 
their couniry : when they fee others boalling 
their exLcniive plains, and fertile meadows, yet 
N 3 will 

i82 The LOVE of our COUNTRY, 

will they not forget their own. "^ They defpife 
the horfe-breeding land, and praife that alone 
which bred and nourifhed thcmfelves. He 
who is fituated in the fineft illand, where they 
lead the happieft lives, flill wilhes to return 
home : nor will he accept of profFer'd immor- 
tality, chuling rather to be buried in his own 
country : the f fmoke of his paternal roof is 
preferable to every foreign fire. 

So dear to every man is his countr}', that le- 
giflators at all times, and in all places, have 
puniilied the mod atrocious crimes with banifh- 
ment, as the greaiell evil which they could in- 
iiid: on the offender : and generals, before a 
battle, always animate their foldiers by ex- 
horting them to fight for their country ; that 
name gives courage to the mofl fearful ; who, 
indeed, can hear it and be a coward ? 

* Dcfpifc.'\ Gr. nrov os iTT'Trorfopov vTripopui/nc, xnforpoipot 
evacimat ; defpefta equorum altrice terra, laudant fuse nutri- 
ciilam pueritize. There is a quaint antlthelis, we may ob- 
ferve here, both between the verb and the participle, and 
the two epithets, jVTj-olp^^f, or horfe-breeding, is oppofed 
to xaprp^E?. See Odylfey, A. io6. 

■\ I'hefjnokc.'l Alluding to thefe lines concerning Ulyfles, 
To fee the fmokc from his lov'd palace rife, 
While the dear iile in diflant profpe6t lies, 
With. what contentment could he clofe his eyes ! 

Ses Pope's Homer's Odyffey, b. i. 1. 75 

D 1 P- 

D I P S A D E S. 

This is a familiar Letter of huci ah' s to a parti- 
cular Friend (but who the Friend was we kncrw 
not), giving him a curious Defcription of a little 
Serpent called the Dipfas, which is found in 
the Defarts of Libya. The Defcription is lively 
and piBurefque, and the complimentary Turn at 
the End in the true Spirit 0/ Lucian, and much 
the prettier for being quite unexpeEled. 

THE fouthern parts of Libya are nothing 
but one immenfe plain or defart, where 
the earth is burned up, and quite barren, with 
out grafs, plant, or water upon it ; in the hol- 
lows of rocks, indeed, you may fometiraes meet 
with the remnants of a Ihower, but it is thick, 
and of fo fetid a fmell, that no man can drink 
of it be he ever fo thirfty, it is therefore un- 
inhabited; who, indeed, can live in a place 
which is for ever dry, barren, and {linking, 
where there are perpetual vapours, and where 
the air is as hot as fire, and the burning fands 
render the whole country impaflable ? the Ga- 
ramantes alone, a favage people, who go thinly 
clad, and live in tents, are found there in win- 
ter time ; when the fand is hardened by the 
N 4 rains. 

184 D I P S A D E S. 

rains, and the heat a little abated, they watch 
the feafon, and come to hunt wild affes, and 
oftriches, that fly clofe to the ground, apes, 
and fometimes elephants ; for thefe of all crea- 
tures can befl endure thirft, and the tortures of 
a burning fun : but even thefe people get back 
as fall as they can, as they are always in fear 
left the hot fand Ihould, as it often does, put 
a Hop to their journey, catch them as it were 
in a net, and totally deftroy then:i; nor is there, 
to fay the truth, any poffibility of efcaping, 
when the fun drawing up the moillure, and 
drying up every thing in a moment, flames out 
in all his fiercenefs, and feems to fhoot forth 
ftronger rays, and to gather ftrength from the 
moifture he has exha'ed, which adds fuel to his 
fire. Dreadful as this drought anc' folitude, 
this vv'ant of every thing ufeful and neceflary, 
and thefe peftilential vapours, are, they are ftill 
lefs fo than what I am going to mention, and 
which alone might fufficicntly deter us from en- 
tering into this inhofpirable re^iion; and that is, 
the quantity of ferpents with which it abounds; 
many of them of an immenfe fize, ftrange 
forms, and armed with a moft deadly and de- 
flrudlive poifon, fome cr-eeping on the furface of 
the earth, and others half buried in the fand ; 


D I P S A D E S. 185 

toads, afps, vipers, ^ ramfhorns, darters, -j- 
cantharides, amphifbense, and dragons ; two 
fpecies of fcorpions, one very large, with feet, 
that walk on the ground, with a number of 
vertebrsE in the tail, the other flying in the air, 
with a membranous kind of wing like bats or 
grafshoppers ; this kind of birds renders that 
part of Libya which they frequent almoft impaf- 

But of all the noifome creatures impregnated 
by the hot fands the mod: dreadful is the Dip- 
fas, a fmail ferpent like the viper, which bites 
with the greateft violence, and leaves a thick 
poifon, which no medicine can extirpate ; it 
brings on immediate putrefaction, and burns in 
fuch a manner that theperfon bit cries out as if 
he was in a fire : but its mofl terrible effed: is 
that fenfation from whence the creature takes 
its 'I name; the man grows thirfly beyond all 
conception, and, which is moft aflonifhing, the 
more he drinks, becomes the more defirous of 
liquor, nor would the whole Nile or Danube, 

* RamJ}:?orns.'\ Gr. xs^ao-rat. Here I advife my readers 
to turn to the ninth book of I ucan's Pharfalia, where they 
will meet with fome beautitul lines on a fimilar fubjecS. 

f Caniharldes.] Gr. B»7rp>!rei?. According to Pliuy, ell 
animalculum ex cantharidum genere, called ^ii'!r^ri^r,<i^ quod 
in herba a bobus devoratum eos ita inflammet ut rumpat. 

X Name.1 A»\)/«, in Greek, fignifies thirll, 




if he could fwallovv them, quench his thirft : 
the water, like pouring oil on fire, only in- 
creafes the diforder. The fons of phyfic account 
for this by faying, that the thick pcifon being 
diluted by the liquor, becomes liquid, moves 
with greater velocity, and fpreads itl'eif more 
widely over the body. 1 have never feen my- 
feif, nor I hope ever Ihall, any one under this 
dreadful calamity, as I never, thank heaven, 
ventured to fet foot in Libya j but I have heard 
of an infcription, which a friend of mine told 
me he had read, on the tomb of a man who 
perifhed in this manner : he met with it in his 
way to Egypt, on a journey to the Greater 
Syrtis, on the fea fhore, where a pillar was 
ere£ted, with figures alluding to the manner of 
his death. Engraved on it was a man (land- 
ing, as they reprefent Tantalus on the fhore, 
endeavouring to drink ; a dipfas wreathed round 
his leg, and near him feveral women bringing 
water and pouring it upon him : not far oif 
were a number of eggs, fuppofed to be left by 
the oftriches, which, as I before mentioned, 
the Garamantes are fo fond of hunting : be- 
neath was the following infcription. 

Thus Tantalus, of old, cou'd ne'er afluage 
Of dreadful thirft th' unconquerable rage ; 
And thus the Danalds try'd, but try'd in vain, 
To fill the veffel and relieve his pain. 


D I P S A D E S. 187 

There were likevvife four more verfes concern- 
ing the eggs, and relating how he was bit by 
the ferpent whilft looking after them ; but thefe 
I cannot recolledt. The people who take thefe 
eggs not only ufe them for food, but fcoop 
them into cups, having no clay for that pur- 
pofe, the earth there being nothing but fand ; 
they are likewife made into a kind of hat, two 
out of every egg, each half forming one cover- 
ing for the head ; near thefe eggs the Dipfas lies 
hid, and creeping out of the fand, feizes upon 
the unfortunate man ; then follow all the dread- 
ful confequences which I have related, he 
grows thirfty, and drinks ; his thirfl increafes, 
and is unquenchable. 

What I have here related was not, I fwear by 
Jupiter, with any defign of rivalling the poet 
Nicander, nor to fhew you how intimately I 
was acquainted with the nature of Libyan fer- 
pcnts, a knowlege more proper for phyficians, 
whofe bufinefs it is to enquire into thefe things, 
that they may be enabled to find out a remedy 
for the diforder : I only meant (and I intreat 
you, by Jove the Friendly, not to be offended 
at the comparifon), 10 fignify that I am affedtcd 
in the fame manner with regard to you, as 
-thofc who are bitten by the dipfas; I have a 


i88 D I P S A D E S. 

perpetual thirft upon me, and the oftener I 
come into your company, the more defirous 1 
am of it, and my drought is unquenchable : 
nor is it to be wondered at; for where fhall I 
meet with fuch a pure and tranflucent flood ? 
you will pardon me, therefore, if, after fo fweet 
and wholefom.e a bite, I join my lips clofe to 
the fpring-head, and take a copious draught. 
Never may that fountain be dried up, or leave 
me thirfling for more wifdom and knowlege 
from you ; of that water may I for ever drink ! 
for, as the great Plato long fince obferved, * 
of that which is truly beautiful and good there 
is no fatiety. 

* Of that .f tsfcj Gr. ■nosp'^ «?£«; t4;» x^ws. 

A D 1 S- 



One very feldom wifies thai Difpiites Jbould con^ 
tinue long : the only Fault, however, of this, my 
Readers, I believe, will acknowlege, is, that it 
is too Jhort ; being apparently only a Fragment of 
a fprightly Dialogue between Lucian and 
Hesiod, which, like Hudibras'^ 
Jdventure of the Bear and Fiddle, 
Begins, and breaks off in the Middle, 
From what remains of this little imperfeB Statue, 

we may judge, indeed, of the Sculptor^ s Merit 

ex Pede Herculem. 


THAT you are undoubtedly the beft of 
all poets, and that you received this 
gift, together with the ^ laurel, from the Mufes, 

• Laurel.] .Alluding to the following lines in Hefiod's 
Theogony, where the poet fays, 

To me the branch they gave, with look ferene 
The laurel enfign, never-fading green : 
I took the gift, with holy rapture fir'd, 
My words flow fweeter, and my foul's infpir'd. 

See Cooke's Tr. of the Theogony, 1. 49. 



you have yourfelf fairly proved to us in your 
verfes, where every thing is truly noble and di- 
vine ; and we give you credit for it : but there 
is one thing we are furprlfed at, that, whereas 
you have informed us that the gods beftowed 
this wonderful gift upon you, that you might 
fing of what was f paft, and foretell what was 
to come, of thefe you have as yet performed 
only one : the firft, indeed, you have done to 
perfection, by reciting the genealogy of the 
gods, quite back to old Chaos, the Earth, 
Heaven, and Love ; you have, moreover, enu- 
merated the virtues of women, given us pre- 
cepts of agriculture, an account of the Pleia- 
des, of the times for fowing, harveft, naviga- 
tion, and many other things ; but the latter, 
which, doubtlefs, would have been much more 
ferviceable to mankind, and a noble gift of 
the gods, the predid:ion, I mean, of future 
events, you feem totally to have forgotten ; 
nor do 1 remember, that, in any part of 5'our 
works, you have followed the fteps of * Cal- 
chas, Telephus, Polyidus, or Phineus, who, 

■f PaJ}.'] Before my eyes appears the various fcene 
Of all that is to come, and what has been. 

Th. I. 53. 
* Calchas^ Telcphm^ tSc.'\ Some of the moft famous pro- 
phets or feers of antiquity. 



you know, were no poets, and yet were able to 
divine, and always ready to give an anfwer to 
thofe who confulted them about futurity. 

You are liable, therefore, to one of the 
three following accufations : either, firft, you 
have been guilty of a falfehood, which, to be 
fure, is a bitter fufpicion, in telling us that the 
Mufes had beftowed this faculty upon you, 
which they have never done ; or, fccondly, 
they have given it you according to their pro- 
mife, and you, from mere grudging and felfiih- 
nefs, with-hold the gift, and will not impart it 
to thofe who ftand in need of it; or, thirdly, 
and laftly, you have already written a great 
many things of this kind, but have never yet 
publifhed them, referving all their profit and 
inftrudiion for I know not what diftant time in 
the annals of futurity. One of thefe muft be 
the cafe ; for I fliould never dare to fuppofe 
that the Mufes, after a promife of two things, 
would perform one, and revoke the other, 
efpecially as that of prophecy ftands firft in the 

Whom, then, can we apply to for a folution 
of thefe doubts but yourfeif ? and as the gods 
are the ^ authors of every good, fo is it the 

f Juthon^ fe'f.] See Heliod's Theog, 1, 46, and 633. 



peculiar duty of their friends and fervants, 
fuch as you are, to tell all you know with the 
flrl(fleft regard to truth, and, if we have any 
doubts or fcruples, to refolve them for us. 

I could very eaiily anfvver all your queflions 
at once, by obferving that every thing which 
is faid in my verfes was not dilated by me, 
but by the Mufes ; from them alone, therefore, 
you are to afk the reafon, both for what is 
done, and for what is not done ; what I wrote 
from my own knowlege, with regard to the 
feeding, guarding, milking, and driving of 
flocks, and other paftoral affairs, I am anfwer- 
able for, myfelf; but the goddefles have a 
right to beftow their own favours on whom, 
and in what proportion, they think proper. 

But, to make a poetical defence, it may fuffice 
to fay, that nobody enquires, with fcrupulous 
nicety and exadtnefs, into the affertions of poets, 
nor expefts that every thing they fay Ihould be 
literally true ; nor is it fair, if, in the warmth 
of fancy, any thing unguarded Ihould efcape 
them, too rigidly to examine into it, well know- 
ing that we fay many things merely for the 
fake of harmony and cadence. Verfe, I know 
not how, will fometimes deal in light and tri- 


vial matter ; and if you take away our liberty 

of * fidion, you deprive us of our greateft 

privilege, you pafs over all our beauties, and 

pick out our thorns and briars, dwell upon our 

-f quirks and quibbles, only as a handle for 

cenfure : but it is not you only who adt thus, 

nor againft me alone ; there are many others, 

profeflbrs of the fame art, who find fault with 

the verfes of Homer, difputing with him about 

matters the moft trifling and inconfiderable. 

But to come to clofe quarters with regard to 

this accufation, and make my trueft and beft 

defence : read, I beg you, my Works and 

Days ; there you will fee how many things I 

have moft divinely, and like a real prophet, 

foretold ; what would happen when the proper 

care was taken, as well as the evil which would 

come to pafs, when there was not ; j for in- 


whom thirft of gain betrays, 
The gods, all-feeing, (hall o'ercloud his days. 

And again, v/here I mention the great ad- 

* FiHion.'] " Your verfes in praife of Cromwell (faid 
king Charles to Waller) are much more elegant than thofe 
you made on me." — Waller's anfwer was an excellent one : 
" We poets, Sir, (faid he) always fucceed better in fidtion 
than in truth." See Waller's Life. 

t ^irks^ i3c.'\ Gr. o-«u^«;k«/As;, fubtlles angas. Arlrto- 
phanes ufes the word In this fenfe. 

% For injlame.^ See the Works and Days, 1. 426. 

Vol. IV, O vantages 


vantages which will arife from good tillage, 
furely this is a kind of divination that muft be 
very ufeful to mankind. 

L U C I A N. 

But all this, moft admirable Hefiod, is only 
fpeaking as a fhepherd ; it may, indeed, con- 
firm what you call the infpiration of the Mufes, 
as there can be no reafon why you Ihould write 
the verfes at all : but this is not the divination 
which we expedt from you and the Mufes ; for 
every ruftic can divine better in thefe matters : 
he can foretell, as well as you, that if it rains 
there will be a plenteous harveft, and that if it 
is a hot fummer, and the fields are burned up, 
a famine muft enfue : he can tell us that we 
Ihould not plough in the middle of the fum- 
mer, or, if we do, that we Ihall fow our feed 
to no purpofe ; that we are not to cut the corn 
when it is green, if we expedt any grain from 
it. Without divination he can tell you, that 
you muft turn up the earth with a fpade, and 
cover the feed, or the birds will fly upon it, 
and devour all the hopes of your riling har- 
veft : he who gives you fuch precepts, will 
certainly be in the right ; but this is a very dif- 
ferent thing from divination, which pries into 
obfcurity, and can foretel what is by no means 



plain or eafy to be difcovered : as when it was 
predicated to Minos that his fon fhould be fuffo- 
cated in a tub of honey ; when the caufe of * 
Apollo's anger was foretold to the Grecians, 
and that Troy would be taken in ten years : 
this, I grant yoir, is divination ; but if what 
I mentioned before is to be called by that name, 
I can be a prophet myfelf ; for I will divine 
and foretel, and without Caftalian water, laurel, 
or Delphic tripod, that if a man walks naked 
in the cold, whilft it rains and hails, he Ihall 
be feized with a violent ihivering, and, which 
is more wonderful, fhall grow very hot after- 
wards : this I could affert, with a thoufand 
other fuch things, too ridiculous to mention. 
Let us, therefore, I befeech you, have no 
more of this defence, or this divination : what 
you faid, indeed, at firll, we may poffibly ad- 
mit, and allow that you knew nothing yonrfelf 
about what you talked of, the verfcs being 
didtafed to you by a divine infpiration; but 
this is a poor argument, as it will never ac- 
count for half the Mufes' promife being ful- 
filled, and the -j- other half never performed. 

* Jfio/lo^s anger.] Sec Homer's ]\\ad, ix. 6^. 

f The other, fe'r.] The dialogue, which Was ju ft grow- 
ing warm and lively, here ends moil abruptly, and is a con- 
vincing proof that this' piece is nothing. but a fragment: 
time or accident have ftolen away the reft of^ it. 

O 2 THE 


* W I S H E S, 


The Abfurdity of human WiJJm has heen the Object 
of much deferved Satire ^ both in ancient and mo^ 
dern 'Times : amongfl thofe which place them in 
the mqfi ridiculous Light, may be reckoned the 
following Dialogue, a Kind of Counterpoint to 
the Tenth Satire of Juvenal. 



DID not I fay it would be eafier for a vul- 
tur to abflain from a rotten carcafe, than 
for Timolaus to keep away from a new fight, 
though he were to run for it without drawing 
breath from hence to Corinth ? fo fond, my 
dear friend, are you of fpecflacles, and fo in- 
duftrious in the fearch after them. 


What, my good Lycinus, would you have 

* A little dramatic piece, which bore the fame title, ap- 
peared fdme years ago on our flage, wherein the fubjeft 
was handled with much wit and humour, written, if I am 
not miftaken, by the very ingenious editor of the bell edi- 
tion of Gray's Poems, Mr. R. Bentley. 

The wishes. 197 

an idle man do, who had jult heard that an 
immenfe fliip was juft now anchor'd in the f 
Pir^us, one of thofe that bring corn into Italy 
out of Egypt : I will be hanged if you and 
Samippus did not come on the fame errand. 
L Y C I N U S. 
That we certainly did, and Adimantus fol- 
lowed us ; but where he is now I know not, 
for we loft him in the croud : we came to the 
fliip together, and when we got on board, Sa- 
mippus, I think, was firft, and behind you 
was Adimantus, I followed him with my hand 
in his, I had my ihoes on, and he was with- 
out, and led me all about ; but fince that time 
I have never fet eyes on him, either on board, 
or iince we came on Ihore. 

Do you recolle<ft, Lyclnus, when we firft 
mifled him ? I believe it was when that pretty 
girl came out of the cabbin, drefled in white 
linen, with her hair tied behind, and quite 
back from her forehead : if I know any thing 
of Adimantus, at fuch a fight as this he would 

-j- Piraus.] One of the famous havens at Athens, near 
the lower city, it had three docks, five large porticos ad- 
joining to it, and a forum, or mart, to which merchants 
reforted from every port of Greece. This harbour was 
burnt by Sylla in the Mithridatic war. 

O 3 foon 

1^/8 The WISHES. 

foon leave the man who was fhewing Kim the 
Egyptian fhip, and fall a-crying, as he ufed to 
do ; for he is mighty apt to Ihed tears, you 
know, whenever he falls in love, 

L Y C I N U S. 

The girl did not feem to me fo very hand- 
fome as that Ihe muft needs ftrike a man like 
Adamantus, who is ufed to fo many fine women 
at Athens of good underftanding, and liberal 
education, fuch as a n^.an need not blufh to cry 
after; but this girl, befides being of a dark 
complexion, had thick lips, thick legs, dif- 
agreeable voice, and fpoke too fait ; Ihe feemed 
of Greece, had a hiffing in her fpeech, and 
* her hair curled in fuch a manner as fliewed 
ihe was a perfon of no rank. 

T I M O L A U S, 

That might be a mark, for aught you know, 
of ^Egyptian nobility ; amongft them, I be- 
lieve, the hair is always drelfed fo, whilft they 
are young, though our anceftors thought it 

* Her hah-.'] A lady of quality in Greece, we fee, 
might be known by her head-drefs : the women of fafhion 
amonuft us have been at no little pains and expence to 
preferve this fubordination, but in vain, for the lower order 
ape their betters fo well, and wear their heads fo high, 
tliat it is ve^y difficult, at prefent, to diftinguifii a woman 
ci'ilie'fiiit rank from her chambcrmaido 


Tf5 wishes, 199 

handfcmer to wear It In a knot, and bind it 
with a golden f grafshopper. 


You put me In mind of what | Thucydldes 
fays in his preface about our ancient luxury, 
which we borrowed from the lonians. 
L Y C I N U S. 

I remember now where we left Adimantus, 
it was certainly in the fhip, when we flood by 
the main-maft admiring the number of ropes, 
and the failor climbing up the rigging, and 
mounting to the fail -yard. 


I believe you are right : what are we to do ? 

muft we wait here? or fhall we go back to 

the fhip ? 


B) no means ; let us go on ; it is moft likely 

in the hurry and buflle he is got into the city 

before us, not being able to find us out; be 

that as it will, Adimantus knows his way, there 

is no danger of his being loft. 

L Y C I N U S. 
It may not be quite right to leave our friend 

■f- Grafshopper .'\ The grafshopper was worn in the 
hair by the Athenians as emblems that they were Kvroy^wiz^ 
fprung from the earth, or defcendents from the firft in- 
habitants of Athens. 

X Thucydldes. "l See book i. 

O 4 and 


The W I S H E S. 

and go home without him, however, if Sa- 
mippus chufes it, come along. 

S A M I P P U S. 
Certainly ; perhaps the palseflra may be 
open ; in the mean time, what think you of 
this lliip ? is not it an immenfe thing? the 
mafter told us it was a hundred and twenty 
cubits long, and above a fourth part as broad, 
and from the higheft part of the deck to the 
bottom of the link, which is the loweft part, 
twenty-nine deep : what a prodigious maft it 
has, what a fail- yard it fupports, and what to 
draw it up and down ! how the prow fwells 
gradually into a circular form, and carries a 
golden eagle at the top ; at the other end rifes 
the ftern, and on each fide, in juft proportion, 
is a fitrure of the goddefs Ifis, from whom the 
fhip takes her name : the ornaments, paintings, 
red flreamers, and, above all, the anchors, the 
various cords and inftrumcnts, the rooms in the 
ftern, are all worthy of the higheft admiration; 
the number of failors in her may be compared 
to an army, and fl:»e is faid to have brought corn 
enough to fupply the inhabitants of Attica for 
a whole year; and yet one little old man go- 
verns all this with a fmall pole, which he guides 
the helm by, a bald- pate fellow; they ftiewed 

him to me, his name, I think, is Heron. 

T li 

The wishes. 201 


He underftands his bufinefs well, the failors 
told me, and, in the knowlege of maritime af- 
airs, is fuperior to Proteus himfelf ; you have 
heard, I fuppofe, how he brought the fhip in, 
what happened to them in their voyage, and 
how they were faved by a ftar. 

L Y C I N U S, 

Never : I (hould be glad if you would let me 
know how it was, 


The mafter told it me ; he feemed a good 
fort of a man, and very civil : after fetting fail, 
he faid, with a pretty fair wind, on the feventh 
day they came in fight of ^ Acamas, from 
Vk'hcnce, by a contrary wind, they were driven 
back to Phoenicia ; and on the tenth, a great 
ftorm coming on, they were blown to the Che- 
lidonian ifland, where they were very near be- 
ing all drowned. I have failed that way myfelf, 
and remember that there ufed to be a prodi- 
gious furge there, efpecially when the wind, 
blew fouth-weft, when it generally happens 
that the Lycian fea is divided from the Pam- 
phylian, and the waves break in fuch a man- 
ner upon the fliarp rocks, with a mofi: dread- 

• ^camas.'l The weft promontory of the iiland of Cy- 
prus, now Capo Epiphanio. 


202 The wishes. 

ful noife, and rife to fuch a height that they 
feem as large as the rocks themfelves, and upon 
a level with them ; hither, he told me, they 
were driven in the midfl of a night totally 
dark ; when, by the mercy of the gods, com- 
paffionating their unhappy condition, a fire ap- 
peared from Lycia, which fhewed them where 
they were, and at the fame time a bright ftar, 
^ Caftor or Pollux, ihone at the top of the 
main-maft, and diredled them to put off to fea, 
as they were on the point of dalhing againft the 
rock. From thence getting out of their right 
way, they crolTed the JEgean, feventy days after 
leaving Egypt, the north-eaft blowing full 
againft them ; they arrived yeflerday at the 
Pir^us, inftead of leaving Crete on their right 
and pafiing Malea, which, before this time, 
would have brought them into Italy, 
L Y C I N U S. 
This Heron, who was carried fo much out of 
his way, mull, however, be an excellent pilot, 
another J Nereus, indeed : but flop, is not that 
Adimantus yonder ? 

^- Ca/Ior, £5V.] See de Mercede Conducl. lib. i. 

X ^i^i'-reus-l A famous fea-god, more ancient than Nep- 
tune himfelf. ApoUodorus tells us that his refidence was 
in the jligcan fea, for which reafon, I fuppofe (and I can 
fee no other), he is here introduced by Lucian, the fcene 
lying in that quarter, 

T I- 

The wishes. 203 


It is certainly he : let us call him. What 
ho ! Adimantus ! come here : you I mean, 
Adimantus the Myrrhinufian, fon of Strobichus. 
L Y C I N U S. 

Either he is affronted at us, or he has lofl his 

hearing ; for it is moft certainly he, and can 

be nobody elfe : I fee him plainly now ; it is 

his coat, his walk, and his hair clofe fliaved; 

let us get on and overtake him. Adimantus, 

if we do not lay hold on you, you will not take 

notice of us : you feem in deep meditation, 

wrapped up in fome great and important bufi- 



O nothing melancholy, I affure you, but I 

was fo deep in thought that I never heard you. 

L Y C I N U S. 

What upon ^ I beg you will tell us, unlefs 

it is fomething that muft not be revealed : 

though we are of the initiated, you know, and 

have learned to keep a fecret. 


In truth what I was thinking about is fuch a 

childifh thing, I am alhamed to tell it you. 

L Y C I N U S. 

Is it a love affair r If it be, you may truft us, 

we are none of the profane, I affure you, but are 


204 The WISHES. 

initiated Into thofe myfleries, and * carry the 
torch ourfelves. 


It is nothing of that kind, my friend ; but I 
had juft got pofl'effion of a great treafure, what 
people call the imaginary Ifland of the BlelT- 
ed, and juft as I had reached the pinnacle of 
riches and pleafure, yea broke in upon me. 
L Y C I N U S. 

Well : "j- Mercury, as they fay, is common 
to all : bring your riches and lay them down be- 
fore us ; Adimantus's friends have a right to par- 
take of his pleafures. 


You may remember, Lycinus, I had placed 
you fafely in the fliip, when you all left mc, 
and whilft I was taking the dimenlions of the 
anchor, you efcaped me; after feeing every 
thing, I afked one of the failors what might 
be the annual profit of that fliip to the mafter ; 
he told me, at the loweft computation, it could 
not be lefs than ;}: twelve Attic talents. Reflec- 
ing on this when I came away, I faid to myfelf, 
if fome god now Ihould on a fudden put me in 

* Cany^ ^c] Alluding to the priefts carrying the 
torches in the rites of Ceres. 

t Mercury^ if^c] See Cafaub. ad Theoph. Char. p. 250. 
X T-zveI've.'] Upwards of 2000 1. 


The wishes. 205 

poffeflion of this Ihip, what a happy life Ihould 
I lead, and how well could I ferve my friends, 
fometimes going to fea myfelf, and fometimes 
fending my fervants. * I then, with my twelve 
talents, began immediately to build a houfe in 
a good fituation, a little above the Psecile, and 
leaving my paternal eflate at IlilTus, bought 
ilaves, fine cloaths, horfes, and chariots ; I then 
fet fail, and was confidered as the happiefl of 
men by the paflengers, dreaded by the failors, 
and, refpeded like a little king by every one 
of them ; when, behold ! juft as 1 was fettling 
my naval affairs, and looking out at a diftance 
for the haven, whilft my iliip moved on with 
a propitious gale, you came in, and funk all 
my treafures to the bottom. 

L Y C I N U S. 
Indeed, moft noble Adimantus, you fhould 
take me up and carry me before the emperor, 
as a pirate, for robbing you in this manner, 
and in the very harbour too. But I will make 
you amends ; you fhall have, if you pleafe, 
five vefTels, larger and handfomer than this 
-Egyptian, and what is more, they ihall be 
fo contrived as never to fink; thefe fhall every 

* / then, &"<:.] This is like the llory told in the Arabian 
Night's Entertainments, and Gay's fable of the Old Wo- 
man and her Eggs. • 


2o6 The WISHES* 

one of them bring corn five times in every year : 
then, I fear, my moft excellent pilot, there will 
be no bearing you indeed. You, who with 
only one Ihip, could not hear us when we called 
after you, when you have got five befides, all 
with three fails, and veffels that can never fink, 
will never deign to look upon us again : how- 
ever, away with you, my friend, fet fail imme- 
diately. As for us we Ihall fit in the Piraeus, 
and aik all thofe who come out of Egypt or 
Italy, whether any of them have feen the Ifis, 
the great Ihip that bejongs to Adimantus, 

-f Look here, now : was not I right to fi:op ? 
1 knew you would laugh at my ridiculous wifh ; 
but I will flay till you are gone on, and then 
fet fail again. I had better keep company with 
failors than be made a jefl of by you. 
L Y C I N U S. 

No, no : we will flay and go on board with 



That you fhall not : for I will get in firfl, and 

draw up the ladder. 

L Y C I N U S. 

Then we will fwim after you : do you think 

f Look here.] Gr. 'Ofa?; our phrafe, it is obfervable, 
asfwers exadly to the original. 


The wishes. 207 

you Ihall get fo many fine fliips, which you 
have neither bought nor built, with all this 
eafe, and that we cannot perfuade the gods to 
let us have the privilege of fwlmming a few 
leagues without being tired ? You may remem- 
ber, when we went the other day to ^gina, to 
Diana's feaft, what a little boat we crofled over 
in, for four farthings, all of us together : you 
were not alhamed then to keep company with 
us ; but- now you are angry, and want to draw 
up the ladder after you. Indeed, friend Adi- 
mantus, you grow too proud : you are fo great 
a commander, that you do not know who you 
are ; fo elated with this fine houfeyou have got 
in the fined part of the city, and the Haves 
you have bought : but, by Ifis, I befeech you, 
my dear friend, bring us out of ^gypt fome 
of their Nilotic * pickle, a few of their rao-s, 
a little ointment from Canopus, an j- ibis from 
Memphis, or, if your fliip is able to carry. it, 
one of the pyramids. 

* Nilotic pickle,'] Probably what the ^Egyptians preferve 
their mummies in. 

■j- Ibis.] A kind of iiork, peculiar to jEgypt, and, as 
we are told, vvorfhipped by the inhabitants, probably, be- 
caufe it deftroyed the pernicious lerpents which infefted that 

IIU pavet Saturam ferpentibus Ibin. Juv. Sat, 

T U 

208 The WISHES. 

T I M O L A U S. 

Lycinus, we have carried the jeft far enougli : 
you fee how poor Adimantus blufhes ; his fhip 
is drowned with laughter ; it can never refill 
the force of the waves : but as we have ftill a 
good way home, let us divide it into four 
parts, and every one employ his fhare in wilh- 
ing for fomething from the gods ; it will make 
the time feem fhorter, and, by indulging thefe 
pleafant dreams, we Ihall divert ourfelves. 
Every one Ihall wilh for what he likes ; and we 
will fuppofe the gods ready to grant it us, be it 
ever fo flrange or improbable. We ihall have 
one advantage, at leaft, from it, that we Ihall 
know what ufe every man will make of his 
riches, and how he would behave if he could 
get pofleffion of them. 


Timolaus, I heartily approve of your fcheme, 
and, when it comes to my turn, Ihall be ready 
to make my wifhes known. I need not alk 
Adimantus whether he will join us in it, as he 
has already one foot on board his veffel. I.y- 
Ginus, I doubt not, will be of the party. 

If we muft all be rich, be it fo : I confent, 
that I may not be thought capable of oppofing 

the common felicity. 

A DI- 

The wishes. 209 

Well : who fhall begin ? 

L Y C I N U S. 
You fliall Ipeak firft ; after you, Samippus ; 
aiid after him, Timolaus : when we have got 
to the double gate, within half a ftadium, I 
will begin, and vvifli away as faft as I can. 

Well, I will even flick to my Ihip ; but, 
as 1 have now full power, I may as well ex- 
tend my wifh a little. May the bountiful Mer- 
cury be propitious to us all; may my flilp, 
and every thing in it, palTengers, women, 
failors, and the whole freight, be in my pof- 

fefllon ! 

You forget who is on board with you. 

O, you mean the little girl with her hair tied 
up : may fhe be mine alfo; and may evefy 
grain of wheat be turned into gold, and be- 
come fo many Darius's ! 

L Y C I N U S. 
Why, Adimantus, 3'ou will fink the fliip : 
you forget how much heavier gold is than 



Pr'ythee, Lycinus, do not envy me my trea- 
fures : when it comes to your turn to wifli, you 

Vol. IV. P may 

210 The wishes. 

may change what you pleafe into gold, I Ihall 
never fay a word againfl it. 

L Y C I N U S. 

I only meant it for your fecurity, left we 
fliould all go to the bottom along with it ; 
though, as for us, indeed, it would be no great 
matter ; but your pretty girl cannot fwim, 

Never trouble yourfelf about that, Lycinus ; 
the dolphins will carry her fafe to land, I war- 
rant you. Do not you remember how a cer- 
tain * fidler was paid for his piping, and faved 
by them ? did they not carry f another young 
man, when he was dead, to the Iflhmus ? and 
do you think fome good dolphin or other 
would not fall in love with this new purchafe 
of Adamantus's ? 


Timolaus, you are juft like Lycinus, turn- 

* F/W/tr.] Alluding to the well-known ftory of Arion 

and the Dolphins. See Luclan's Dial. Marin, where it is 

; told at large. Plutarch very gravely affures us, that it is 

literally true, and produces it as an inftance of the great 

friendfhip and regard which dolphins have for men. 

t l^oung man.] Melicertus, fon of Athamas, king of 
Thebes, whom he fled from, to avoid his perfecution, and 
threw himfelf into the fea : a dolphin, it feems, received 
him on Ifis back, and carried him to the Ifthmus of Co- 
rinth, where Siiiphus buried hipi, changed his name into 
that of Palemon, and inflitutijd, in honour of him, the 
Ifihmian games. 


The wishes. an 

ing things into ridicule, and laughing at our 
fcheme, though you were yourfelf the firft pro- 
moter of it. 

T I M O L A U S. 

Methinks it would be more convenient if 
you could find all this treafure under your bed, 
that you might not have fo much trouble in 
removing out of the fhip into the city. 

You are right ; it Ihall be dug out from un- 
der the ftone Mercury in our hall ; a thoufand 
meafures of ftamped gold : but now, for the 
houfe firil, as * Hefiod advifes, it ihall be moft 
fplendid : I will buy up every thing round the 
city, except what belongs to the Illhmian, Py- 
thian, and Eleufinian rites ; near the Ifthmus, 
perhaps, I may purchafe a little tradt, for the 
fake of feeing the games; I muft have, befides, 
a field near Sicyon ; wherever, in ihort, in all 
Greece, there is a fpot (hady, fruitful, or well- 
watered, it lliall quickiy be in the poflTeffion of 
Adimantus. I will have gold to eat off, and 
heavy cups, like thofe of Echechrates, that 
Ihall weigh, at lead, two talents each. 
L Y C I N U S. 

But how will your cup-bearer be able to lift 

* HeJiod.'\ Omov (/.£ii Trpo) Tis-cc, ^c. See the Works and 
Days, 1, 405. 

P 2 it? 

212 The wishes. 

it ? or, how will you yourfelf, without a great 
deal of trouble, take up fuch an immenfe thing, 
that muilbe more like -f Sifyphus's ftone than a 

drinking mug ! 


Pr*ythee, do not interrupt me in my wifh. 
I w^ill have tables of folid gold, and golden 
beds ; aye, and if you will not let me alone, 
my fervants fiiall be gold too. 

L Y C I N U S. 

Take care that your meat and drink is not 
turned into gold alfo, and, like I Midas, in 
the midft of all your riches, you perilh with 


When you come to wifn, yourfelf, we Ihall 
fee whether you are more rational, or not : 
in the mean time I will have a purple garment^, 
my coftly viands, and fweet (lumbers : friends 
will come to falute me, to pay their refpedts, 
and entreat favours of me : crouds of people 

+ Sifyphus's fo7ic.'] The punifhment of Sityphus in hell, 
was to roll a great ftone, of immenfe fize, up a fteep hill, 
and when it had rolled down again, to leturn to the fame 
fruitlefs labour. 

X Midas."] Every thing which Midas touched turned into 
gold, as Swift humorouily expreffes it : 
A nonpareil that went his lip in, 
Would flrait become a golden pippin, &;c. 
See the Itory in Ovid's Met. book xi. 


The W I S H E S. 213 

lliall walk early in the morning about my door, 
and amongft them Cleaenetus and Democrates, 
thofe great men ; and when they defire to be 
admitted firft to my prefence, I will have feven 
tall Barbarian porters, who fhall ihut the door 
againfl them, as they do their's againft other's. 
I, when it fhall feem good to me to arife, fliall 
come forth like the iun, and fome of them I 
fhall not deign to look at : but, if I fliould fee 
a poor man there, fuch a one as I was myfelf 
before my profperity, him will I embrace cor- 
diall)', order him to bathe, and come, at the 
proper time, to fup with me. The rich fhall 
be ready to burft when they fee my horfes, 
chariots, and beautiful young women : then 
will I be ferved in gold, for filver is too bafe 
a metal, and beneath me. I will have my fait 
meats and my oil from Spain, my wine from 
Italy ; my honey fhall not be * fmoaked : I 
will have boars, hares, and other fine eatables 
from all parts ; my hens fliall come from 

* Smoaked.'\ The common method of gathering honey 
was then, as, 1 beUeve, it is now, by making a fiie at the 
mouth of the hive, and Imothering the bees, which pro- 
bably gave a fmoky tafte to the honey ; but the finer fort, 
or mcl Atticum, we are told, coUiquetatur fine fumo, was 
gathered without fmoak, i. e. by fome other method.— 
Cum eximuntur nieUa, fays Pliny, apes abigi fumo utiliffi- 
mum :— fervatur quod Acapnon dicitur. 

P 3 Phafis, 

214 The W I S H E S. 

A" Phalis, my peacocks from India, my cocks 
from Africa : thofe who are to drefs them for 
me fhall be learned fophifis, and well fkillcd 
in cooking and fauces of every kind. When 
I |; drink to any body, and he pledges me, 
he fhall take the cup away with him. Thofe 
who now call themfelves rich, fhall be all beg- 
gars to me : no more fhall Dionicus fliew off 
his filver diihes and cups ; efpecially when he 
fees my fervants eat and drink out of as good. 
The whole city fhall tafte of my bounty ; tor 
1 intend to make prefents every month, to 
every native an hundred drachmas, and to flran- 
,gers half as much. I w^ill repair and adorn the 
public theatres and baths : the fea fhall come 
up to the double gate, and the water fliall be 
brought up from the harbour in a large ditch, 
fo that my fhip may lay up clofe by mc, and 
be feen even from the * Ceramicus. My 

-j- Phajis.] From whence comes phafianus, the pheafiint, 
j.e. of the pheafant khid. 

I Wljcn I drinky fe'f.] This piece of pageantry was of- 
ten pra£tifed at feftivals amongft our anceftors, and, to this 
day, makes a part of the coronation ceremony, when the 
kin':^ drinks ro the champion of England, who receives tiie 
cup, and takes it home with him. 

* Ccramicui.^ A place within the city of Athens, con- 
tainir.g temples, theatres, porticos : there was likewife an- 
other place" lb called in the iuburbs, which was a pubhc bu- 
rving-place, and from which there was probably a dillant 
view of the harbour, 


The W I S H E S. 215 

friends here will not be forgotten : to Samip- 
pn- ^ fhall order my ftevvard to deliver twenty 
meaiures of damped gold ; to Timolaus five -f- 
chcenixes ; to Lyciniis but one, and that clip- 
ped, becaufe he is a prater, and makes a jeft 
of my wiih. This is the life I mean to lead 
when I grow rich, enjoying myfelf freely, and 
revelling in pleafure and delight. I have done ; 
and may Mercury grant what I have defired ! 
L Y C I N U S. 

But, all this while, know you not by how 
{lender a thread all thefe riches hang ? if once 
that breaks, every thing is gone, and your heap 
of treafures is reduced to afhes. 


What do you m.ean ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

I mean, it is very uncertain how long you 
may live to enjoy them : who knows, but as 
foon as you are fet down to your golden table, 
before you have touched any thing at it, be- 
fore you have tafted your pea-hen, or your 
African cock, your breath may be flopped, 
and you left a prey to crows and vulturs. Need 

t Chanix.] A meafure containing two fextarii, or four 
cotulae. A norvXvi, according to Arbuthnot's Attic meafures 
of liquids, was half a pint ; the chsenix, therefore, con- 
tained two quarts, 

P 4 I call 

2i6 The WISHES. 

I call to 3 our remembrance numbers who have 
died without ever enjoying their wealth, and 
others whom fome envious daemon has deprived 
of their riches even in their life-time ? Did 
you never hear of Cr^fus and Pclycratcs, who 
were cut off from all their profperiry in a very 
Ihort fpace of time ? But, to pafs over this, 
who fnall promife you health and ftrength for 
years to come ? have you never feen the rich 
laid up with dreadful difordcrs, fome fcarce able 
to walk, others blind, others afflicfled with 
fome fecret and cruel difquietude ? You would 
not, I am fure, for all his riches, fufFcr what 
Phanomachus did, or wifh to be effeminate like 
hini ; not to mention that envy and hatred 
which are ever attendant on the great, and the 
fnares perpetually laid for them. Do not you 
perceive already how much trouble thefe riches 
bring along with them ? 

A D r M A N T U S. 
Lycinus, you are always teizing me, and 
finding fault : I declare, you fliall not have 
the chaife I ordered for you. 


Aye : that is like the rich, promife and dif- 
appoint. But now, Samippus, tor your wifh. 
I am an inland man, an Arcadian, as you 


The wishes. 217 

well know, from Mantinea. I Ihall not wifli 
for a fhip, therefore ; which, if I had, 1 could 
not fliew to my fellow-citizens : nor will I afk 
for fuch trifling things as riches, of the gods ; 
(Timolaus has told us they can do all things, 
and will deny us nothing; according to his 
plan we are to afk for what we pleafe :) I am 
refolved, therefore, to be a king; not fuch a 
one as Alexander, or Ptolemy, or Mithridates, 
or any of thofe who inherited kingdoms from 
their fathers : I would begin, from -^ rapine 
and plunder, with twenty or thirty brave and 
faithful companions -, by degrees, three or four 
hundred more ihall join us ; then a thoufand ; 
and foon after ten thoufand ; till at length I 
had got fifty thoufand armed men, and five 
thoufand horfe : then would I be chofen una- 
nimoufiy their commander, as a pcrfon mofl 
able to rule and direcft every thing. Thus 
railed, by my merit, to the fupremacy, I fliould 
be much above other kings, not heir to an- 
other who had acquired the kingdom for me. 

* Rapine.'] This conveys to us a true idea of the ambi- 
tious man : it is not rlie inheriting, but acquiring a kincr- 
dom, by means jufl; or unjuH, which will give him I'atis- 
faftion. Cromwell had much more pleafure in the ufurpa- 
tion of fovereign power, than his fon ever enjoyed in fuc- 
ceeding to it. 


2i8 The WISHES. 

This would be equal to all Adimantus's trea- 
fures ; nor can any thing be fo defireable as to 
gain an empire for one's felf. 

L Y C I N U S. 

This is, indeed, Samippus, the fummit of 
all earthly happinefs; to have the command of 
fo many brave men, and to be deemed the 
worthieft by fifty thoufand warriors. We never 
imagined that Mantinea could ever have pro- 
duced fo admirable a fovereign. Take polTef- 
fion of your empire, lead on your foldiers, ca- 
parifon your horfes, and prepare your fhield- 
bearers : I long to know which way your Ar- 
cadians are to go, or what poor wretches you 
mean to fall upon firft. 


Hear me, Lycinus ; or, rather, if you will, 
follow me : for I fhall make you captain of a 
troop of five thoufand horfe. 


Moft humbly, I return your majefty thanks 
for the honour, * a la Perfanne, fee, I bend 
my head, place my hands behind me, and wor.p 
lliip your tiara : but, for heaven's fake, give 
your troop to one of thefe flrong fellovv^s here in 
my Ik ad ; for I abhor riding, and never was 

• Ala Perfanne.'] Gr. e? to IlEfo-tJioy. 


The wishes. 219 

on horfcback in my life. I am afraid, when 
the trumpet founds to battle, I fhould dread 
being thrown off and trod under foot by fo 
many hoofs, or that fome fiery horfe fhould 
run away with me into the midft of the enemy, 
and I mufl be tied to the faddle, or fhould 
never be able to hold the rein. 

I will be your horfe-officer, Samippus : let 
Lycinus command your right wing. I think 1 
deferve fome good preferment for all the flamp- 
ed gold I juft now beflowed on j'ou. 

I mufl afk my men whether they will chufe 
to have you for their leader. *' Ail you that arc 
for receiving Adimantus as commander, hold 
up your hands." They are all for you to a man, 
you fee, therefore take the command ; you, 
Lycinus, take the right wing ; Timolaus fhall 
be preferred to the left ; I will fland in the 
center, as the Perfian kings do when they re- 
ceive ambafTadors ; and now, let us proceed, 
after putting up our prayers to Jove the Pre- 
ferver, towards Corinth, and when we have fub- 
dued all Greece (for nobody will oppofe fuch a 
numerous army, whom we fliall not with the 
greatefl eafe overcome), getting on board our 


220 The wishes. 

Ihips, and placing our horfes on proper car- 
riages, the Cenchreans having already pro- 
vided corn, Ihipping, and every thing for us, 
we fail through the ^gean into Ionia ; then, 
facrificing to Diana, and taking a number of 
cities, unwalled and undefended, we leave go- 
vernors in them, and pafs through Caria into 
Syria, Lycia, Pamphylia, Pifids, and the 
mountainous parts of Cilicia, till we come to 
the Euphrates. 

L Y C I N U S. 
I wifh, if you pleafe, O king, that you would 
leave me behind you, as Satrap of Greece : 
for I am a littk timid, and would not chufe to 
be fo far from home ; you feem to be going 
againft the Parthians and i\.rmenians, warlike 
nations, and well-ikilled in the ufe of the bow ; 
if you think proper, therefore, you may give 
the command of the left wing to fomebody 
elfe, and let me remain your * Antipater in 
Greece, left, whilft I am leading your troops 
round by Sufa or Eadlria, an unlucky arrow 
may reach fome part that is uncovered, and 
make an end of me. 

* Jntipater."] Alluding to the hillory of Alexander the 
Great, who, when he failed to the Hellefpont, lett his ge- 
neral Anripater as his vicegerent in Europe. 

S A- 

The W I S H E S. 22s 

S A M I P P U S. 

Lycinus, I am afraid you are a coward : the 
law fays, he who quits his ranks muft be pu- 
nilhed with death ; but now we are got to the 
Euphrates, and every thing is fafe behind, my 
governors are all appointed over every people, 
whom I have fubdued ; others are difpatched 
to reduce Phoenicia, Palseftine, and Egypt, 
you therefore may pafs firft over the bridge of 
boats : I fliall follow you, and, after me, Ti- 
molaus, and laft of all, you Adimantus muft 
take care of the horfe : throughout Mefopota- 
mia nobody will dare to oppofe us, but all vo- 
luntarily furrender up themfelves and their for- 
treffes, proceeding then to Babylon, we lliall 
get uncxpedtedly within their walls, and take 
the city by furprize : the king, who is at Cteli- 
phon, hears of the invafion, he goes to Seleu- 
cia, and prepares himfelf with a large body of 
horfe, archers, and (lingers ; my fpies are come 
back, and inform me that a hundred millions 
of fighting men are got together, two hundred 
thoufand of them fkilled in throwing darts from 
on horfeback, though the Armenians, the Bac- 
trians, and thofe who inhabit near the Caf- 
pian fea were not yet come up : fo many thou- 
fands, however, without thefe, has he colleded 
together only in the reighbourhood of the 

City i 

222 The wishes. 

city; It behoves us therefore, my friends, to 
look about us, and fee what is to be done im- 

1 think your foot forces fhould retire to Ctefi- 
phon, whilft I ftay here with the horfe to take 
care of Babylon. 

Even you, I find, Adimantus, when you are 
in a poft of danger begin to tremble ; but what 
fays Timolaus ? 

T I M O L A U S. 
That we fhould fall upon the enemy with 
our whole army, and not wait till they are rein- 
forced, and better prepared for us ; let us at- 
tack them whilil their allies are on the march 



You are in the right. Lycinus, what think 

you ? 


My opinion is, that, as we are fatigued with 
our walk down to the Piraeus, and have already 
gone about thirty fladia, the fun being very 
hot, for it isjuft in the meridian, we had bet- 
ter reft ourfelves a little fome where amongft 
thefe olives, fit down upon that broken pillar, 
then get up, and make the bcft of our way 


S A- 

The wishes. 223 

You are got to Athens, my good friend, 
when you Ihould be at Babylon, fitting down 
before the walls, and planning out the battle. 

L y C I N u s. 

True : you have refreflied my memory ; I 
thought I had been in my fober fenfes. But 
come, it is your turn to fpeak. 

I am for the attack, if you think proper ; be- 
have now like men, and be mindful of your 
country ; the enemy is coming on. Mars is the 
word ; as foon as the trumpet founds, fet up a 
fhout, flrike your iliields with the fpears, and 
rulh in upon them, do not give them room 
to aim their darts at us. Now we are engag- 
ed : Timolaus with his left wing has routed the 
Medes; with my troops the fate of the day is 
yet uncertain ; the Perfians fight bravely, and 
their king is amongft them ; but, fee, the 
whole Barbarian cavalry comes upon our right 
wing ; now, Lycinus, be a man, and prepare 
your forces for the onfet. 

How unfortunate ! the whole cavalry coming 
on, and nobody worth their attacking but Lycl- 
ous ; if they perfift in it, I muft e'en run away 


224 The WISHES. 

to the Pal^flra, and leave you here to fight the 
battle by yourfelves. 

S A M I P P U S. 

By no means, for you fhall be vidlorious : 
you fee I am going to have a fingle combat 
vyith the king ; he has challenged me, and it 
would be cowardly to decline it. 

L Y C I N U S. 

By Jove, you will foon be wounded by him : 
to be wounded ia fighting for a kingdom is 
truly royal. 

S A M I P P U S. 

You are right ; I have a flight wound, but it 
is not in a part of the body that can be feen, 
nor will the fear disfigure me hereafter; but 
only obferve how I have transfixed him and 
his horfe at one flroke with my fpear, cut 
off his head, took away his crown, and am 
made king in his fl:ead : the Barbarians bow 
down and worlhip me; but I fhall rule Hke a 
Grecian, and be called emperor. Now only 
confider how many cities I fliall build, and call 
them by my own name ; how many of thofe 
which I have taken by force of arms, I fliall 
lay wafte and utterly deftroy, if they do any 
thing againft my empire : above all, I ihall 
not forget to punifh my neighbour Cydias, 
who took pofTeffion of my field by violence, 
and turned me out of it. 

L y. 

The W I S H E S. 525 

L Y C I N U S. 

Now, Samippus, you may have done; It 
IS time for you, after fuch a battle, to take a 
little refrelhment, and celebrate your victory 
with a feaft at Babylon : befides that, your 
empire is a little out of * bounds, and it is 
Timolaus's turn to give us his wilh. 


Well, but what do you think of mine ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

I think, O mofl admirable fovereign, that it 
is worfe than Adimantus's, there was more la- 
bour and violence in ^t ; for he lived well, and 
gave away his golden cups of two talents weight 
amongll his friends, whilft you have been 
wounded, and full of tears and folitude day 
and night; you were not only afraid of the 
enemy, but of a thoufand confpiracies from 
thofe about you, envy, hatred, and flattery, 
perpetually furrounding you ; not one true 
friend near, but only fuch as are complaifant, 
merely from their hopes or fears. You had 
not fo much as a dream of pleafure, nothing 
but empty glory, a purple and gold robe, a 
white garland to bind your temples, and guards 

* Bounds.] i. e. Your wifli is rather too long, and you 
have ipent more lime in reciting it than comes to your 

Vol. IV. CL walking 

226 The WISHES. 

walking before you : with thefe, infufferable 
toil, and perpetual difquietude, when you were 
to treat with ambafladors from the enemy, to 
adt as a judge, or to difpenfe orders to your 
fubjedls. Some of your conquered nations al- 
ways revolting, or fome neighbour invading 
your empire ; dreading every thing, fufpedt- 
ing every thing, and, in Ihort, appearing happy 
and contented to every body but yourfelf. Add 
to this, which is no little misfortune, that you 
are as liable to ficknefs and difeafe as the loweft 
of mankind ; a fever pays no regard to a mo- 
narch, nor will death fland in awe of your guards; 
bur, whenever he thinks proper to come, feizes 
the weeping monarch, without paying the leaft 
refped: to his diadem. Thus cafl down from 
your envied height, and dethroned, you tread 
the fame path with the loweil: flave, and all you 
leave behind is a magnificent tomb, a proud co- 
lumn, or a lofty pyramid, the laft poor triumph 
of vain man, who cannot enjoy it. Thofe fta- 
tues and temples which are raifed, the mighty 
name which is acquired, moulder away quick- 
ly, and are no more; or, if they remain ever 
to long, what profit is it to thofe who can no 
longer be fcnfible of them ? You fee, my friend, 
what toils, anxiety, and. folicitude you would go 


The wishes. 227 

through whillt living, and what you would have 
to expe(5t after death. 

And now, Timolaus, it is your turn to form 
a wilh, fuperior, I hope, to their's, and fuch 
a one as may be exped:ed from a prudent and 
fenfible man like you. 


Obferve then, Lycinus, and take notice, 
whether I wilh for any thing unreafonable, or 
that can merit cenfure. Money, treafures, king- 
doms, wars, and empires, which you have fo 
defervedly condemned, I affure you, I fhall not 
aik for ; they are all worthlefs and infignificanr, 
pregnant with fears and dangers, and there is 
more uneafmefs and difquietude than joy or 
pleafure in them. 

I wilh Mercury would make me a prefent of 
a few rings endowed with feveral virtues, one of 
them Ihould make me always in perfed: health, 
invulnerable, and liable to no dillempers ; an- 
other with the power of rendering me invifible, 
like that of * Gyges : another lliould make 
live as ftrong as ten thoufand men, who Ihould 

* Gyges.} A fimple fliepherd of Lydia, who, by means 
ot a ring which rendered him invilible, debauched the wife 
ot Candaulcs the fovereign of Lydia, and got pollellion of his 
kingdom. The ftory is told at large by Tully, (after Plato,) 
in the third book of his OfGces. 

0^2 UQ| 

228 The WISHES. 

not be able to lift what I could carry with eafe; 
by another, I would be able to raife myfelf 
above the earth, and fly where I pleafed ; by 
another, I would fet every body to fleep when I 
thought proper, and every door {hould be open 
to me, every lock loofened, and every bolt 
drawn back wherever I came ; by virtue of an- 
other, and that the moft valuable of all, I 
would become, as foon as 1 put it on, the moft 
amiable and defirable of all mankind, info- 
much, <hat every body fhould be in love with 
me ; the women fhould all go mad for me, 
and happy fhould fhe be, whom I would deign 
to look upon, whilft thofe whom I flighted 
fhould hang themfelves, or die for grief; in 
fliort, I would be more beautiful than Hyacin- 
thus, Hylus, or Phaon. 

All thefe things would I have, not for a 
fliort fpace of time, like other men, but for a 
thoufand years, in a perpetual return of youth, 
fliaking off my old age every feventeen years, 
as the ferpCiits do. With thefe rings I could 
not poflibly be in want of any thing ; for all 
that belonged to others would be mine, when 
1 could open every gate, lay the keepers afleep, 
nnd, wherever I came, be invifible. If, amongft 
the Indians, or Hyperboreans, there was a re- 

The wishes. 229 

markable fpedVacle ; any thing I would wifli to 
pofTefs, any thing delicious to eat or drink, I 
ivould not take the trouble of having it brought 
to me, but fly thither, and enjoy it. If there 
was a flying dragon, or a phoenix that nobody 
elfe could get a fight of, I would go and fee it. 
I would find out the head of the Nile, all the 
uninhabitable parts of the world, and make a 
vifit to the Antipodes; I would be acquainted 
with the nature of the fl:ars and the moon, nay, 
and of the fun himfelf, as his heat could not 
affedt me. I could tell the fame day at Baby- 
lon, which would be moft delightful, who was 
conqueror at the Olympic games. I could dine, 
perhaps, in Syria, and fup in Italy : my ene- 
my, I could revenge myfelf on fecretly, by 
throwing down a fl:one, and knocking him o* 
the head : on the other hand, I could always 
make my friends happy, by fliowering gold up- 
on them in their fleep. If any rich fellow be- 
haved contemptuoufly or tyrannically, I would 
take him up a mile high in the air, and throw 
him down headlong. Then my love-intrigues, 
nobody could prevent or interrupt, as I could 
get in wherever I plealed, and lay every body 
to fleep, but thofe I wanted. How pleafant 
muft it be to overlook a battle, whilfl; one was 

CLa out 

i^Q The W I S H E S. 

out of the reach of danger ; and, if I thought 
proper, to come up to the conquerors, lay 
them faft afleep, and give vidory to the flying, 
and the vanquiflied ! Thus would life be no- 
thing but fport and entertainment to me, every 
thing would be mine, and I fliould feem a per- 
fect deity. Thus Ihould I be bleft with hap- 
pinefs which treachery could not deftroy, and 
length of days, uninterrupted by ficknefs or 

And now, Lycinus, what obje<flion have you 
to my vvifli ? 


O, none in the lead ; who would venture to 
find fault with a man that can fly, and is as 
llrong as ten thoufand common mortals ? But, 
pray, tell me, in all the nations you have flown 
over, have you ever met with a little mad old 
fellow, who was carried about by a little ring, 
could move whole mountains with the tip of 
his finger, and whom every body was in love 
with, though he was bald-pated, and had a 
hooked nofc ? There is another thing too, 
which I would aik you : how happens it that 
one ring could not do all this for you, but you 
mufl: needs load every finger of your left hand ; 
and be obliged, moreover, to call in the right 


The wishes. 23I 

to help you off with them. One thing, after all,- 
which is above all more neceflary than any thing 
elle, you feem to have forgot, and that is, a 
remedy for infanity : a dofe of hellebore might, 
perhaps, be of fervice to yon. 

T I M O L A U S. 

By and by we Ihall have your w^ih, it is to 
be hoped, and we fhall fee then whether, fevere 
as you are upon others, your own defires will be 
totally guiltlefs and irreprehenfible. 
L Y C I N U S. 

I have no occafion to wiHi now, for we arc 
got to the double gate ; what with my friend 
Samippus here fighting at Babylon, and Timo- 
laus dining at Syria, and fupping in Italy, all 
the time appointed for me is expired, which 
I am not forry for : I have no mind, after a 
ihort feaft of imaginary happinefs, to figh and 
be wretched, when I come back to my homely 
meal, as will foon be your fate, when all your 
treafures and delights are flown away, when 
you are driven from your thrones, waked out 
of your pleafant dream, and return to your own 
houfes, where you will find every thing very 
different. Like tragedy kings, who, after be- 
ing Creons and Agamemnons on the ftage, fre- 
quently ftarve at home ; then every thing will 
difpleafe you, efpecially Timolaus, who muft 
0^4 fall 

232 The WISHES. 

fall like another Icarus, when his wings are 
melted, and the rings are all flipped off his 
fingers. For my own part, I would not, to 
purchafe all your treafures, nay, and Babylon 
itfelf, lofe the pleafure which I have in laugh- 
ing at the ridiculous wiflies made by fuch a 
fet of wife philofophers. 

O N 

O N T H E 


This Letter contains a curious Account of a very 
extraordinary Chara^er^ who figured in the Time 
o/* Luc IAN ; it is fupported by the concurrent 
Tejlimony of fever al contemporary Authors, both 
Chrijlian and Heathen, The Singularity of this 
Impojior^s Exit, with the Circumjlances attending 
it mufi naturally, indeed, have attracted univerfal 
Notice, and may ferve withal to convince us that 
there is nothings however ahfurd, or unaccountable, 
which Ambition cannot di£iate, and the Love of 
Fame render Men capable of performing. 

Lucian to Cronius wifhes health. 

THE unfortunate Peregrinus, or Proteus 
(for fo he always chofe to ftyle himfelf), 
has at length met with the fare of his name- 
fake in * Homer ; for, after taking a thoufand 
Ihapes, he is at laft turned into fire : fuch was 
his infatiable thirft after glory. Yes, my 

• Homer.] Alluding to his defcrlption of Proteus, 
Inftant he wears, elufive of the rape, 
The mimic force of ev'ry favage fhape. 
Or glides with liquid lapfe a murm'ring ftream, 
Or wrapt in flame, he glows at ev'ry limb. 

See Pope's Homer's OdylTey, bouk iv. 1. 563. 


234 On the DEATH 

friend, this firft and greateft of men is reduced 
to a cinder, following the example of -f Empe- 
docles; with this difference only, that he feem- 
ed rather willing to conceal himfelf from the 
eyes of men, when he threw himfelf into the 
flames, whilft our noble hero chofe the moft 
public feftival, built a magnificent funeral-pile, 
and leaped in, before innumerable witneffes, 
after haranguing the Grecians, and acquainting 
them with his intention fome days before the 

Methinks I fee you laughing at the old man*s 
folly, and crying out, what madnefs, what ridi- 
culous vain glory ! with many other fuch ex- 
clamations, as circumftances of this kind natu- 
rally produce. You may do this in fafety, as 
you are far enough off; but I laid the fame on 
the very fpor, and before numbers of people, 
which fome of thofe, I afluie you, who ad- 
mired the old fellow's bravery, took not a little 

■\ Empedocks,'\ The famous philofopher of Agvigentum, 
in Sicily, a Pythagorean. Amongll other incredible llories 
of him we are told, that after performing many miraculous 
cures, he retired to mount ^Ktna, and leaped into the fire, 
in hopes ot leaving behind him an opinion that he was a 
god ; the populace, from his fudden difappearance, not 
knowing what was become ot him : the trick, however, 
which was a foolifli one enough for a philofopher, was dif- 
covered by one of his brafs fandals being caft up from one 
of the volcanos. 



ill of me ; though there were others who, like 
me, laughed at his vanity : I was very near, 
however, being torn in pieces by the Cynics, 
as Aftzeon was by his dogs, and * Pentheus 
by the Msnades, his kind relations. I will give 
you an account of the whole drama, as it was 
reprefented. You know the author well enough 
already, and what tragedies he has been acfting 
all his life, much fuperior to thofe of ^fchy- 
lus or Sophocles. When I came firft to Elis I 
heard one of our difputing Cynics, wirh a loud 
rough voice, bellowing out his common-place 
encomium on Virtue, and abufing all mankind : 
his difcourfe then turned on Proteus, which I 
will endeavour to recoiled: ; you will fay it is 
like their nonfenfe, for you have often heard 
them declaim. 

*' O earth (he bawled out), O fun, O ri- 
vers, and feas, O Hercules our anceftor, dare 
any man accufe Proteus of vain-glory, that 

f PentheusJ] Sonof Echion and Agave, daughter of Cad- 
rnus: he lucceeded his grandfather in the kingdom of 
Thebes, and having an unfortunate defire of prying into the 
myflerious rites of Bacchus, which he fufpefted to be ra- 
ther licentious, he hid himfelf in a part of mount Cithe- 
ron, but being difcovered, was fet upon by the Bacchana- 
lian women, amongil whom was his own mother, and fome 
of his rehuious, and torn to pieces by them, oce the 
Bacch^ of Euripidea, and Virgil's /Eneid, book iv. v. 409, 


256 On theDEATH 

Proteus who was bound in Syria, he who for- 
gave his country five thoufand talents, he who 
was banifhed from Rome, he who is more cele- 
brated than the fun, he who is able to contend 
even with Olympian Jove ? Becaufe he is re- 
folved to leap into the flame and bravely periih, 
they call it the love of glory : but did not Her- 
cules thus perifh alfo ? Were not Bacchus and 
jEfculapius ftruck with lightning; and did not 
Empedocles, in latter times, leap into the 
flames ?" 

When Thagenes (for that was the bawler^s 
name), had finifhed his harangue, I afked one 
of the by-ftanders, what he meant by the fire, 
or what relation Hercules and Empedocles had 
to Proteus. " Proteus (replied he), intends very 
foon to burn himfelf at the Olympic games." 
<' But how, faid I, and for what reafon ?*' He 
was going toanfwer me, when the Cynic bawl- 
ed fo loud that I could not hear any thing but 
what he thought proper himfelf to add con- 
cerning Proteus, on whom he bellowed the 
raoft lavifh encomiums. For, not condefcend- 
ino- fo low as to compare him with Diogenes, or 
his matter Antiflhenes, or even with Socrates 
himfelf, Jupiter only could vye with him; 
thus, I think, raifing them both upon a level, 
the oration clofed. " The world (faid he), 



hath beheld only two perfect works, the Olym- 
pian Jove, and Proteus ; Phidias formed the 
one, the other was the work of nature; but 
now, alas ! this noble image muft go from men 
to the gods, and leave us wretched orphans all 
behind him.'* When, after much toil and 
fweating, he had thus delivered himfelf, he 
v^-ept molt ridiculoufly, and tore his hair, tak- 
ing care, however, that he did not pull off too 
much of it ; at length, fighing and fobbing, 
he was carried off by fome of his friends for 
a little confolation. 

No fooner had this gentleman finlfhed his fine 
harangue than another rofe up, not fuffering 
the croud to difperfe, but pouring as it were 
his libation on the yet fmoaking entrails ; * this 
man, after a loud laugh, which feemed to come 
from the bottom of his heart, began thus — " As 
the infamous Theagenes finillied his lamentable 
oration with the tears of Heraclitus, I, on the 
other hand, Ihall begin mine with the lau^h 
of Democritus."--He then laughed fo heartily 
that few of us could refrain from joining with 
him; then, turning himfelf towards the audi- 

* Thismauy ^c] Lucian himfelf; who was bold enough 
to attack the impoftor, when fiirrounded by his admirers, 
for which, as he tells us in the firft page, he had like to 
have been torn ro pieces. 


238 On the death 

ence, " What, faid he, can I do but laugh 
when I hear fuch ridiculous fpeeches, and lee a 
fet of reverend grey beards ready to dance on 
their heads in honour of a contemptible and 
rafcally fellow ! but that you may know what 
kind of an idol this is, who is going to burn 
himfelf, give ear a little to me, as i am well 
acquainted with his life and manners, and, 
moreover, have made diligent enquiry into it, 
amongft thofe who have had reafon to know him 
but too well. This famous work of nature, 
this model for Polycletus, no fooner arrived at 
man's eftate than he was caught in adultery at 
a certain place in Armenia, where he was ob- 
liged to jump out at a window, after he had 
received a fevere drubbing : not to mention his 
debauching a beautiful girl, whole parents he 
bribed with three thoufand denarii, not to carry 
him before the governor of Afia. Thefe pranks, 
and a great many of the fame kind, I fhall pafs 
over, as the clay was yet rude and uninformed, 
not as yet wrought up into an image of perfec- 
tion ; but what he did to his father muft be 
taken notice of: you have all, I doubt nor, 
heard how he ftrangled the old man, whom he 
would not permit to live beyond his fixtieth 
year. When the crime was disulged he ba- 



niflied himfelf, and wandered about from place 
to place." 

About this time, it was, that he learned the 
* wonderful wifdom of the Chrillians, being 
intimately acquainted with many of their pricfts 
and fcribes ; in a very ihort time he convinced 
them that they were all boys to him, became 
their prophet, their leader, grand prefident, 
and, in fliort, all in all to them. He explain- 
ed and interpreted fevcral of their books, and 
wrote fome himfelf, infomuch, that they look- 
ed upon him as their legiflator and high-prie(l» 
nay, almoft worfiiipped him as a god. Their -f 
leader, whom they yet adore, was crucified in 
Palaftine, for introducing this new fed:. Pro- 
teus was, on this account, call into prifon, 
and this very circumftance was the foundation 
of all the confequence and reputation which he 

* Wonderful.^ Gr. hocvfAccroy, admirabllem ; undoubtedly 
ufed by Lucian as a term ot contempt, and to be taken 
ironically. This, it is obfervable, is the & ft mention made 
by our author of Chriftians, or Chriftianity, (probubly the 
only one, for the Philopatris, I believe, was not written 
by him ;) he treats them here, we muft acknowlege, with 
great indecency, and laughs at a religion whofe precept; 
he was an utter Itranger to. 

•j- Their leadir'\ Jefus Chrift. This fentence, the reader 
will perceive, feems to be not at all connetted with that which 
goes before it. Some lines are prokibly loll from the ori- 


240 On the death 

afterwards gained, and of that glory which he 
had always been fo ambitious of; for when he 
was in bonds, the Chriftians, confidering it as 
a calamity affed:ing the common caufe, did 
every thing in their power to releafe him, 
which, when they found impradticable, they 
paid him all poflible deference and refpe6t ; old 
women, widows, and orphans, were continually 
crouding to him, fome of the moll principal of 
them even flept with him in the prifon, hav- 
ing bribed the keepers for that purpofe ; then 
were ^ coftly fuppers brought in to them; 
they read their "* facred books together, and 
the noble Peregrinus (for fo he was then call- 
ed,) was dignified by them with the title of the 
New Socrates. Several of the Chriftian de- 
puties, from the cities of Alia came to allift, 
to plead for, and to comfort him : it is in- 
credible with what alacrity thefe people fup- 
port and defend the public caufe ; they fpare 
nothing, in Ihort, to promote it : Peregrinus 

J Co^ly Jufifiers.'] Gr. hmnu iTotKiXoe., caenae varice ; or, 
more claiiically, csna dubia, Lucian is heie fuppoled to 
allude to the Ayx'Tion or love-feafls frequent amongft the 
primitive Chiillians, and which, by the epithet affixed to 
them, he means to refled on, as being fumptuous and ex- 

• Sacred hooh.'\ Meaning their explaniitions and illuftra- 
tions oi tire holy fcviptures. 



being made a prifoner on their account, they 
colledted money for him, and he made a very 
pretty revenue of it. Thefe * poor men, it 
feems, had perfuaded themfelves that they 
fhould be immortal, and live for ever. They 
defpifed death, therefore, and offered up their 
lives a volunttiry facrifice, being taught by 
their lawgiver, that they were all.brethren, and 
that quitting our Grecian gods, they muft wor- 
Ihip their own fophift who was crucified, and 
live in obedience to his laws. In compliance 
with them, they looked with contempt on all 
worldly treafures, and -f held every thing in 
common, a maxim which they had adopted 

* Thefc poor men, £ifc.] One cannot help obferving, that 
Lucian is here endeavouring to turn the primitive Chiiftians 
into ridicule, for thofe very culloms and manners, which, 
in the eyes ot every fober and thinking man, muft render 
them moft refpe^table. He laughs at them tor fupporting 
their friends, and viliting them in prifon, tor their hopes 
ot immortality, tor their contempt ot riches, and tor divid- 
ing the httle they had amongll; the poor and neceffitous. 

f Held every thing in co/nmon.] This cuftom ot the cailv 
Chril^ians, though founded on the noblelt principles ot" 
benevolence, war attended with fome bad coniequtnces, as 
it gave the means of I'ublillencc to many idle and difiolute 
beggars, prc^bably very unworthy objerts ot charity, to 
whom, notwithftandlng, they could not deny the common 
right claimed by converts to the new doctrine ; Peregrinus, 
we lee, who might have otherwife ftarved, got a good liv- 
ing by it. 

Vol. IV. R vith* 


without any reafon or foundation. If any 
cunning impoflor, therefore, who knew how ta 
manage matters, came amongft them/ he foon 
grew rich by impoiing on the credulity of thefe 
weak and foohfh men. 

Peregrinus, however, was fet at liberty by 
the governor of Syria, a man o^" learning, and 
a lover of philofophy, who, withal, well knew 
the folly of the man, and that he would willing^ 
ly have fuffered death for the fake of that glory 
and reputation which he would have acquired 
by it ; thinking him, however, not worthy of 
fo honourable an exit, he let him go. On his 
return home, he found the report of his having 
killed his father had gained ground amongft the 
people, and that many had threatened to pro- 
fecute him for it. Moft of his money was 
already expended in his travels, and he had 
only about fifteen talents left ; for the whole 
which the old man died worth, did not amount 
to more than thirty, though that ridiculous 
fellow Theagenes told you it was five thoufand. 
The whole city of Parium, with the five next 
to it, if they were to be fold, with their cattle, 
men, and every thing belonging to them, would 
not fetch fo much. 

The affair of the murther was now fpread 
abroad, and fumebody, it was generally thought, 



Would foon fland forth, and accufe him. The 
populace were enraged, and lamented the lofs 
of the good old man, taken away In fo fhamc- 
lefs a manner. But, obfcrve how the cunning 
Proteus contrived to efcape the danger that 
threatened him ; he went to the public affembly, 
(having taken care, beforehand, to let his hair 
grow, and put on a dirty gown, with a club 
in his hand, and a fatchel hanging down, his 
whole appearance being truly tragic,) prefented 
himfelf to the people, and told them that he 
meant to throw all the cftate of his late father, 
of happy memory, into the public treafure. 
No fooner were the populace acquainted with 
this, than, like poor creatures always gaping 
after prefents, they cried out immediately, that 
he was the friend of wifdom, the lover of his 
country, and the only rival of Crates ^and Dio- 
genes. The mouths of his'enemies were flop- 
ped at once, and if any man attempted to men- 
tion the murther, they took up flones and pelted 
him. Once more, however, he was obliged 
to fly his country ; the Chriflians were again his 
refouvce, and having entered into their fervice, 
he wanted for nothing. Thus, he fubiiiled for 
fome time, but at length, having done fonie 
thing contrary to their laws, (I believe it was 
eating food forbidden amongfl: them^) he was 
R 2 reduced 

244 ^^ ^^^ DEATH 

reduced to want, and forced to retradt his do- 
nation to the city, and to afk for his eftate 
again, and iffued a procefs in the name of the 
emperor to recover it : but the city fent mef- 
fages to him, commanding him to remain 
where he was, and be fatisfied. 

After this, he fet out on a third expedi- 
tion againfi: ^gypt, and vifited Agathobulus; 
there he Ihaved one half of his head, rubbed 
his face over with mud, and, in the midft of a 
great multitude, * whipped himfelf with a rod, 
or fuffered any body elfe to whip him as long as 
they pleafed : thefe, and many other freaks ftill 
more extraordinary, he played for fome time. 
From thence, he palfed over into Italy, where 
he abufed every body he came near, and par- 
ticularly the emperor, who, he knew, was of 
fo mild and gentle a nature, that he might do 
it with impunit}'^, which made him more bold 
and impudent. The prince cared very little for 
his abufe, and thought it, withal, by no means 
becoming, to punilh a n:ian who had the ap- 


li dipped himfelf. '\ This inonkirti cuftom is, it feems, 
of pretty long {landing, and the order of Flagellants has, at 
leaft, the plea of antiquity in its favour; but, it my 
readers have any curiofity on this fubjeft, 1 reterthcm to 
an entertaining and moft laboured trad on this lubject haely 
publin^ed, entitled, The HiHory of the Flagellants. 



j>earance of a philofopher, for a few foollih 
words ; cfpecially one whofe -f- profcffion it was 
to deal out obloquy and flander. This rather 
. increafed his reputation ; the ignorant and illite- 
rate admired him for his abufive talents, and 
he grew every day more famous : till at lafl, 
the governor of the city, no longer able to bear 
his impertinence, drove him away ; obferving, 
very properly, that the people did not (land in 
need of fuch a philofopher. This, however, 
made him more fought after, as it was foon in 
every body's mouth, that a philofopher was 
baniflied for his freedom of fpeech, and the 
love of truth and liberty. This raifed him to a 
rivallhip with * Mufonius, f Dion, Epidtetus, 
and others, who had met with the fame fate. 

When he went from thence into Greece, he 
abufed the inhabitants of Elis; endeavoured to 
perfuade the Grecians to revolt againfl the Ro- 
mans ; took upon himfelf feverely to cenfure a 
perfon eminent for his rank and learning ; who, 
amongft other things which he had done for 
the public good, had brought water to Olym- 

f ProfeJJion.'] As a Cynic philofopher. 

* MuJ'i»nus.'\ Mufonius Rutiis, preceptor to EpiiSletus, 
a cotemporary of ApoUonius Tyanaus. 

i Dion.'] A famous philofopher in the reign of the em- 
peror Domitian, See PhilolUatus. 

R 3 pia, 

24^ On the death 

pla, for the benefit of the fpedators, who, be- 
fore, were perilling with thirft; this man he 
was perpetually railing againft, as one who 
corrupted the; Grecians, and made thofe effemi- 
nate, who, at the public games, lliould be 
able to bear thirft and every other hardlhip ; 
whereas he had, in reality, preferved thoufands 
from innumerable diforders, occafioned by the 
drynefs of the foil, and the immenfe quantity 
of people crouded together ; add to this, that 
he drank himfelf of this water, whilft he abufed 
the man who brought it ; when, at length, the 
populace rofe, and were going to flone him, he 
efcaped by flying to Olympian Jove, 

Four years afterwards, at the next Oh'm^ 
piad, he produced an oration in praife of the 
man who had brought the water, with an apo- 
logy for his own condu(ft ; but, at length, 
growing into difrepure, he was taken but little 
notice of, for all his tricks were now obfolete ; 
and having nothing new to amufe them with, 
or by which he could acquire fame, he thought, 
at laft, of this funeral pile, and accordingly 
gave out amongft the Grecians, that he fhould 
burn himfelf upon it in a very fhort time : for 
this purpofe he began immediately to dig the 
ditch, bring ihe wood, and prepare every thing 
with wonderful fortitude and magnanimity. 



But true bravery, in my opinion, is (hewn by 
patiently waiting for death, and not in flying 
from life; or, if he mufl die, why not depart 
by fome other means, fo many thoufands as 
'there are, and not by fire, and with all that 
tragical preparation ! If he was fo fond of 
flame, as being more in the Herculean ftyle, 
why could not he have chofen fome fecret 
woody mountain, where he might have gone 
and burned himfelf in filence, alone, or accom- 
panied only by his Theagenes, by way of a 
faithful Philoftetes ? but he muft needs do it at 
the Olympic games, and in a full affembly, 
roafting himfelf, as it were, on the ftage : not 
but it is a death which, by Hercules, he long 
(ince defcrved, if parricides and atheifts are 
worthy of it : in this refpedthe was rather late ; 
he Ihould have been roafted long ago in Pha- 
laris's bull, and not have perifhed in a mo- 
ment ; for i have often heard this is the fhorteft 
way of dying, as it is only opening the mourh, 
catching the flame, and expiring immediately : 
but he has fallen upon this expedient, I fup- 
pofe, becaufe it is grand and magnificent for a 
man to be burned in a facred ground, where no 
corpfe can be buried. You all, no doubt, re- 
n^ember him who wanted to be immortal, and 
could find no other way of becoming fo but 
R 4 by 

£48 On the DEATH 

by fetting fire to the temple of Diana, at Ephe» 
fus. This, man, fuch is his love of glory, is 
ambitious of the fame fate. 

He tells us, that he does it to ferve man- 
kind, to teach them to defpife death, and 
fuffer the mofl cruel torments : but I would 
afk one queilion of you, not of him : Would 
you wi(h to have malefadors imitate this forti- 
tude, contemn death, burning alive, and fuch 
dreadful things ? I am fure you would not. 
How then could Proteus know, that it would 
be of ufe only to the good, and would not 
make the bad and vicious more fearlefs of dan- 
ger, and more audacious ? But, even fuppofing 
it might happen that thofe only Ihould fee this 
who might think ir conducive to public happi- 
nefs, yet let me afk you one more queftion : 
Would you have your children imitate him ? 
You will fay. No. But why, indeed, need I 
afk this, when not one even of his own dif- 
ciples will do it. Theagenes, to fay the truth, 
is much to blame, feeing, that whilft he imi- 
tates him in every thing elfe, he will not fol- 
low his fteps in this alfo, and go to Hercules, 
as he fays, along with him, when he might, in 
fo lliort a time, gain immortality, only by 
leaping into the flames. There is not much 
livallhip in a fatchel, a club, and a dirty gown ; 



thefe may all be had with eafe and fafety : he 
fhould have imitated the great end, the crown 
of all ; built up his pile of green faggots, and 
fuffocated himfelf in the finoke. The fire is 
not peculiar to Hercules and ^fculapius ; 
thofe that are guilty of murther and facrilege 
are condemned to it ; a little fmoke, therefore, 
would be much better : that would be dying 
like yourfelves, and yourfelves only. Hercules 
burned himfelf, (* if ever he was burned at all,) 
on account of the dreadful diforder which he 
laboured under, when he was tormented, as 
the tragedy tells us, by the blood of the cen- 
taur : but what reafon had Proteus to throw 
himfelf into the fire ? only, I fuppofe, to Ihew 
his fortitude, and that he might refemble the 
-}- Brachmans. Thefe his friend Theagenes 
compared him to, by way of excufe ; as if 
men might not be foolifh and vain-g1orious 
in India as well as any where elfe : but thefe 

• If ever ^ fe'c] Lucian feems here to queftlon the truth 
of hiftory, which tells us that Hercules, after he had put 
on the envenomed fhirt, ran mad, made a funeral pile, and 
threw himfelf upon it, deliring his friend Philodetes to take 
care of his alhes. See the Trachinia; of Sophocles, where 
the ftory is told at large ; though, perhaps, as Lucian inti- 
mates, it was nothini^ more than a poetical tale, 

■}• The Brachmans.'] In India (fays Tully) ei qui fapien- 
tes habebantur, cum ad flammam fe adplicaverunt, fine ge- 
initu aduruntur. See Cic. Tufc. Quaeft. 


250 On the death 

he did not imitate; for they, as Oneficritus, 
Alexander's tutorj who faw Calanus burning, 
informs us, do not jump into the fire, but, 
building up a funeral pile, and Handing clofc 
to it, fufFer themfelves to be fcorched without 
ftirring, then lay quietly down upon it, and ne- 
ver change their pofture : but what very great 
thing was it for our hero to leap into the fire, 
and be confumed immediately ? I fliould not, 
indeed, have been furprifed to hear, that, when 
he was half burned, he had leaped back again, 
if he had not, as they faid he did, built the pile 
in a deep ditch. We were told by fome, that 
he had changed his mind, and gave out (a 
mere invention of his own), that Jupiter would 
not fuffer a place fo facred to be polluted ; but, 
with regard to that, he might make himfelf 
eafy, for I would venture to fwear, that none 
of the gods would be angry at hearing that 
Peregrinus had deftroyed himfelf. But it was 
impoffible for him to retreat ; the wretches 
who accompanied him, took care to egg him 
on, to animate his refolution, and prevent his 
receding from it through fear : if he had drag- 
ged in two or three of thefe along with him, 
he would have done, at leail:, one good office. 
He meant, 1 hear, no longer to be called Pro- 
teus, but to take upon him the name of Phoe- 


nix, becaufe the Indian bird fo called builds 
its own funeral pile, and, when it arrives at 
the extremity of old age, burns itfelf : he had, 
likewife, fpread it abroad, and brought forth 
fome old oracles to prove it was decreed by the 
Fates, that he fhould appear as the guardian 
deity of the night. It is plain his ambition 
was to have altars erefted to, and flatues made 
of him : for my own part, I make not the leail 
doubt, but, amongfl; the croud of madmen that 
followed him, fome will tell us, that this da- 
mon of the night appeared to them, and cured 
them of their agues. His difciples, I fuppofe, 
will fet up an oracle, and build a temple on 
the fpot where he perifhed, efpecially, as the 
firft Proteus, the fon of Jove, was a prophet : 
he will have his priefts too, I imagine, by and 
by, who will whip or burn themfelves like 
their mafier, have their nodturnal rites, and 
carry their torches round his funeral pile. 

Theagenes, as one of his companions in- 
formed me, lately gave out that a Sibyl had 
already prophefied concerning thefe things, in 
the following verfes : 

When Proteus, glory of the Cynic name, 
Shall build his pile, and leap into the flame : 
When he fliall reach the ftarry realms above, 
And high Olympus' top, the feat of Jove : 
Then, mortals ail, let night's proteiling lord, 
With Hercules and Vulcan, be ador'd. 


252 On the death 

Theagenes faid, he received thefe from the Si- 
byl herfelf. I ihall now give you the oracle of 
■^ Bacis on the lame fubjeCt ; it fpeaks thus : 

When the proud Cynic, who by many a name 
Is known, incited by that fury, Fame, 
Shall leap into the lire, the whelps, who wait 
Around the wolf, fliall meet their matter's fate. 
If one amongll them fhun the glorious fire. 
To Hone the coward let all Greece confpire : 
That none may boalt of heat who fliake with cold, 
Or fill their coffers with ill-gotten gold. 

What think you^ my friends, is not Bacis as 
good a prophet as the Sibyl ? The noble fol- 
lowers of Proteus have nothing to do but look 
out for a proper place, where they may diffolve 
themfelves into air ; for this is their phrale for 

When he had thi:s fpokcn, the llandcrs by 
all cried out, they are worthy of the flame, let 
them burn I— the orator then dcfcendcd, laugh- 

•f But nor the genial fcad, nor flowing bowl 
. Could charm the cares of Neftor's watchful foul, 

Theagenes, I mean : for, hearing the noife, 

* B^^ris.] Though, compared with the Sybilline, this 
was but a kind ot iVcond-r^te oracle, it had its day. Some 
of its inoft notable predidions are mentioned by Herodo- 
tus and Pauiimias : Lucian, however, has made very tree 
with it. This is apparently a tidtion of his own, written on 
purpofe to ridicule the other, and is no bad burlefque of it. 

■f See Pope's Homer's iiiud, b. xiv. 1. i. 



he came up, and vented a thoufand execrations 
againft the fpeaker, whoever he was, for I 
know not the good man's name. I left them 
then, and went to fee the games ; for the judges 
were already aflembled. This paffed at Elis. 

When we came to Olympia, the back part 
of the temple w^as crouded with people, fome 
extolling, fome condemning the intended facri- 
fice ; infomuch that many of them went to 
blows about it; till, at length, the hero him- 
felf, attended by a vaft concourfe of people, 
came, and made a long fj^eech to the multi- 
tude, fetting forth the events of his paft life, 
and the m&ny dangers and troubles he had gone 
through in the caufe of truth and virtue : he 
talked a great while, but, on account of the 
croud which prefled upon me, I heard very 
little : for fear, indeed, of being crufhed to 
death, which was the fate of many, I got away 
as fail as I could, refolving to take my farewel 
of a ridiculous fophift, bent on deftrudtion, and 
making his own epitaph before death. Before 
I went, I juft heard him fay, he would finifli 
a golden life with a golden exit : he who had 
lived like Hercules, fliould die like Hercules 
alfo, and be mingled with the air : " I wou'd 
ferve mankind, fays he, ia mv laQ moments, 


*54 ^^ "^"^ DEATH 

by teaching them how to defpife death ; and 
every man upon earth fhould be my -j- Philoc- 
tetes." Upon this, the ignorant and foolifh part 
of the croud cried out, " Live for the fake of 
Greece ;" whilft the more fenfible and judicious 
exclaimed, " Do it, do it !" which feemed 
not a little to vex the old man, who had flat- 
tered himfelf they would unanimoully have 
endeavoured to with-hold him, and forced him 
'to live againft his will. Their crying out, do 
it, was fo unexpefted, that, cadaverous as he 
looked before, he grew ftill paler, trembled, 
and was filent. You may eafily fuppofe how 
much I was diverted at him. A fellow, fo 
vain-glorious, deferves no pity. He was at- 
tended, however, by a prodigious croud, and 
fucked in their applaufe and admiration, not 
confidering that a malefactor, dragged to the 
gallows, is full as well attended. The Olym- 
pic games were now over ; and finer, though 
1 have been there four times, I never faw. 
So many people going away together, I was 
left behind fome time, for want of a carriage ; 
and Proteus having deferred it from time to 
time, at lad fixed the night when he would 

f My Ph'ilocfetes.'] Alluding to the ftory of Phllo6lete3 

attending on Hercules, when he threw himfelf on the tune- 

ral pile on mount Oeta. 



exhibit the fpedtacle, and burn himfelf : riling," 
therefore, at midnight, 1 was carried by one 
of my friends to Harpina, where the funeral 
pile was prepared, about twenty ftadia from 
Olympia, near the Hippodrome, on the eaft 
fide : it was raifed in a ditch five foot deep ; 
a number of torches were fpread about with 
bufhes, that it might take fire the more 

The moon rifing,'(for fhe was to be a witnefs 
of this noble deed,) the vidtim came in the ha- 
bit which he commonly wore, and with him 
fome of the principal Cynics ; amongft whom 
was the great Theagenes, with a torch in his 
hand, to play the fecond part; und no bad per- 
former : Proteus likewife carried a torch : they 
entered from oppofire fides, and lit the pile 
with the torches and faggots ; then the hero (I 
beg vou will attend to me carefully) laid down 
his bag, his cloak, and his Herculean club, 
and appeared in his Ihirt, and a very dirty one 
it wi^s : he then afked for fome frankincenfc, 
which, being handed to him, he threw in, and 
turning to the Ibuth, (this turning to the fouth 
is a principal circumftance in the tragedy,)' 
'' Ye paternal and maternal fiiades (he cried) 
accept me:" and faying this, he leaped into, 


256 On the death 

the fire, and the flames rifing on every fide, I 
faw * no more of him. 

I fee you, methinks, my dearCronlus, laugh- 
ing heartily at the cataftrophe of the drama : 
the calling on his mother's ihade I have no 
objection to ; but, when I heard him invoking 
his father's alfo, and recollected what had been 
faid about the murther, I could not help fmil- 
ing. The Cynics did not fhed tears, but flood 
in mournful filence round the pile, with their 
eyes fixed on the flame : the fight of this pro- 
voked me to cry out, " For fliame, let us be 
gone, like a parcel of fools as we are; a fweet 
fight, indeed, to fee an old man roafted alive, 
and be choaked with the (link of him ; or do 
you fl:ay here for the painter to come and take 
your faces, like -f Socrates's companions in the 
prifon r" They began then to be very angry, 
and to abufe me : fome of them feemed ready 
to take up their flicks againft me •, but when 

* No more of him. '\ It is not improbable, that this arch- 
impoftor, for luch he undoubtedly was, might, after all, 
efcape by fome fecret paflage under-ground, which he had 
prepared on the occaiion ; as we cannot otherwife well ac- 
count for a fcoundrel, like Peregrinus, carrying the jell fo 

f Socrates's companlom.'] Of which there was probably 
fome celebrated pi(ittire : it was certainly a tine fubjedt for 

I threaten- 


I threatened to throw them into the fire after 
their mafter, they were foon .quiet. 

Many were the reflexions which I made, in 
my return home, on the love of fame, a paflion 
not to be fhaken off even by thofe who in other 
refpedts are worthy of the higheft admiration ; 
even they are fenfible of it as well as this mad 
fellow who jumped into the fire, after having 
all his life deferved it, I met feveral people 
going to the fight, and who imagined he was 
Hill alive ; for it had been given out the day 
before that he was to afcend the funeral pile at 
fun-rifing, v;hich it feems is the cuftom of 
the Brachmans ; many of them therefore, 
when I told them the affair was over, turned 
back, but others, who did not care fo much 
about it, went on, to fee the place, and to 
get fome relics out of the fire. And now, my 
friend, I had an infinite deal of trouble, in 
anfwering the queflions of all thofe who were 
inquifitive after every particular. When I met 
with a fenfible man, I told him the plain fad", 
as I do you ; to the gaping * logs I added 
fome tragic flory of my own, fuch, forinflance, 
as that when the pile was lit, and Proteus had 
thrown himfelf upon it, a great noife was heard, 
•the earth Ihook, and a vultur was feen to rif^ 
* Logs.} Gr. Tifj ^hdv.xu flipites. 

Vol. IV, S out 

253 On the DEATH 

out of the flame, and fly towards heaven, cry- 
ing with a loud voice, I have left earth and ga 
to Olympus. Struck with amazement and reli- 
gious horror at the relation, they enquired of me 
whether the vultur flew towards the eaft or weft j 
to which I anfwered whatever came uppermoft. 
Going fome time after into the aflembly, I 
met a grey-haired old man, whom by his beard 
and grave appearance one would have taken for 
a creditable witnefs, who, notwithftanding, af- 
ter relating every thing that had happened to 
Proteus, told us how he had feen him after he 
was burned, in a white garment, crowned with 
olive, walking about, and that he had left 
him very chearful, and merry in the portico^ 
After all, he brought in my vukur alfo, and 
fwore he faw it fly out of the pile^ though I 
had myfelf placed him there, on purpofe to ri- 
dicule fuch mad and foolifli fellows as himfelf. 
You may eafily guefs the confequence of all 
this : what a heap of bees will be fettling in 
that place I what a congregation of grafshop- 
pers, what a flight of crows will be there, as 
many as at the tomb of * Hefiod, with a. 
thoufand miracles of the fame kind ! I doubt 
not but there will be -j- ftatues of him at Elis, 


* Hefiod.'] See Thucydides, lib. iii. cap. 96. 
4 Statues.] Lucian was a true prophet,— -Aihenagoras in- 



and in every part of Greece : for, they fay, 
he has already wrote letters to all the principal 
cities, containing his will, his exhortations, 
and his laws, which he fent them by ambafladors 
chofen from amongft his followers, and whom 
he has dignified with the title of meflengers 
from the dead, or runners to the fhades below. 

Such was the end of the unfortunate Pro- 
teus, who, to comprife his charader in as few 
words as poffible, never regarded the truth, 
but faid and did eveiy thing with a view to, 
and for the fake of popular applaufe, and went 
fo far as even to leap into the fire, in purfuit 
of that fame which he could no longer enjoy, 
and which he mufl be utterly infenfible of. 

Before I conclude, I muft tell you one ftory 
of him, which will make you laugh ; you have 
heard me fay, when I came out of Syria, I fail- 
ed with this very man from Troas ; amongft 
other luxuries he had then a young Alcibiades 
with him, whom he had made a Cynic of, but 
a violent ftorm arifing at midnight, and the 
waves beating high, this noble hero, who is fo 
fuperior to the fear of death, hid himfelf 
amongft the women, and fell a-crying. 

About nine days before his famous exit, 

forms us that there was a magnificent tomb aftd flatue of 
Peregr:nu<;, or Proteus, in the Forum, 

S 2 having 

• ) 

26o On the death of PEREGRIiVUS. 

having, I fuppofe, gorged more than ufual, he 
was taken ill in the night, vomited, and was 
feized with a violent fever: this Alexander 
told me, the phyfician, who was called in on 
the Gccaiion ; he found him, he faid, rolling 
upon the ground, complaining dreadful))'' of the 
heat, and intreating that he might have fome 
cold water, which the dodlor refufed to give 
him, telling him at the fame time, that, if he 
was delirous of death he was now at the door, 
that he could not do better than receive him, 
and there would be no occafion to leap into the 
fire-, to which he replied, that this kind of 
death was by no means equally glorious, being 
fuch as was common to all men. This Alex- 
ander acquainted me with ; and I myfelf, not 
many days before he died, faw him anointing 
his eyes with a very fharp ointment, that made 
them water, ^^acus, I fuppofe, would not re- 
ceive a man who could not fee well. This is 
juft as if a man who was going to be hanged 
fhould take care to get his fore finger cured firft. 
What would Democritus have faid to this, 
would not he have laughed moft heartily at 
him ? Flow, indeed, could he ever have laugh- 
ed enough ! do you, therefore, my friend, 
laugh alfo, as I am fure you will, and efpe- 
cially, when you hear that there are nien abfurd 

enough to praifc and admire him. 

T H Z. 




S^he very extraordinary Circumjlances zvhlch attend- 
ed the Death of Peregrinus, as related in the 
preceding Letter, naturally led our facetious Au- 
thor into fome Reflexions on the IntroduBion and 
Succefs of that falfe Philofoply which prevailed 
amongft the Sophijls of his 'Tiine, and which at 
length became a fair Ohje6l of his Satire, ^he 
follozving Dialogue on this Suhjc6l is lively and 
entertaining, and one may venture to pronounce it 
Lucian'j, with all due Deference to thofe learn' 
ed Critics who are of another Opinion with regard 
to it, 



PRAY, father Jupiter, is it true that ^ a 
man has thrown himfelf into the fire at 
the Olympic games, an old fellow it feems, 
who has long been a dealer in tricks and prodi- 

* A 7nan.'] Pcregrinus. The ceremony, we may re- 
member, was performed at night, and by the light of the 
moon ; Apollo, therefore, or the Sun, may be fuppofed 
to know nothing of it, 

S 3 gies I 


eies ? The Moon told it me ; fhe faw him 

■ burning, 


Apollo, it is true enough : and I vvifh it had 
never happened. 

A P O L "L O. 
Why fo ; was he fo good a man, and one 
that did not deferve to be burned ? 
I do not know that ; but this I know, that I 
have fuffered horribly from a dreadful flench, 
which always rifes from a roafted carcafe : if I 
had not gone immediately to Arabia, the ftench 
would have killed me, and as it is, with all 
thefe fweet fmells, and plenty of fpice and 
frankincenfe, I can fcarcc get the fcent out of 
my noftrils : even now I am ready to puka 
when I think of it. 

But what did he mean by it ? What good 
could poffibly accrue from reducing himfelf to 
alhes on a funeral pile ? 

You muft remember Empedocles, who 
jumped into the volcano in Sicily. 
That was the effedl of a dreadful melancholy ; 
but what rcafon eould this man have ? 

J U P U 

The fugitives. 263 

I will tell you what he faid in the aflembly, 
where he informed them what it was that in- 
duced him to make the refolution ; if I re- 
member right, he told them — But who is this 
coming towards us in fuch a hurry, crying moft 
bitterly, as if fhe had received fome injury ? It 
is Philofophy, flie calls upon me in a piteous 
tone» My dear daughter, what is the matter, 
why haft thou left mankind, and for what 
comeft thou hither? Have the ignorant and 
foollih * taken counfel againft you, as they did 
formerly, when on the accufation of Anytus 
they flew the divine Socrates ? Is that the caufe 
of your flight ? 


No, father : the multitude have long held 
me in the higheft eftcem and veneration, I have 
been ahnoft adored by them, though they did 
not fully underftand me : but there are fome, 
what fhall I call them ? who take my name 
upon them, wear the maik of friendfhip, and 
pretend to be my intimate acquaintance; thefe 
are the men who have ufed me moft cruelly, 

* Taken counfd.'] Gr. £7r«^ECs^e!;«acr», the tranflatlon is li- 
teral. The fame expreffion is made ufe of by the Pfalmift, 
— " They take counfel together againft the Lord, and 
againft his anointed," 

S 4 J U P I. 

■164- The FUGITIVE S. 


What ! the philofophers ! have they coil- 
fplred again ft you ? 


No, father, they have been injured as well 

as myfelf. 


Who then has done you this wrong ? You 
fay it is neither the ignorant, nor the philofo- 


There are fome, between both, who in ha- 
bit, look, gefture, and appearance, much re- 
femble me ; thefe enlift themfelves under my 
banners, take my name, and call themfelves 
my friends and followers : but their lives are 
infamous, full of ignorance, impudence, and 
vice ; thefe are the greateft difgrace to me ; by 
thefe I have been injured, and from thefe, O 
father, 1 have flown. 


Bad treatment, indeed, daughter; but what 
was it that principally offended you ? 


No little matters, I aflure you : when you, 
as you may well remember, beheld mankind 
funk in vice, folly, and injuftice, and every 
thbg involved in error, ignorance, and iaiqui- 

The fugitives. 265 

t)^, you took pity on the human race, and 
fent me down, commanding me to prevent their 
injuring and oppreffing each other, that they 
Ihould no longer live the life of brutes, but, 
turning their eyes to the truth, join in the bonds 
of peace and amity, " Thou feeft, my daugh- 
ter (thefe were your words), what men are do- 
ing, and how they are led by ignorance and 
vice, I am touched with compaffion for them, 
and from amongft my fervants have fcledted 
thee as befl able to heal their wounds, and put 
an end to their calamities.'* 


I do remember that to this purpofe I then 

fpake to thee ; but tell me how they received 

thee, and what thou haft fince fuffered from them. 


In compliance with thy commands, O my 

father, I fled immediately, to teach, not the 

Grecians, but what I deemed the harder tafk, 

and therefore was willing firft to perform it, to 

inftrud: the Barbarians : leaving therefore thofe 

who, I thought, would with more eafe bend to 

* the yoke, and bear the rein, I went firft to 

* The yoke.'] Ati^uv ^^oyov, to receive the yoke, was an ex- 
preffion frequently made ufe of to fignify obedience to the 
diftates of a mafter or preceptor. The fame image is 
adopted in Scripture — " My yoke is eafy," &c. 


z66 The F U G I T I V E S, 

the Indlas, the greatefi: nation on earth, and 
perfuaded them, with little difficulty, to defcend 
from their elephants, and converfe with me : 
the Brachmans, thofe happy people, fight un- 
der me, live in fubjedion to my laws, and are 
therefore honoured and revered by all around 
them ; thefe die in a manner moft flrange and 


You mean the Gymnofophifts ; I have heard 
many things of them, and, amongft others,, 
that they build a funeral pile, and burn them- 
felves upon it, without ever changing their ha- 
bit or their pofture ; but in this there is no- 
thing fo extraordinary, for I faw it juft now 
done at Olympia, where, I fuppofe, you were- 
alfo an eye-witnefs of it, when the old man died 


I did not go to Olympia for fear of thofe 
wretches : I juft now told you of many whom I 
faw croud ing thither on purpofe to abufe the 
people alTembled, and to prophane the temple 
with their noife and ribaldry ; I never faw him, 
therefore, nor know how he perifhed. But to 
proceed": from the Brachmans I ilew immedi- 
ately to ^Ethiopia, and from thence into JE- 

» gypt '> 

The fugitives. 2^7 

gypt ; here I held communion with the priefts 
and prophets, and taught them divine things ; 
I vifited Babylon, and initiated the Magi and 
Chaldeans; thence paffed into Scythia, and 
from thence to Thrace, where I was met by- 
Orpheus and Eumolpus : thefe I fent before 
me into Greece, the one by fong and mufic to 
harmonize the minds of men, the other to in- 
culcate the facred do(ftrines which he had learn- 
ed from me; and ftrait I followed them. The 
Grecians, at my firft coming, neither ftridly 
embraced, nor turned their backs upon me. 
After I had fojourncd with them a little time, 
I prevailed on "^ feven to become my friends 
and difciples; together with one from -f Sa- 
mos, one from J Ephefus, and one from § Ab- 
dera, but a few in all. After thefe, I know 
not how it happened, that a nation of fophifls 
came about me, a fet of men, neither firmly 
attached to my precepts, nor utterly abhorrent 
from them; a kind of || centaurs, a mixed and 

* Sci'CTi.l The feven wife men of Greece, PIttacus, 
Bias, Thales, Periander, Cleobulus, Chilon, Solon. 

•f Samos.'l Pythagoras. 

X Ephefus.'] Heraclitus. 

§ Ahdera.'] Democritus. 

jl Centaurs."] Half-men and half-horfes, as the men he 
defcribes were half-philofophers and half-rafcals; the com- 
parifon is excellent. 



imperfedt race, fomething between philofaphy 
and impoflure, neither totally the flaves of ig- 
norance, nor keeping their eyes ftedfaftly fixed 
on me ; like thofe who are half-blind from 
dimnefs of fight^ they fometimes grafped at an 
empty Ihadow, or weak image of me j they 
thought, at the fame time, that they knew 
every thing perfedily ; whence arofe that ufe- 
lefs and fuperfluous wifdom amongft them, 
which, notwithftanding, they confidered as in- 
vincible : hence thofe fubtle diflindtions, thofe 
intricate and abfuid arguments, which, like la- 
byrinths, only confounded, and perplexed man- 

Being at length contradided and confuted by 
my difciples, they began to grow warm, and to 
combine againft them, to accufe them in the 
forum, and confign them to chains and hem- 
lock. 1 ought, perhaps, to have quitted them 
immediately, and no longer to have affociated 
with fuch men ; but Antifthenes and Diogenes, 
and after them Crates and Menippus, perfuaded 
me to flay a little longer ; would 1 had not done 
it ! I fhould not then have fuffered fo many in- 

. J U P I T E R. 

You have not yet told me what thofe indig- 
nities were. 

P H I L O^ 

The fugitives. 269 


Liften then, and I will inform you : there 
is a low fet of men, fervile, mean, and merce- 
nary, who never had, in their youth, any con- 
vcrfe or communion with me, but were either 
fcrvants, tradefmcn, "^ coblers, fmiths, fullers, 
preparers of wool for the women, or engaged in 
fome handicraft or other of this kind, and con- 
fequently from their childhood fcarce ever fo 
much as heard of my name ; but, finding, 
when they were advanced in life, that my fol- 
lowers met with univerfal efteem and admira- 
tion, that men put confidence in them, obeyed 
their dictates, and dreaded their cenfure ; all 
this, they th'ought, was very defirablc, and 
feemed to edablifli a little empire : but to fit 
themfelves for this way of life was a diificult 
tafk, or rather, indeed, totally impradlicable. 
In the mean time, little was got by the arts 
they profeifed, and they had much ado, with 

* Coblers, ffniths, &c ] If we only fubftitute the word 
Religion iiitlead of Philofophy, this dialogue will be ex- 
tremely applicable, from beginning to end, to the enthu- 
fiafts of the prelent age. Our Methodiftsare, with refpedl 
to the regular clergy, exacStly what Lucian's fophifts were 
when compared to the true philofophers, compofed, like 
them, ot the loweft orders amongfl: us, proud, impudent, 
ignorant, and illiterate, refembiing, above all, their Gre- 
cian predecellbrs, in laying heavy contributions on all their 
deluded fuUcwers. 




all their labour, to fupport themfelves. Ser- 
vitude was a heavy burthen, and to manj'' of 
them grew intolerable. Compelled by thefe 
difficulties, they refolved to call:, what the failors 
call, their facred anchor, and moor their Ihip 
in my harbour : and to this end, they called in 
Ignorance and Impudence for their allies, with 
Calumny and Abufe, that are ever ready to affift 
them. Well flored with thefe, (pretty provifion, 
you will fay, for philofophy,) they trick them- 
felves out, and aflume my habit and appear- 
ance ; like jiEfop's afs, who, putting on the 
lion's fkin, brayed as fiercely as he could, and 
expefted to be taken for a real lion ; and fome 
there were, whom they eaiiiy impofed on. Our 
manners, with regard to external appearances, 
you well know, are eafily imitated ; it is no great 
hardfhip to put on an old cloak, to carry a bag 
at one's fide, and a club in one's hand, to make 
a noife, or rather to bark at, and abufe every 
body. They would not live now upon plain 
pulfe and coarfe food, as they did before on 
herbs and fallads, but flefli of all kinds, and the 
iineft wine ; they colleded a tribute wherever 
they went, or as they called it, Iheeied their 
Iheep, every body giving them fomething, ei- 
ther out of refped:, or for fear they Ihould be 
abufed by them ; they thought^ no doubt, 



The fugitives. 271 

they had an equal right to all advantages with 
the true philofophers; nor is it every one who 
can dilcern the difference, where externals are 
alike. If you enquire too ilridly into their cha- 
radter, they have recourfe immediately to abufe 
and violence : if you find fault with their lives, 
they refer you to their dodtrine, and if you dif- 
like their dodtrine, they defire you to confider 
their lives. 

The whole city abounds with impoflors of 
this kind, efpecially amongft the followers of 
Diogenes, Crates, and Antifthenes, all thofe 
who fight under Cynic banners : thefe never 
imitate that vigilance, that domeftic care and 
attention,thatmemory, that love of their mafler, 
which dogs are fo remarkable for; but their 
barking, their greedinefs, their gluttony, their 
luft, their fawning, flattery, and love of a 
good table ; thefe are canine qualities, which 
they are great proficients in. 

You may eafily forefee what will be the 
confequence of this : men will quit their (hops, 
and leave the arts uncultivated, when they find 
that, though they labour from morning to 
liight, they cannot fupport themfelves ; whilft" 
a fet of idle impoftors can live in affluence, take 
what they pleafe, be angry at thofe who will 
not give, and fcarce thankful to thofe who do : 


272 The FUGITIVE S. 

this muft appear a golden age to them ; the 
honey flows into their mouths * from heaven. 

The evil would be tolerable if it ended 
here; but thefe wretches, grave and demure as 
they appear outwardh^, if they can get a beau- 
tiful woman, what they do I fhall not men- 
tion. Some of them have been familiar with 
the wives of their hofls, like the famous f Tro- 
jan youth, merely, I fuppofe, to make philofo- 
phers of them : nay, even brought them ac- 
quainted with their fervants, on the pretence 
of fulfilling the didlates of j' Plato, who held 
that women Ihould be in common for all ; not 
vinderftanding in what fenfe that divine philo- 
fopher meant to be underflood with regard to 
this particular. 

. Their riotous and drunken behaviour at 
feafts it would be tedious to mention, thoueh 
they are all the while railing at drunkennefs, 
adultery avarice, and lafcivioufnefs. Nothing 
can be more contradidlory than their words and 
their adtions are to each other : they ftyle thenir 
felves the enemies of flattery, though in adu- 

* Fi-0^2 hcave?i.'] This feems to allude to the feeding 
of the Ifraelites with manna. How Lucian came to do 
this, is not-eafily to be accounted for, 

•f Troja7i youth.'] Paris, fo well known in ancient Ilory 
for his love of Helen, the wife of Menelaus, 

X Plato.] See Pol. ^. p. 459. - . • 


The F U G I T I V E S» 273 

lation they excel | Struthias and Gnathonides ; 
recommend truth to every body, and, at the fame 
time, never open their lipg without a falfehood. 
Pleafure, they tell you, is injurious to all, and 
Epicurus is their foe ; for her, notwithftanding, 
and for her alone, they adt and live. Ever pe- 
tulant, complaining on the leaft occafion, and 
prone to anger, like little children : this makes 
them ridiculous to all beholders ; for, when 
they are angry, a livid palenefs fpreads over 
their faces, they look fierce and furious, and 
their mouths are full of foam, or rather of 
poifon : never, my friend, may you be near 
when the filth flows 5from them ! Gold, or fil- 
ver, cries every one of them, I difdain : I want 
only an obolus to buy me a few lupines ; the 
next fountain or river will fupply me with 
drink : but in a little while they afk not for 
oboli or drachmas, buC for immenfe riches. 
What merchant, for his freight, receives half 
of what philofophy brings to thefe men ? when 

•}• Struthiai andG7iatho7iides.'\ Famous parafites of thofe 
days ; though the latter feems, according to Terence, to 
have been a general name tor all gentlemen of that pro« 

— as the fchools of the phllofophers 
Have ta'en from the phllofophers their names, 
So, in like manner, let all parafites 
Be call'd, from me, Gnaihonics. 

See Colman's Terence, p. 31; 
Vol. IV. T they 


they have got what they wanted, the wretched 
cloak is foon thrown by ; they purchafe fine 
clothes, fine women, and whole ftreets, and 
bid adieu to the pouch of Crates, the cloak of 
Antifthenes, and Diogenes's tub. 

When men fee thefe things, they begin to 
defpife Philofophy, think all who profefs it 
are alike, and accufe me as the teacher of it. 
Not one difciple for this long time have I gain- 
ed amongft them : like Penelope, I weave my 
web, and in a moment it is untwined, whilft 
Ignorance and Impiety fmile to fee me labour- 
ing in vain. 


O, ye gods ! what mifery has Philofophy 
fuffered from thefe wretches ! But let us con- 
fider what is to be done, and how we fhall 
treat them : my lightning would deftroj' them 
at a flroke, but that is too quick a death. 


Father, I will affift you ; for I deteft thefe 
Impoftors, thefe haters of the Mufes, whom, 
for their fakes, I abhor. They are not worthy 
of your thunder : let us, therefore, if it feem 
good, to you, fend down Mercury, to enquire 
into their crimes, and determine their punifii- 
ment : as he is himfelf well learned, he will be 


The F U G I T I V t: S. 275 

able to difllnguifh the true from the falfe phi- 
lofopher ; will praife the one according to his 
merits, and punilh the other as he deferves. 
Apollo, you advife well : but do you, Her- 
cules, accompany him, and taking Philofophy 
along with you, make the beft of your way 
lo earth ; conlider the extirpation of thefe 
fhamelefs, filthy monflers as your * thirteenth 



I had rather once more cleanfe the Augean 
ftable than be troubled with them : however, 
let us go. 


I had rather be excufed too ; but, as it feems 
good to our great father, I will follow you. 

Let us get down as faft as we can, that we 
may lay hold on fome of them to day. Pni- 
lofophy, which way muft we go ? for you know 
where they are; I fuppofe in Greece. 


By no means ; you will find there only a few 
real philofophers : but thofe whom we are go- 
ing in fearch of never dcfire to live in Attic 

• Thirteenth labour."] Alluding to the twelve well-known 
labours of Hercules, impoied on him by EuriUheus. 

T 2 poverty 

276 The fugitives. 

poverty at Athens ; you .muft look for them 
where there is a great deal of gold and filver. 
We mud go direftly then to Thrace. 

You are right ; and I will conducl you thi- 
ther : for I know every part of it, having been 
often there. liCt us go in this way. 

Which do you mean ? 

You fee two very large, beautiful moun- 
tains ; the biggefl of them is Hjemus ; that 
on the other fide, Rhodope : at the bottom of 
them is a fine, open, fertile plain, from which 
rife three fmall beautiful hills, which look like 
towers guarding the city that is placed beneath 
them ; and fee, the city itfelf appears. 
And a moft noble and charming one it is : 
you may fee it at a great diflance ; a large ri- 
ver flows clofe to, and wafties the walls of it. 
That is Hebriis : the city is the * work of 

* The ivork of Ph'ilip.'\ The city of Philipopolis, built 
by Philip, called alfo Trimontium, from the three moun- 
tains that furrounded it : it was fituated on the banks of 
the Hebrus, in Thrace, between Hamus and Rhodope. 


The fugitives. 277 

Philip. We are below the clouds, and clofe 
to earth. Here we are : and now, fortune be 
propitious to us ! 

ivi £■ R C U R y. 
So be it. What is to be done firii ? where 
are we to find thefe monilers ? 


That mufl be your bufinefs : you are the 
cryer ; perform your office. 

That is eafily done; but I do not know 
their names : you, Philofophy, muft tell them 
me, and what marks I am to know them by. 


That I cannot do; for 1 have really very 
little acquaintance with them : but, from their 
eager thirft after riches, you might not im- 
properly call them -f- Ctefones, or Ctefippi, or 
Cieficles's, or Eudtemons, or Polydteti. 

Very true : but who arc thefe that feem to 
be looking about for fomebody ? they are com- 

•f- Ctefones^ l£c.'\ Gr. KT>?o-oiiaj, habeones, fays the La- 
tin tranllation, (which, by the by, is ftrange and bar- 
barous Latin,) Havers j KT^criTrTras, habiequos, Horfe- 
havers ; Ktij(7»x;i£»;, habe-glorios, Glory-havers ; Et/j«T»i|tAo»«5, 
bene-habios, Good -havers ; n^^yxr-jTa?, multi-hahios, 

T 3 ing 


The fugitives. 

ino- up, as if they wanted to alk a queflion of 



Have any of you feen three impoftors going 
this way, in company wirji a woman * fhavecl 
clofe in the Spartan manner, who has a mafcu- 
line appearance, and looks like a virago ? 

They feem to be in fearch of the fame perfons 
as we are. 


The fame as you ? our's are all fugitives ; 
but it is the woman we v/ant moft, whom thefe 
fellows have run away with, 


You fhall know what we want them for pre-. 
fently : come, we will cry them for you. 

O yes ! if any perfon can difcover a Paphla- 
gonian flave from Sinope, whofe -j- name fig- 

* Shaved clofe. 1 Refpicit ad Laconum morem, quo vir- 
giiies matiimonium inituiae, ut amiculo virili alleronuba 
induebantur, ita quoque ad cuteni ufque ficut viri radiban- 
tur. Plut. in Lye. See alfo Meurfius in Mifc. Luc. 

f U hoje name. J Lucian is here iuppofed to glance at 
loT.e flave or low iellow, who had affumed the name and 
character of Epidetus. The mailer, who is a fuller, ik 
furprifed to find his fervant had taken another name, and 
was turiiCJ philofopher. Many an honeft tradefman amongft 
Uo, has, "in like manner, been furprifed on miffing his 'pren- 
tice, to hear of his turning divine, and haranguing the 
populace in the charader of a Field Preacher, at Whitfield 
or Welley's tabernacle, 


The fugitives. 279 

nifies Riches, with a pale face, a long beard 
fhaved clofe, a bag in his hand, and covered 
with an old cloak ; paffionate, illiterate, and 
has a rough voice ; whoever can produce fuch 
a one, Ihall be rewarded according to law. 

I do not know who you mean by thefe 
marks ; the man I am in fearch of is a fuller by 
trade, he worked in my Ihop, wore his own 
hair, and his name was Cantharus. 


It is the fame for all that ; he was your fer- 
vant, and a fuller, but now he appears like a 


O the impudence of the fellow ! fo now he 
calls himfelf a philofopher, and troubles himfelf 
no more about me : but we (hall find him out 
amono-fl: us. 



O Hercules ! who is this coming along ? that 

handfome man with the lyre ? 


It is Orpheus, who failed with me to Argos, 

the bed of all companions on Ihipboard ; his 

mufic made our voyage feem much fhorter. 

Good Orpheus, welcome : you have not forgot 


T 4 OR. 


The fugitives. 


Hercules, welcome, and j'ou Philofophy, 
and Mercury ; you will be indebted to me 
foon, for I can give you fome intelligence about 
the perfon you are in fearch of. 


fon of Calliope, tell us where they are ; 
you are the votary of wifdom, and want no 
reward for it. 


1 do net : I can Ihew you the houfe where he 
lives, though I do not chufe to go to him, for 
fear of being ill-treated by him, for he is full 
of abufe, and thinks of nothing elfe. 

Only Ihew him to us then. 

Here, next door ; but I mufl get away, for 
1 would not be feen by him. 

Stay ; is not that a woman's voice, repeating 
fome lines from Homer? 

By Jupiter, it is: let us hear what Ihe fays, 

W O M A N. 
* I bate the fellow like the gates of hell, 
Who fays he hates the gold he loves too well. 

* I hate,'] Tarody of Homer. See Iliad, b, i. 1. 312. 

M E R. 

The fugitives. 281 

Then you muft hate Cantharus. 
* Avenge the breach of hofpitable laws. 

That's me ; he ftole away my wife, after I 
had lodged and treated him as a friend. 

f Thou, dog in forehead, but in heart a deer, 
X With wrangling talents, form'd for foul debate ; 
Have we not known thee, flave, of all our hoft. 
The man who a6ls the leaft, upbraids the mofl ? 

Aye, that fuits him admirably. 

§ Behind, a maftifF's bufliy tail is fpread, 
A goat's rough body, and a lion's head. 

What muft fhe have fuffered from thefe vil- 
lains! they fay, Ihe is with child by one of them. 
Well, never mind ; fhe will bring you a Cer- 
berus, or Geryon ; it will only be another la- 

* Avenge, fe'r.] See Homer's Iliad, b. iii. 1. 31:4. 
f Thou dog.^ See Homer's Iliad, book i. 1. 225. 
\ With n.vra/igling.'] See the charafter of Therfites, Ho- 
mer's Iliad, book ii. 1, 305, &c. 

§ Behind.'] See Homer's Iliad, book vi, 1. 221. Lucian 
has altered Homer here a little, and put a dog's tail inllead 
of the dragon's, in compliment to the Cynics. 


2S2 The fugitives, 

bour for Hercules : but you are coming out, 

we need not knock at the door. 


Oho ! * mafter Cantharus, I have you now : 

what ! have you nothing to fay ? let us fee ; 

what have you got in your bag ? fome lupines, 

I fuppofe, or a cruft of bread. 


So help me Jove if here is not a girdle full 

of gold. 


No wonder; in Greece he was a Cynic, but 
here he is a Chryfippus; by and by you will 
fee him a f Cleanthes, for the rafcal (hall be 
hung up by the beard. 

■ Another MASTER. 

And is not this Lecythio, my run-away ? it 
is the very man : ridiculous ! what muft we ex- 
pert next, when this fellow is turned phil-lo- 

.)her ? 


Has this third never a mafter amongft you ? 
Another MASTER. 
. Yes : but I give him up; let hini flarve. 

* Mapr Cantharus'] This is the fuller's fervant men- 
tioned above, who called himfelt Epiftetus. 

f Cleanthes.l A famous Stoic philofopher ; he was not 
hanged as Luclan intimates, but ftaivcd himfelf to death, a 
mode of putting an end to themfclves very falhionable 
amongft the Grecians. M E R- 

The fugitives. 283 

]M E R C U R y. 

Why fo ? 


Becaufe he (links ; we ufed to call him tlie 



O Hercules ! he has got his ftaff and his fcrip 

too : O here, take your wife. 


Not I, indeed; Ihe will bring me an old 

book by way of offspring. 


What book do you mean ? 


There is a certain book, my good friend, 

called * Tricaranus, 


May be fo ; there is a comedy I know called 

4- Triphales. 


You, Mercury, muft now pafs fentence up- 
on us. 


My decree then is, that this woman, for fear 
ihe Ihould bring forth any ftrange many-head- 
ed moniter, fhall go back to her hufband in 

* Tricara?ius,'] Varro is faid to have written a play with 
this title, in which he introduced Julius Caefar, Craffus, 

f -/n/ZWfj.] Alluding to a play of Arillophanes fo called. 



Greece ; that thefe two little Haves fhall be re- 
ftored to their maftcrs, and pradtife their old 
trades ; that Lecythio Ihall walh dirty linen ; 
and the perfumer here, being firft well whip- 
ped with nettles, Ihall mend his ragged gar- 
ments, then having his hair all taken off, and 
his body well ;|: pitched and tarred, he fhall 
be carried to mount Hsemus, and hung up by 
the heels naked in the fnow. 


O terrible, Shocking. Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! 

None of your tragedy groans, I beg : come, 
away to the pitch and tar men : but fiift pull 
off your lion's ikin, and appear like an afs as 
you are. 

t Pitched, fe'f.] Gr. 'rra.^a. r>i<i mTTbiraiy ad depHatores ; 
this was a kind of punilhraent inflided on adulterers. 

S A- 



The Saturnalia, or Feaft of Saturn, zvas cele- 
hated in December: at this time Liberty was 
allowed to Servants, (a Liberty which we allow 
them^ or which they take^ all the Tear rounds) 
of finding fault, and making merry with their 
Majlers ; probably in memory of the Saturnia 
Regna, or Golden Age, before the DiJlinElion of 
Majier and Servant was known. At this Sea- 
fon. Friends fent Prefents to each other ; no War 
was to be proclaimed; no Offender executed; no^ 
thing reigned but Mirth and Freedom in every 

On this Feflival, which is certainly a fair Ob- 
jeB of Satire t Lucian, in the followi?ig Dia- 
logue, empties all his ^iver of Ridicule and Sar- 
cafm ; taking Occqfion, at the fame Time, to laugh 
at the abfurd Tales propagated by the Priejii 
and Poets, of Sat uru's devouring his Children^ 
dividing his Kingdom, &fr. which, notwitLfland- 
ing, formed no inconftderable Part of the Pagan. 

S A' 




SINCE your reign, O Saturn, is now Le- 
gun, and we have offered up incenfe and 
facrifice to you : what, I fhould be glad to 
know, out of all the offerings, will you give me 

for myfelf ? 


That mufl depend upon your own choice ; 
you are the beft judge what will be moft ac- 
ceptable to you ; you, therefore, can befl tell ; 
unlefs you think I am king and prophet too. 
All I can fay is, whatever you aik, I Ihall not 
refufe, if it is in my power to give it you. 

What I would alk for is long lince deter- 
mined ; I want the ufual good things, riches, 
gold and filver, ivory, fine foft cloathing, a 
number of Haves about me, and every thing, 
in Hiort, that is rare and precious ; of all this, 
great Saturn, I beg you will give me plenty, 
that I may reap the fruits of your advancement 
as well as others, and not be the only one who, 

* Saturn, ijc.'] In the title of this dialogue, in the origi- 
nal, we read 'hftvq nxt Xpi/05, the prieft and Saturn, which 
was certainly putting, as we fay, placing the cart before the 
horfe, and^ puts us in mind of cardinal Woolfey's ego & 
rex meus. I have taken the liberty, however, and I hope 
my brethren of the clergy will forgive me, to place the 
king before the bifliop, and reflore Saturn to his fuperiority. 


S A T U R N A LI A. 287 

in his whole life, Ihall be never the better for 



Why, look there now ; you have aiked the 
very things which I have not to bellow, there- 
fore you mull not take it ill if you go without 
them ; you mull alk them of Jupiter, to whom 
the empire will very foon devolve : 1 held it 
only on certain conditions ; in * feven days my 
power is at an end, after that term I am but a 
private perfon, and one of the multitude ; nay, 
even during that time, I can do no public bufi- 
nefs, nothing of weight or confequence, only 
tipple, get drunk, laugh, joke, make a noife, 
play at dice, appoint the f king of the feall, 
fet Haves down to the table, holloo, and ling 
Hark naked; fometimes fmut my face, and 
throw nvvi'elf headlong into a tub of cold wa- 
ter : ail i:his I have liberty to do, but as to the 

* In feven days.'\ i. e. as long as the Saturnalia continued. 
According to feme pious commentators this alludes to the 
formation of" the world, and the Mofaical account of the 

f Kingoftbefeaji.'] From this licence at the Saturnalia 
arofethe general cuflom of appointing at teafts or public 
meetings, a lord of the banquet, wha, like our modern 
prelidents at a club, gave kws to the company. In Ho- 
race's time they threw dice for this honour, as we learn by 

Nee regna vini fortiere talis. Hor. book i. od. 4. 



great affairs, gold, riches and fo forth, Jupiter 
diflributes them as he thinks proper. 

Neither does he do it readily, and as he 
Ihould do : for my part, I am weary of peti- 
tioning him ; he hears me not, but Ihakes his 
aegis, llretches forth his thunderbolt, looks ter- 
rible, and frightens all thofe that are trouble- 
fome to him. If he bellows any thing, he 
takes no notice of the good and virtuous, but 
fhowers all his riches on knaves and fools, on 
the bafe, the cowardly, and the effeminate ; I 
ihould be glad, however, to know what you 

can do. 


Many things, and thofe by no means fmall or 
contemptible, if done to perfedlion : but, per- 
haps, you think it a very little matter to con- 
quer at dice, to throw one to your adverfaries, 
and turn up fix for yourfelf : many a man has 
got a good fortune by fuccefs at this game, 
whilft others have fhipwrecked their's by an 
unlucky throw. Then, to drink delightfully, 
and fing better than any body elfe; and, whilfl 
others are thrown into the water for their auk- 
ward behaviour, to be voted the befl of prefi- 
dents yourfelf, and receive the honour due : is 
not all this glorious ? to be declared king of 



the feaft, to command, and not be command- 
ed ; to make whom you pleafc abufc them- 
felves, dance naked about the room, or * go 
round the houfe with a mufician on his llioul- 
ders ; are not thefe mod illuftrious privileges in 
my gift? If you obje<ft that they are not folid. 
and lading, you fhould remember alfo, that 
my own empire is of very Ihort duration. To 
thefe, however, which are in my power, you 
are welcome; afk boldly for them, I fliall not 
frighten you with my a^gis or my thunder. 
But thefe, O firfl of Titans, I really do not 
want : however, if you will anfwer me one 
queflion, which, above all things I wifh to 
be refolved in, I Ihall think it a fufEcient return 
for all my facrifices, and forgive you every 

thing elfe. 


Afk it, and if I can, I will anfwer you. 


Is it true then, which I have fo often heard, 

* Go rounds l^c.'\ Thefe, we are to fuppofe, were foine 
of the pranks played at the Saturnalia, when the kingofthe 
feaft, who was always obeyed, made every body do what he 
liked. We have a cuflom of the fame nature in the play ot 
t'orteits, when the keeper, or dillributer of them commands 
the forfeiter to do any ridiculous thing he thinks proper. I 
need not tell my fair readers that at thefe Saturnalia, no 
orders, how abfurd foever, are to be difputed. 

Vol. IV. ' y that 


that you ufed to devour the children which you 
had by Rhea ; that fhe Hole away Jupiter from 
you and hid him, putting a ftone in the room 
of him, which you fwailowed ; that when he 
was grown up, he conquered, and drove you 
out of your kingdom, put you and all your al- 
lies in chains, and threw you into Tartarus ? 
If this was not a holiday, when fervants 
are at liberty to get drunk and -j- abufe their 
mafters j I would have fnewn you that I had a 
right to refent this treatment, and punifli you 
for affronting thus, an old hoary god like me. 
In good truth, Saturn, I did not nik this of 
my own head. Hefiod end Homer taught it 
mc ; not to mention, that three parts of the 
world befide fully believe it. 

And how do you think that ruilic, br;igging 

* Jhjife, i^c.l The cuilom, as in the Saturnalia, of 
eftablilhing a kind of univerfal liberty, when ferviuits had a 
licence to abufe their mailers, ufurp their authority for a 
time, &c. feenis to have been adopted, at leaft in fome 
meafure, by all nations : there are traces of it in our own, 
more efpecially in fchools. colleges, and foundations, of which 
the Tripos verfes in the unlverfity of Cambridge, well known 
to my fellow collegians, mav be brought as an inllance ; 
my brother Weftminftcrs, of St. Peter's college, will alfo re- 
coiled the cudom of cock-monitor, &C. flill, I believe, 
preferved amongft theui. 

SATURN A'L 1 A. 291 

impoftor fliould know any thing of me ? Only 
refledl a little : is it poflible that a man, much, 
lefs a god, fhould ever devour his own chil- 
dren, unlefs, indeed, fuch a one as Thycdes h 
or, if this could have happened, do you think 
he could be fuch a fool as to eat a ftone for a 
child, unlefs he was totally void of fenfe and 
feeling ? Then, again, Jupiter and I never 
fought, neither did he take away my empire by 
force; for I refigned it to him of my own ac- 
cord: and as to my being in chains, and thrown 
into Tartarus, here I am to convince you to 
the contrary, unlefs you are yourfelf as blind as 



But what induced you to refign your king- 
dom ? 


I will tell you. I grew old and gouty, 
(v;hich, perhaps, was the reafon why the com- 
mon people gave out that I was in chains,) and. 
was no longer able to encounter with the de- 
generacy of the times. I had nothing elfe to 
do, indeed, but to run about, with thunder in 
my hand, after falfe fwearers, thieves, and vil- 
lains ; which was a work of labour, and fit on- 
ly for youth to execute : I * gave it up, there- 

■^ Cave ii vf),'] This is one of the fevcreft pieces of dclU 
U z caie 


fore, and a good deed it was, to Jupiter. I 
thought it withal moft prudent to divide the 
empire amongft my fons, that I might live and 
feaft in peace and quiet, and no longer trouble 
myfelf with importunate petitioners, for ever 
afking things different from, and contradicflory 
to each other; that I might not always be fend 
ing down hail, lightning, and thunder, but lead 
a pleafant old man's life, drink pure nedtar, and 
tell {lories with lapetus, and the reft of my 
cotemporaries. He, in the mean time-, holds 
the reins of government, with a thoufand an- 
xieties, and is in perpetual uneafinefs ; unlefs, 
except for a few days, when I agreed to take 
them myfelf, only to remind men how different 
life was when I reigned ; when every thing 
fprung up without ploughing or fowing ; when 
there were no fheaves, but bread ready made, 
and flelh ready dreffed ; when there were rivers 
of wine, and fountains of milk and honey ; for 
then all was good, and all was gold. This is 
the caufe of my fhort-lived reign : hence all 

cate and indired I'acire, perhaps, any where to be met with. 
Saturn gives up the dominion of heaven and earth, be- 
caufe thev were both fo wicked and worthlels, that it was 
neither honour nor pleafure to be at the head ot them. — A 
king of England, in this age of univerfal depravity and cor- 
ruption, would, perhaps, not be ibny to avail himlelf of 
fijcb a privilege. 



this finging, playing, and dancing; this equa- 
lity between freemen and flaves ; for, when I 
reigned^ there was no fervitude. 
I always thought you inftituted this feflival 
from a compaffionate regard to thofe that wear 
chains, and with a kind of retrofped: to your 



You w^ill not leave off your jokes and far- 

cafms, then ? 


I will, indeed : but, pray, anfwer me one 

queflion : in your reign, did they ufe to play 

at dice ? 


Yes : but not for talents, or ten thoufand 
drachmas, as they do now-a-days : they only 
played for nuts ; fo that he who loft never wept, 
and raved, or ftarved himfelf for grief. 

Very true : what, indeed, fhould they play 
for, who were nothing but gold ? I was think- 
ing, if one of thefe golden men were to come 
now amongft us, and live in thefe days, what 
a milerable condition would he be in : they 
would fall upon and tear him in pieces, as the 
Mxnades did Penthcus, the dogs Adlccon, 
and the Thracian women poor Orpheus ; they 
XJ 3 v;ould 


would quarrel amongftthemrelves, which Ihouid 
have the largeft part of him : for, even on thefe 
days of feflivity, they are always intent on lucre, 
and think of nothing elfe : even, at the ban- 
quet, fome of them will thieve from their 
friends, whilft others are curfmg you moft im- 
pioufly, and breaking in pieces the innocent 
dice, for the faults which they themfelves were 
guilty of, I mud aik you one thing more, and 
that is, How it happens that a tender old man, 
like you, Hiould chufe out this inclement fea- 
fon of the year, when there is nothing but 
wind, ice, and fnow every where ; when the 
trees are v/ithered and leaflefs, the fields without 
flowers or beauty ; and men, contra<fted, as it 
were, with age, hang over the fire : how could 
you pick out this time for a feftival, which is 
agreeable neither to eld nor young ? 

You arc aiking me qucflions, my friend, 
when we ought to be drinking : you have rob- 
bed me of half my holiday in philofophifing, 
mofl unnecefTarily ; let us, therefore, talk no 
more, but feaft and enjoy our liberty ; after 
■^•hich we will play at dice for nuts, according 
to the old cuftom, appoint our kings of the 
feaft, and do as they bid us. So Ihall we fulfil 
the proverb. 



* Once a man, and twice a child. 
Weil faid : never may he drink wlien he is 
dry, who does not approve thy pleafantry ! fo, 
let us drink, for you have anfwered excellently. 
I have a great mind to put down what has pafT- 
ed between us in a book, for the ule of thofe, 
amongft my friends, who are worthy of fuch an 

* Once a man, ^<r.] Gr. 7raAi<^7ra»oa^ ra? ysfopTxc, fenes 
bis pueroc. The Greek and Englifn laying or proverb an- 
fwer e::av,1:ly. The phrafe in our own language is, perhaps, 
the moft llrong and expreffive. 

U 4 C H R C- 


LuciAN has got hold of Saturn, and does not 
chufe to quit him ; he has therefore given us, in 
his Chronofolon, ^i. e. a Solon, or Lazvgiver 
to Chronos or Saturn,^ another fever e Satire 
on the ridiculous Rites and Ceremonies which made 
a Part of the SATVRi^ ALIA. Towards the End 
of this little Piece^ he expofes the Abfurdity of 
fome convivial Cufoms, and recommends others in 
their Stead. 

THESE are the words of Chronofolon, the 
high-prieft and prophet of Saturn, his 
legiflator, to difpenfe the laws which he hath 
enadted at his feftival. What concerns the poor, 
1 have already fet forth in a book which I fent 
to them : if they do not obey my ftatutes, they 
will be liable to thofe heavy punifliments which 
are annexed to the violation of them. Take 
heed, therefore, ye rich, that ye alfo do not 
tranfgrefs the laws, or neglecfl thofe comrtiands 
which I here enjoin you to perform : for know, 
he who difobeys, affronts not me, but Saturn 
himfclf, who hath commiffioned me to difpenfe 
his laws, not in a dream, but face to face. He 
was not bound in chains, nor rough and dirty, 
as the foolilh painters and poets reprefent him, 



but had a fharp knife in his hand, appeared 
ftrong and chearful, and was dreffed in a royal 
robe : fuch was his form when he appeared to 
me. Thofe divine things which he delivered, 
it is fitting that I impart unto you. Long had 
he obferved me walking, with downcaft eyes, in 
deep meditation : and well he knew, as gods 
know all things, the caufe of my melancholy, 
and what I fuffered from penury. In the worft 
of weathers, 1 had but one poor garment to 
cover me : there was nothing but cold wind, 
froil, and fnow, and I was ill prepared for them. 
With grief I faw the approaching celebrity ; 
when others were getting ready their feafts and 
facrifices, I, alas ! had nothing feftival about 
me : then it was that the god, coming behind, 
and fliaking me by the * ear, as he was wont ; 
" Chronofolon, (faid he,) why art thou thus 
afflifted ?'* " With too much reafon, (replied 
1,) when I behold the vilell and mofl abandon- 
ed, and thofe alone revelling in riches and fplen- 
dor, whilft I, and many other learned and in- 
genious men, languifh in poverty and defpair : 
neither will you, my mafter, put an end to thefe 
things, and bring us all upon a level." " That 

By the ear.} — — Cynthius aurem 



2^8 C H R O N O S O L O N. 

(faid he) cannot be done : what Clotho and the 
Parc^ ordain, I cannot reverfe ; but, as far as 
my fefllval extends, I Vvill relieve you; and 
thusitHiall be done : go this inftant, Chrono- 
folon, and write me fome laws, fuch as may 
bind the rich during this folemni. ] ^ that they 
may not feaft for themfelves alone, but give 
you a Ihare in the banquet." " Alas ! (cried 
i,) I know not how to make laws." " Then 
(faid he) I will teach you.** He began, and 
when I had learned, " Now (faid he) tell them, 
if they do not obey, wo unto them ! vainly, 
if I am not avenged, do 1 hold this knife ; and 
lit objedt of ridicule Ihould I be, if I, who made 
vife of it againfl my father * Coelus, fhould not 
do it againfl the violators of my own facred 
laws : let them get their flutes and cymbals, 
and wait upon the -f great goddefs ; for I fhall 
foon qualify them for it." Such were his threats ; 
it will become you all, therefore, to take care 
you do not difobey the following laws. 


LET no bufinefs, public or private, be done 
during the feflival, except that which contri- 

* Cielus.l Alluding to the old ablurd fable of Saturn's 
making a eunuch ot his father Coelus, to prevent (an excel- 
lent fcheme for fons and heirs) his having any other chil- 

t 7he great goddcfi,'] Cybele, the wife of Saturn. 



butes towards fporr, pleafure, and delight, cooks 
and bakers : let none work but cooks and bakers. 

Let freemen and flaves, rich and poor, be all 
upon a level. 

Let no man be affronted at, angry with, or 
threaten another. 

Let none be obliged to account for the things 
intiufted to their care during the feftival. 

Let no enquiry be made into the money or 
garments diflributed. 

Let there be no writing, no public exercifes, 
no dilputes, no fpeeches, except fuch as are 
jocular and facetious, and may promote mirth 
and jollity. 


LET the rich, fome time before the feftival, 
write down on a tablet the names of their 
friends, with what they intend to give them, 
which fhall be of money, about a tenth part of 
their annual income ; beiides out of their ap- 
parel, and all that belongs to them, whatever 
is fuperfluous, mean, dirty, or unfuitable to 
their rank and condition : let all this be eot 
ready, and the night before the feftival, let them 
go through the neccffary purgation, by throw- 
ing off" all their avarice, meannefs, love of 
filthy lucre, and all thofe bad qualities which 


300 C H R O N O S O L O N. 

generally attend them. When they are thus 
cleanfed, let them facrifice to Jupiter, the giver 
of good things ; Mercury, the beneficent ; and 
the generous Apollo. 

Diilribution being made according to every 
man's rank and fortune, let the prefents be fent 
to their friends before fun-fet. 

Let thofe who carry the prefents, not be more 
than three or four of the mofl faithful and oldeft 

Let it be infcribed on the tablet what is fent, 
and how much, that the carriers may not be 
fufpefted of fraud. 

Let the fervants drink only one cup before 
they return, and not aik for any more. 

Let a double portion of every thing be fent 
to the men of letters ; for it is their due. 

Let the meffage, fent with the prefents, be 
modeft, and in few words : nothing that can 
give offence ; no boadings of their value. 

Let no rich man fend any thing to the rich, 
nor invite him to the feaft. 

Let nothing be kept back of that which is 
appointed to be given ; nor the intended bene- 
ficence repented of. 

If the-perfon, for whom the gift is defigned, 

be abfent one year, let it be referved for him 

the next. 



Let the rich pay the debts of their poor 
friends, and the rent of their houfc, if they can- 
not afford to pay for it themfelves ; and let 
them enquire fome time before, what it is the 
indigent moft ftand in need of. 

Let not the receiver murmur or complain ; 
but, whatever be the prefent, let it feem a great 

Let no hares, caiks of wine, or fat hens, be 
fent as prefents at this feflival ; but whatever a 
man fhall receive at the Saturnalia, let him not 
laugh at, or turn into ridicule. 

J-^et the man of letters, who receives a pre- 
fent, fend back, in return, fome ancient book, 
if he has any that are good, and fuitable to the 
occafion ; or fome work of his own ; whatever 
he pleafes : this let the rich man receive with a 
chcarful countenance, and read it immediately : 
if he throws it afide, or rejedts it, let him be- 
ware of the fharp knife, though the prefent 
he fent be ever fo great. 

Let others fend garlands, or crumbs of frank- 

If a * poor man fends a rich one garments, 

* If a poor ?nan, Cs'c] This is lingular : but it was, 
probably, either to punifh his folly, in giving away what 
he could not afford to thole who did not want it, or his de- 
fjgning craft, in making piefents to the rich, in hopes of 
lecciving twice as much from the.-n in return. 


302 C H R O N O S O L O N. 

or filver or gold, more than he can afford, kt 
it be lodged in Saturn's public treafury ; and, 
the next day, let the poor man receive from the 
rich two hundred and fifty ftrokes on his hand 
with a cane. 


EXACTLY at twelve let the company bathe. 

Let the nuts and dice be produced before 

Let all fit down to dinner promifcuoufly, 
and jufl: as chance fliall place them. 
^ Let neither birth, rank, or fortune, make 
any dlftindtion during the feaft. 

Let all drink of the fame wine ; and let no 
diforder of the head or flomach of the rich man, 
be an excufe for giving him a better fort. 

Let the meat be diftributed equally to all. 

Let the fervants fhew no favour or affetftion 
to any ; without negledt, and without delay : 
let them not give more, or better, to one than 
to another; but let every thing be in common. 

Let the cup-bearer be quick-fighted and at- 
tentive to every gueil, more than to his mafler. 

Let there be cups of all forts. 

•]• Convivial /rtiw.] From thefe it is not improbable but 
Ben Johnfon might take the hint of his Leges Convivaleg, 




Let the cup of frieiidfliip go round, and all 
drink to all, even before the maftcr of the feafl, 

;j; Let no man drink who is not able to drink. 

Let no raw and ignorant dancer or fidler 
be introduced, but thofe only who arc perfe(St 
in their art. 

Let every one joke and rally as much as he 
pleafes, provided that he does it with decency, 
and hurts nobody. 

Above all, let nobody play at dice for any • 
thing but nuts : if any man plays for him, 
let him have no victuals the next day. 

Let every man ftay as long as he pleafes, 
and go away when he likes. 

If the mafter invites Haves to the feafl, both 
he and his friends fliall wait upon them. 

Let every rich man take care that thefe laws 
be infcribed on a brazen column in the middle 
of his hall ; there to be read by every one. 

And be it known, that, 
as long as this column remaineth, never fliali 
famine, peftilence, fire, or any evil thing, come 
upon that houle; but if ever, which heaven 
avert ! it fhould be deftroyed, wo be to them I 
it is not our fault. 

t Let no man,'] An excellent maxiin : read it, ye 
•c juntry 'fquires, and hofpitable men of Dublin, and do 
uox. kill your friends -vvhh kindnefs. 

S A^ 

The poor MAN's PETITION. 


i/" Luc I AN has a Fault it is perhaps, that offome 
times dwelling too long on a SuhjeSi, and fqueezing 
it, like Ovid, to its laji Dregs. This Jeems to be 
the Cafe with regard to the Saturnalia, the Ridi- 
cule of which he is loth to part with, and has 
therefore given us thefe Epifiles, where, though 
there is a good Deal of Humour in them, many 
of the fame Compliments are made, and the fam,e 
Thoughts repeated, which we met with in the two 
preceding Pieces. The Anfwer of the Rich at 
the Conclufion is excellent, and contains fome juft 
Obfervations, which are confirmed by daily Ex- 

1 WROTE you word fome time ago in what 
a miferable condition I was, and that I was 
only the worfe for your feftival -, if I remember 
right, I then intimated to you that I thought 
it unreafonable that fome fhould abound in 
riches, happinefs, and pleafure, without im- 
parting any tiling to the poor, whilil others 
were ftarving : and at the time of the Saturna- 


lia, as I received no anfwer from you, I thought 
proper once more to remind you of it. It cer- 
tainly becomes you, moft excellent Saturn, to 
put an end to this unequal diflribution of 
things, and begin the feftival. As things are 
now, every man is, as the * proverb fays, either 
an ant, or a camel. Suppofe a tragedy adlor 
before you with a high -j- bufkin on one foot, 
and nothing on the other ; according to whicli 
he treads upon, he mufl, you fee, be high or 
low, when he comes on the ftage : and thus it 
is with human life, which is fhamefully unequal; 
fome ftrut in high flioes, which fortune helps 
them to, and trample upon us with tragic pomp 
and infolence, whilft we crawl upon the ground, 
though, as you well know, we could ad oui* 
parts as well, and ftrut as grandly as they can 
do, if any body would furnilh us with the 

* The proverb. '\ Gr. (j.v^u.r,^ ») y.Kp.vAo,-, an ant or a cameT, 
the largeft oppofed to the lealt of creatures. This proverb 
was ufually applied to all things in the extreme, and is here 
meant to lignlfy, that all men were at that time either very 
rich or very poor. 

t Bujhin.l The ancient tragedy bufkins were like flilts, 
and railed the after fome inches. Our own were formerly, 
it is probable, of the fame nature, as we learn from Shak- 
fpeare : 

" Your ladyOiIp (fays Hamlet to the aftrefs), Is higher 
by a CHOPiNE than when I faw you bit." 

VPL, IV. X Th8 



The. poets have long fince told us that it was ^ 
not fo when * you held the reins of empire, 
when the earth yielded her fruits without plough- 
ing or fowing, and every man eat and drank 
as much as he pleafed ; the rivers flowed with 
milk and wine, and fome with honev. Men 
thenifclves were all gold, and no fuch thing as 
poverty ever came near them : our*s on the 
contrary is fcarce worthy to be called a leaden 
age, it is even of a bafer metal ; a living is 
hardly to be gained by toil and labour, and 
there is nothing but penury, murmuring, and 
defpair amongfi us. But all this you well know 
ive could bear with patience, did we not at the 
fame time behold the rich in fuch affluence and 
profperity, locking up their gold and filver, 
wearbg rich garments, buying ilaves and cha- 
riots, with whole fields and villages ; and fo far 
from parting with any thing to the poor and 
needy, that they will not deign even to look 
upon us : this, O Saturn, we think ihameful 
and intolerable, that the great fhould revel in 
purple, and feaft forever, whilfll and my poor 
companions are toiling night and day to get a 
few farthings for bread, pulfe, and onions, to 
fup on. 

* i''ou hcld^ ^c.'] In the Golden Age, which Virgil call?, 
— >«-. Saturnia regaa. 



On you, Saturn, we depend, eithey: to change 
thefe things, and bring us all on a level, or, 
which is the lafl: refource, command the rich 
not to enjoy every thing by themfelves, but 
give us a quartern out of their bufliel ; and, 
before time and the moths have eat up all their 
garments, to bellow fome of them upon us to 
clothe ourfelves withal, rather than let them 
mould in their chells ; command them to in- 
vite, now and then, four or five of us to fup- 
per, not after the prefent mode, but in a liberal 
and noble manner, that we may all be partakers 
of their bounty : let not one man furfeit him- 
felf with dainties, his flave {landing by him till 
he can eat no longer, nor when the fervant 
comes to us, and we flretch out our hand, let him 
pafs by and only fhew us the relics, without 
fuffering us to tafte them, give their mafler the 
whole hog, and then throw us the bones. Let 
us not be forced to afk the cup-bearer half a 
dozen times for a draught, but when the mafler 
orders him, let him pour it out immediately, 
and give us a bumper : above all, let every 
body have the fame wine, for where is the law 
that fays one man fhall get drunk with Cyprus 
whilft another is cholicked with metheglin ? 

Whenever, Saturn, you Ihall make this re- 
formation, then will a feaft be ibmething like a 
X 2 feafl. 


feaft, and ^ life be life indeed ; but if you do 
not, let them keep the feftival to themfelves, 
whilft we fit down and pray moft heartily that 
when they come out of the bath, their fervants 
may fall down and break the jugg ; that their 
• cooks may fpoil their broth with fat, or, think- 
ing of fomething elfe, pour fifh-fiiuce upon 
their lentiles ; that vvhilfl their fcullions are ab- 
fent, a dog may fteal in, fall upon their forced- 
meat, and devour their cheefe-cakes ! May 
their wild boars, flags, and pigs, whilft they 
are roafling, do, like -f- Homer's oxen of the 
fun, or rather not only creep as they did, but 
leap away into the mountains, fpits and all, and 
their fat hens, even after their feathers are 
plucked, fly away, that they may not thus eat 
all their dainties alone ! May the ants, which 
will vex them moft, fuch as we read of in In- 
dia, dig up their treafures, and bring them 
forth to public view ! May their fine cloaths, 

•* Lzfcy iffc.'\ Gr. $iov ^iv nv 0ias/ : the analogy between 
the two languages in this expreffion is remarkable. 

•j- Hower's oxefz.'] This ftrange ftory is told in the twelfth 
book of the Odyffey, wheie we read that 

along the ground 

Crept the raw hides, and with a bellowing found, 
Roar'd the dead limbs ; the burning entrails groan'd. 
See Pppe's Homer's Odylfey, book iv. 1. 464. 



from the negligence of their fervantSj be eat 
through by our good friends the mice, and 
look like a lieve, or a fifliing net ! May their 
pretty pages with long hair, their Hyacinthu- 
fes, and NarciiTuffes, whilft they are holding 
the cup to them, become bald, and their beards 
grow rough and fharp, like Satyrs in a comedy! 
May thele, and a thoufand other evils fall upon 
the rich, if they will not leave off their ava- 
rice and felfillinefs, and give us a portion of 
their abundance ! 


To our dearly beloved — — health, 

H O W, my good fi lend, could you be fo 
abfurd as to write to me about the prefent flate 
of human affairs, enjoining me to make a more 
equal diftribution of things ? this is not my 
bulinefs, but belongs to him who is now the 
great governor. I amfurprifed to find, you are 
the only one who does not know, that I, who 
formerly held the reins, am no * longer ruler, 
having divided the empire amongft my chil- 
dren, and that the care of all thefe things be- 
longs now to Jupiter : my power is confined to 

* No longer, l^cJ] This repeated from the Saturnalia. 
X 3 dice. 


dice, finging, and drinking, and that only for 
feven days : for your requeft, therefore, to re- 
form thefe inequalities, and fet you all upon a 
level, I muft refer you to Jove, who alone is 
anfvverable for them. If, indeed, during my 
feftival, any injury is committed through fraud, 
avarice, or injuftice, I fhall take cognizance of 
it ; and for that purpofe, I have written to the 
rich with regard to their fuppers, their gold, 
and garments, and ordered them to fend you 
fome at my feftival ; this, as you fay, is but jull 
and right, and they will do as they ought, un- 
lefs they can produce any good reafons to the 

In the mean time, permit me to inform yoi*t, 
the poor and indigent, that you are much de- 
ceived in your opinions concerning the rich and 
great : to think that they alone are happy, 
and live a life of pleafure, becaufe they have 
coftly fuppers, get drunk with fweet wine, and 
are clothed in foft garments : you know not 
the real truth, nor how much care and trouble 
thefe things bring along with them ; they are 
obliged to watch continually that their ftewards 
may not ncgled: their affairs, or cheat and im- 
pofe i^pon them, to take care that their wine 
docs not grow four, and their corn rot ; that 
fome thief does not ileal away their cups, that 



informers do not make the populace believe that 
they mean to eftablifh tyranny and arbitrary 
power. Thefe are not a thoufandth part of 
the miferies they are fubje(5t to ; if you knew 
half the terrors and uneafinefs they undergo, 
riches were the very things which you would 
moft wiih to avoid. 

Befides all this, if there was any thing fo very 
defirable in riches and empire, do you think I 
fhould, myfelf, have been fuch a fool as to 
give them both up, and live retired under the 
dominion of another ? but, as I well knew the 
conlequence of being rich and great, I refigned, 
and well it Vv^as for me, all thoughts of it. 

With regard to the complaint you make, of 
their revelling in wild boars and fine cakes, 
whilft you, even on feaft days, are glad to feed 
on creiies, leeks, and onions ; the cafe is fairly 
thus : at the time when they are eaten, both are 
equally fweet, and, perhaps, equally innocent, 
but in their confequences extremely different ; 
for, you do nor, like them, rife the next day 
with the head-ach, or breathe forth the nau- 
leous ftench of a four ftomach from repletion ; 
add to this, that they are incited by iuft and 
luxury to fpend their nights in riot and de* 
bauchery, and thence contract fevers, drop» 
Ccs, inflammations of the lungs, and a thoufand 
X 4 othet 


other diforders. Shew me one of them who 
does not look pale and livid, like a carcafe j if 
they arrive at old age, are not three parts of 
them deprived of the ufe of their legs, and car- 
ried about by their fervants ? They have a 
golden appearance without, but within, are 
patched up, like player's garments, with the 
pooreft rags and tatters. Fifli, you never tafle, 
neither are you troubled, like thofe who do, 
with gouts and palfies. Add to this, that eat- 
ing perpetually of thefe things, and more than 
enough, it gives them very little pleafure, and 
you often fee them as fond of herbs and onions, 
as you can be of hares and wild boars. I fhall 
pafs over a thoufand other misfortunes which 
they are liable to, fuch as profligate children, 
wives that fall in love with their fervants, and 
women that yield to them more from neceffity 
than affedion* There are many others which 
you know nothing of, whilft you only look up- 
on .their gold and purple ; and when you fee 
them drawn in pomp by their white horfes, you 
j:^ape at, and admire them. But if you would 
negle(ft and defpife them, if you would not flare 
Tit their filver chariots, look at the rich jewels 
on their rings, or gaze upon their fine cloaths ; 
if you would let them alone to enjoy their riches 
by themfelves, they would then come of their 



own accord, and invite you to fup with them, 
merely that they might fhew you their cups, 
their beds, tables, and all their treafures, which 
are of no fervice to them, unlefs they are feen 
and admired ; and it is for your fake alone, 
that they value themfelves on the pofTeflion of 

This, my good friends, I have written for 
your comfort and fatisfacftion ; I have experi- 
enced both conditions, and fhall only add, that 
I hope you will celebrate my feftival as you 
ought, when you recolledt that you muft all 
foon quit this life, when the rich mult part 
from their riches, and you from your poverty. 
I fhall write, however, to them as I promifed, 
and I make no doubt but they will pay a pro- 
per regard to my letter. 


1 HAVE juft now received a letter from the 
Poor, complaining that you give them no- 
thing : they intreat me, therefore, to eftablifii 
an equality amongfl men, and to make all 
things common to all, that every one may have 
a part ; faying, that it is unjufl: for one man to 
have more than is neceffary ; and another, no- 
thing that is pleafant or agreeable. To which 

I an- 


I anfwered, that all thefe things belonged to 
Jupiter ; but that, with regard to the prefent 
time, or any injuries which were done to them 
during my feflival, I Ihould take them under 
confideration, and would write to you about it. 
What they require of you is, I think, very 
reafonable ; for how, fay they, flarving as we 
are with cold and hunger, Ihall we be able to 
Iceep the feflival? If, therefore, I would have 
them partake of it, they defire I would lay my 
commands on you, to give them fome of your 
cloaths, fuch as were not fit for you, or which 
you had no occaCon for, together with a little 
of your fpare money. This, if you would agree 
to, they will not complain of you to Jupiter ; 
but, if you deny them, they are refolved to pe- 
tition him for a new diftribution, the firft: time 
he fits to do juftice. This, indeed, I think you 
may very cafily do, out of the abundance which 
you polTefs. With regard to fuppers, they re- 
queft, that they may partake of them, and that 
you will not Ihut your doors againlt them, and 
feaft by yourfelves : whenever, which, it feems, 
happens but feldom, you do invite them, they 
have more uneafinefs than joy or pleafure, as 
they are fure to meet with a thoufand affronts 
and indignities, and particularly that of being 
fervcd with worfe wine than what you drink 



yourfelves : heavens ! how mean and illiberal 
is this ! I iwonder they do not rife up from 
table, and take their leave of you immediately. 
Then again, even of this they are not fuffered 
to drink as much as they like ; your cup- 
bearers, like the * companions of UlyiTes, feal 
up their ears with wax. The behaviour, be- 
fides, of your fervants, in the divifion of the 
meat, is fo bad, that I am almoft afliamed to 
mention it ; whilft you are gorging, they pafs 
by thefe poor wretches, and take no notice of 
them ; with many other tricks of this kind that 
are very unworthy of you. Equality is the life 
and foul of feflivals, and, for this purpofe, a 
diflributor is appointed, to take care that. every 
body Ihall have their fhare. Let them, there- 
fore, no longer complain againft, but love and 
honour you ; let them partake of what you can 
very well afford to part from, and which, at the 
fame time, they will alwa} s remember with gra- 
titude. Consider that you cannot yourfelves 
live any where with comfort, unlefs you have 

• Companions, £ifr.] Alluding to this paflage. 
The duftilewax, with buly hands I mould, 
And cleft in fragments, and the fragments roll'd; 
Then ev'ry ear I barr'd againft the llrain. 
And from excefs of frenzy lock'd the brain. 

See Pope's Homei's OdyfTey, b. 12. 1. 218. 



the poor with you, who muH furnifh you wita 
a thoufand^ things neceiTary to your happinefs, 
if they are not there to admire, your treafures, 
they are all buried in obfcurity. Let then the 
multitude come and fee them, let them gaze 
upon your filver, gold, and fine tables, and 
whilll they put round the cup of friendfhip, 
let them weigh it well, and mark how beau- 
tiful, how highly wrought, and finifhed it is : 
add to this, that they will praife your good- 
Fjature and humanity, and you will no longer 
be the objedl of their envy, for who envies the 
liberal and bounteous man, who does not wilh 
him long life, health, and happinefs ? But, as 
you behave yourfelves at prefenr, your riches 
make you the butt of envy ; ^our profperity 
has no witneffes, and your life no pleafure or 

To feed by ourfelves like lions, wolves, and 
tygers, is furely by no means fo pleafant as to 
}ive in agreeable fociety ; in the company of 
men of parts and genius, who will not fuffer the 
fcail to be dull and unentertaining, who can en- 
liven it with focial mirth and feilivity. Thefe 
arc the convivial joys which Bacchus, Venus, 
and the Graces love ; this will gain you the 
goodwill of all who hear it, an advantage well 
worth endeavouring to obtain. For, let me afk 



you, if there were no poor, to fee your riches, 
to admire your fine cloaths, your houfehold, 
and attendants, would not you be very unhap- 
py ? Not to mention the hatred and ill-will you 
would inevitably draw upon you, by living for 
yourfelves alone ; their curfes pronounced a- 
gainft you, are dreadful indeed; never may 
they be fulfilled ! for then, nor cake nor forced- 
meat mufl you tafte, except what the dogs fhall 
leave you ; your lentiles fhall fmell of fifli, 
your boars and flags run out of the kitchen, 
your hens fly off to the poor, your glafles be 
all broke, and your pages be all bald. For 
the future, therefore, take care that my fefli- 
val be celebrated as it ought to be, and that 
you relieve the poor and indigent, whom, by a 
little timely afliftance, you may make moll ex- 
cellent and ufeful friends, 


NOT to you alone, O Saturn, have the poor 
made their complaints : Jupiter is every day 
ftunned with their clamouiSj importuning him 
to make a new diflribution of things, accufing 
Fate of inequality and injuftlce, and us alfo for 
beftowing nothing upon them j but he knows 



very well where the fault lies, and therefore 
turns a deaf ear to their petitions. For our- 
felves, we have coniidered of what you wrote 
to us, are convinced that it is our duty to re- 
lieve the indigent, and that to admit the poor 
to our feafl will make them more agreeable to 
ourfelves, and have therefore taken care to 
give them fuch an equal portion as may remove 
all juft caufeof complaint amongft them. But 
the truth is, thefe men, who at firft pretended 
they wanted but little, when once our doors 
were opened to them, were perpetually afking 
for more and more ; and if their requeft was 
not immediately complied with, we met with 
nothing but ill-will, anger, and abufe from 
them ; if any lie was propagated againft us, it 
was foon as thoroughly believed by the croud 
as if they knew it to be true ; fo that we are re- 
duced to this alternative, if we give them no- 
thing, to make them our inveterate enemies $ 
or if we permit them to take all, to be as poor 
as them, and become beggars ourfelves : this 
might be borne, but which is ftill v/orfe, when 
they are invited, they never think they have 
enough, and yet after gorging rhemfelves, and 
drinking a great deal mvn"e than they oi:ght, 
they make no fcruple of endedvcuiing in their 
cups to debauch your wife or miftreis; and 



whilft they are puking upon your beft bed,' 
rail at and abufe you, and complain of being 
flarved. If you think this impoffible, recoiled: 
the flory of your own parafite Ixion, who when 
admitted to the table of the gods, got drunk, 
and moft generoufly made an attempt on the 
chaftity of Juno. 

Such, with many others of the fame kind, 
are the reafons which induced us, for our own 
fakes, to fhut our doors againfl them ; but if 
they will promife, and you will be anfwerabie 
for them, that for the future they will be mo- 
derate in their requefts, and will not affront or 
abufe us, they fhall come to our feafts, and be 
welcome to them ; we will fend them, ac- 
cording to your commands, fome of our 
cloaths, and what money we can fpare : let 
them leave off their tricks and bad behaviour, 
and, inftead of flatterers and parafites, become 
our friends; if, in fhort, they will do their 
duty, we will not be deficient in our's, nor 
fhall you have any reafon to find fault with 

h A- 

*L A P I T H ^, 


B A N CL U E T, 


It has frequently been ohferved, hy both Ancients 
and Moderns, that, to the Reproach of Human 
Nature, wife Men are fometimes as foolijh as 
other People, Lucian, to convince his Readers 
of this Truth, gives us an Account of a Feqfl, 
where the Philofophers, who were invited to it, 
got drunk, abufed, and beat one another : a Fact 
which might very prebably happen, and which 
Lucian here defer ibes with infinite Humour. 
The Parties concerned were, we may fuppofe, 
pretty well known ; and this Relation of their 
Behaviour muji have afforded no fmall EnteV' 
iainment to the Public. 

The Lapith^, a People of Thessalia, 
at a great Feafi, made on the Marriage of 
PiRiTHOus, their King, quarrelled with the 
Centaurs, fought, and routed them: in At- 
lufion to this, Lucian humor oujly calls his Phi- 
lofophers Feafi, Z/:?^ Lapithje. 

* — ne quis modlci tranfiliat munera Liberi, 
Centaurea monet cum Lapithis rixa fuper mero 
Debellata. Hor. 

See alfo Ovid. Met. b. xii. 

L A P I T H iE, &c. '^ii 

P H I L O. 

SO, you had variety of entertainment, 
yefterday at Ariftenaetus's : the philofo- 
phers, they tell me, had a great difpute ; 
and the affair even went fo far, if I may be- 
lieve Charinus, as to end in blows and blood- 



But how came Charinus, my dear Philo, to 
know any thing of the matter, when he did 
not fup with us ? 


He heard fo, he faid, from DIonicus, the 

phyfician, who, I fuppofe, was one amongft 



He was ; but not from the beginning ; as 
he came in late, about the middle of the bat- 
tle, and a little before any wounds were given : 
his account therefore, cannot be depended on, 
as he was not there when the quarrel began, 
nor acquainted with the caufe of it. 

And therefore it was, that Charinus himfelf 
defired us, if we Wiinted to know the truth, and 
every thing that paffed, to apply to you, as you 
knew all the circumftances exa<5i!y, and at- 

VoL. IV. Y tended 

322 L A P I T H ^, OR, 

tended carefully to what was faid and done : 
you will not, therefore, I am fure, refufe to 
give us this treat, which, to me, will be a moft 
agreeable one ; efpecially as we can enjoy the 
banquet here, with all fobriety, and out of the 
reach of danger, or blood- Ihed, whether the old 
men get drunk, and diflurb the company, or 
the young men grow warm, and are trouble- 
fome and impertinent. 

L Y C I N U S. 
You ihould not prefs me, Philo, to publlfli 
things that happen at a drinking bout, which, 
perhaps had better be buried in oblivion. It 
was all the work of Bacchus, who, we may 
fuppofe, defpifes all thofe who are not initiated 
into his facrcd rites, and will not celebrate his 
orgies : it is unlawful, therefore, to enqjire too 
nicely into thofe myfieries, from which the 
prophane fhould depart in filence ; befides, as 
the poet fays, 

* Nothing fo hateftil as a tell-tale guell:.'* 
Nor was it right in Dionicus to fay what he 
did to Charinus about the laft night's fupper 
with the philofophers : far be it from me to 
do any fuch thing. 

* Nofbhig^ C"V. ] Gr. IJ.17U {/.yriuovx cvi-'-Ttarriv, Agreeable 
to this, is Ben Johnlbn's rule, in his Leges Convivialcs. 
DiifU qui foras eliniinat, eliminctur. 

P H J L O, 

THE BAN Q^U E T. 325 

P H I L o. 

You are mighty delicate ; buf, in good truth, 
friend Lycinus, you fhould not pretend thus to 
impofe upon me, who very well know that you 
are more willing to tell than I am to hear it ; 
and that, if you could find nobody to llften to 
you, you would declare it open-mouthed, from 
beginning to end, to the firfl flatue that you 
met with. If I was to go away without hear- 
ing, I know you would run after, flop, and 
intreat me. I will be as nice and delicate as 
you, and take myfelf away : I can aik fome- 
body elfe, fo you need not trouble yourfelf. 

Good Philo, do not be angry ; fince 3'ou are 
fo very defirous, I will e'en tell you, but you 
muft not mention it to every body. 


If I know any thing of Lycinus, he will do 
that better himfelf: take care to tell every body, 
and fave me the trouble : but pray tell me, 
did Arifl^netus invite you to celebrate the mar- 
riage of his fon Zeno ? 


No ; it was the wedding of his daughter 
Cleanthis, Vv^hom he has juft married to the 
fon of Eucritus, the money- lender, a great ad- 
mirer of philofophy. 


324 L A P I T H .E, OR 

P H I L O. 

A very handfoine boy ; but, 1 fhould think, 
rather too yoimg for a wife. 

L y C I N u s. 

I fuppofe he could not pick out a more proper 
hufband, accomplished, as he is, with a fliorig 
bent to philofophy ; and, moreover, the only 
fon of Eucrifus^,-who i^ extremely rich : he was, 
furely, the very man Ariftaenetus could have 
ivilhed for. 

P H I L O. 

Such a fortune, indeed, was a good reafon ; 
but who were your guefts ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

Of philofopheis, for as to the refl you have 
no curiofity, there were, the old Stoic Zenothe- 
mis, and Diphilus, furnamed the * Labyrinth, 
Zeno's mafter : of the Peripatetics, Cleodemus, 
who, you know, is famous for the force and 
fubtilty of his arguments ; his fcholars call him 
the Sword and Scythe. There was, likewife, 
Hermon, the Epicurean, whom the Stoics 
looked upon with an evil eye ; no better, you 

• The Lalyrbith.^ Alluding to his fubtle and perplexed 
manner of dlfputing. This puts us in mind of the nick- 
names formerly given to ourfchoolmen ; fuch as, the irre- 
fragable Doftor, the Angelic Dodor, &c. 



may fuppofe, than a parricide and a murtherer, 
Thefe were invited, as being Ariftirnetus's 
raoft intimate friends ; and with them came 
Hiftisus, the grammarian, and Dionyfodorus, 
the rhetorician. The bridegroom, Chserea, in- 
troduced alfo Ion, the Platonic, who was his 
mafter, whofe perfon and appearance were truly 
refpedtable ; uprightnefs and integrity fhone 
forth in his countenance, wherefore he was ge- 
nerally flyled the Model, in allufion to the rec- 
titude of his conduct : on his entrance, every 
body rofe up, and paid him reverence, as to 
a fuperior being ; there was, indeed, in his air 
and manner, fomething truly god-like and 

The couch, on the right hand, as you entered, 
was filled with a number of * women ; and, 
amongft them, furrounded by her friends, the 
bride, covered with a long veil : oppoiite to 
the door, was another large company, ranged 
according to their rank and dignity. Over- 
againft the women fat Eucritus, and next him 

* iromen.'\ The women, we fee, had a couch to thetn- 
icUes, and did not fit amongft the men : no wonder that 
the feaft fhould refemble that of the Lapkhse, nothing but 
noife and quarrels. I appeal to the ladies, whether thefe 
polite Greeks, whom we fo much admire, were not ahfoluto 

Y % Ariftffi- 


L A P I T H^, OR 

Ariftsenetus : apd now a little difpute arofe, 
whether the precedency fliould be given to the 
old Stoic Zenothemis, or Hermon, the Epi- 
curean, who was pried of-f- the Diofcuri, and 
of the firft family in the city. Zenothemis cut 
this matter (hort, by crying out, " If you place 
me behind that Epicurean, not to fay any thing 
more of him, I fiiall leave you to feaft by your- 
felves J I am going :" and fo faying, he called 
the boy, and pretended to be marching off: 
upon which, " Take the firft feat, if you 
pleafe, (faid Hermon ;) but, I think, how- 
ever you may defpife the Epicurean, you might 
have given place to the prieft," " I laugh at the 
prieft and the Epicurean too," replied Zeno- 
themis ; and immediately fat down, and Her- 
mon next him : then Cleodemus, the Peripate- 
tic ; then Ion ; and, after him, the bridegroom ; 
I followed ; next to me fat Diphilus ; and, 
below him, his fcholar Zeno, with Hiftiaus and 

P H I L O. 

This was, indeed, a moft elegant entertain- 
ment, the banquet of the Mufes. I honour 
Ariftienelus much, for coUeding together fo 
many ingenious men, not preferring one k6t, 

; f Diofcuri.] Caftor and Pollux. 


THE BAN Q^U E T. -27 

and rejecfting another j but thus inviting the 
flower of each. 

L Y C I N U S. 

He is i^ot like the generality of rich men, 
but a lover of the wife and learned, with whom 
he has fpent the greateft part of his life. But 
to proceed : the firft part of the evening paflcd 
off quietly ; we had an elegant and plentiful 
fupper : you do not want an exaft account of 
our meat and drink ; it is fufficient to fay, we 
had enough of every thing. In the midfl: 
of the entertainment, Cleodemus leaned over, 
and whifpered to Ion : " Look (for I over- 
heard them) at that old fellow, (meaning Ze- 
nothemis,) how he gorges the haili ! his cloaths 
are all daubed with the fup : obferve how 
he hands the vidluals to the boy that ftands ba- 
hind him, not thinking that he is feen by the 
company. Pray tell Lycinus, that he may 
take notice of him,'* But there was no occa- 
fion for Ion's pointing it out to me, as I had 
myfelf obferved him fome time before. 

Scarce had Cleodemus faid this, when in 
rulhed Alcidamas, the Cynic, making ufe of 
the old adage; " * Menelaus comes when he 


• Menelaus^ Csft'.] Alluding to that paflage in the fecond 
y 4 book 

£23 L A P I T HiE, OR 

pleafes." Many people thought it very imper- 
tinent, and fome muttered, 

" Thou raved, O Menelaus.** 
Others cried out, 

*' -f The great Atrides likes not this" 

Several hints of this kind were privately thrown 
out, but nobody ventured openly to attack him, 
as he was one of the moft noify and petulant 
fellows of the whole {e&, infomuch that he 
intimidated every body : Ariftsenetus, however 
beckoned to, bade him take a chair, and fit 
down by Hiftijeus and Dionyfodorus. " No, 
no, (cried he,) no fitting in chairs, or laying on 
couches, for me ; it is mean and effeminate 
to loll on couches, and crawl on the ground, 
as you do, and eat your vid:uals with your pur- 
ple garments under you. I ihall ftand upright, 
and fup as I walk; and, when I am tired, lay 
me down in my cloak, and go to fleep." " So 
you may, if you pleafe," faid Arifta^netus ; and, 

book of the Iliad, where it is faid, fpeaking of Agamem- 
nou's feaft, 

Menelaus came, unbid, the laft. 

From this circumiliance, as related by Homer, tnfling as it 
may appear, when any body came to a feaft, uninvited, 
be was called a Menelaus : and this, it feems, was the 
cafe with the Cynic Alcidamas. 

t T/je great JfriJes, t3'c.] Gr. ccM.' hk ATfu^r> Ayx^i^vm 
9i»^<e» Of^a;. - See III b. i. 1. 24. 



THE BAN Q^U E T. 329 

accordingly, the Cynic walked all round, and 
took his flipper where he liked, changing his 
camp like the Scythians, flopping wherever he 
found the beft pafture, and following the fer- 
vants as they carried the meat about : in the 
mean time, whilft he was eating, he did not 
forget 10 difpute about the nature of virtue and 
vice, and to talk about his contempt of riches ; 
afked Arift^enetus what he did with fo many- 
fine gold and filver cups, when wooden ones 
would have been juft as ufeful : as foon, how- 
ever, as he began to grow troublefome, Arif- 
tsneius quitted him, by making figns to the 
boy to give him a large cup of wine, and make 
it pretty flrong : this, he thought, was doing 
a great thing, little imagining how many bad 
confequences would afterwards arife from it : 
for the prefcnt, however, Alcidamas was fi- 
lenced, and, as he had threatened but juft be- 
fore, laid himfelf down, half naked, on the 
floor, leaning his head on his arm, with the 
cup in his hand, as they paint Hercules at the 
feaft of the Centaurs. 

The wine now went round ; they drank to, 
and chatted with each other, till at length 
lights were brought in ; when 1 obferved a 
pretty little girl who ftood behind Cleodc- 
mus, fimpcring at him (for I muft tell you 



30 L A P I T H^, OR 

every remarkable circumftance that happened 
on this occafion), I watched narovvly to find 
out what Ihe laughed at, and next time Ihe 
came near to tak-" the cup from him, I obferved 
Cleodemus fqueezing her hand, and putting 
fome money into it ; the girl fmiled at the 
fqueezing of her hand, but 1 believe did not 
feel the money, for two drachmas fell down 
between them, and making a noife, which was 
overheard by the company, they both blufhed ; 
thofe who fat next to them could not tell whom 
the money belonged to, as the girl denied they 
were meant for her, and Cleodemus, though the 
noife was clofe to him, would not own that he 
had dropped them ; the thing therefore paffed 
over unnoticed, as fcarce any body, T believe, 
had feen what was done but Arida^netus, who 
ordered the girl out privately, and placed an 
old oftler, or groom, behind Cleodemus in 
her (lead. Thus the affair ended, which, if 
one had not dexteroully concealed, would have 
brought much fhame and ignominy on the 

And now Alcidamas, who had got to drink- 
ing again, enquiring the bride's name, com- 
manded filence, and fixing his eyes on the wo- 
men, with a loud voice cried out, " Cleanchis, 

I drink 

TkE BAN QJJ E f. 331 

I drink to you, this is the cup of Hercules :" at 
this the company laughed ; «' What do you 
laugh at, faid he, becaule I drank to the bride, 
and called on Hercules ? But let me tell you, if 
Ihe does not pledge me, fhe will never have a 
fon like me, ftrong in body and mind, and in- 
vincible;" faying this, he Ihewed part of his 
naked body in a moft indecent manner; the 
guefts laughed, and he got up in a violent paf- 
fion, and looked fo fierce and furious, that it 
was plain he did not mean to be quiet much 
longer ; he would certainly, indeed, have 
knocked down fomebody with his club, if he 
had not, jull: in the nick of time, met with a 
fine cake, which cafling his eyes upon, he im- 
mediately grew calm, forgot his refentment, 
and devoured it. 

And now, many were got drunk, and the 
feail was nothing but noifeand clamour. The 
rhetorician repeated fome of his good things, 
at which the fervants, who l^ood behind, 
laughed immoderately; the grammarian, who 
fat next to him, patched together a parcel 
of verfes from Pindar, Heliod, and Anacreon, 
and made a ridiculous jumble of them all; 
amongft the reft, as if he had been a prophet, 
he repeated, 


332 L A P I T H ^, OR 

* Now (hleld with ftiield, with helmet helmet clos'd^ 
To armour armour, lance to lance oppos'd, 
Victors and vanquifli'd join promifcuous cries. 
And ftirilling Ihouts, and dying groans arife, 

Whilft Zenothemis read a manufcript in the 
fmalleft charadlers, which he had taken from 
otie of the waiters. 

In the interval between the courfes, Ariflse- 
netus, that no part of the time might be with- 
out feme entertainment, had taken care to pro- 
vide a buffoon, who was brought to fav or do 
any' thing comical or ridiculous that could di- 
vert the company ; the fellow came in, with his 
head fiiaved, and only a few hairs on it, and 
ilanding upright, diflorted his body in various 
poflures, danced about, and repeated fome 
verfes, that founded like Egyptian, throwing 
out now and then fome jells on the com- 
pany ; which mod of them fmiled at ; but when 
he attacked Alcidamas, and called him the dog 
of Meiita, the Cynic grew angry, for he was 
before affronted at his admittance to the feaft, 
and throwing down his cloak, he challenged 
him to fight, and faid, if he refufed, he would 
knock kim down with his club ; poor Satyrion, 
therefore, (for that was the fellow's name), 

* Notv JIneU, ^c] See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book 
iv, 1. 5 i 9. 



was forced to fland up, and fight with him* 
It was pleafant enough to fee a grave philofo- 
pher at cuffs with a buffoon, and thumping 
one another ; fome were pleafed at, and fom^ 
aihamed of it, till at lafl Alcidamas, worn out 
by repeated blows, was forced to yield to the 
fuperior ftrength and experience of little Saty- 
. rion ; this conclulion fet the whole table in a roar. 
A little after came in Dionicus, the phyfi- 
cian, who had been detained by his attendance 
on Polyprepon, the mufician, who was mad, 
concerning whom he told a very diverting ftory. 
He had called it feems upon him, not knowing 
any thing of his diforder, v/hen the madman 
immediately rofe up, Ihut the door, drew his 
fword, and holding a flute in his hand, com- 
manded Dionicus to play upon it, which he not 
being able to do, the mufician flruck him feVeral 
blows on his hand with a long whip ; in this ex- 
tremity, Dionicus bethought himfelf of a ftrata- 
gem, which was, to challenge the mufician to 
play with him, agreeing that the conquered 
Ihould receive fo many flripes from the vid:or : 
he then began himfelf, and after playing very 
badly, gave the flute to the mufician, taking 
the whip from him, and at the fame time lay- 
ing hold of his fword, threw it our at the win- 
dow, then called in the neighbours; who broke 


354 L A P I T H ^, OR 

open the dooFj and refcued him. He Ihewed 
us feveral marks of the whip, and fcratches 
on his face from the nsiils of his antagonift. 
This (lory made us laugh as much as the adven- 
ture of the buffoon. Dionicus then fat himfelf 
down by Hyfti^us, and went to fupper ; fome 
propitious deity, no doubt, fent him to us, and 
moft opportunely did he come, confidering what 
happened not long after. 

A fervant now came in, who it feems be- 
longed to Etamocles, the Stoic, with a paper 
in his hand, which he faid he was ordered to 
lead openly, in fome part of the room where he 
might be heard by every body, and then to re- 
turn : accordingly, Ariftgenetus having given 
him leave, he brought it to the light, and began, 

P H I L O. 
Some epithalamium, I fuppofe, with com- 
pliments to the bride, which is ufual on thefe 

L Y C I N U S. 
So we all imagined : but it proved to be a 
very different thing : for thus it ran : 


*' THAT I am no friend to banquets, ap- 
pears from my paft life ; every day have I been 


THE BAN Q^U E T. 335 

invited by men much greater than yourfelf^ 
but I would never go, as well knowing the 
noife, riot, and debauchery for ever attendant 
on them : I cannot at the fame time but take 
it ill, that you, whom I have always treated 
with fo much refpedt, Ihould leave me out of 
the lift of your friends, and that I alone Ihould 
be taken no notice of, though I am fo near a 
neighbour. I am not, indeed, forry on my 
own account, but on your's, who have behaved 
with fo much ingratitude. I can have dainties 
enough fent me from others, who know better 
how to treat me than you do ; but my happinefs 
does not depend on fuch things. This very 
day I could have fupped with my fcholar Pam- 
menes, who gives, 1 hear, a mofi: fumptuous 
entertainment ; but though he prelTed me 
warmly I refufed him, keeping myfelf difen- 
gaged, like a blockhead as I was, for you, who 
have deferted me to enjoy the company of 
others ; but I am not furprifed at it, as you 
have not a fufhcient comprehcniion of mind to 
diftingiiilh what is right and proper; but I knov/ 
whom 1 am '.Hebted to for this treatment, that 
I ow." it to thofe admirable philofophers, Ze- 
nothemis and the * Labyrinth, v/hom, vanity 
apart, 1 could make an end of with a linglc 

* The Labyrinth. \ Diphilus. See note p. 324. 


336 LAPITHJE, or 

fyllogifm. Let either of them tell me what phi- 
lofophy is, — or that firft queftion — what is the 
difference between, to have, and to hold ? not 
to mention the puzzling arguments, fuch as 
the -f creation, the forites, the mower, &c. 

" But enjoy fuch fj^iends, -if you pleafe ; I, 
who hold that alone to be good which isjufl: and 
honeft, can bear the indignity with patience. 
You cannot, however, fay in excufe for your 
condudtj that in the hurry and tumult of the 
occafion I had flipped your memory ; for I fa- 
luted you twice this day, early in the morning 
at your own houfe, and afterwards in the tem- 
ple of Caftor, where you went to facrifice ; and 
this fome of the company know very well. 
You will fay I am angry about a trifle, but re- 
member the flory of Oeneus : you may recol- 
lect that Diana was highly incenfed at him for 
not afking her to the facrifice, when he invited 
all the other deities. Homer fpeaks thus of it, 
— — * bade contention rife, 
In vengeance of neglefted facrifice. 
II Euripides alfo, 

In Caledonia, Pelops' happy foil, 

Beyond the feas, for fertile fields renown'd, Sec, 

^ The creation.'] See Diogenes Laertius, &c. Gr. p. 434. 
• Badc^ l^c.'] See Iliad, book ix. 1. 653. 
II Euripides al/o.] This is fuppofed to be taken from a 
trat^edy of Euripides, called Meleager, not now extant. 



'f And Sophocles, 

Latonia, goddefs of the lilvcr bow, 

To Oeneus' fields difpatch'd the dreadful boar, 

Thif, though much more I could have added, 

may fuffice to fhew you what kind of man you 

have affronted, only to pleafe Diphilus, whom 

you have thought proper to entruft with the 

care of your ion, and in this you are certainly 

.right ; he has an extraordinary affedion for the 

young man, and the young man for him ; if it 

were not for modefty's fake I could fay fome- 

thlng more on this head, and which Zopyrus, 

the i'ffidagogue, knows to be true; but I do 

not chufe to diflurb the fcftival by accufations, 

efpecially of this nature ; though Diphilus well 

deferves it, as he has already taken away tw^o 

fcholars from me ; bur, for the fake of philofo- 

phy, I fay no more. I have ordered my fervant, 

if your people offer him any vi<fluals, not to 

take any, that you may not think 1 fent him 

for that purpofe." 

Whilft this letter was rending, 1 mud own I 
fweated for Hiame and vexation : I wifhed as 
people fay, that the earth would open and 

t Jnd Sophocles.] The lines here quoted are alfo fup- 
pofed to have been taken fiom the Melcager of Sophocles, 
a tragedy which is not come down to us. 

Vol. IV. Z fwallow 

338 L A P I T H ^, o R 

fwallow mc up, rather than I ihould be forced 
to hear the loud laughs that followed every 
word, efpeclally from all thofe who were ac- 
quainted with Et^mocles, that grey-headed- 
fage, who always bore the character of a grave 
and refpedtable philofopher ; they began to fiif- 
pedt that they knew nothing of his real cha- 
rad:er, and to wonder how they could be fo 
deceived by a long beard, and a demure coun- 
tenance ; though it did not appear to me that 
Ariflsenetus left him out from any difrefpedt, 
but becaufe he did not expeft he would come 
if he had been invited, and had therefore never 
ifent to alk him. 

No fooner had the fervant done reading the 
letter, than the whole company fixed their eyes 
on Diphilus and Zeno, who both looked pale 
and terrified; confirming, by the change of 
their countenances, the fufpicions thrown out 
by EtiEmoclcs. AriilEEnetus, though he feem- 
ed, hiiiifelf, not a little difturbed at it, bade us 
drink away, fmiled, and endeavoured to turn 
it off as well as he could. He whifpered the 
fervant to take care of him, and a little after, 
Zeno got up, and flunk ofi' privately; the 
fchool-mafter fignifying to him, that, by his fa- 
ther's order?, he muft withdraw. 



And now, Cleodemus, who had long been 
watching for an opportunity, but could find 
none, of falling foul upon the Stoics, took 
occaiion, from the letter, to vent himfelf, and 
cried out, " Thefe are the works of the famous 
Chryfippus, Cleanthes, and the admirable Ze- 
no ; nothing but a few empty words, an idle 
queftion or two, and a few cuftoms caught 
from the philofophers; and, above all, the 
great Etsemocles, with his old- woman's epiftles ; 
Ariftanetus, it feems, is Oeneus, and he Diana. 

Hercules, what fine doings are thefe, and, 
no doubt, highly becoming and proper for fuch. 
a feftival r 

" By Jove, fald Hermon, who fate next 
above him, it is moft excellent; he had heard, 

1 fuppofe, that Ariftsenetus had a boar for fup- 
per, and this put him in mind of the Caledo- 
nian : in good truth, you Ihould fend him a 
ilice of it, left, like Meleager, he Ihould die 
with hunger; though one would think he 
ihould be fafe from that, as Chryfippus and his 
Stoics held all thefe things to be indifferent.'* 

Zenothemis then, rifing up, roared out, " How 

dare you abufe Chryfippus ? becaule one man is 

an impoftor, have you a right to condemn all 

the reft; or, becaufe Et^moc|es does not fpeak 

Z 2 like 

^40 L A P I T H ^, OR 

like a philofopher, are you to abufe Zeno and 
Cleanthes, men of fenfe and chai ader ? Did 
not you, Hermon, cut off the golden locks 
from the flatue of Caftor, and had not you like 
to have fuffered for it ? did not you, Cleode- 
mus, debauch the wife of your fcholar Soflra- 
tus, and did not you undergo a certain fhame- 
ful punifliment for it ?" ** I am not bawd, how- 
ever, to my own wife, (replied Cleodemus,) 
as fome folks are ; nor did I take a Granger's 
money to keep for him, and afterwards fwear 
that I never received it; nor do I take fifty 
per cent, on ufury, nor wring my fcholars necks 
when they don't pay me." " You cannot den}^, 
faid Zenothemis, but that you fold a certain 
liquor to Crato to poifon his father with." He 
then drank half a glafs of wine, and threw the 
reft in his face, part of it falling on Ion, who 
happened unfortunately to fit near him. Her- 
mon wiped the wine off his head, and called on 
the company to bear witnefs of the affront he 
had received. Cleodemus, who had no glafs, 
turned about, and fpit upon Zenothemis, then 
laying hold on his beard with his left hand, 
' beat him with the other in fuch a manner, 
that he would inevitably have killed the old 
man, if Ariftsnetus had not interpofed, thrown 



himfelf between the combatants;, and put an 
end to the fray. 

I could nor be an eye-witnefs of thefe things, 
my dear Philo^ without reflefting, as every one 
would naturally do, of how little fervice it is 
to be wife and learned, unlefs it influences our 
lives and manners. When I faw fome of the 
greatefl fcholars in the kingdom guilty of 
actions that made them fo ridiculous, I could 
not help thinking, that, as the vulgar fa}^, 
* Learning often draws afide from the paths 
of rieht reafon, thofe men who attend to no- 
thing but books, and the tenets and opinions 
contained in them : for, amongll all thofe phi- 
lofophers, fcarce one but was in fome way cul- 
pable, either by doing, or faying, what was 
unbecoming. Neither could this, as I refleded, 
be imputed to the wine ; as v/hen Etaemoclcs 
wrote his letter, he had neither eat nor drank. 
The whole affair, indeed, fell out differently 
from what might have been expcdled ; the ig- 
norant and illiterate neither got drunk, nor did 
or faid any thing indecent, only laughing at, 
and condemning thofe whom they had before 

*<' Lc^rfiiNg.] " And as he thus fpoke for himfelf, Feilus 
faid with a loud voice, Paul, thou art befide thyfelfj much 
learning hath made thee mad '* A6t3 xsvi. 24, 

Z q tae 


342 L A P I T H ^, o R 

the higheft opinion of, and whom they had 
been taught to reverence and admire : whilft 
the wife and learned grew wanton and lafcivious, 
drank to excefs, and did nothing butabufe and 
fight with one another. Even the great Alci- 
damas behaved indecently before the women; 
infomuch, that our feaft feemed to refemble 
that of the Gods which the poets tell us of at 
the nuptials of Feleus ; when Eris, not being 
invited to it, threw the apple amongft them, 
■which produced the long and dreadful Tro- 
jan war. The letter of Ersemocles fent in to us, 
feemed like another apple of difcord, and was 
attended with as fatal confequences. 

Zenothemis and Cleodemus ftill kept wrang- 
ling, though Ariflainetus fat between them : 
«' It is enough at prefent, cried Cleodemus, that 
I have convi6:ed you of ignorance ; to-morrow 
I fhall revenge myfelf in another manner : in 
the mean time, anfwer me, Zenothemis, or 
you, his moft noble Diphilus, how happens it, 
that whilft you hold the poffeffion of riches to 
be a matter of indifference, you are fo very de- 
firousof them, that you are always fo fond of 
being amongft the great, that you put out your 
money to intereft, take ufury upon ufury, and 
teach for hire > Again, how comes it about, 


THE BAN Q^U E T. 343 

whilft you find fault with pleafure, and con- 
demn the Epicureans, at the fame time you will: 
do and fuffer every thing for the fake of it, 
taking it ill if any body does not invite you to 
fupper, and when you are there, eat fo much, 
and give your fcrvant more ?" — Saying this, he 
endeavoured to fnatch away a difh from Zeno- 
themis's boy, full of all forts of meat, with an 
intention of throwing it at hin-v; but the boy 
held it fail and prevented him, *' Well faid, 
Cleodemus, cried Hermon, let them tell you 
why they find fault with pleafure, when they 
are fo, fond of it themfelves." " No^, re- 
plied Zenothemis, do you tell us, why you hold 
riches not to be indifferent :" '* Do you do it, 
faid the other." Thus they were going on, 
when Ion ftcpped forth, and faid, " Permit 
me to propofe fomething more worthy of this 
folemnity, and proper for the occafion-, let 
every one of us, without farther contention, 
entertain the cornpany by haranguing on fome 
fubjedt, in the manner of Plato." This motion 
was applauded by every body, particularly by 
Areltaenetus and Eucrirus, who hoped, by this 
means, to get rid of the noife and tumult which 
were fo difagreeable : Areflsenetus, thereforca 
retired to his own place, imagining that every 
thing would now be quiet, 

Z 4 And 

244 L A P I T H iE, OR 

And now caPxie on what we call the finifhing 
courfe, when ever)^- onfe has a hen, a piece of 
boar, a hare, a fried fifli, a corn-cake, and 
fome fweet-meats, and thefe were to be carried 
home : every dilli, however^ was between two, 
and every body was to take what was put before 
him ; there was a mefs for Ariftsenetus and 
Eucritus ; Zenothemis and Hermon had like- 
wife one; there was one for Cleodemus and 
Ion who fat next to him, and another for the 
bridegroom and myfelf; Zeno being gone off, 
Diphilus had a whole one. Be fure you obferve 
thefe things, my friend, for they are neceffary 
to what I Ihall tell you by and by. 
P H I L O. 

I will take care to remember them. 

L Y C I N U S, 
Ton then proceeded, and began thus ; *' Since, 
faid he, you infill on my fpeaking firll:, be it 
fo : before this learned company, it may, per- 
haps,,, be expedled, that I fhould fay fomething 
concerning ideas, incorporeal fubftanccs, or the 
immortality of the foul; to prevent, notwith- 
flanding, any difputes that- may arife from fuch 
as differ with me in opinion on thefe fubjeds, 
1 fliail fpeak concerning nuptials, as a theme 
more ftiitable to the prefent occafion. Better, 
undoubtedly, it were for mankind, according 



to Socrates and Plato, that we iliould never 
have any nuptials at all, but confine ourfelves, 
like Plato and Socrates, to our own fex, as 
thofe only who do this, can arrive at perfedt 
virtue : but if we muft have women and matri- 
mony, let the wives of philofophers, as the 
great Plato has decreed, be in common, to 
avoid jealoufy." 

Upon this, a loud laugh enfued, as what had 
been faid fcemed rather unfeafonable in fuch 
company, and on fuch an occafion. " Will 
you never, cried Dionyfidorus, leave off talk- 
ing fuch nonfenfe to us ? What jealoufy do you 
mean, or of whom ?'* *' And do you, wretch, 
replied the Platonic, pretend to talk ?" Dio- 
nyfidorus was now running into abufe, when 
Hiftiseus the grammarian, like a good man, 
put a flop to it, by crying out, " No more of 
this ; I am going to repeat my Epithalamium." 
And accordingly he began ; if I remember 
right, it ran thus : 

* Here was brought up, Cleanthis the divine, 
Nor Venus, nor the Moon, is half fo fine; 
Hail, thou too beauteous bridegroom, far more fair 
Than Neleus, or Achilles, ever were : 
For you, the bridal hymn we will prepare, 
And drive to celebrate the happy pair. 

* Here iiw, kfff.] The original confifts of fome bad 
vcries, fuppofed to have been made by a vile poet. I have, 
therefore, tranllated them accordingly. 


546 L A P I T H M, or 

The repetition of thefe verfes was followed', 
as we may well fuppofe, by a l6ud laugh ; and 
the time now approached for taking away the 
vidiuals : this was very peaceably done by 
Eucritus and Ariftzenetus, Chorea, Ion, Cleo- 
demus, and myfelf ; but Diphilus was for car- 
rying off Zeno's fhare, which had been placed 
before him, as well as his own, and fought with 
the fervants about it ; he got hold of it on one 
fide, whilft the man pulled on the other, and 
the hen was dragged about from fide to fide, 
Itke the body of Patroclus ; at length he was 
overpowered, and forced to give it up ; at 
which he was not a little incenfed : all this was 
matter of mirth and laughter to the company.. 
Hermon and Zenothemis, as I before ob* 
ferved to you, fat next to each other ^ at firft 
they took very quietly their feveral portions ; but 
a fat bird being by chance fet clofe to Hermon,, 
(mark, I befeech you, this circumftance, for 
now our affairs draw to a crifis,) Zenothemis 
quits his own, and endeavours to feize that 
which belonged to Hermon, and which he as 
llrenuoufly held from him ; a great clamour 
immediately arofe ; they fell upon each other, 
toffed the birds into one another's faces, and 
each feized his antagonift by the beard, and 
called out for help. Cleodemus flew to the afn 



fiflance of Hermon, Alcldamas and Diphilus 
took the part of Zenothemis. The philofo- 
phers, in fhort, all ranged themfelves on one 
fide or the other, except Ion, who flood neuter. 
The reft proceeded to blows ; when Zenothe- 
mis, taking up a large cup that flood before 
Ariflanetus, threw it at Hermon. 

* The pointed launce with erring fury flew, 
but unluckily hit the bride-groom, and gave 
him a deep wound on the forehead. The wo- 
men cried out when they faw the blood run, 
and efpecially his mother; and after her, an- 
xious for her fpoufe, the poor bride. Alci- 
damas, in the mean time, who had taken the 
part of Zenothemis, performed moft noble feats, 
having already cleaved the fkuU of Cleode- 
mus, and broke Hermon's jaws with his club, 
befides wounding feveral of the fervants who 
oppofed him. The other party, however, 
would not give out ; for Cleodemus enraged, 
tore out with his fingers one of the eyes of Ze- 
nothemis, and bit off part of his nofe ; and, as 
Hermon was coming to his afliftance, Diphi- 
lus threw him down headlong from the feat. 
The grammarian, in endeavouring to part 

* T/jc pointed^ Cfft.] See Pope's Homer's Iliad, b. iv. 

»• 563. 


348 L A P I T H uE, OR 

them, loft feveral of his teeth by a kick from 
<pleodemus, who miftook him for Diphilus; 
down he laid hirafelf, and, to ufe the words of 
his favourite Homer, 

•f EjciSing blood. 

At length there was nothing but crying and 
roarinf on every fide : the women got round 
about Chorea,, and wept over him : the reft of 
the company endeavoured to put an end to the 
quarrel. Alcidamas did more mifchief than any 
of them, routing all that oppofed him, and 
beating every body he could light on ; many, 
I believe, would have been killed by him, if 
he had not luckily broke his club. For my 
own part, I flood up againft the v»^all and avoid- 
ed the fray, difcovering, by the example of the 
poor grammarian, how dangerous it was to in- 
terfere in things of this nature. It was, in 
Ihort, the feaft of the Lapithse and the Cen- 
taurs ; the tables were overturned, the cups 
were tolTed about, and blood fpik on every fide. 
At length, to crown all, Alcidamas threw 
down the candleftick, and left us all in total 
darknefs ; the affair then grew ftill more feri- 
ous, for we could not eafily procure more light, 
which, when it was at laft brought in, difco- 
vered fome very bad tranfadions that had been 

I EjeHinghlood.l Gx, ai[j.'' i^im.—^tQiyiii^i 0. 1. ii. 


THE BAN Q^U E T. 549 

carried on ; Alcidamas had been rude with a 
poor fidling girl, and Dionyfidorus was caught 
in the fadt of making away with a large cup, 
that fell out of his bofom ; he faid, by way of 
excufe, that Ion had given it him to take care 
of; but Ion informed us, that the cqre was all 
his own. 

Thus finilhed the feaft, which, after many 
melancholy events, ended at laft in mirth, fo 
far as it concerned Ion, Alcidamas, and Dio- 
nyfidorus; the reft were carried off wounded. 
Zenothemis, in particular, fuffered moft fe- 
verely, quitting the field with one hand on his 
eye, and the other on his nofe, crying out, that 
he was a dead man ; whilft Hermon, who had 
loft two of his teeth in the fray, could not help 
crying out, as he met him, " Remember, Ze- 
nothemis, that * pain is no evil." The bride- 
groom Dionicus, having drefled his wounds^ 
was carried home, with his head bound up, in 
the chariot that was intended for the bride, 
lamenting the unhappy celebration of his nup- 
tials. Diocles took care of the reft as well as 
he could ; many of them were carried off in 
their fleep, and cafcading all the way. As for 

* Pain^ fife] A favourite abfurd opinion of the Stoics^ 
which has bten the fubjed of ridicule from the time of Lu- 
clan to this day. 


'4S^ L A P I T H ^, &c. 

Alcidamas, he ftaid there, nor could the fer> 
vants get him out, when he had once thrown 
himfelf on the couch, and got to fleep. 

Thus concluded our banquet, my dear PhilOj 
of which the Tragic Mufe may ■f thus fing. 

How flrange and various are the fates of men I 
Oft times the Gods, unhoped for bleffings fend, 
And oft times that which mofl: we look'd for, mocks 
Our vain expedance — - ■ 

For things moft flrange and unexpefted did 
there happen ; for my own part, I learned 
from it, that it is very dangerous for any man 
who is not fond of quarrels, to eat and drink 
with philofophers, 

f Thusjing.'] The verfes here fubjoined, are taken from 
the end of the Alceftes of Euripides, 

O M 

O N T H E 


5fi&/i little Tra5l contains a well-zvritten and very 
entertaining Account of fever al fuperjlitious Rites 
and Ceremonies pra^ifed in Syria, yly L u c i a kt 
was himfjf an Assy rikh, zvhat he fays may he 
depended on» Many Particulars which he here 
relates are extremely curious^ and may at the fame 
Time be ufeful in elucidating fever al Points of 
Ancient Hiftory. 1'he Tradition concerning the 
Deluge, and its Correfpondence with the Mo- 
saic Account^ as related in the Narrative, is 
very remarkable. Lucian'^ Ohfervation on the 
Cujtoms and Manners of the People, are fenfible 
and judicious, 

1'^HERE is a city in Syria, not far from 
- the river Euphrates, called Hierapolis, 
or the facred city, dedicated to Juno the Afly- 
rian : when firft founded it had probably fome 
other name, and was only fo called in latter 
ages, and after the great facrifices which were 
there performed. Concerning this city and the 
contents of it I propolc to fpeak largely, and of 
their cuftoms, feafts, and facrifices. I Ihali 
likewife mention what is reported concerning 



Its founder^, and after what manner the temple 
is built. A I am myfelf an Affyrian, I Ihall re- 
late partly what I was an eye-witnefs of, and 
partly what happened in former time^, which 
I had from the priefts who refide there. 

The i^gyptians, according to tradition, 
were the firft men who had any religious wor- 
(hip, built temples, raifed altars, or inftituted 
rites and ceremonies ; they had the firft know- 
leo-e of facred thiirgs, and were the firft pre- 
fervers of facred hiftory. The AfTyrians, fome 
time after, imbibed their do6;rines, and built 
temples, in which they placed alfo ftatues, and 
idols, of which the i^gyptians had none in for- 
mer ages : there are at prefent temples in Syria, 
almoft as ancient as the Egyptian, many of 
which I have feen ; amongft which is that of 
* Hercules the Tyrian, much older than the 
Grecian Hercules. There is likevvife another 
temple in Phoenicia, amongft the Sidonians, 
which they fay was dedicated to Aftarte, whom 

■* Hercules,'] Hercules, as the learned Bryant obferves, 
(fee his Analyfis of Ancient Mythology, vol. ii, p. 75.) was 
a title given to the chiet deity of the Gentiles, who has 
been multiplied into almoft as many perfonages as there 
were countries where he was worfliippcd. Tully, in his 
Natura; Deorum, mentions, I think, fix of this name; 
Quartus, fays he, Jovis eft & Aftiise, Latonce fororis, quem 
Tyrii colunt. Which is the Hercules here alluded to. 

I ima- 


I Imagine to be the fame as the Moon : one of 

the priefts told me it was facred to Europa, 
the filler of Cadmus, and daughter of Agenor, 
whom the Phoenicians, on her departure from 
them, honoured with a temple, and of whom fa-- 
cred tradition fays, that being remarkably beau- 
tiful, Jupiter fell in love with, and changing 
himfelf into a bull, ran away with her into 
Crete. This ftory I heard from feveral Phoeni- 
cians ; and there is a coin now extant amongft 
the Sidonians, reprefenting Europa fitting on 
Jove in the Ihape of a bull : but with regard to 
the temple being facred to Europa, there are 
various opinions amongft them. They have 
likewife another temple, not Aflyrian, but JE" 
gyptian, from Heliopolls, which I did not fee ; 
but according to report, it is large, and very 
ancient. At Byblis I faw the grand temple of 
Venus, where they celebrate the rites of Adonis, 
to which I was admitted; here, they tell you, he 
was killed by a wild boar, and in memory of it 
they perform certain ceremonies, with weeping 
and mourning through the whole region round 
about; after this come the funeral rites of Ado- 
nis, as juft dead, and on the next day he is re- 
prefented as refiored to life, and carried up to 
heaven. They fliav? their heads at this time. 
Vol. IV. A a after 


after the manner of the ^Egyptians for their god 

Apiso The * women, who do not chufe to be 

fliaved, are obliged, in lieu of ir, to expofe their 

perfons, and fubmit to the embraces of ftran- 

gers in the public market-place for hire, during 

the fpace of one whole day ; the money arifing 

from it is confecrated to the fervice of the god- 

defsj and expended in a facrifice to her. Some 

of the Byblians fay that the Egyptian Ofiris 

was buried there, and that the weeping and 

lamentation is in memory of him, and not of 

Adonis; this they confirm by telling us, that 

every year there comes to them by fea, in fc- 

ven days, a head, which is regularly tranfport- 

cd from iKgypt to Byblis, by fomc fupernatu- 

ral means. A head of that kind 1 faw my- 

fclf, which fccmed niade of the papyrus. 

There is likcwife in this place another mi- 
racle ; a river called Adonis rifes out of mount 
Libanus and empties itfeif into the fea ; this 
every year, as it flows in, ftains great part of 
the water with a red colour, like blood, which 
the Byblians confidcr as an emblem of their 

* The ivomcu.'l The bdies cliufing rather to facrifice their 
virtue than their fine hair, and preferring proftitution to a 
bald pate, has fomething fo ridiculous in it, that we can-« 
not help wondering how the facetious Lucian couid pafs 
over the circumfiance without making fome obfervations on 



misfortune, believing that at this feafon Ado- 
nis was wounded, and that his blood tinged the 
fca, and gave the name to it. Such is the opi- 
nion of the vulgar : but a man of Byblis gave 
me a different account of it, and afligned ano- 
ther caufe : the river Adonis, faid he, flows 
through Libanus, which contains mucK red 
earth, which the winds drive into the river, and 
make it as red as blood ; it is not the blood 
therefore that caufes this appearance, but the 
nature of the foil. This the Bybiian told me, 
which may probably be true ; though the wind's 
conftantly blowing the fame way feems to have 
fomething in it fupernatural. 

From Byblus I afcended in one day to Liba- 
nus, vvhere I heard there Was an ancient temple 
of Venus, built by Cinyras ; this I-faw, and it 
feemed to be of great antiquity. Thefe are all 
the old temples of any fize in Syria ; and amongfi: 
them is none fo large as that of Hierapolis, or 
fo magnificent ; none where there is fuch a pro- 
fufion of ornaments, fo many offerings con- 
ftantiy made, or where the divinity is (o imme- 
diately prefent ; the ftatues are frequently ob- 
ferved to fwear, to move about, and to deliver 
oracles; and loud voices are often heard bv 
many when the temple is ihut up. With re- 
A a 2 gard 


gard to riches, of which I was an eye-witnefsj 
it is undoubtedly the firfl in the world ; great 
treafures are brought into it from Arabia, from 
the Phoenicians, Babylonians, and Cappado- 
cians, from the Cilicians alfo, and the Affy- 
rians. I faw a great quantity of rich clothes 
hid in private parts of the temple, with other 
things, equal in value to the gold and filver 
in it : and for public rites and feflivals, no place 
■upon earth has, perhaps, fo great an abund- 
ance of them. When I enquired into the anti- 
quity of the place, and the worlhip of the deity, 
they told me feveral flories, fome of a pub- 
lic, others of a private nature, together with 
many fabulous reports, both Grecian and Bar- 
barian, which I fhali here relate, though I do 
not vouch for the truth of them. 

The common people fay that the temple was 
founded by * Deucalion, the Scythian, in whofe 
time the great 7 inundation happened. The 


* Deucal.'Ofu] We arc are aflliied by Philo, (fee his trea- 
tife De Praeraio & Pasna,) that Deucalion was Noah. The 
Grecians, fays he, call him Deucalion, but the Chaldeans 
Noe, in whofe time there happened the great eruption of 

■j- Inundation,'] This is the moft extraordinary account of 
the univcrfal deluge to be met with in any heathen writer, 
a» it moft remarkably cbjrefpnnds with, and confirms, the 



flory which the Greeks tell concerning this Deu- 
calion is as follows : " the prefent race of men 
is not the fame as that which formerly inhabited 
the earth, who all periftiedj the generation now 
before us all fprung from Deucalion, who re- 
newed mankind. Thofe who lived before the 
deluge, were, as hiftory informs us, proud and 
haughty, and committed all ^ kinds of wicked- 
nefs; they neither adhered to their oaths, nor 
were hofpitable to ftrangers, nor fpared the fup- 
pliant; and for thefe things a heavy judgment 
came upon them. The earth on a fudden 
poured forth great waters, the rains defcended, 
the rivers fwelled, the fea rofe to a prodigious 
height; every thing was covered with water, 

Mofaic hiflory. The place of Luclan's nativity was (as the 
learned Bryant remarks) a part of the world where memo- 
rials of the deluge were particularly preferved, and where a 
reference to that hiftory is continually to be obferved in the 
rites and worfliip of the country : his knowlege, therefore, 
was obtained from the Afiatic iwtions, among whom he was 
born, and not from his kinfmen the Kclladians, who were 
far inferior in the knowlege of ancient times. Bryant has 
collefteda variety of ancient records of this event, to which 
I refer the curious reader. See Bryant's Analyiis, vol. ii, 
p. 214, &c. 

X JH kinds, i^c.'\ Agreeable to what the fcvipture fays : 
♦* 1 he earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was 
{illcd with violence : and God looked upon the earth, and 
behold it was corrupt ; for all flelli had corrupted his way 
upon the earth." Genefis, chap. vi. vcr, Uj Sec* 

A a 3 and 


and all mankind perilhed. Deucalion alone 
was referved to raife up another race, on ac- 
count of his piety and goodnels. He was faved 
in this manner : he Ihut up his wives and chil- 
dren in a large ark, and went himfelf into it; 
and, as foon as he was entered, there came un- 
to him boars, horfes, lions, ferpents, and every 
other creature that feedeth upon the earth, all 
in pairs, and he received them all ; nor did 
they hurt each other, but harmony and friend- 
fhip, by the -'p divine com.mand, prevailed 
amongft them : and thus they all fliiled toge- 
ther, in the fame ark, as long as the waters 

Such is the (lory which the Greeks tell con- 
cerning Deucalion. Another fadt of a moft 
extraordinary nature is related by the people 
of Hierapolis, who tell us, that they have there 
a large chafm, or opening, which Teceived all 
the waters of the deluge ; that Deucalion, 

•f Dii'ine commanil.'\ The ark, or cheft, as Bryant ob- 
fcrves, in which Noah and his family were fecured, was 
of" fuch a model and conftruftion, as plainly indicated, that 
it was never defigned to be managed or directed by the hands 
of men : and it feems to have been the purpole ot Provi- 
dence throughout, to fignify to thofe who were faved, as 
well as to- their lateft pofterity, that their prefervation was 
not, in any degree, effected by human means. See the 
Analyfis, vol. ii. p, 197. 



at the time when this happened, built altars and 
a temple to Juno, clofe to this chafm. The 
hole I faw is under the temple, and, at prefent, 
but fmali : whether it might formerly have 
been larger, I cannot fay ; that which I was 
ihewn is now very inconfiderable. In confirma- 
tion of this, the inhabitants, twice every year, 
bring water from the fca into the temple : this 
tafk is performed, not by the priefts only, but 
by all the people in Syria and Arabia, and be- 
yond the Euphrates, who bring the water from 
the fea, and pour it into the temple, from 
whence it falls into the hole, which takes in an 
amazing quantity of it : this, they fay, was a 
law of- Deucalion*s, inlHtuted by him to com- 
memorate both the general calamity, and their 
happy deliverance from it. 

This is the ancient hiftory of the temple ; 
though others ashrm, it was built by Semira- 
mis ofBabylonj who left behind her many mo- 
numents of grandeur and magnificence, who is 
fuppofed to have creeled it, not in honour of 
Juno, but of her own mother Dercete, a fi atue of 
Vv^hom I faw myfclf in Phcenicia ; it is a woman 
down to the waiil:, and terminates from thence 
in the tail of a fifn : but the figure of her, at 
Hierapolis, is a perfect vvon:»an. 'I'heir accounts 
of this matter are rather obfcure : certain, 
A a 4 how- 


however, it is, that the people here look up- 
on fifli as a thing facred, afid never touch it, 
any more than pigeons, which, for the fame 
reafon, they mufl not eat : thefe, they fay, are 
forbidden, on account of Semiramis and Der- 
cete, becaufe one bears the form of a fifli, the 
other of a dove. The temple may, very pro- 
bably, be the work of Semiramis ; but 1 can- 
not think it was dedicated to Dercete, nor that 
the ^Egyptians, who abftain from fifh, do it on 
her account, but have * a different reafon for it. 
There is, likewife, another facred tradition^ 
which I had from a man of underftanding, 
who informed me, that the goddefs was Rhea, 
and the temple built by Attis, a Lydian by 
birth, and the firft who inflituted religious ce- 
remonies in honour of Rhea : from him the 
Phrygians, Lydians, and Samothracians, had 
all their knowlege. From the time when he 
vj2is caftrated by Rhea, he put on female ap- 
parel, and appeared as a woman, travelled over 
the world, recounted his fufferings, and fung 
cf Rhea : at length he came into Syria, and 
the people beyond Euphrates refufing to ad- 
mit him, or his rites, he built a temple there 
to this goddefs : this is confirmed b) many 

* Difercnf.'\ What this different reafon is, Plutarch in- 
forms us. See his Treatife oa Ifis and Ofiris. 



circumftances. The ftatue of her is drawn by 
lions, with a drum, and a tower on her head, 
as the Lydians always reprefent Rhea. The 
priells, he moreover obferved, do not caftrate 
themfelves in honour of Juno, but of Rhea, 
and in imitation of Attis. Thefe reafonings 
appeared plaufible to me, but by no means fa- 
tisfaftory, as I have heard a much more pro- 
bable caufe affigned for the caftration. 

The account given by the Greeks is, to me, 
the moil fatisfacftory ; that Juno is the goddefs, 
and the temple the work of Bacchus, the fon of 
Semele, who came from ^Ethiopia into Syria ; 
there are many things in the temple which 
confirm this opinion ; fuch as the apparel of 
feveral barbarous nations, Indian jewels, and 
the horns of elephants, which Bacchus brought 
from -Ethiopia : there are, likewife, in the 
porch, two large Phalli, with this infcription : 


This, to me, is fufEcient proof ; to which it 
may be added, that the Grecians always offer 

• Phalli.'] The Phallus, or Priapus, was — but, for a very 
good reafon, I will tell it my readers in Greek — 'cpcchMi; }i 
frtv ty. oi^ixctroi ifi^fH a^rsfjia atoom ano^oi;^ koh toJ1» Ts^t£T»Sai( 



up tliefe Phalli to Bacchus, making little v/oodeo 
men, called •f- Neurofpaftie, which they carry 
about ; there is one of the fame kind in the 
temple, but made of brafs. 

Such are the traditions which I met with 
concerning the firfh foundation of this temple, 
which I ihall defcribe, giving an account of 
its fituation, the materials, the building of it, 
and by whom : fome fay the old ftructure is 
long iince gone to ruin, and that the temple, 
which we now fee, is the work of ^ Stratonice, 
wife of the king of i\ffyria» whom her fori-in- 
law fell in love with,, and was difcovered by 
the ingenuity of his phyfician. The young 
man had conceived a violent paffion for her, 
and looking upon it as a crime, concealed it 
from every body, and fickened in filence : he 
made no lamentations, but loll his colour,. and 
grew thinner and thinner every day. When 
the phyiician favv him, he plainly perceived 
that he laboured under no diflemper but love, 

-j- Ka'.rnjpajia.'\ Gr. N£y;o<77r«j-«j fie dicla, fays the fcho- 
liart, quia folum illud membrum, nervis movcri poterat. 
This is curious. 

X Stratonice.'] This ftory is here very well told by Lu- 
cian : it is an intereiling one. There are two I'ngH/h tra- 
gedies on this fubjC'ft : on^ acled at Lincoln's-inn-fields, in 
1-21 ; the other printed, but never acled, in 1733. '^^^'^ 
names of the authors unknown. 



as he gueffed by his languid eye, pale com- 
plexion, trembling voice, melancholy, and ma- 
ny other infallible fymptoms. Having difco- 
vered thus much, he laid his hand upon the 
young man's heart, and called all the houfe- 
hold together, who pafled in review before 
him, and whom he beheld with the utmoft tran- 
quility ; till, at length, his mother-in-law com- 
ing by, he changed colour, began to fweat, 
and was feized with a violent tremor and pal- 
pitation of the heart : this, at once, explained 
the caufe of all. He immediately called in his 
anxious father : *' Your fon's dilbrder (fays 
he) arifes from an injury received : he has no 
pain or diflemper, but love and folly : he fighs 
for that which he can never enjoy; for he is 
fallen in love with my wife, whom I fhall not 
part from." This the phylician faid, on pur- 
pofe to try him. *' Let me intreat you, (cried 
the father,) by your phyfical knowlege and wif- 
dom, do not fuffer my child to perifli : it is 
not a wilful crime ; his diftemper is involun- 
tary : do not let your jealoufy make a whole 
nation wretched ; nor, when it is in your power 
to cure him, fuff. r his death to bring ignominy 
and difgrace en your profefiion." " It is infa- 
mous (replied the phyfician) to make fuch a 
requeft, and to force me to it would be the 



higheft injury : how would you, who defire this 
of me, adl yourfelf, if he was in love with your 
own wife ?" " I would not (faid he) refufe 
her to him, to preferve his life : the lofs of a 
wife is by no means to be compared to that of 
a fon/' When the phyfician heard this, " Afk 
me no more, (cried he ;) what 1 told you be- 
fore was all a fidion ; it is your wife whom 
he doats on." — The father, at length, con- 
vinced of this, yielded up to his fon both his 
wife and his kingdom, and retired himfelf to 
the neighbourhood of Babylon, where he built 
a city, called it after his name, and died there. 
Thus did this fage phyfician difcover the dif- 
eafe of love, and cure it alfo. 

It is reported of this Stratonice, that, in her 
firfl hufband's time, Juno appeared to her in a 
dream, commanding her to build a temple at 
Hierapolis, threatening her with many dreadful 
misfortunes if Ihe ihould difobey the divine 
mandate : at firft fhe took no notice of the ad- 
monition ; but being not long after feized with 
a violent diftemper, Ihe told her hulband the 
dream, and appeafed the wrath of the goddefs, 
by promifing to build the temple : as foon as 
Ihe recovered, fhe was accordingly fent by him 
to Hierapolis, and with her a large fum of 
money, and a numerous army, who were to be 



employed both for the defence of the queen, 
and in the conftrudion of the edifice. The 
king had, at this time, amongft his particu- 
lar favourites, a youth of extraordinary beauty, 
whofe name was Combabus, whom he called 
in on this occafion, and thus addreffed : « Com- 
babus, (faid he,) I have always looked upon 
you ?s one of the beft of men, and ranked you 
amongft my deareft friends, both on account 
of your prudence and difcretion, and the parti- 
cular kindnefs and regard which you have Ihewn 
for me : I now fland in need of a man whom 
I can fafely confide in ; and therefore appoint 
you to accompany my wife, to perform the 
great and facred work, and to take the com- 
mand of my army. When you return, I fhall 
reward you with the honours which you deferve." 
When Combabus heard this from the king, he 
moft earneftly entreated him that he might be 
excufed from taking upon him a taik to which 
he was fo unequal : he was, indeed, not without 
fears, that fome jealoufy might afterwards arife 
with regard to Stratonice, whom he, and he 
alone, was to accompany. Not being able, 
however, to diffuade the king from his refolu- 
tion, he again petitioned that he might be al- 
lowed leven daysrefplte; after which he would 
depart, and ad as he was commanded. This 



being granted, he went home, and throwing 
himfelf on the ground, thus lamented his un- 
happy fate : " Wretch that I am, (cried he ;) 
why mufl this truft be repofed in me ? what 
mufl: be the end of fuch a journey, young as I 
am, to accompany fo beautiful a woman ! it 
mufl be fatal, unlefs I remove what would be 
the inevitable caufe of my ruin : I mufl do one 
jrreat and noble deed, which will at once free 


me from every danger." So faying, he imme- 
diately cut off the inflruments of virility, and 
inclofing them in a box, with honey, myrrh, 
and other aromatics, fealed them up with the 
ring which he wore on his finger. As foon as 
his wounds were healed, and he thought himfelf 
able to perform the journey, he came to the 
king, and, in the prefence of many perfons, 
holding the box in his hand, thus addrefTed 
him : *' This great and invaluable treafure, 
hitherto depofited in my own houfe, as I am 
now going a long and dangerous journey, I 
here deliver, fir, to your care ; preferve it, 
O king, for it is to me more precious than 
gold, and dearer than my own life : when I 
return, I fhall hope to receive it fafe from 
your hands." The king immediately took, and 
fealingit with another ring, gave it to his officers, 

with orders to take efpecial care of it. Com- 



babus then fat out on his journey with great 
fecurity : as foon as they arrived at Hierapolis 
they began the building of the temple, in which 
they were employed during the fpace of three 
years : in the mean time, that came to pafs 
which Combabus had fo much dreaded; Stra- 
tonice fell in love with him, conceiving a vio- 
lent paffion, which rofe almoft to madnefs. 
The inhabitants of Hierapolis attribute it to 
Juno, who infpired her with it, in revenge for 
her having fo long deferred the building of the 
temple. For fome time fhe modellly concealed 
her inclination, but the diforder increafed fo as 
to deprive her of all reft and peace : ihe fighed 
and wept for whole days together, till at length, 
unable any longer to hide, ihe refolved to take 
the firll: opportunity of difcovering it to him ; 
fhe could not dlfclofe it to another, and yet Ihame 
prevented her acknowleging it to Combabus. 
It then occured to her that the freedom of a 
public banquet, where wine infpires boldnefs, 
and every thing is attributed to the feftival, 
might plead her excufc. She provided one 
therefore, and after fupper came into the cham- 
ber where he laid, fell on her knees, and openly 
avowed her paflion for him : but he treated her 
with coldnefs and difdain, and even told her fuch 
indecent warmth muft have proceeded from in- 


temperance. She then grew indignant, and 
threatened to punilli him feverely for his in- 
difference ; this fo alarmed and terrified him, 
that he at once told her the whole^truth of the 
matter, and what had happened to him. When 
Ihe had heard this melancholy tale, which Ihe 
fo little expeded, her rage fubfided : but love 
ftill remained, and fhe continued to admire, and 
keep company with him. It is remarkable 
that a paffion of this kind flill fubfifts at Hiera- 
polis ; the women are fond of the priefls, and 
the priefls * mad after the women ; nobody en- 
tertains any jealoufy on the account, and it is 
looked upon am.ongft them as a kind of reli- 
gious phrenzy. 

The king, however, was foon acquainted with 
the familiarity between his wife and Combabus; 
and therefore, though the work was ftill un- 
finiihed, fent for him home. A report pre- 
vailed, but a very improbable one, that Stra- 
tonice, on being repulfed, had written to her 
hufband, accufing Combabus of an attempt to 
debauch her. The Affyrians attributing to her 
the fame condudt which, according to the Gre- 
cians, Phaedra and Sthenobsea were guilty of: 
though I cannot, for my own part, believe that 

* Mad^ ^c] One would think Lucian wa&here defcrib- 
ing a modern univerfity. 



Sthenob^a, or Phiedra, if Ihe really loved Hip- 
polytus, ever behaved in that manner : be that 
however as it maj'', when the meflenger came 
to Hierapolis, for Combabus, he departed with 
confidence and fecurity, as well knowing he had 
at home a fufficient teftimony in his favour. No 
fooner was he returned, than .the king immedi- 
ately committed him to prifon : and a little 
after brought him to a public trial, before many 
of thofe friends who were prefent before when 
he was fent abroad. He accufed him openly 
of adulteryj with great warmth ; reproaching 
him for breach of faith and friendfhip, in thus 
defiling his bed, and the mofl flagrant impiety 
towards the goddefs, in committing fuch a 
crime whilft employed fo immediately in her 
fervice. Many witnelTes appeared againfl him, 
fome affirming that they had feen him in the 
guilty embrace : he was therefore unanimoufly 
condemned to fuffer that death which he had f^ 
highly deferved. Comb:.bus had hitherto flood 
filent, V. ithout making any defence ; but as they 
were leading him to punifhment, he rtopned 
ihortjand cried out that he had been condemned, 
not for violating the marriage-bed, or wronging 
his matter, but becaufe the king wanted tp keep, 
for his ovvn ufe, thofe treafures which, when he 
Vol. IV, B b went 


went abroad, he had delivered to his care; ora 
this the king immediately ordered his officer to 
bring the ca&et which he had given him, which 
being produced, Combabus, breaking the feal, 
drew out the contents, and addreffing himfelf to 
the ' king, — " Thefe, faid he, are the things 
which, when you fent me on a journey I was 
fo unwilling to undertake, I left with you; ne- 
ceffity forced me to a deed, which however ufe- 
ful to you, to me was dreadful : thus have I 
been falfely accufed of a crime, which you fee 
it was not in my power to commit," The king, 
aftonilhed at thefe words, fell on his neck and 
w^ept, then taking him in his arms, " Com- 
babus, he cried, why wouldft thou thus punifh 
thyfelf, or how couldft thou be guilty of a deed 
almofl incredible ? Would to heaven thou hadfl 
never done, nor I been witnefs to it ! I wanted 
not fuch a teilimony : but fince Fate hath thus 
decreed, I will make thee all the amends in my 
power ; thy accufers thou fhalt be revenged on 
by their immediate death ; I will give thee, 
moreover, gold, filver, horfes, and rich attire. 
Thou Ihalt come into my prefence, without 
form or ceremony, and even into my private 
chamber when the queen is within." The king 
fpake, and it was done as he commanded : the 



accufers wtre executed : magnificent prefents 
were heaped on the falfcly accufed : the friend- 
Ihip and intimacy between them encreafed every 
day, and there was not in all Aflyria one fo 
famed for wifdom or happinefs as Combabus. 
He, fume time after this, defired leave of the 
king to complete the temple, for he had left it 
unfinifhed ; which being granted, he went over, 
made an end of it, and fpent the remainder of 
his life there. The king, in confideration of 
his extraordinary merit and virtue, caufed a 
brazen ftatue of him to be erected, done by Her- 
mocles the Rhodian, which remains in the tem- 
ple to this day. It is in form like a woman, 
but in a man's apparel, which was afterwards, 
for certain reafons, changed to a woman's. Some 
of Combabus's friends, we are told, out of ftark 
love and kindnefs, putthemfelves into the fame 
condition with him, and led the fame life; 
hence arofe the order of galli, or prieds, who 
officiate in women's dreffes. Some people v/ill 
bring the gods into this affair, and inform us, 
that Juno fell in love with Combabus, and, to 
comfort him under his misfortune, infpired 
others with the flrange refolution of doing the 
fame as he did, that he might not be the only 
man vvho ever laboured under fuch a misfortune : 
B b 2 be 


be this as it may, fuch is the fad:. I fliall men- 
tion, by and by, how the priefts are buried, and 
why they do not come into the temple ; but I 
muft firfl fpeak of the fize and fituation of this 
noble edifice. 

The temple is built on a hill, ftands in the 
middle of the city, and is furrounded by two 
walls, one of which is extremely ancient, the 
other of a very modern date ; the veftibule, 
which is about an hundred paces in extent, 
fronts the north ; here fland the Phalli, ere<fted 
by Bacchus, an * hundred and eighty feet high ; 
on one of thefe a man gets up twice every 5''ear, 
and remains at the top of it forfeven days; the 
common people imagine that at thefe times he 
converfes with the gods, who, being nearer, can 
better hear his prayers and interceflions, in be- 
half of the Affyrians; according to others, it is 
in memory of Deucalion, and the time of the 
deluge, when men climbed up into mountains 
and high trees, to efcape the flood. For my 
own part, I think this account improbable, and 
that it is rather in honour of Bacchus ; for, 
whenever the Phalli are erefted to him, the peo«. 
pie always place wooden men upon them, tho* 

* Hmrilred^ \3c.'\ Credat Jiidaeus. There muft certainly 

here have been fome corruption in the original text; the 

commentatqrs have tried, but in vain, to correct it. 



for what reafon I cannot fay ; it is, however, 
I believe, in imitation of thefe that the man is 
fent up; and in this manner; a chain is tied 
round him and the Phallus, and, as he gets 
up, he throws the chain behind him; as you 
may have feen men in Arabia, ^gypt, and 
other places, climb up the palm-trees ; when he 
is at the top, he throws down another long rope 
which he carries with him, and draws up wood, 
cloaths, veffels, and any thing he wants to lit 
upon, and there he remains during the ap- 
pointed time. The people bring brafs, gold, 
and filver, and laying them down in his light, 
every man tells his name and departs ; whilll 
he puts up his prayers for every one of them, 
and whilft he is thus performing his office, a 
great Ihrill noife is made by a brazen inftru- 
ment, prepared for the purpofe. The man ne- 
ver lleeps ; if he attempts ir, a fcorpion rifes 
up and flings him : thus at leafl the priefts in- 
form us ; but whether it be fo or not I cannot 
determine; the fear of falling, I Ihould think, 
would be fufficient to keep him awake, Thus 
much for the climbers up on the Phalli. The 
temple looks towards the eaft, and refembles 
thofe which rhey ufually build in Ionia ; it rifes 
above the ground about twelve feet, with nar- 
row Hone ileps up to it : the portico is a moil 
noble fight, and adorned with golden gates, the 
" B b 3 innde 


infide is likewife very rich, and the deling f retled 
with gold. Here you are refrefhed with a molt 
delightful odour, like the fweets of Arabia, 
which you fmeJl at a great didance; itperfume 
your cloaths, and does not evaporate when you 
leave the place, but remains about you as long 
as 3^ou live. Farther on, is the inner temple, 
or choir, to which there is a fmall afcent ; it has 
no gates, but is open in the front. Every body 
may go into the outer temple, but to the inner 
none are admitted but the priefts ; and even 
jimonglt them, only thofe who are fuppofed from 
their piety and virtue molt to refemble the dei- 
ties, and to whom the care of all religious mat- 
ters are entrufted. Here is the Itatue of Juno, 
and of Jupiter alfo, though in this place he is 
called by another name : they are both of gold, 
and reprefented as fitting, one drawn by lions, 
the other by oxen. The llatue of Jupiter is 
in all refpedis like thofe which we generally 
meet with of him ; but that of Juno refembles 
in feme particulars thofe of Minerva, Venus, 
the Moon, Rhea, Diana, Nemelis, and the 
Parc;^; in one hand fhe holds a fceptre, in the 
other a diHaff ; flie has rays on her head, and a 
turret ; fhe has likewife a ceftus, like the ce- 
leltial Venus ; Ihe is richly adorned with gold, 
jewels, and precious flones, fomc white, others 



of a watery colour, others fhining, and bright 
like fire ; Ihe has alfo onyxes, hyacinths, and 
fmaragdus brought from ^gypt, India, >^thio- 
pia. Media, Armenia, and Babylon. The moft 
extraordinary among them is a jewel on her 
head, which they call the lamp, from Its iuflre; 
by night it fhines with fuch 2 fplendaur as to 
light the whole temple ; though in the day time 
it i&lefs bright, and has the appearance of a pale 
fire. There is likewife another thing in this 
ftatue moft wonderful, which is, that, which 
ever way you ftand, it always looks towards you. 

Between thefe, there ftands another itatue of 
gold, to which they have given no name, but 
call it fimply the ftatue; not informing us 
whence it came, or whom it reprefents : fome 
fay, it is Bacchus, fome Deucalion, and others 
Semiramis, on account of the golden pigeon on 
its head ; this is fent every year, as I before ob* 
ferved, to bring up the water from the fea. 

As you enter the inner temple, on the left 
hand, is a throne for the fun, but no ftatue of 
him: they have, indeed, no images or repre- 
fentations, either of the fun or moon, and the 
reafon which they give is, that the forms of other 
deities are nut generally known, whereas the fua 
and moon are feen by all ; where is the necef- 
B b 4. fity 


fity therefore of reprefenting what is fo univer- 
fally confpicuous, and appear conftantly in the 
heavens ? 

Near this throne is a ftatue of Apollo, but 
with a beard, and not as he is generally reprc- 
fented, a youth juft rifing into manhood ; they 
find fault with the Grecians for making him a 
boy, it is a mark of folly, they fay, to attribute 
any imperfeftion, and as fuch they confider 
youth, to the gods ; their Apollo is likewife 
diftinguifhed from others, by being cloathed ; 
concerning his works here I have much to relate, 
but Ihall confine myfelf to thof^ fadts that are 
moft extraordinary ; to begin therefore with the 
oracles, of which there are many in -^,gypt, 
Greece, Alia, and Libya •, but in other places 
the anfvvers are given by priefts and prophets, 
whilft, in this, the god himfelf alone delivers 
them. When he is inclined to fend forth any 
oracles, the feat is obferved to move : he is then 
lifted up by the priefts ; if they do not perform 
this office, the flatue fweats, and moves itfelf 
into the middle of the temple ;; b.ut, when they 
lift up the deity, he drives them all before him 
in a ring : then the high'priefts afk. him quef- 
tions of every kind : if he does not think pro- 
^^Qv to anfvver them, he goes back, if he dces^ 


he drives the priefts before him, as a coach- 
man does his horfes, with a rein. Thus it is 
that they receive the oracle, and nothing either 
of a public or private nature is tranfadted, with-^ 
out firft confulting him ; he foretells what will 
happen in the year, and how the feafons will 
turn out, and likewife fettles the time when the 
ilatue, which I mentioned above, is to take its 

I muft not pafs over a miraculous thing, which 
happened whilft I was *prefent: the priefts tool?; 
the ftatue up on their fhoulders, which imme- 
diately left them on the floor, and foared aloft 
into the air by itfelf. 

Behind Apollo is the ftatue of Atlas, and, be- 
hind that, one of Mercury, and another of 

Thus is the infide of the temple furniftied ; 
without, there is a large altar of brafs, and, near 
it, above fix hundred ftatues of kings and priefts; 
on the left, is that of Semiramis, pointing with 
her right hand towards the temple ; the reafon 
which they affign for this attitude is, that this 
queen formerly commanded the Afl^yrians not 

* Pre/cnt.] It is rather unaccountable that Lucian, who 
^'as undoubtedly an enemy to fuperftition ot every kind, 
lliould tell us, he faw this incredible miracle, and make no 
pbfcrvations on the abfurdity of it, 



to pay divine honours to Juno, or any other 
deities but herfelf alone ; but being afterwards 
vifited by ficknefs and other calamities, fhe re- 
covered her fenfes, acknowleged that llie was a 
mere mortal, and enjoined her fubjedls to wor- 
fhip Juno, as they had done before; on this ac- 
count Ihe is reprefented as pointing to Juno, and 
iignifying that atonement ihould be made to her. 

I faw, likewife, there, the flatues of Helen, 
Hecuba, Andromache, Paris, Hedtor, and A- 
chilles ; of Nireus, of Progne, and Philomela, 
before their metamorphofis; and of Tereus, 
when changed into a bird : alfo, another of Se- 
miramis, together with that which I mentioned 
of Combabus ; a beautiful one of Stratonice, 
and another of Alexander, extremely like; next 
to him is Sardanapalus, but in a different habit 
and attitude. 

In a court of the temple are kept a great 
number of large oxen, horfes, eagles, bears, 
and lions, which feed together, and are never 
known to fall upon or hurt any one ; being fet 
apart for -i" facred ufes, they are always tame. 
A great quantity of priefts wait there; fome of 
whom Hay the vidims, others pour out the liba- 
tions ; Ibme are called fire-bearers, others at- 

f Sacred n/cs.] Another kind of poplfii legend, which 
Lucian has forgot to ridicule as it deferved. 



tendants on the alrar. When I was there, above 
three hundred of them affifted at the facrifice. 
Their garments are white, and they have all 
hats on their heads, except the high-prieft, who 
is cloathed in purple, and wears a tiara : a new 
one is chofen every year. There is, likewife, 
an immenfe quantity of fubordinate officers in 
the temple, together with pipers, fidlers, the 
galli, or eunuch priefts, and women that appear 
frantic and infpired. There is a facrifice twice 
every day, at which they all attend : at that of 
Jupiter, there is no mufic, vocal orinftrumental ; 
but at Juno's they ling, and play on flutes and 
cymbals, during the whole ceremony. With 
regard to this difference, they could aflign no 
reafon to be depended on. 

There is a lake, not far from the temple, in 
which are kept a great number of facred fifh, of 
various kinds ; feme of them grow to a prodi- 
gious lize : thefe have names given them, and 
' will come when they are called. I faw one 
with a gold fret-work of flowers hung round his 
fins. This lake is extremely deep : I did not 
fathom it, but, they fay, it is four or five thou- 
f^md feet. In the midft of it is an altar of flone, 
which you would think, at firll fight, was float- 
ing on the water, but^ I believe, is fupported 



by great pillars underneath : it is always adorned 
with garlands, and perfumed. Numbers of 
people, with crowns on their heads, fwim to, 
and put up their prayers at it, every day. There 
are, befides, very frequently large aflemblies 
here, which they call the defcent to the lake, 
when Juno iirfl appears to the fifli, to prevent 
Jupiter from feeing them, which if he did, they 
fay, all would perilh immediately : Jupiter, 
however, comes, as intending to look upon them, 
but is driven back by her with many prayers 
and fupplications. 

But the greateft ceremony is that which they 
obferve by the fea-lide, concerning which I can 
affirm nothing of my own knowlege, never hav- 
ing been prefent at it. What they do in their 
yetur-n frcm ir, I was myfelf an eyewitnefs of, 
and ihail relate : every one br'mgs a veffel full 
of water, which is fealed up with wax ; they arc 
not fufFered themfelves to take off the feal ; but 
one of the galli, who lives near the lake,, takes 
it off, and opens the veflel, for which he has 
a certain fllpend : thefe priefls get a great deal 
of money by it. From thence they bring the 
water into the temple, and pour it out ; the fa- 
crifice is performed, and they return. 

But" their greateft feftival is celebrated early 
in the fpring : it is called the Torch, or the 



Funeral Pile. They cut down a number of 
large trees, which they plant in an outer court 
of the temple ; then get together a quantity of 
goats, Iheep, and other cattle, which they hang 
alive upon the branches ; to thefe they add 
birds alfo, with garments, and works of gold 
and iilver of various kinds : when every thing 
is thus prepared, a fire is kindled under the 
trees, and the w^hole burned to afhes. This is 
done in the prefence of their gods, whom they 
bring along with them, to be vvitnefTes of the 
ceremony, attended by all Syria, and the regions 
round about, who take the (latues of their dei- 
ties, and tranfport them thither. On certain 
ftated days, the multitude croud to the temple. 
The gain, and other priefts, after performing 
the ceremonies, cut and flalh their arms,and flog 
each other on the back : there are others alfo, 
who play on flutes and drums, and fing divine 
hymns. All this is done on the outfide of the 
temple ; nor are any of the perfons concerned 
fufFered to go into it. 

At this time it is that the caflration is per- 
formed by thofe who are made galli ; when they 
ftrip themfelves naked, and taking a fliarp in- 
ftrument in their hands, prepared for the occa- 
ilon : after running fome time about the city, 



they cut off with it the peccant parts, and into 
whatever houfe they chance to throw them, the 
perfons inhabiting it are obliged to furnilh them 
with a complete fuit of woman's apparel. The 
galli are not buried in the fame manner as other 
people, but are carried by their brethren into 
the fuburbs of the city, on a bier which is de- 
pofited there, and then entirely covered with 
Itones : this done, their friends return home, 
and, after feven days, are permitted to enter the 
temple •, if they attempt to go in fooner, they 
are conlidered as impious. Whoever has feen 
a dead body, muft not vifit the temple till the 
next day ; and after purification, the relations 
of the deceafed are not fuffered to enter for thirty 
days, and then muft have their heads fhaved. 

They facrifice here bulls, cows, goats, and 
fheep, but never any hogs, which are held in 
abomination, and never eaten : fome look upon 
them as facred. Amongft birds, the pigeon 
alone is confidered as holy ; nor is it lawful to 
touch them ; thofe who do it, even by chance, 
are looked upon as contaminated for that day : 
pigeons, therefore, dwell with the inhabitants, 
come into their chambers, or feed on the ground, 
at pleafure. 

When a ftranger comes to Hierapolis, he 
i&lways ihaves his head and eye-brows : he then 



facrifices a fhcep, cuts It In pieces, and feafts on 
certain parts of it; he ftretches the (kin on the 
ground, kneels down upon It, puts the. feet and 
head of the animal over his own head, prays to 
the gods to receive the vidlim he is offering, 
and promifes to bring a better at fome future 
time: this done, he crowns with garlands his 
own head, and the heads of thofe who accom- 
pany him ; then taking the ikln off, proceeds 
on his journey, after * bathing and drinking 
frefh water, lying conftantly on the ground, 
as it Is not lawful for hini to go into a bed till 
his journey is finifhed, and he is returned to his 
own home. 

At HIerapolis, there is a public officer ap- 
pointed to receive ftrangers, who flock there 
from all parts : thefe are of every country, and 
are called by the AfTyrians Teachers, as their 
bufinefs is to teach and inftrudt their country- 
men the myfteries celebrated here. The vic- 
tims are never facrificed in the temple, but, after 
being offered at the altar, are taken home alive, 
and flain there ; to this fucceed the prayers of 
the facrificer. 

* Bathhig, fe-V.] The ftrangers here mentioned by Lu- 
cian were probably Jews, as the rites and cuftoms feem to 
correfpond with thofe delcribed by Jofephus, as pradifed 
by the feft of Eflenians. 


384 Oj? the SYRIAN GODDESS. 

There is likewife another method of facrlfic- 
ing; when the vidtim being crowned with gar- 
lands, is thrown down headlong from the porch 
ofjthe temple, and dies by falling on the rocks 
below : fome have thrown down their children 
from this place, wrapping them up in a bag, 
and denouncing curfes againft them, faying, at 
the fame time, that they were not children, but 

All here * mark themfelves with red hot irorij 
fome on the palms of their hands, others on 
their necks ; and there is not an Aflyrian 
here without fome mark or other. They have 
another cuftom here, in which they have been 
followed by the Trezenians, the only Greeks 
who praftife it. The young men and maidens 
among them never marry, without firft cutting 
off and offering up their hair to Hippolytus : 
this they do alfo at Hierapolis, where the young 
men leave their beards after the firft time of 
Ihaving them. They likewife put their hair into 
boxes of gold or filver, which they offer up in 
the temple : all then leave their name upon it, 
and depart. This I did myfelf, when I was a 
young man : my hair, and my name with it, are 
ftill in the temple. 

* Mark^ l^cj] This borders nearly on the praffice of tat- 
tooing amongft the natives of Otaheite, as deferibed by 
captain Cook, See hia Voyage, 

E N C O, 



^his Dialogue is introduced in a very finpdar Man^ 
ner, hy a Speech zvhtch we niufi fuppofe made by 
Luc IAN before fome popular JJfembly : it is fre- 
quently interrupted by a Kind of Narrative, and 
changes towards the End into a Difcourfe of a 
very different Nature from thefirjl. There are ^ 
to fay the Truth, fo7ne fufpicious Circumjlancei 
throughout, that feem to render it doubtful whe- 
ther it was written by Luc i an or not; as it isy 
hozvever, upon the whole, both curious and enter- 
taining, I have tranjlatcd it, fubmitting its Au- 
thenticity to the Judgment of the Reader » 

AS I was walking the other day jufi before 
noon in the Portico, on the left hand 
where you go out, who fhould I meet but Ther- 
fagoras : fome of you may perhaps recoiled: the 
man ; he is a little flout fellow, with an aquiline 
ncfe, and a pale complexion, when the follovv- 
ing converfarion pafTed between us. 
L Y C I N U S. 
What ho ! i)oet, Therfagoras, whither are 
you going, and whence come you ? 

Vol. IV. C c T H :^ R« 

I am come from home, and going to the Por- 
tico here. 

L Y C I N U S. 

What ^ to walk ? 

Yes, on a particular occafion ; I got up in; 
the middle of the night, and have been at work 
all this morning, making verfes in honour ol 
Homer's birth-day. 

L y C I N U S. 
Very well : it is the lead you can do, In vc- 
turn for the inilrudion and improvement which 
you have reaped from him.. 


I have begun, but not finilhed it, like a lazy 

fellow as I am ; therefore, as I faid before, I 

mufl walk ; but, firft, let me offer up my prayers 

to him. [Here he pointed with his hand to the 

Homer that Jiands, you may remember ^ to the right of 

Vtolemys temple^ that, I mean, with the long hair.J 

I mufl requeft him to infpire me with fome 

good lines. 

L Y C I N U S. 

If prayers would do on thefe occafions, T 
fliould aik the fame favour myfelf of Demof- 
thenes, and beg him to give me fomething oa 
. ■ . his, 


Ms birth-day alfo, ^nd, thus, we might both be 
the better for it. 

For my daily and nightly labours, and for the 

fine and happy flow of my verfes, I ought cer- 
tainly to thank Homer; for I have been, as it 
were, divinely infpired, and with a kind of Bac- 
chanalian fury in every thing 1 have written ; 
but you fliall judge yourfelf; for I have brought 
my little book here along with me, that, if I lit 
on an idle friend, I might fhew it to him ; and 
luckily you feem to be quite at leifure. 
L Y C I N U S. 

You are a happy fellow, indeed, and jud 
like a conqueror in the race, who, after wip- 
ing off his own dull, entertains himfelf with 
laughing at a poor man who is going to enter 
The lifts, and is frightened out of his wits at 
the danger. 


You talk as if there was any thing fo very 
difficult in the tafk. 

L Y C I N U S. 

You think, perhaps, Demofthenes is not to 
be compared to Homer as a fubjedt for panegy- 
ric, and that I, therefore, have but little to do. 

Ycu wrong me : I never meant to make a 
C c 2, difference 


difference between the two heroes, though I 
may prefer one to the other. 

L Y C I N U S. 
And why fliould not I do the fame ? You do 
not defpife my fubje(fl then; but, perhaps, poe- 
try, you think, is the only thing of confe- 
quence, and hold oratory in no efleem ; as horfe- 
men look down with contempt on foot foldiers. 
T H E R S A G O R A S. 
No, far be it from me ; though the poet muft, 
no doubt, have a kind of divine fury about him^ 
L Y C I N U S. 
The profe writer too, let me tell you, mufl 
have fome infpiration, if he would foar abovs 
the vulgar. 

I often entertain myfelf in comparing one with 
the other; and particularly Homer and Demoll- 
henes, who fo much refemble each other in 
ftrengthj fpirir, and that divine infpiration com- 
mon to both : his 

* Opprefs'd^with wine, of Homer, 
with Philip's -I- drunkennefs, dancing and lafci- 
vioufnefs. The 

* Opprefid^ i^c ] Gr. OtvoCx^E?. See Homer's Iliadi, 
book i, 1. 225. the beginning of Achilles's fpeech to Aga- 
memnon. Pope has omitted this word in his tranflation, 
and only fays, Monster, &c. 

f DrHnketinefs.} See the fecond Olynth, of Demofthenes. 



+ Without a fign his fword the brave man drawj, 
of the one, with " It § becomes good men, fup- 
ported by good hopes, &c." And when I read, 

II What tears fhall down thy filver beard be roll'd, 
O Feleus, old in arms, in wifdom old, 

it muft put me in mind of, " f What groans 
did thofe brave men fend forth, who died for 
glory and for freedom !" I compare the " Flow- 
ing * Python," to the words of Ulylles, that 

■ft Soft as the fleeces of defcending fnows, 

And that of Homer, 

XX Cou'd all our care elude the gloomy grave, 
v/ith a fimilar pafTage of Demoflhenes, where 
he fays, *< 4, For death muft be the end of 
every man, even if he hides himfelf in the mod 
fecret cave :" and a hundred other places, where 
the thoughts of both are nearly the fame. I 
admire their figures, their allegories, their tran- 
fitions, their fweetnefs, their pathos, their ha- 
tred, in fhort, of every thing that is barbarous 

+ M'^ithout a Jign, ^i-.] See Pope'i Homer's Iliad, book 
xli. 1. 283. 

§ // becomes, i^c.'] See the Oration pro Corona, 

il IVhat tcars,^c.1 See Pope'sHomer's Iliad, book i.l. 249, 

f IFhat groans, Cs'r.] See the Oration contra Ariftocr, 

* Floivifig PythoH.'\ See Orat. pro Cor. 

•|--|- Soft as. "] See Iliad, book iii. 1. 222. 

% X Cou'd all, ^f.] See Pope's Homer's Iliad, b. xil. I 38;. 

if For dcath^ ^t,] See Demofth. de Coron, , 

C c 3 and 


and inelegant. To fay the truth, I mult confefs, 
that Demofthenes has reproved the indolence of 
the Athenians with more force and fpirit thati 
Homer did that of the Greeks, merely by call- 
ing them women inftead of men, and is gene- 
rally more wajrm and fpirited in his defcriptions 
than the other, who in the heat of battle makes 
his heroes talk too much, and damps the ar- 
dour of the engagement with tales and fables. 
I am pleafed in Dem.ofthenes with the divifion 
of his parts, the harmony of his periods, and 
that poetical fweetnefs which adorns his works : 
whilfl, on the other hand. Homer is by no means 
deficient in antithefis, comparifons, fpirited 
figures, and purity of language: the graces, 
both of art and nature feem united in him. I 
by no means, therefore, as you plainly fee, hold 
your mufe in contempt, though I think an enco- 
mium on Homer more difficult than one on De- 
mofthenes ; for, excluiive of his poetry, I have 
nothing fure and certain to go upon : all is 
hidden from us, nor do we know the leaft of his 
country, his family, or the time when he flou- 
rilhed. If we had any thing to depend on, with 
regard to the place of his nativity, we fhould 
no longer be in doubt whether it was Colophon, 
or Cum^, or Chios, or Smyrna, or ^^gyptian 
Thebes, or fifty other places; or whether he 



was fprung from Mgeoh, the Lydian river, and 
Melanope, or fome nymph or dryad ; whether 
he lived in the age of ancient heroes, or in 
later times : wc know not whether he was prior 
or pofterior to Hefiod, whether he is the old * 
Melefigenes, or whether he was really, as re- 
ported, poor and blind. We muft content oiir- 
ielves, therefore, to let all thefe things remain 
in their original obfcurity, and confine our eu- 
logium to his vcrfes, and the excellent leflbns of 
wifdom and virtue contained in them. But your 
bufmefs is all ready to your hand ; the exquifite 
dilh is prepared, and you have nothing to do 
but to garniili it. Fortune bellowed on Demof- 
thenes every thing that was great, illuftrious, 
and defireable. Athens was his country, that 
noble city, the pillar of Greece, celebrated by 
Jo many excellent poets : on this head I could 
bring in the adventures of the gods, their gifts, 
their habitations, their diviiions, with the Eleu- 
finian myileries : I could introduce the Athe- 
nian laws, their affemblies, their conquefts and 
triumphs by land and lea, fubjeds that require 
the nerve and elegance of a Demofthenes him- 

* Melejigenci ] Homer is fuppofed to have taken this name 
from the river Meles, running by the walls of Smyrna in 
Ionia, with a cave at its head, where he is faJd to have 
written hb poems« 

' C c 4 felf 


felf to defcribe ; this would afford ample matter 
for a panegyric, nor fhould I be fingular in draw- 
ing part of my encomium from his country. 
Jfocrates, in his praife of Helen, brought in 
Thefeus : poets, you know, have a licence for 
everything; but, you will fay, 1 tranfgrefs the 
rule of proportion, and make the door bigger 
than the houfe ; to fay no more, therefore, of 
Athens, let us remember that his father was an 
admiral, a title of the higheft rank there ; and 
his leaving his fon an orphan was no misfor- 
tune to him, but rather a happinefs, as it gave 
him the opportunity of fliewing his talents, and 
increafed his reDUtation. Concernine: Homer's 
education and manners, hiftory gives us no in- 
telligence, nor muft we have recourfe to Her 
fiod's laurel, that infpired the fhepherds, and 
made them all poets j but in the praife of De- 
mofthenes you may call in the teftimony of 
Calliflratus, Alcidamus, Ifocrates, IfiEus, Eu-. 
batides, and a long lift of learned names to affift 
you. You may tell us, that in fpite of all the 
pleafures of Athens, in fpite of that propenfity 
to vice, which young men are ever prone to, 
and though, through his tutor's negligence, he 
might have given himfelf up to luxury and ex- 
travagaiice, the love of philofophy and virtue 
prevailed over all, and led him, not to the door 



of * Phryne, but to the fchools of Ariftotle, 
Theophraftus, Xenocrates, and Plato. 

And here, my good friend, you might ha- 
rangue on the two different kinds of -j~ love that 
aftuate the human breafl ; one vague, fluduat- 
ing, wild, and ftormy, raifing tumults In the 
mind, like that Venus of the fea, from whence 
it fprang : the other, a link of the great hea- 
venly chain, an image of the never-fading god- 
defs of beauty, who doth not inflidt incurable 
wounds with fires and darts, but infpires the 
foul with a pure and holy flame, that facred 
fury which, as the tragedians fay, the gods alone, 
and thofe who refembie them, are endowed 
with. It was this which enabled the great ora- 
tor to go through the J grotto, the looking- 
glafs, and the fword ; which taught him to get 
over the difficulties of his pronunciation, to de- 
fpife the multitude, to continue night and day 
at his ftudies, which fharpened his memory, 
and made him vigilant and induftrious: we are 
not, therefore, furprifed to find Demofthenes 
fo excellent, enriching his orations both with 

* P/jty^ie.] A famous courtefan. Sec Fontenclle's Dial, 
of the Dead. 

t Love.] For an illuflration of this doftrine, and the 
many pretty things that are faid upon it, I refer my readers 
tQ Shafteibury's Charaderi flics. 

j Groti'j.] See Plutarch de Vet, Rhet. 



words and fentiments, exprefling all the pallions 
of the mind with fuch force and fpirir, and 
With fuch a variety of figures : he alone, as 
Leofthenes did not fcruple to affert, could pro- 
duce a dlfcourfe that was at once lively and folid. 

■f CalliitheneSj fpeaking of the tragedies of 
^fchylus, tells us, that he always wrote them 
when he was in liquor, as if the wine had Ihar- 
pened his wit, and infpired him : but not fo 
Demoilhenes, who drank nothing but water ; 
which made Demades fay, others fpoke by the 
* water, but he wrote by it : and fo neat and 
terfe were his orations,, that Pytheas faid they 
fmelt of the lamp. 

Thus far we go hand in hand, and I can fay 
nearly the fame with regard to the poetry of 
Homer : but when we come to coniider his 

goodnefs and humanity, his fair and honeft 
management of the public money, his zeal 
for the common-wealth 

■f CalUJIhenes.'] Plutarch, in his Sympofium, fays the 
fame thing of iEfchylus, but does not attribute it to Cal- 

* The water.l Alluding to the cuftom of the orator's 
fpeaking by the water-dial, often mentioned byLucian. Ou.r 
preachers, in like manner, ufed to meafure their difcourfes 
by an hour-glafs, with fand in it, feveral of which yet re- 
jnuiii in feme of our country churches, 

L Y C I- 


L Y C I N U S. 

Do you mean to go on, and drown me wltk 
his praifes ? 


I do: to mention his public feafls, and 
fports, his manning the fleets, building fortifi- 
cations, freeing captives, marrying virgins for 
the good of the ftate, fending embaffies, and 
enading falutary laws ; when I think, in ihort, 
how much he did to ferve his country in every 
refpedt, I cannot help fmiling, to fee my friend 
contradting his brow, and afraid that he Ihould 
not find matter fufficient for an encomium on 

L Y C I N U S. 

Can you imagine that I, who have been fo 
long engaged in the Iludy of oratory, Ihould 
be a flranger to the merit and adions of De- 
mofthenes ? 


I Ihould think fo, if you really wanted, as 
you fay you do, any affirtance for fuch a tafk : 
but, perhaps, he throws fuch a fplendour round, 
that you cannot look at fo dazzling an obje(5t : 
the fame, indeed, happened to me with regard 
to Homer ; I was very near throwing my work 
afide, becaufe I could not keep my eyes fixed 
upon it : 1 have however, 1 know not how, reco- 


vered, and accuilomed myfelf by degrees to 
look up at the fun, that I might nor appear 
totally ignorant and unworthy of fuch a fub- 
jeft; your's^ notwithflanding, is certainly a much 
eafier undertaking : for all the praifes of Homer 
mufl: center in his poetry alone, whilft the vir- 
tues of Dcmofthenes are only too numerous, like 
the luxuries of a Sicilian table, or a grand and 
magnificent fpedtacle, where all the fenfes are 
delighted, and you know not what to admire 
moft : and thus it is with regard to the great 
orator, whether you confider the fprightlinefs 
of his wit, the force of his eloquence, his tem- 
perance and fortitude, his contempt of riches, 
liisjuftice, humanity, good fenfe and difcretion 
m every word and action. When you call to 
mind his laws, his embaffies, his fleets ; when 
you think on Megara, Eubcea, Boeotia, Chios, 
Rhodes, Byzantium, and the Hellefpont, fuch 
a variety of merit dlftradls you, and you know 
not which way to turn, or what to fix firfl: upon. 
Thus Pindar, revolving various things in his 
mind, cries out, 

Shall I of golden Melia, or of fweet 

irmcucus fing, or Cadmus, or the fons 

Of Sparta far renown'd, or flaming Thebes, 

Or ail-fubduing Hercules, or chant 

The chcarful Bacchus, cr the nuptial rites 

Of fair Harmonia ? 



And, in like manner, you know not which firfi: 
to celebrate, his eloquence, or his life, his ora- 
tory, or his philofophy, his art of ruling and 
direding the people, or his glorious death. 

I would advife you, therefore, to take fome 
one particular, and try your fkill upon that : 
compare his eloquence, for inftance, to that of 
Pericles, which, we are told, was like thunder 
and lightning, that it left its fting deeply fixed 
in the mind ; it was not, however, fo firm and 
folid ; not fuch as would ftand the teft of years : 
if you confidered the virtues of his foul^ and 
his ffreat afts for the fervice of the common- 
weal, you might fingle out only two or three of 
them, which would afford you a fund fufficient. 
Homer often praifcs the particular parts of his 
heroes; their feet, head, or hair; their arms, or 
their idiields : and the gods themfelves are cele- 
brated by the poets for the segis, or the dart. 
You might praife Demofthenes, therefore, fof 
any fingle virtue or perfection ; as to cekbraie 
them all would be a talk even for the great 
orator himfelf. 

L Y C I N U S. 

You mean, I fuppofe, by this encomium on 
Demofthenes, to convince me that you are not 
only a poet, and can write good verfcs,.but that 



you are anorator, and can write excellent proffe 

al fo, 


I only intended to run over the matter of 

your oration, that, by making the taik eafier to 

you, I might induce you to iiften to my poem. 

L Y C I N U S. 

You have done nothing, I alTure you ; I wifh, 

indeed, I may not be more at a lofs than ever. 


If that be the cafe, I am a fine phyfician 


L Y C I N U S. 

You are : for not knowing where the ma- 
lady lay, you have only cured one dillemper 
inftead of another. 


How fo? 

L y C I N u s. 

Eecaufe you have endeavoured to remove 
thofe difficulties, which only a ftranger to ora- 
tory could be fubjed: to : but I have been en- 
gaged in it for years ; therefore your advice i<5 
of no fervice. 


It may teach you, perhaps, at lead, that, 
after all, the plain beaten road is the fafeft 
and befl. 



L Y C I N U S. 
May be not : I have no fuch armbition as 
the Cyrenian charioteer had, who, by way of 
fhewing his fkill before Plato and his friends, 
drove a number of chariots round the Academy, 
all in the fame circle, fo that there was only the 
mark of one left behind ; but I do not defire 
to go always in the fame track, but to leave 
the old, and ftrike out a new one. 

You put me in mind of * Paufon*s fc^ieme* 

L Y C I N U S. 
What was that ? for I never heard of it. 

Paufon had been defired to paint a horfe roll- 
ing himfelf on the ground,, inflead of which he 
drew him running, and a great duft about him : 
when the perfon who had ordered came to fee it, 
he complained that it was not as he had defired j 
upon which the painter bade his boy turn the 
piffture upfide down, which ihewed the horfe ill 
its proper poflure. 

L Y C I N U S. 

You are a pleafant fellow, Therfagoras, to 
fuppofe that I, who have been fo many years at 
the bufinefs, could not find out a number of 

* Paitfan.] A celebrated painter, mentioned by vElian, 
Plutarch, and other ancient writers, 



tranfpoiitions and circumvolutions ; and at laftj 
perhaps, do as Proteus did. 

How was that ? 

L Y C I N U S. 
Why, after affuming the form of every ani- 
mal, plant, and element, he was forced, for 
want of more, to come back to his own, and 
become Proteus again. 

You feem to take even more Ihapes upon you 
than he did, to avoid hearing my poem. 
L Y C I N U S. 
By no means, my good friend ; for I will 
even leave my own bufinefs unfinifhed to attend 
you : perhaps, after being delivered yourfelf, 
you may help me to take care of my brat alfo, 
rWe then fat down together on the next bank, 
where he repeated to me fome very excellent 
verfes, during which he feemed in a kind of 
phrenzy, and then wrapping up his papers :] 
Now, take the reward of your patience, a? 
thofe are paid who attend the courts of juflice; 
but I expert to be thanked for it. 
L Y C I N U S. 
" That youfhall, even though I do not know 
what it is for ; but, pray, inform me ? 

T H E R- 


T H E R S A G O R A S. 

By chance, the other day, I met with feme 
Memoirs of the Kings of Macedon, with which 
I was highly pleafed ; and having perufed them 
carefully, bought the book, and have it now at 
home : there is in it a great deal of the private 
hiftory of Antipater, together with many things 
concerning Demoflhenes, which you will be 
glad to hear. 

L Y C I N U S. 

I thank you heartily for this piece of good 
news, and, in return, will give you my pro- 
mife to hear the reft of your poem, but flialL 
not leave you till you perform your's : you have 
given me a fine treat on the Birth-day of Ho- 
mer, and are preparing another for Demoflhenes. 

[Accordingly, after reciting the reft of his 

poem, to which I gave its due praife, we went 

home to his houfe, where, though with fome 

difficulty, he, at length, found the book, which 

I took and carried away with me ; and no fconer 

had I gone through, than I refolvcd to read it 

to you, word for word, without altering a fyl- 

lable of it : nor is jEfculapius lefs honoured 

at his fcftival, by the repetition of veifes from 

* Alifodemus or Sophocles, than if they were to 


• Allfo(icmus,'\ This poet is not mentioned, I believe. 
Vol. IV. D d by 


make new ones on the occafion. At the feafi: 
of Bacchus, they have left off repeating new 
poems, comedies, and tragedies ; but content 
themfelves with the old ones, as paying the 
fame honour to the gods. 

The book tells us (in that part of it which 
concerns the matter in hand, and which is writ- 
ten in dialogue,) that Antipater had juft re- 
ceived notice of Archias's arrival. This Archias 
(which fome of the young men here may, per- 
haps, not be acquainted with) was the perfon 
commiffioned to feize on thofe who had been 
profcribed, and who had received orders from 
'the king to bring Demofthcnes to him, rather 
by fair hieans, if pofiible, than by force of 
arms, out of Calauria. Antipater was now in 
daily expedlation of feeing him ; and, as foon 
as he heard that Archias was returned, order- 
ed him into his prefence : as foon as he came in 
—-but the book will tell you the refi ; it runs 


t A R C H I A S. 

Health and happinefs to Antipater, 

by any other writer, though, by his being ptit into com- 
pany with Sophocles, we fhoiild conclude him to have been 
a man of fome dilHndtion. 

■\- ThiiT dialogue is curious and entertaining, and gives us 
the highefl iidea both of Antipater and Demoflhenes. 

A N T I- 



A N T I P A T E R. 
Health and happinefs will attend me, if you 
have brought Demofthenes. 

A R C H I A S. 
That, as far as was in my power, I h?ve 
done ; for I have got all that remains of him 
an this urn. 

Archias, you have ruined all my hopes : 
what will his alhes avail, if I have not De- 
mofthenes ? 

His foul, O king, could not be retained by 

Why did not you take him alive ? 

We did. 


Did he die, then, by the way ? 

No : in Calauria. 

I fuppofe, by your negledt in not taking 
care of him. 

It was not in our power. 

P d a A N T I? 


How is that ? you talk in riddles ; you took 
him alive, and yet you have him not. 
A R C H I A S. 
Your firft commands were, that we fhould 
not ufe violence ; but we were obliged to it, 
though it was of no fervice. 

You fliouid not have done it at all : what 
he fuffered from you, I fuppofe, deflroyed him. 
A R C H I A S. 
We did not kill him, though we were com- 
pelled to ufe fome force when we could not 
perfuade him : but, after all, what advantage 
would you have reaped from our bringing him 
alive ? as you muft afterwards, yourfelf, have 
made an end of him. 


No : Archias, you are a flranger both to his 
merits and my fentiments : you feem to think 
the bringing Demoilhenes to me a matter of no 
more confequence, than if you had difcovered 
thofe wretches, "^ Phalereus, Ariftonicus, or 
Eucrates, poor and contemptible creatures, 
who, like rapid torrents, fwell with popular 
tumults, and, when the wind fubfides, fink, 

* Phalereus.'] For an account of thefe, fee Plutarch's 
Life of Demoflhenes. 



and are no more ; or the faithlefs -f Hyperides, 
who, to flatter the multitude, biufhed not to 
calumniate Demofihenes, to pleafe thofe who 
were afterwards afhameJ of it^ when he return- 
ed from banifliment, like Alcibiades, with re- 
doubled glory, whilft Hyperides bllilhed not 
to declaim even againft his bed friend, with 
that tongue which defer ved to be cut out for 
its perjury and falfchood. 

A R C H I A S. 

But, was not Dcmofthenes one of our moll 
inveterate enemies ? 

A N T I P A T E R. 

No : if faith and truth have any charms, If 
what is firm and incorruptible deferves efleem 
and approbation : honefty is honefty, even in 
an enemy, and virtue precious, wherefover it 
h found : nor would I wifli to behave worfe 
than Xerxes, who, when'it was in his power to 
deftroy Bulis and Sperchis, becaufe he deferved- 
ly admired, fet them free. Demoilhenes, whom 
I met twice at Athens, though 1 had not leifure 
to converfe with him, vvhofe adions and cha- 
racter I was well acquainted with, was a man 
whom I had always the higbelt veneration for, 

•f Hyper Ues ] A rival orator, who profeiTed the greateft 
f'rlendfliip for Deniolihenes, and aftei'wards betrayed nnd 
accuild him. See Pku. in X. Rhet. 

D d 3 and 


and that, not, as may be fuppofed, for his 
eloquence alone ; though Python and the ora- 
tors of Athens were nothing when compared to 
him, whether we confider the elegance of his 
llyle, the harmony of his periods, the force of 
his argum.ents, or that wonderful power of con- 
vidion which he was polTeffed of. Very forry 
I was that I convened the Greeks, induced by 
Python and his promifes, in order to refute the 
Athenians, when the thunder of Demofthenes 
•was exerted againft me : his eloquence fliut up 
every avenue againft us : but I confider this 
noble quality merely as an inftrument, made ufe 
of by him, to carry on his political dcfigns. 
"What I moft admired him for, was his good 
fenfe and difcretion ; that fortitude which he 
Ihewed in adverlity, and which enabled him, 
even when almoft overwhelmed beneath the 
•waves of ill-fortune, to rife fuperior to ir, and 
feem infenfible of danger. I am fatisfied, that 
Philip alfo entertained the fame opinion of 
him : for once, I remember, when he was told 
that Demofthenes had inveighed againft him 
in the fenate, and Parmenio, in an angry m.ood, 
was throwing out fome bitter farcafm on this 
great orator : " Demofthenes (faid Philip) has 
a right to fpcak with freedom ; for he is the 
only Grecian orator whom I have not in my 


pay, though I had much rather truft to him, 
if I could have fecured him, than to my na- 
vies and armies. Amongft moft of his bre- 
thren, both here and in Boeotia, I have fcat- 
tered my gold, herds, cattle, and annual pre- 
fents : but I could fooner take * Byzantium 
by ftorm, than bribe Demofthenes." " If an 
Athenian, haranguing at Athens, (replied Par- 
menio,) was to prefer me to his own country, 
I would give that man my money, but not my 
friendfliip; but if, for his country's fake, he 
hates and oppofes me, I would attack him as 
I would his naval armaments, the walls and 
bulwarks of his city ; though, at the fame 
time, I admire his virtue, and think that king- 
dom happy, which can boaft of fuch a defen- 
der J i would deftroy the place, and all that be- 
longs to it : but 1 would rather have him on 
our fide, than the Triballi, the lilyrian horfe- 
men, or all the mercenary troops which we 
could hire ; as I would prefer the power of 
eloquence, and the wifdom of good councils, 
to the firength of armies, and all the force of 
military preparation." 

Thus did he fpeak to Parmenio, and frc' 

* Byzanthim.'] This city was confidered as the key a{ 
Greece. Philip was prevented from taking it by the fA-x^ 
quence of Pemoilhenes, 

D d 4 quently 


quently would he talk to me in the fame flyle : 
once, in particular, I remember, when 1 feem- 
ed uneafy, and difpleafed at his fending Diopi- 
thes to Athens : " Are you afraid (faid he, 
laughing,) of what Athenian leaders, or their 
armies, can do againfl; us ? their pirseus, their 
harbours, their fleets and armies, I defpife : 
what can a fet of Bacchanals do, who live in 
the m/idft of fongs and feflivals ? if Demofthe- 
res alone were abfent, we fhould more eaiily 
take the city than by all we could do, either 
with force or fraud, to gain over the Thebans 
and TheiTalians : but he is for ever watchful, 
feizing every opportunity to refift our attacks, 
and, by his counfels alone, renders fruitlefs all 
our operations : try what we will, defign what 
we will, adt as we will, we cannot efcape him. 
In a word, this man is the fole obftacle to our 
conquefl and fuccefs ; and, if he had been pre- 
fent, we fhould not have taken Amphipolis or 
Olynthus, Pyl^, Cherfonefus, nor any thing 
which we polfefs round the Hellefpont. He 
flirs up his fellow-citizens, even againfl their 
vi'ill : when they are lulled, as it were, to fleep, 
by mandragora, he roufes them from their le- 
thargy, and, with his eloquence, burns up and 
dellroys their indolence, little folicitous of their 
favour or affedion ; he applies the profits of 



the theatre to the fupport of the army, and re- 
formed the corrupt Itate of the navy by falutary 
laws : the dignity of the empire, which, for a 
long time, had been miferably impaired, he 
hath rellored : he hath called them back to a 
remembrance of their anceftors, and a noble 
emulation of what pafled at Marathon and Sala- 
mis : he is perpetually forming new alliances, 
and treaties, with the flates of Greece : it is as 
impoffible, in Ihort, to conceal any thing from, 
to deceive, or corrupt him, as it was for the 
Perfian king to bribe Ariftides. This man, 
therefore, Antipater, is more to be dreaded 
than all their fleets and armies. What Themi- 
ftocles and Pericles were to the ancient Athe- 
nians, is Demofthenes to the prefent : the un- 
derftanding and knowlege of the one, the wif- 
dom, eloquence, and courage of the other, are 
combined in him. I am obliged to them for 
fending out Chares, Diopithes, Proxenus, and 
fuch like generals, and keeping Demofthenes 
at home : if they were to appoint him leader 
of their army and navy, and fuperintendant 
over all their affairs, I fliould tremble for Ma- 
cedonia itfelf ; as it is he harafles me with his 
counfels, finds perpetual refources, furniflies 
new fleets and armies, is prefent in every place, 

and perpetually oppofes me.'' 



Thus would Philip often talk to me concern- 
ing him, ever looking upon it as the grcateft 
inftance of his good fortune, that their armies 
were not led by Demoflhenes, whofe animated 
fpeeches, like fo many battering-rams, beat 
down all his counfels. After the vidtory at 
Cheronzea, many a time would he call to mind 
the perils we had been in on his account; 
*' for, though, (faid he,) through the impru- 
dence of their generals, the confufion of their 
troops, and our own unexpe(fted good fortune, 
we conquered ; yet, on that very day, did 1 
run the hazard both of my crown and life, by 
bis means, fo firmly did he unite the cities, 
colled: the forces, Thebans, Athenians, Corin- 
thians, and Eubzeans, into one body, and pre- 
vent my penetrating into the interior parts of 

Thus would he be perpetually talking of Dc- 
mofthcncs, and if any body oblcrved to him 
that the Athenians were his moll: powerful 
enemies, his conftant anfwer was, " Demoflhe- 
nes is my only enemy ; the Athenians without 
him would be no more than i^nians, or Thef- 
falians." Whenever he fent ambafladors to the 
cities, and the Athenians employed any other 
orators -to plead for them, he was furc to be fuc- 
cefsful ; but whenever Demollhenes came j ■ 

" Our 


<« Our embaffy, he would fay, is vain; for vic- 
tory over his orations no trophies can ever be 
raifed :" and what would you have me, who am 
fo much inferior to Philip, do with this man ? 
Should I lead him as an ox to the llaughter, 
or fhould I not rather make him my counfellor 
and friend ? Such I would wifh to find him, 
not only from the opinion which I have of him 
from his own adtions, but from the tePiimony 
alfo of Ariftotle, who alTured me that Alexan- 
der admired him above all men, for his elo- 
quence, freedom, fortitude, and wifdom. Would 
you put fuch a man upon a level with * Eubu- 
lus, Phrynon, and Philocrates ? Do you think 
it poffible to corrupt him, who has fpent all his 
patrimony, either in fupport of the public caufe, 
or in prefents to his indigent friends and neigh- 
bours ; Or can you think him capable of being 
intimidated, who refolved to facrifice his life in 
the fervice of his country? Can you be angry at 
his reflections on you, when even the Athe- 
nians do not efcape his cenfure ? He takes care 
of the common weal, from the fincere love 
which he has for it, and confiders his country 
as a fchool of philofophy. The opinion of 
fuch a man, Archias, I could wifh to have 

* Eubolus, ^i-.] Enemies of Demofthenes and of their 
country. See his Oration de FalCi Legatione. 



inown, concerning the prefent flate of my 
aiairs ; his wholefome counfels I would gladly 
lave liflcned to, much rather than to the croud 
of flatterers which furround me. I would have 
adviled him, inilead of facrificing his life to 
thofe ungrateful Athenians, to rely on better 
and more faithful friends. With regard to any 
tiling elk, you might have prevailed on him ; 
but his country he would never have forfaken, 
which he loved even to diftraftion." 

*^ I believe fo, faid Antipater; but how did 
ht die f " *' Thar, anfwered Archias, will raife 
your aftoniihment more than any thing elfe : 
■we, who were eye-witnefies, were amazed at it. 
His death, from the preparation he had made 
for it, feemed to be a matter long fince deter- 
mined : he fat in the inner part of the temple, 
where 1 converfed with him for feveral days, 
l)i3,t to no purpofe.*' " And what, faid Antipa- 
ter, was the fubjc(fl of your difcourfe f" 
" Your humanity, replied Archias, and defign 
of pardoning him; not that I knew this was 
youp intention, for I believed you were greatly 
exafperated againfl him : but I thought it right 
to make him believe you would." " Would 
1 had been there myfelf, faid Antipater, to have 
llxeard what pafTed ! but tell me everything; 
k is no little fatisfadiion to know the fentiments 



and behaviour of a great man in ',the hour of 
death : what faid he to the offer ? was he v»'eak 
and cowardly, or did he retain his firmnefs and 
conftancy to thelaft?" " He did, faid Archias; 
with a pleafing fmile on his countenance, rallied 
me on my pall life, faid I was a bad ad:or, and 
repeated your falfehoods moftmiferably." " And 
did he, faid Antipat^r, deftroy himfelf, rather 
than truft to my promifes ?" " Not fo, re- 
plied Archias ; it was not you alone (fince you 
muft know all), whom he diftrufted : '' There 
is nothing, faid he, fo wicked which I cannot be- 
lieve of a Macedonian, nor is it wonderful they 
iliould wilh to take Demoilhenes, as they have 
already taken Amphipolis, Olv nthus, and Oro- 
pus." Much more he then fpake to the fame 
purpofe; for I took down, by a notary, all he 
faid, that I might convey it to you. " The 
fear of death and torture, faid he, would have 
prevented my coming into the prefence of An- 
tipater; but, if what you fay be true, I have 
ftill more reafon to dread, left, if Antipater 
ihould fpare my life, I might be corrupted, 
and, leaving the poll: of honour, which I held 
in Greece, bafely throw myfelf into Macedon : 
were I thus to adt, to what purpofe was the Pi- 
rsus, the walls and ditches which 1 built, the 
tribe of Pandion, and the pomp of facrifice ; 



what profited the laws of Solon and Draco, 
the military and naval decrees which I fupport- 
ed ; all the virtues, and all the trophies of my 
anceflors, the generofity of the citizens, who 
crowned me, and all the powers of Greece, 
which 1 fuftained and preferved ? If I mufl owe 
my life to the pity and to the liberality of others, 
I would owe it, at leaft, to thofe whom I have 
obliged, to thofe captives whom I have redeem- 
ed, to thofe fathers whofe children I have por- 
tioned, to thofe whofe debts I have paid : but 
if neither the influence nor authority which I 
once pofTeffed, both by fea and land, can fe- 
cure me, to Neptune here I fly for fafety, to 
this altar, and thefe facred laws. If Neptune 
will not defend his fandtuary, and protedt his 
votaries, I will rather die than fall down before 
and worfliip Antipater. Long fince might I 
have had friends enough in Macedon, could I 
have adted like * Callimedon, Pytheas, and De- 
mades : but I revered the memory of Codrus, 
and the daughters of Eredlheus : becaufe for- 
tune has deferted me, I will not, therefore, de- 
fert my country; death is the beft'afylum we 
can flee to from folly and corruption : I will 
not <lifgrace Athens, by preferring llavery to 

* Callimedon, ferV.] The enemies and accufers of De- 
mofthenes. See Plutarch. 



freedom. Do not you remember, for to you I 
may properly quote from tragedy, what -j- Po- 
lyxena fays, 

As (he dy'd, with decency to fall 

Was her peculiar care. 

Thus fell a virgin, and Ihall Demofthenes prefer 
a fhameful life to honourable death, forgetful of 
what I Xenocrates and Plato have faid con- 
cerning immortality ? But why need I repeat 
any more ?" At length, after I had endeavour- 
ed, but in vain, both by prayers and threats, 
to prevail on him ; *' With thefe, faid he, 
were I Archias, I might be moved ; but, being 
what I am, you muft pardon my not adliing like 
a coward." I had then thoughts of dragging 
him by force from the altar ; but, perceiving 
my intention, he fmiled, and fixing his eyes up- 
on the god ; " Archias, cried he, feems to 
think that Ihips, and walls, and armies, are 
the only things which man can truft and rely 
upon ; defpifing that refuge and fhelter which 
I confide in, a power which neither the Illy- 
rians, Treballians, nor Macedonians can fub- 
due; flronger than that wooden wall, which, the 
god declared, could never be deflroyed : that 
providence which fijpported me in the com- 

-j- Polyxena.'] Seethe Hecuba of Euripides, 1. ^68. 
J Xenocrates.^ See Diogenes Laertius, iv. xii. and xiii. 



mon-wealth, which enabled me, without fear 
to adl againft Macedon, which made me as fu- 
perior then to Eudtemon, Ariflogiton, Pytheas, 
Callimedon, and Philip himfelf, as now 1 am 
to Archias : lay not, thtrefore, thy hands upon 
me, for never will I fuffer this facred fpot to be 
prophaned, but worlhip the deity, and follow 
thee." Thus faying he moved his hand to- 
wards his lips, which I confidered as an adt of 
worfhip." " And what was it, faid Antipa- 
ter?" " He had taken poifon, replied Ar- 
chias, as we afterwards learned from the wo- 
man who attended him, and whoai we forced 
by tortures to confefs ; for fcarce had he got 
out of the porch of the temple, when he cried 
out to us, " Carry this to Antipater ; Demofthe- 

nes you Iball never have : no, by thofe " 

he was going, we fuppofe, to add, — who fell 
at Marathon, but flopped, and only faying, 
farewell ! he expired. Such was the fuccefs of 
-our endeavours to bring Demofthenes to you.'* 
'* O ! Archias, faid Antipater, what a great 
and unconquerable foul had this man ! thus 
nobly to keep in his own power the fureft pledge 
of liberty : doubtlefs he is gone to the illands 
of the blefled, to join the ancient heroes, and 
live for ever with Jupiter the Deliverer : his body 
I will fend to Athens, a nobler prefent to his 

country, even than thofe who died at Marathon. 




In this Dialogue Luc i an ridicules the glaring 
Folly of Polytbcifm, and expofes the Nonjenfe and 
Jbfurdity of the whole Pagan Syfem. His Idea 
of adopting the Proceedings of a Grecian Court of 
Judicature, with all its Forms and Ceremonies, 
and fettling the Synod of the Gods by a Decreej is 
full of true Humour, 


NOW, gods, let us have no whifpering 
in corners, and -^ colloguing together; 
no grumbling, becaufe thofe whom you think 
unworthy are admitted into our fociety ; but as 
we have called a council on the occaiion, le£ 
every one fpeak his fentiments openly, and 
bring his accufation againfl whom he pleafes. 
Do you. Mercury, give public notice, as the 
law directs. 

* CoUogu'mg.'] Gr. x.iio^cysjfii. The word which I have 
here made vifeofin the tranllanon, though rather of the 
vulgar cal>, and not to be met with, I am afraid, in John- 
fon's Didtionary, feems, notwithftanding, to approach nearer 
to the fenfe of the original than any other which our 
language could afford me on this occafwn. 

Vol. IV. E e ,M E R. 



Silence there, and attend : which of the gods, 
who are qualified, choofes to fpeak ? The bufi- 
nefs is concerning -j~ ftrangers and fojourners. 

M O M U S.^ 

I, Momus, have fomething to offer, if Ju- 
piter will give me leave. 


Leave is given by the public notice ; you 
want not, therefore, my permilHon. 
M O M U S. 

I fay then, there are fome amongft us, who, 
not content with being raifed ihemfelves from 
mortals to gods, think it is doing nothing if 
they cannot bring in their followers and attend- 
ants alfo, and place them on a level with us. 
I beg, Jupiter, I may be quite at liberty to fay 
what I pleafe. Every body knows how free I 
am with my tongue, and that I never conceal 
what is bad ; but boldly find fault with every 
thing that is wrong, and fpeak plain, nor am 
ever afraid or afhamed to deliver my opinion ; 
infomuch, that 1 have been called telly and 

i: Stratigers ] Amongft the ancient Greeks, ftrangers and 
enemies were both lignified by the fame name, Sewj, all 
ftrangers being accounted enemies ; the Perfians, in parti- 
cular, were always called fo, Lucian, therefore, intro- 
duces his fubjedl", by calling a council of war, occafioned, 
as it were, by the invaiion of an enemy, 


OF th£ GGDS. 419 

troublefome, nay, accufed by many as a calum- 
niator, and public informer: but fi nee pro- 
clamation is now made, and I have your per- 
miffion withal, I am refolved to fpcak without 
fear or reftraint. I do fay, therefore, that there 
are many here, who, not fatisfied with fitting 
along with us, and eating at our table, have 
brought their fervants and followers into hea- 
ven, and deified them alfo : thefe have fat down 
with us, and partook of our facrifices, without 
paying the tax due to us from them, as ftran- 
gers and fojourners. 

JUPITER., let us have nothing dark, or senig- 
matical, but fpeak plainly and openly, and 
name what names you pleafe ; for the affair is 
now before the public, and every one is to give 
his opinion fairly and candidly : a free fpeakei: 
muft have no fhuffling or evafion. 

M O M U S. 

Moft excellent Jupiter, to exhort me to free-^ 
dom of fpeech ! This is moft king-like, great, 
and magnificent indeed ; then will I tell his 
name. The noble Bacchus, that half-mortal, 
not fo much as fprung from a Grecian, by the 
mother's fide ; but the grandfon of Cadmus, 
a Syro-Phoenician merchant : as he is dignified 
E e z with 


with immortality, I Ihall not fay what he is 
himfelf, nor take notice of his filler, his hob- 
bling gait, or his drunkennefs j you all know 
how weak and effeminate he is, generally half- 
mad, and fmelling of wine pretty early in the 
morning: here has he brought in his whole 
tribe upon us, andjnade gods of Pan, Silenus, 
and the Satyrs, ruftics, goat-herds, wild dancers, 
and creatures with ftrange forms : one of them 
has got * horns, and a long beard, and, from 
the w'aift downwards, is exad:ly like a goat : 
another, a little f bald-pated old man, with a 
flat nofe, a Lydian it feems, and generally rides 
upon an afs : then there arc the Satyrs, with 
their ears cocked up, bald, and with horns, 
like young kids; thefe are Phrygians, and all 
of them, befides their other perfed:ions, have 
long tails. You fee what kind of gods he has 
generoufly provided us with. And can we 
wonder that mortals Ihould laugh at us, when 
they behold fuch a fet of monftrous and ridi- 
culous divinities ? Not to mention the two wo- 
men whom he has introduced amongft us, his 
miftrefs Ariadne (whofe crown he has made a 
liar of), and the daughter of Icarius, the coun- 

* HormJ] Pan. 

i Ball'^atcdt l^c] Silenus* 

try man : 


tryman : but (which is moft abfurd of all), he 
has brought in Erigone's dog alfo, for fear the 
young lady fhould take it ill, that flie had not 
her beloved whelp to keep her company in 
heaven : is not all this fliameful madnefs, and 

folly ? But you fhall hear fome more ■ . 

Not a word, I befeech you, Momus, of Her- 
cules or iEfculapius ! for I fee what you would 
be at. One is ikilled in the art of healing, 
conquers difeafe, and 

X A wife phyfician, Ikill'd our wounds to heal, 
Is more than armies to the public weal. 

And, as to my fon Hercules, by no fmall la- 
bours hath he purchafed immortality : therefore 
bring no accufation againil them. 
M O M U S. 

I'had, indeed, many things to fay; but fhali 
hold my tongue if you defire it, efpecially as 1 
bear about me the marks of your lightning : 
but if I were at liberty, I could produce fome- 
thing, even againft you. 


There you have my free leave ; you cannot 
accufe me of letting ftrangers in. 

t ^ ivife, Ifff.] See Pope's Homer's Ili«d, book xl, 
I. 636. 

Ee3 M OM U S, 


M O M U S. 
The Cretans fay you do, and tell a great 
many ftrange things of you, and, moreover, 
Ihew your tomb ; though, for my part, I give 
T)0 credit to them, any more than I do to the 
JEgeans, who report that you are a baftard : 
what I think you are to blame for, however, 
I ihall freely declare : yon, Jupiter, have your 
felf introduced thefe crimes amongft us, and 
filled our courts with this fpurious iffue, by 
having fuch frequent commerce with mortals, 
and defcending to them in various fhapes ; in- 
fomuch that we are often in fear of your being 
facrificed as a bull, or, when you are turned 
into gold, that fomebody, inllead of a Jove, 
ihould make a bracelet, a necklace, or an ear- 
ring of you : you have filled heaven, to fay the 
truth, with nothing but thefe half-gods, for I 
can call them by no other name : who can 
help laughing, when he ig told (which to be 
fure is of all things the mofl ridiculous), that 
Hercules is made a god of, whilft Euryflheus, 
who had the command over him, died like 
9ther mortals, and you may fee the temple of 
the fervant, and the tomb of his mafter clofe 
to each other. Again, at Thebes, Bacchus is 
worlhipped as a deity, whilfl his neareft rela- 
tions^ Pcntheus, Adtaon, and Learchus, are 

OF THE GODS. /}23 

the nioft miferable of men. In Ihort, Jupiter, 
from the moment you turned your mind to- 
wards women, and opened your doors to thefe 
intruders, they have all followed your example ; 
not only our male, but, which is moft Ihame- 
ful, our female deities alfo. For who has not 
heard of * AnchifeSj Tithonus, Endymion, Ja- 
lion — but I will fay no more ; for accufations 
of this kind would be endlefs. 


I charge you, Momus, do not mention Ga- 
nymede, for I fhall be very angry if you vex 
the boy, by cafting reflections on his family. 

I fhall fay nothing, therefore, about the eagle, 
becaufe he is got up to heaven, appears like a 
god, and fits on the royal fceptre ; it is well, in- 
deed, he does not make his neft upon your 
head : for Ganymede's fake, we Ihall fay no- 
thing of him. But here is Attis, f Corybas, 
and Sabazius ; pray, Jupiter, how come thefe 
amongft us ? or the Median Mithras, with his 
J candys and tiarj, who cannot fo much as talk 

* Anchifes^ fe'r.] Anchifes, we read, had an intrigue 
with Venus, Endymion with Diana, and Jafion with Ceres. 

f Coryhas.'\ The fon of Jafion and Cybele. 

X CanJyj.] A kind of fliort cloak, worn by the god Mi- 
thras in all the reprefentations of him. See Montfaucon's 

E e 4 Greek, 


Greek, nor underfland one if we drink to him. - 

The Getes and Scythians, feeing fuch things 

as thefe, take their farewel of us, and make 

gods of their own, as many as they pleafe; 

jufl in the fame manner as Zamoxlis; who, 

though a common fervant, fome how or other, 

flole in amongft us, without our privity^ or con- 

fent : all this, however, might be tolerable. 

But you Egyptian there, with the dog's face, 

and wrapped up in linen, who are you, and 

how came fuch a "^barker as you to be a god ? 

And what does this Memphian fpotted -J- bull 

mean with altars, his prophets, and his oracles ? 

I am afhamed to add ibis's, apes, goats, and a 

hundrtd, ftill more ridiculous, who have croud- 

bd ill upon us out of j$gypt. How can you 

bear to fee thefe worfhipped and honoured fo 

much rndre than yburfelves ? Or, how can you, 

Jupire'r*'fufirer them to put ram's horns on your 

head ? ' 


What you fay about the Egyptians is true 

fcnough; it is Ihameful and abominable: but 

molt of thefe are only myfterious and hierogly- 

* Barh-r.J The god Anubis, V^'oriTiipped by the Egyp- 
•f BnU.^ For an account of this, fee Brj'ant's Anal. 



phical, and you, who are not of the initiated, 
fliould not laugh at them. 

M O M U S. 

There is no great myftery in finding out 
that gods are gods, and dogs-heads dogs-heads. 

Well ; fay no more about the Egyptians, 
• we Ihall confider of them at our leifure : pro- 
ceed you to the reft. 

M O M U S. 

There is Trophonius, and, which hurts me 
flill more, Amphilochus : that fon of a wicked 
parricide, is perpetually telling lies in Cilicia, 
and prophecying for two oboli. You, Apollo, 
have loil all your reputation ; for now, every 
ftone and every altar is turned prophet, is 
fprinkled with oiJ, covered with garlands, and 
has its own conjuror, of which there is great 
abundance : the ftatue of * Polydamas the 
wrefller, and that of Theagenes, doing the 
fame at Thafus, at this very day is curing fe- 
vers in Olympia; at Troy, they facrifice to 
Hedor ; and in Cherfonefus, to Pjotefilaus. 
Ever iince thefe things have been pradiifed, 
perjury and facrilege are increafed, and I can- 
not fay but, upon the whole, they do right in 
dcfpifing us. 

• Polydamas.'] See Paufanias Eliac. 



So much for the baftards which we have 
adopted ; as to the many ftrange names which 
I hear of, fuch as never exifted, or could gain 
a place amongft us, I only laugh at them. 
What Ihall I fay to your highly-extolledVirtue, 
Nature, Fortune, Fate, and all the empty titles 
coined by philofophers, which, idle as they 
are, have fo wrought upon fimple men, that 
none of them will facrifice to us, well knowing, 
that though they lliould offer up ten thoufand 
hecatombs, the will of Fate, notwithftanding, 
muft be fulfilled, and every thing happen, to 
every man, that was originally decreed for him. 
I fhould be glad to know whether you ever favv 
thefe fame things called Virtue, Nature, and 
Fate ; I am fure you muft have heard enough 
of them in the fchools of the philofophers ; if 
you are not deaf, for they are always haranguing 
2bou^ them. Though I had a great deal more 
to fay, I ihall now have done ; for I fee feveral 
that are very angry, and ready to hifs me, efpe- 
cially amongft thofe whom my freedom of 
fpeech has offended ; wherefore, if you pleafe, 
I will now read the decree that is made con-, 
cerning tbcfe matters. 


Do fo : much of what you have remarked is 



but too true : I muft put a flop to thefe evils, 
left they Ihould increafe and muliiply. 


Succefs attend it. 

The affembly being met, according to law, 
on the feventh day of the month, Jupiter 
l)eing * prytanis, Neptune proedros, Apollo 
epiftates, Momus, fon of Night, the fcribe, 
and Somnus, author, or mover of the edid:, 
it was thus decreed : 

•' WHEREAS feveral ftrangers, not only 
Greeks but Barbarians, by no means worthy of 
being enrolled as fellow-citizens, have, we 
know not how, imagining themfelves to be 
gods, filled heaven in fuch a manner as to 
make our affembly nothing but a colleftion of 
rioters, of every place, nation, and language ; 
infomuch that there is a deficiency of neftar 
and ambrofia, and, inftead of a quart, we have 
not a thimble-full a- piece, fuch is the num- 
ber of guefts, whilft fome of them, thrufting 

* Prytanis f iffc] The bufinefs of the Prytanis was to 
affemble and prefide over the fenate ; of thcfe were fifty, 
ranked into five decurias, each decuria being to govern their 
week, during which time they were calk'.! proedri, the 
prefident of the proedri was called epiftates. See Potter's 
Antiq. vol. ii. p. 97. 



out the old deities, take the firft feats, and, 
againft all rule and order, will be worfhipped 
iipon earth before us : for thefe and other 
caufes, it feemeth good to the fenate and 
people of heaven, that a council fliould be call- 
ed in Olympus, that feven perfedl and com- 
plete gods fhould be chofen arbiters, three of 
them from the old fenate under Saturn, and the 
other four from the twelve, and Jupiter to be 
one of then) : that thefe ihall fit as judges in 
the caufe, having firfl taken the legal oath, and 
fworn by Styx : that Mercury Ihall ad as crier, 
and call together all thofe who claim admittance 
to the rank of gods, who are to bring fworn wit- 
nefles with them, and produce their genealogy ; 
they are then to appear one by one, and the 
judges, examining into their feveral claims, fliall 
either declare them to be gods, or fend them 
back to the fepulchres of their anceftors : and 
if any one of thofe, who are rejected and fct 
afide by the judges, Ihall be caught going up 
to heaven, he fliall be immediately feized, 
and thrown headlong into Tartarus. It is more- 
over decreed, that every deiry fliall mind his 
own bufinefs ; that Minerva Hiall not turn phy- 
fician, nor ^fculapius prophet, neither Ihall 
Apollo do fo many things himfelf, but fix on 
oi:e, and be either a feer, a mufician, or a doc- 
tor : 



tor : that the philofophers fhall be forbidden 
coining new words, and talking idly abouc 
things which they know nothing of: that the 
ftatiies of all thofe pretended gods, who have 
been honoured with temples and facrifices, be 
pulled down, and thofe of Jupiter, Juno, Apol- 
lo, or fome other fet up in their ftead, and that 
the city they belong to, eredt a fcpulchre for 
them, in the room of an altar. If any, on pre- 
tence of not hearing the fummons of the crier, 
Ihali refufe to fubmit to the decifion of the 
arbitrators, they Ihall be confidercd as giving "^ 
up the caufe, and be condemned accordingly." 
Momus, this is a moft excellent and jufl de- 
ciee : let all who think fo, hold up their hands, 
or rather let it fland confirmed, for there are 
many, I know, who will not hold up their 
hands for it. For the prefenr, therefore, I dif- 
mifs you; but, when Mercury Ihall fummon 
you together, let every one appear with his 
proper teflinionials, the name of his father and 
mother, an account whence he came, and haw 
he was made a god, the tribe and ward he 
belongs to; and if he does not exhibit thefe, 
the judges will take no notice of him, tnough 
he may have ever fo large a temple upon earth, 

and men fuppofe him to be a deity. 

T H S 




^he following Dialogue is a fpinted Satire on 
Luxury, put, very properly, into the Mouth of a 
Cynic. Lucian, who, like the Orator in 


Could flill change Sides, and Jlill confute, 
having frequently ridiculed this SclI, feems de- 
Jirous of making fome Atonement, by a laboured 
Defence of their Tenets and Cvjioms, joined to 
many fevere Stri^ures on the Vices and Follies of 
the Jge he lived in : and as Vices and Follies 
are, in every Age, pretty much the fame, his Re- 
jleElions will be found not unapplicable to our own, 

L Y C I N U S. 

WHAT do you mean by wandering about, 
in this manner, with your long hair 
and beard, without fhoes, ftockings, or coat, 
living the life of a beaft ; never cloathing your 
body, like other people, but fhewing your bare 
fkin, and laying on the hard ground, to rake 
up all the dirt upon your filthy old cloak, 

which is not over thin, foft. or beautiful ? 


The cynic 431 


I want no other : what can be eafiefl: pro- 
cured, and give the polieflbr the lead trouble, 
is enough for me. Let me, in my turn, a/k 
you one thing : is not luxury a vice ? 
L y C I N u s. 
Mod undoubtedly. 

And frugality a virtue ? 

L Y C I N U S, 



Why, then, becaufe I wear a worfe garb, 

and eat coarfer food than the reft of the world, 

whilft others live like madmen and fools, do 

you blame me, and not them ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

I blame you not for living worfe than many 
others, but for living fhabbily, in abfolute 
want and mifery : you are as bad as the com- 
mon vagrants, that beg their bread from door 
to door. 


Shall we, fince we are got upon this fubjedt, 
ferioully difcufs the point; what is really 
enough, and what is not? 

L Y C I N U S. 

If you pleafe. 


432 The CYNIC. 


Has not every man enough, then, who has 

fufficient to fupply ail his wants and neceffi- 

ties ? o-r, can you point out any thing elfe ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

No : we will fuppofe it to be fo. 


And, where that is wanting which is ufeful 

and neceflary, is there not a real deiiciency ? 

L Y C I N U S. 



Then do I want nothins;; for I have enoiish 

to fupply all my neceflities. 

L Y C I N U S. 

How is that-? 


Confider the purpofe defigned in any thing 

which we make ufe of; of a houfe, for in- 

llance ; is it not that we may be Sheltered by it ? 

L Y C I N U S. 


Or of a garment ; what is it but to cover us ^ 

L Y C I N U S. 

Arid what do we cover ourfelves for, but that 
we may be the better for it ? 

L Y. 

The cynic. 433 

L Y C I N U S. 
I grant it. 


And what is the matter with my feet .^ 

L Y C I N U S. 
Nothing, that I know of. 

What is the ufe of feet ? 

L Y C I N U S» 

To walk. 


And do mine feem to walk worfe than othei 
people's ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

Perhaps not. 

As to feet, then, I am not worfe off than 
my neighbours. 

L Y C I N U S. 

I do not know that you are. 

C Y N I Co 

And what think you of my body ; is not 
that as good as others } if it was not, it would 
be weak and infirm : the beauty of a body is tu 
be ftrong ; is not mine fo ? 

L Y C I N U S, 

So it appears to be. 


Neither my feet nor my body want any other 
Vol, IV. F f cover- 

434 The CYNIC. 

covering; if they did, they would be out of or- 
der : where there is any real want or defeat, 
things are always the worfe for it ; but my body 
is not at all the worfe for the coarfe food it is 
nourilhed with. 

L Y C I N U S. 

That is pretty vifible. 


And, if it was badly nouriihed and fupport- 
cd, it would not be flrong -, for, by bad and 
improper food all bodies mull be hurt. 

L Y C I N U S. 


C Y K I C. 

Why, then, do you find fault with me, and 
my manner of life, defpifing it as wretched and 
contemptible ? 

L Y C I N U S. 

I blame you, becaufe, when nature, whom 
you pretend to honour, and the beneficent 
gods, have filled this earth with every good 
thing, not only for the ufe and benefit, but for 
the pleafure and happinefs of mankind, that 
we might enjoy the fweet abundance of them ; 
you will tafte none^ or very few of their bleff- 
ings, but drink water like the bealls, devour 
every thing you meet with like the dogs, and 
lie, like them, on flraw, in a cloak fit for a beg- 

p-ar ; 

The cynic. 435 

gar: if you are right in living content with 

thefe, then hath God in vain clothed the 

Iheep with fine wool, or fwelled the vines with 

delicious wir*e ; in vain hath he difpenfed oil, 

honey, and every other precious thing, that we 

might all have good food and drink, foft beds 

to lie on, fine houfes to live in, and every thing 

convenient and delcdlable. Even the works of 

art are the gift of heaven. To live without all 

thefe is miferable, when, like thofe who live 

in bondage, we are deprived of them by ethers ; 

but ftill more wretched is it, when we deny 

them ourfelves ; it is downright madnefs and 



It may be fo ; but let me afk you one 
queftion : if a rich man fliould make a great 
feaft, and moft hofpitably entertain people of 
all ranks, great and fmall, fick and well, with 
every good thing, fhould he, at the fame time, 
help himfelf to all, not only that flood near, 
but that was ever fo far removed from him ? 
ihould he, who was in perfedt health, feize on 
that which was prepared for the fick ; he, who 
had but one flomach to fatisfy, and which 
wanted but a little, and which too much would 
only fpoil and deftroy ; would you call fuch a 
man wife or good ? 

F f 3 I. T- 

436 The CYNIC. 

L Y C I N U S. 

By no means. 

C V N I C. 

Or In his fenfes ? 

L Y C I N U S. * 


C Y N I C. 

And if another^ who had been invited to tins 
feaft, fhou-ld pafs over the variety of dainties on 
•the table^ and take that only difh which chanced 
to be fet before him, and which, alone, was 
fufEcient to fatisfy his appetite, fhould he eat 
this homely mtal in peace, without waiting for 
any thing elfe, w^ould not you look upon this 
as a much wifer and better man than the for- 
mer ? 

L Y C I N U S. 



Need I fay, then 

L Y C I N U S. 
What ? 


That God is like the matter of this feaft, 
who places before us all an infinite variety of 
good things, that every one may take what is 
fit and convenient for him ; fome are proper 
for the well, and fome for the fick ; fome for 
the .weak, and fome for the Urong; it was ne- 

The cynic. 437 

ver defigned that all fhould feize on all, but 
that every one Ihould take what is next to him, 
and what he moft (lands in need of: but you, 
in the infatlable rage of intemperance, like that 
guefl who was for fnatching all, not content 
with what lays before you, are perpetually wan- 
dering in fearch of dainties : your own land 
and fea cannot fuffice, but you muft purchafe 
pleafures from every corner of the earth ; al- 
ways preferring what comes from abroad to 
what you have at home, what Is dear to what 
is cheap, and every thing that is gained with 
difficulty to what may be acquired with eafe : 
you fuffer a thoufand evils and miferies rather 
than go without what you thirfl after ; for ma- 
ny of the luxuries you enjoy coft you dear. 
Think on your gold and filver, your fumptu- 
ous palaces, your fine garments, the work and 
toil of induftry ; what labour, and what dan- 
gers are they purchafed at the expence of? 
oftentimes by death, blood, and (laughter. 
How many pcrilh in the fearch of them ? 
Battles are fought, friends betray friends, chil- 
dren their parents, and wives their hufbands, 
on account of them. * Eriphyle facrificed 

her's, we know, for gold. 


* Erlphyk.l This lady was the wife of Ampbiaraus, a 
F f 3 famous 

458 The CYNIC. 

And yet, neither do painted garments bettct 
warm our bodies, nor high-vaulted roofs better 
cover us ; gold or filver cups cannot mend the 
draught, nor ivory beds produce a fweeter 
fleep : fo far from ir, that often on the 
pompous couch there is but little reft ; and the 
dear-bought meal, inftead of nourifhing, but 
corrupts the body, and brings on difeafes and 
diftemperature. Need I mention the variety of 
miferies which love makes men inflid on 
others, and on themfelves alfo ? the paflion 
might eafily be fatisfied, but that you want to 
refine upon it ; and, as if its own madnefs and 
folly were not fufficient, too often do men per- 
vert the ufe of things, and adt in oppofition 
both to nature and reafon, making ufe of * * * 
beds inftead of carriages, 

L Y C I N U S. 

Who are they ? 

famous prophet, fon of Apollo and Hypeimnacftra : he had 
promifed Adraftus, his wife's brother and king of Argos, 
to afliit him in the Theban war j but having difcovered, 
by his art, that if he went he fhould be knocked on the 
head, very prudently hid himfelf: but Eriphyle, who pro- 
bably had no objedion to living a rich widow, difcovered 
the fecret, and he was dragged to battle, where he perifh- 
ed ; not without firlt having returned the compliment, and 
left word with a friepd, in cafe of his death, to difpatch his 

wife immediately<, 


The cynic. 439 


Many of thofe who treat their flaves like 
their cattle, and ride in -j- litters on their flioul- 
ders ; there you lie at your eafe, driving men 
like fo many affes, and this you call felicity. 
Then there are others, who, not content with 
taking flefh for food, ufe it for certain tinc- 
tures ; as thofe that make J purple; do not 
thefe alfo ad: againft nature, and apply her 
works to what they were never defigned for ? 
L Y C I N U S. 

True ; the purple-fifli is fit to dye as well as 

to eat. 


But was never intended for both. A man 

may make ufe of a pot to drink out of inftead 

of a cup, though it was certainly never made 

for that purpofe. It is impoffible, in fhort, 

to relate all the folly and mifery of thefe 

people; and yet, becaufe I will not fide with 

them, you find fault with me : in the mean 

time, 1 live in an humble ftate, eat whatever 

happens to come before me, and wear what I 

can get cheapeft, without ever wilhing to taftc 

■f Litters.l A piece of oriental luxury, pra6tifed even to 
this day. Both the Indian and Engiifli nabobs abroad, it \% 
well known, feldom ride in any other manner. 

% Purple.'] The ancient purple dye was drawn from the 
murex, or, (hell-filh, 

Ff4 of 

440 The CYNIC. 

of their dainties ; and becaufe both my delires 
and my wants are moderate, you fay I live like 
a beafi. According to your way of reafoning, 
the gods themfelves are worfe than beafts ; for 
they want nothing : but, that you may judge 
which is moft eligible, to ftand in need of many 
things, or of a few only, remember, that chil- 
dren want more than adults, women more than 
men, and the fick more than thofe in health ; 
the inferior has always more neceffities to fup- 
p]y than the fuperior. The gods have no wants, 
and thofe who approach neareft to them, but 
very fev/. Do you imagine that Hercules, that 
noble hero, who is defcrvedly honoured and 
revered as a god, was forced by neceffity to 
wander about naked, or only Vv'ith a fkin to 
cover him, or that he wifhed for any of thofe 
things which you indulge yourfelves in ? He 
could not himfelf be wretched who freed others 
from mifery ; or poor, who commanded earth 
and fea : wherever his valour led him, he was 
fure to conquer, and met with none fuperior, 
fione ec^ual to himfelf. Do you think he thus 
wandered about the world becaufe he wanted 
fhoes and cloaths ? you cannot fuppofe it. But 
he was temperate, patient, and long-fuffer- 
ing ; he wifhed to conquer, and would not 
therefore be unnerved by luxury. 

The cynic. 441 

• Was not his follower, Thefeus, the king of 
all the Athenians, and fon of Neptune, one 
of the braveft of men ? and yet he alfo went 
naked and barefoot, and wore a long beard : 
and this cuftom was obferved, not by him 
only, but by all our anceftors, who were better 
men than you. They were never Ihaved any 
more than lions. They, no doubt, thought 
a foft or fmooth fkin became women only ; 
but, as they were men, they wifhed to appear 
as fuch. They looked upon the beard as an 
ornament to man, as the mane to horfes, and 
a be;ard to lions^ and which God beflowed on 
thofe creatures as a beauty and perfe(ftion. The 
ancients, therefore, I admire and imitate : and 
as to thofe of the prefcnt age, I envy them not 
the happinefs of fine cloaths and tables, nor the 
pleafure of Ihaving and fmoothing every part of 
their bodies, leaving nothing as nature had 
made it. 

For my own part, I hope my feet may be 
like hoKes hoofs, as they fay Chiron's were ; 
that I Ihall never want a bed on the ground 
Ijke the lions ; nor do I defire better food 
than the dogs. May the earth flill be my 
couch ; the whole world my houfe ; and may 
J always eat what can mod eafily be procured 


442 The CYNIC. 

for me ! Never may I, or any of my fricndSj^ 
want gold or filver ! from a thirft after them, 
proceed war, flaughter, fedition, treafon, and 
^every evil thing : from this fountain they all 
flow. Far from me be the defire of having more 
than I ought to have ! may I always be con- 
tented with lefs ! 

I have given you my opinion, which is very 
unlike that of the multitude ; and as I differ 
from them in dodtrine, it is no wonder I Ihould 
differ from them in my appearance alfo. I am 
furprifed, therefore, when you fee fidlers and 
flute-players, and a<5lors, chufe their own habits, 
that you will not fuffer an honefl man to chufe 
his, but expeft he muft wear fuch a one as that 
multitude does, whom he defpifes. And why 
may he not put on that which becomes him 
beft, and which the great and luxurious moft ab- 
hor? Now, my tafte is to be rough and dirty ; to 
wear a ragged coat, and long hair, and go with- 
out fhoes ; whilfl you drefs like fo many * 
fribbles, have as many garments, as fine Ihoes, 
are as much fcented, and take as much pains 
with your hair ; you are juft as unfit to bear any 
exercife or labour : eat like them, and walk 

* Fribiks.'] Gr. K(ta»^«f, cinaedorum, pathics. I have 
taken tHe liberty to change the idea, for a rcafon which I 
have frequently had occafion to mention. 


The cynic. 443 

like them, or rather indeed you do not walk 
at all, but are carried like burthens, fometimes 
by men, and Ibmetimes by horfes. Now my 
feet can bear me wherever I choofe to go. I 
can bear heat and cold, and am not angry with 
the works of nature whenever I chance to be 
out of humour; whilft you are not contented 
with any thing you poffefs, but find fault with 
all : the prefent you cannot bear, and the ab- 
fent you are always fighing for ; in winter you 
wifli for fummer, and in fummer for winter; 
when it is hot, you cry out for cold, and when 
it is cold you want heat, never fatisfied with 
your condition, but like fick men, naufeating 
every thing that is fet before you : their dif- 
order is fufficient caufe, but your difcontent is 
nothing but peevifhnefs and ill humour : and 
yet you want me to retraft my opinions ; to de- 
liberate and confider well the propriety of my 
condu(fl:, though at the fame time you have no 
coniideration yourfelves, never ad: according to 
reafon and judgment, but merely from fafhion 
and caprice. You are like men borne away by 
a torrent ; as they rufh on wherever the tide 
carries them, fo do you, wherever your paf- 
fions lead you : it happens to you as to * one 

* To one fe'r.] From this llory might probably arife the 
common faying, that "every man has his hobby-horfe," of 
which much ufe has been made by many a facetious writer. 


,.44 The C Y N I C. 

who mounted a vicious and unruly horfe, who 
ran away with him ; when he was afked by a 
friend who met him on the road, whither he 
was going in fuch a hurry, his anfwer was, 
wherever he (pointing to his horfe) thinks pro- 
per : and you, in like manner, if anyone Ihould 
aik you where you are going, if you anfwer 
candidly, muft fay, wherever our defires lead 
us. Some may fay, where pleafure ; fome, 
where glory ; feme, where avarice (hall dired:. 
Sometimes anger, fometimes fear, and fome- 
times other paffions carry you away with 
them ; for you mount and are run away with, 
not by one, but by many horfes, all of them 
vicious and unruly, who throw you into ditches, 
and down precipices ; nor before the thing is 
done, do you know at all what you are going 
to do. In the mean time, this tattered gar- 
ment, and long hair, which you hold in fuch 
derifion ; this manner of life v/hich you dci- 
pife, enables me to fpend my time in eafe and 
happinefs ; to do what I pleafe, and converfe 
ivith thofe whom 1 like beft. My appearance 
keeps at a diilance from me the fooiifh and il- 
literate : the delicate and refined are fure to 
fiiun me, whilil the good-natured, the juft, 
arid virtuous, crowd around me : thefe I receive 



The cynic. 445 

with joy, for thefe I love to affociate with : the 
doors of thofe whom you call men, I never en- 
ter ; golden crowns and purple I look upon as 
empty fmoke, and defpife the owners of them. 
With regard to my habit and appearance, 
which you laugh at, I would have you know, 
it is becoming, not only the beft of men, but 
even the gods alfo : obferve their flatues, which 
do they refemble moft, me or you ? look into 
the temples both of Greeks and Barbarians, and 
mark whether the gods have long beards and 
hair like me, or are Ihaved and painted like 
yourfelves. You will find moft of them without 
•f- waiftcoats as I am. How dare you, there- 
fore, fpeak of my habit as contemptible, when 
you fee the gods themfelves wear it, as the moft 
decent and becoming ? 

t WaiJIcoats.l Gr.axiruva,<;, the under-habit or waiftcoat, 
both of men and women, amongft the Grecians, was called 


P H I L O P A T R I S, 

A D I A I. O G U E. 

Various are the Opinions of Critics and Annotators 
concerning this Treat if e ; fcarce any of them will 
allow it to be Lucian*j ; fame affert that it zvas 
written long before bis 'Time, and others afcribe 

• it to an Author who lived many Tears after him» 
Ihe learned Gesner has given us an elaborate 
Differtation in Latin on the Subject, which the 
Reader may find at, the End of the third Volume 
of the quarto Edition by Hemsterhucius, 
wherein this very momentous Affair is treated at 
large, and with much difplay of pompous Erndi- 
fwn. Gesner feems himfelf pe^fmdcd that it 
is the Production of Lucian'j Namefake, zvho 
lived under, and correfponded with the Emperor 

Nott nojlrum efl tantas componere lites ; 

JfJjallonly, therefore, obferve, that, whoever was 
the Author, it is well written, and, confequently, 
worthy of a Place in this %'anjlation^ 

T R I E P H O N. 

FOR heaven's fake, Critias, what Is the 
matter? You feem quite altered, walk- 
ing to and fro in deep meditation, with a 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 447 

four contracted brow, and, as the * poet fays, 

full of care, 

and Pale with wild affright. 

Have you feen Cerberus, or Hecate riling from 
the fhades ? Which of the gods have you been 
in confultation with ? You could not have been 
more affecfted if you had heard, another deluge, 
like that of Deucalion, was coming to drown 
the whole world : to you, my dear Critias, I 
am fpeaking, but you hear me nor, though I 
am clofe to you : have I affronted you ? or are 
you dumb ? will you anfwer me, or muft I 
give you a good thump firlt ? 

O Triephon, I have been hearing fuch a lec- 
ture, fuch an obfcure unintelfigible heap of jar- 
gop, that I am refolved to Ihut my ears for 
the future, left, if I am ever troubled thus 
again, 1 ihould ftiffen into a ftatue, like Niobe, 
and make a fable for the poets ; if you had 
not come acrofs me, I ihould have tumbled 
down fome precipice, or jumped into the fea, 
like -j- Cleombrotus. 

T R I E- 

* Poet.] Homer. See Iliad, book iii. J. 35. 

f Cleombrotus.] A celebrated philofopher, and difciple 
of Plato, who, after having read that noble writer's Trea- 
nfc on the Immortality of th& Soiil, faid, as our Cato did, 

' Plato, 

44-8 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

T R I E P H O N» 
It nnifl have been fomething very flrange 
and ^ nderfulj indeed, that could thus afionilh 
Critias ; he who could look upon all that the 
-f- ranting poets and myilerious philofophers 
have faid, but as fo many idle tales. 
C R I T I A S. 
Be quiet a little, Triephon, I befeech you, 
and do not trouble me ; you know well enoughs 
I have a great regard for you. 

I know there is fomething upon your mind 
ferious and important; I am fure it is no little 
matter; the colour and feverity of your coun- 
tenance, the fhifting of your gait, and turning 
backwards and forwards, are but too plain 
tokens of it ; but breathe a little, and out with 
it, that you may get no harm. 

C R I T I A S. 
Let me advife you, friend Triephon, get a 
furlong or two from me, left you be blown up 
into the air, and falling down, like J Icarus, 


Plato, thou reafon'll well, 

and immediately threw himfelf from a high rock into the 

-f Ranting.'] Gr. tiAS^onviTot. See Tiir.on, 1. i. 

I Icarus.] The ftory of Icarus giving a name to the Ica- 
rian fea is too well known to need a note of explanation. 


P H I I. O P A T R I S. 449 

give the name to a Triephontian fea ; for thefe 
holy Sophifts, you muft know, have puffed 
and fvvelled up this belly of mine moft won- 

T R I E P H O N. 

O I will retire as far as you pleafe : fo out 

with it. 

C R 1 T I A S. 

t Pugh ! puh, puh ! trifles : hem ! hem ! 
wicked deiires : puh, puh ! vain hopes ! 
T R I E P H O N. 

Good gods ! what a blaft was that ! how it 
has moved the clouds ! Zephyrus breathed be- 
fore on the Propontis, and now you have raifed 
up Boreas with your breath, and fo ruffled the 
waves, that the * Ihips muft be dragged by 
ropes into the Euxine. What a fwelling muft 

Lucian makes the fame kind of allufion as this hi another 
place. See Icaro-Menlppus. This is a pretty ib'ong col- 
lateral proof that the Philopatris was written by Lucian; 
as an imitator of his ftyle would hardly have ventured, fo 
openly, to fleal from the man whom he endeavoured to re- 

t Pugh^ piihy fei'c.] Mennt to exprefs the hawking, or 
coughing up fomething that ftuck in his ftomach. One of 
the learned commentators fays, this is unworthy of Lucian, 
and declares that the Philopatris, therefore, cannot poffibly 
be his. I can fee nothing, 1 mult own, fo very abfurd in it. 

* Thejhips.'\ i. e. The fiiips in the Propontis, the tra(5t 
of fea, lying between the Hellefpont to the fouth, and the 
Bofphorus Thracius to the north, into which the Euxine 
fees with a very ftrong current. 

' Vol, IV, G g there 

450 P H I L D P A T R I S, 

there be in your inteftines ! you miift have been 
all ear, and taken it in moft miraculouflv, even 
•to your -f finger's ends. 

C R I T I A S. 

And no fuch great wonder neither; we have 
heard, you know, of a ^ thigh ufed for a womb, 
a § head that brought forth, {{ males changed 
to females, and 4- women turned into birds : 
if you will believe the poets, there are nothing 
but miracles in this life : but, before I explain 
matters to \^ou, let us retire to yonder fliade, 
.where the plane-trees will ihield us from the 
fun, the fwallo'vvs and nightingales fill the air 
with their fweet fongs, and the gentle mur- 
murs of the water may footh and quiet the 

■f- Finger* s caJs.^ Gr. t^otv^u* afir,Koe)ai^ unguibus etiam 
andifle, to hear with your fingers, didlus, fays Tabernus, 
de homine qui totus auris perinde ac Argus oculus, fpoken 
of a man who is all ear, as Argus was all eye. — I Ihould 
wifli, fays Lucian in another place, fpeaking of Venus, to 
fee her, like an Argus, with my whole body, o7m ru 
crii>i/^ri> See his Judgment of Paris. 

j T/jig/j.'} Alluding u> the ftory of Bacchus coming out 
of Jupiter's thigh. 

§ J IsaJ.] Minerva; {prung, we read, from the brain 
of Jupiter. 

]l Maki changed^ l^c.'\ See the ftories of Salmacis, Cas- 
fteus, &:c. as told by Ovid and others. 

■J- If^ome/if bV.] Philoniela, Prague, Nycftimena, &c. 

T R I. 


T R I E P H O N. 

AVith all my heart : but what you have heard, 
iiiay, perhaps, be fonie magic incantation, and, 
for aught I know, 1 may be turned into a peftle 
or the bar of a door. 

C R I T I A S. 

No fuch thing : I fwear to you by ethereal 


T R I E P H O N. 

Your fwearing by Jove frightens me fllU 
worfe ; if you break your oath, what punilh- 
ment can he inflidt upon you ? You know well 
enough how Jupiter's affairs Hand at prefent. 

C R I T I A S. 
Sayeft thou fo ? And can he fend no body 
to Tartarus ? Do not you remember, my friend, 
how he * threw down all the gods from heaven, 
how he killed f Salmoneus with his thunder- 

* Threw ^(ntJn.l See Homer's Iliad, book i, L 591, 
f Salmoneus.] Brother of Sifyphus, and fon of ,^olus, 
having conquered all Elis — But Dryden will tell you the 
ftory better than I can, — as his tranflation of this paffagc; 
irom Virgil is remarkably line, 

Salmoneus, fufF'ring cruel pains I found. 
For emulating Jove, the rattling found 
Of mimic thunder, and the glitt'ring blaze 
Of pointed lightnings, and their forky rays ; 
Thro' Elis, and the Grecian towns he flew, 
Th* audacious wretch four riery courfers drew, 

■ G g 2 He 

452 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

bolt, and to this day, if any rebels againfl him, 
does the fame ? Is not he called the Titan- 
flayer, and the giant-killer, by old Homer ? 
T R I E P H O N. 
But hear me, good Critias : did not this 
fame Jupiter transform himfelf into a fwan, and 
a fatyr, to gratify his luft, and, moreover, into 
a bull alfo, and, if he had not taken his mif- 
trefs on his back, and ran off to fea, fome 
countryman, perhaps, might have laid hold 
on him, and this maker of thunder and light- 
ning had been fent to the plough, goaded and 
whipped. Was it not fnameful for an old 
deity, with a long beard, to go a-feafting to 
J ^Ethiopia, amongft men with black faces, for 
twelve days together, eating and roping ? The 
affair of the § eagle and mount Ida, and his 

He wav'd a torch aloft, and madly vain, 
Sought godly vvotlhip trom a fervile train. 
Ambitious tool, with horny hoofs to pafs 
O'er hollow arches of refounding brafs, 
To rival thunder, in its rapid courfe. 
And imitate inimitable force. 

See Dryden's Virgil, book vi. 1. 788. 

i JLtk'inpia.l See Homer's Iliad, book i. 1. 485. This 
jaunt of Jupiter's to Ethiopia feems to have given Lucian 
more oft'ence than any of the ridiculous or cruel adions 
attributed to him, as he is perpetually alluding to it. 

§ The eaglcl Alluding to Jupiter's affair with Gany- 


P H I L O P A T II I S. 453 

being II impregnated ail over his body, I blulh 

to mention. 

C R I T I A S. 

-vj-. What fay you then to fwearing by Apollo, 

the prince of prophets and phyficians ? 

T R I E P H O N. 

What ! that lying foothfayer, who deceived 
* Crcefus and the Salaminians, and a hundred 
more, with his ambiguous prophecies ? 

C R I T 1 A S. 
Shall I fvvear by Neptune, then ; he who 
holds the three-forked fcepter, whofe voice Is 
terrible in war, who cries out as loud as -\- nine 
or ten thoufand men, he who is called the earth- 
fliaker ? 

li l!.'iprrgnatt\L'\ Thigh, head, &c. as before mentioned. 

-}- U hat fay ynu.\ Lucian here runs through ahnoft the 
whole corps of pagan deities, and treats them all with the 
fame degree ot ridicule and contempt. Gefner, notvvith- 
flanding, tells us, that it was not our Lucian who wrote the 
Philopatris, but his name-fake, who did it purpofely to 
laugh at Chrillianity, in compliment to Julian the Apellate. 
I would beg, however, to fuggell, that it is, to the lalt de- 
gree, improbable, that any writer fhould think of paying 
his court to fuch an emperor as Julian, by ridiculing that 
heathen mythology, and laughing, as he here does, at that 
religion, which his malier fo zealoufly endeavoured to re- 

* Crafus^^ This Lucian has already taken notice of in 
two or three places. See Jupiter the Tragedian. 

t 'Nine or ten, fe'c] See Hem. II, E. 1. £69. and a. 148. 
G g 3 T R I- 


T R I E P H O N. 

Whatj that lewd deity, who debauched | Sal- 
moneus's daughter, who is always committing 
adultery himfelf, and therefore patronizes and 
protc(fts all thofe who follow his example ? 
When Mars was caught in the net with Venus, 
and could not get our, whilft the reft of the 
gods were afhamed to intercede for him, this 
great equeftrian, crying like a child afraid of 
his m.after, or an old woman who wants to de- 
coy a young girl, moft grievoufly lamented his 
fate, and § prelTed Vulcan to forgive him, in- 
fomuch that the lame god, at laft, to pleafe the 
old deity, let him go. 

C R I T I A S. 

Suppofe, I fwear by Mercury. 


Hang that libidinous pimp of Jupiter, who 
is himfelf as levvd and wicked as his mafter^ 
C R I T I A S. 

I know, by what you faid before of Mars and 

i Daughter^ ^V.] See, in Lucian's r)iaIogues of the 
Gods, Neptune and Enipeus. 
§ Prejfed Vulcan.'] 

Neptune laughs aloud, 
Yet fues importunate to loofe the god ; 
Afid free, he cries, O Vulcan, free from fhame 
Thy captives ; I enfure the penal claim. 

See Pope's Homer's Odyfley, b. viii. 1. 381. 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 455 

Venus, you will never admit them : ^ve will 
pafs them over, therefore, and proceed to Mi- 
nerva, the armed virgin, the terrible goddefs, 
who wears the Gorgon's head upon her breafl ; 
ihe who ilew the giants : you have nothing, I 
hope, to fay againll her ? , 

T R I E P H O N. 

Perhaps I may, if you will attend to me, 

C R I T i A S. 
Say on. 

T R I E P H O N. 

Tell me, then, what ufe is the Gorgon of,^ 
and why does Minerva wear it at her breall ? 

C R I T I A S. 

To look terrible, and, at the fame time, a? 
a defence againft every evil : with this ihe 
frightens her enemies, and turns the vi^^ory 
to which ever fide Ihe pleafes. 

T R I E P H O N. 
And is it this which makes her invincible ? 

C R I T I A S. 

T R I' E P H O N. 
Why, therefore, do not we offer up our 
bulls and goats rather to that which defends., 
than that which is defended, if we wilh to be 
as invincible as Minerva ? 

G g 4 C R I-^ 

456 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

C R I T I A S. 

The Gorgon has not a power of aiding and 
affifting at all diftances, as the gods have ; but 
if one of them wears it, and then only, it is 
of fervice. 

T R I E P H O N. 

And what was this Gorgon ? I fliould be 

glad to learn that from you, who are fkilled 

in things of this kind : for my own part, I am 

a ftranger to every thing about it, but the name. 

C R I T I A S. 

She was a fair and moft beautiful virgin ; 
and Perfeus, a valiant hero, and Ikilled in the 
magic art, fubdued her by his incantations, 
and cut off her head ; ever fince which Ihe hath 
been ufed as a charm by the gods. 

T R I E P H O N. 

It is unaccountable to me, how the gods 
can (land in need of the afliftance of mortals ; 
but, when Ihe was alive, was fhe really a vir- 
gin, or did fhe only pafs for one ? 
C R I T I A S. 

By the '* unknown god of Athens, I fwear, 

• The unkno^ivn.'] The Athenians, not content with wor- 
fliipping an infinite number of local and tutelary deities, 
ereded an altar, and dedicated it, to> ocyvoTu 0£w, to the 
Unknown God ; a kind of tacit acknowledgment, that they 
were diffatisfied with all their deities, and had fome imper- 
itdi notion of a true God, far fuperior to them. 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 457 

Triephon, Ihe remained a virgin till her head 
was cut off. 

f If any body can cut off a virgin's head, 
it will immediately become a wonderful thing 
to frighten the multitude with : if I had known 
this before, I could have brought you a fine 
quantity of Gorgons from J Crete, where ten 
thoufand virgins were cut to pieces : what an 
unconquerable general might 1 have made you 
with thefe ! the poets and orators would have 
celebrated me as a much greater hero than Per- 
feus. But now I mention the Cretans, I re- 
member their fhewing me the fepulchre of 
your Jupiter, with the groves and meadows 

jf Jf any hody ] Arch and fenf»ble : from this, and many 
other paiTages, it appears to me, in fpite of Gefner, and all 
the learned commentators, that the Philopatris, if not writ- " 
ten by Lucian, is a very clofe and happy imitation of his 
ilyle and manner. 

X From C)ctc.'\ The critics are much puzzled about this 
flory, of which hiftory gives no fatisfa(!?tory account. Some 
refer it to a tale of Urfula, from Britain, with her eleven 
thoufand virgins, cut in pieces by the Hunns. This makes 
the ftory, and confequently the author of Philopatris, very 
modern indeed. Others tell us, it alludes to a number of 
challe virgins, facrificed in the time of the emperor Julian. 
, After all, it is, probably, nothing but a lye of the K§^7tf 
«i> 4'Ei'S"ot, the lying Cretans, current about that period, 
and laid hold on by the author, whoever he was, as ap. 
plicable to his fubjcdt, 


'^^ P H I L O P A T R .2 S. 

where his mother brought him up, and 
which, they fay, are clothed in perpetual ver- 

C R I T I A S. 

But you know nothing of orgies and incan- 

T R I E P H O N. 

If incantations could do this, they might 
jaife the dead alfo to light and life : but thefc 
are all idle fables of the poets; therefore, fay 
BO more of them. 

C R I T I A S. 
You will not refufe to accept of Juno, I hope^ 
the lifter and wife of Jove. 

T R I E P H O N. 
Let us hear no more, I befeech yon, of rhat 
inceftuous deity ; but leave her, tied hand and 
foot, as Jupiter did. 

C R I T I A S. 
Whom, then, after all, would you have me 

fwear by ? 

T R I E P H O N. 

* By the fupreme God, the great, the im- 
mortal, the cocleftial, the Son of the Father, 

'* By the fe'r.] Gv. v-^iixt^ovTcx. Siov, /^t^a^c, afx^foTov, epctviuvac^ 
a parody of Homer, ludicroully applied : quo Luciani per- 
ibnam (fays Solanus the commentator^ melius agere vide- 
retur parodias etiam in rebus gravillimis nebulo inferendas 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 459 

4he Spirit proceeding from the Father, -f one 

from three, and three from one : 

+ This call thou Jove, this as thy God adore. 

C R I T I A S. 

This is an arithmetical oath ; you number 

like ^ Nicomachus ; I do not know what you 

mean by your three one, and one three ; are 

you talking about Pythagoras's || four, his 

eight, or his thirty ! 
"" T R I- 

•f One fro?n fe'r.] Gr. '£v eh t$jw»» aaX el hoc, Tftx. Lu- 
cian, or whoever was the author of the Philopatris, is 
here fuppoled to allude to, and to ridicule the Chriftian doc- 
trine ot the Trinity. The manner of exprelling it differs, 
we may obferve, from the famous verfe of St. John, about 
which fo many pages have been written, and which this 
paflage is faid to allude to. 

TfEJ5 £K7ii' Jt /Aaprtfyi'TE? IV Tjj yv, to 'Trnvf^ac. y.a% to iiouf^ xat 
TO fc-Vo. xa» ot Tf6K £'? TO it eto-t. See Eplft. of St. John, ch. 
V. ver. 7. It proves, however, that the dodrlne of the 
Trinity was generally received about that period, and con- 
iidered as a diflinguiflnng part of the Chriftian creed, it 
would not otherwife have been taken notice of by our au- 
thor. See Jup. Tragadus, cap. 41. 

X This call thou, Cfc] A fragment from Euripides. 

§ Nicomachus. "^ A celebrated writer on arithmetic. See 
Fabricius, Bibl. Gr. 421. 

II Fou7\ l^c."] Alluding to the celebrated tetrachtys of 
Pythagoras. The judicative powers in all things, lays he, 
are four, mind, fcience, opinion, and fenfe ; for which 
reafon (a ftrange one to be fure), Pythagoras held that the 
foul of man was a tetrad. Every thing depends on the te- 
trachtys, as its root and principle, the word tetrachtys, 
therefore, was ufed by this philofopher and his dil'ciples as 

a great 

.460 P H 1 L O ? A T R I S. 

T R I E P H O N. " 

Away with earthly things, and talk no more 
about them : we are not 4- meafuring fleas, I 
aflure you : I (hall teach you who was before 
all things, what the univerfe is, and what the 
fyftem of it ; I have learned, and fhall com- 
municate to you : though I formerly knew no 
more than yourfelf : but I have lit on a Gali- 
lean, with a bald pate, and long nofe, who 
travelled through the air, and got up into the 
% third heaven, where he learned the moft won- 

a great oath ; his fcholars Avore, not by Pythagoras, bet 
by the great perfon who communicated to them the tetracb- 
tys. For a farther account of this, fee Stanley's Hiftory 
of Philofophy, art. Pythagoras. 

-ji Mea/uring.] Alluding to that paflage in Ariflophanes's 
comedy of the Clouds, where Socrates is introduced and 
ridiculed, as computing the different fpaces which a flea 
paffes over in walking, leaping, S<.'c. 

^ Third heaven.'\ This, it is very confidently aflerted, 
mt,ift glance at the apoille St. Paul, and that what follows, 
relative to being faved by water, &:c. nianifeilly alludes to 
our Saviour. The whole, however, in this dialogue, of 
what is fuppofed by the critics to refled on the Chriftian reli- 
gion, and its rites and ceremonies, is, in my opinion, fo 
obfcure and impcriecl, that no true judgment can be formed 
concerning it. The author, whoever he was, feems only 
to have collected a few fcattered reports about a new reli- 
gion, probably the Chriftian, the nature and merit of which 
be was i^ery little acquainted with. The flight and con- 
temptuous manner in which he treats it, is not, therefore, 
at all to be wondered at, nor fliould it, 1 think, be attri- 


derful things : he hath faved us by water, ajwi 

raifed us up from the feats of the wicked. If 

you will liften to me, 1 will make you in truth 

a man. 

C R I T I A S. 

Proceed, moft learned Triephon, for already 
aftonifhment hath feized on me. 


Have you ever read the comedy of Arifto- 

phanes, called the * Birds ? 

C R I T I A S. 
I have. 


There you will find thefe words, " At firft 

there was nought but Chaos, and dark night, 

and Erebus, and Tartarus; nor as yet was 

earth, air, or heaven." 

C R I T I A S. 

Very good : proceed. 


" Then came light, incorruptible, unfeen, 

incomprehenfible, which difpelled the darknefs, 

buted to any fettled defign, as many have eiideavoured to 
make us believe, of decrying or abufing it. 

Lucian, who, I am rather inclined to <hink, wrote the 
Philopatris, has frequently been condemned, 1 know not 
why, as a bitter enemy to the Chriftian religion, though he 
has faid, atter all, very little about it, being a matter which 
it is apparent he knew nothing of. I wifh no more harm 
head been done to it by fome of its friends. 

* 7he llrds.'l See the OptSij of Ariftophancs, 1. 696. 


462 P H I L O P A T R 1 S* 

and confufion with a word, as the f flow* 
tongued prophet exprefleth it ; he placed the 
earth upon the waters, fpread out the heavens^ 
formed thofe flars whom you worfhip as gods, 
and pointed out their courfe; adorned the earth 
with flowers, and created men, which before 
were not created : to this day he looks down 
from heaven, marks the juft and unjuft, writes^ 
down their anions in a book, and, at his ap- 
pointed time, will diftribute jufliice to all.'* 
C R I T I A S. 
Has he defcribed alfo what the Parcje deal 
forth to mankind ? 

T R I E P H O N. 

What do you mean ? 

C R I T I A S. 
I (peak of fate. 

T R I E P H O N. 
Concerning that, my good Critias, I mufl 
beg you to inform me : fpeak, and I will at- 

•f Slovij-tongTted.'] Gr. o ^^oo^vy'hucraoi;, fuppofed to mean 
Mofes, who, in the tbiirrh chapter of Exodus, ver, \q, 
calls himlelf ?Tt^^ *1DD. or I am not eloquent, but flow 
of fpeech, and of a flow tongue : this account of the crea- 
tion, though it refembles the Scripture hiuory, is not, 
we may obferve, in the \vord3 of Mofes, but merely a 
traditional relation, :givep, probably, to our author, by. 
fome one v/ho had read or heard the Mofaic account. 

C R I- 


C R r T I A s* 

Does not the famous poet Homer fay, 

* Fix'd is the term to all the race of earth, 
No force can e'er reiift, no flight can fave. 

Of -f- Hercules, alfo, he fpeaks thus : 

The great Alcides, Jove's unequall'd fon, 
To Juno's hate at length refign'd his breath. 
And funk the vidlim ot all-conqu'ring death. 

Our i whole life, he tells us in another place, 
is ruled and dired:ed by fate alone, 

let him fall, as fetes defign, 

That fpun fo fliort his life's Illuftrious line. 

How long we are to remain in a foreign land, 
is fettled by Fate alfo, as we learn from § thefc 


— he Ikils 
From friendly ^olus, with profp'rous gales, 
Yet Fate withftands ■ " ■ 

Every thing, in fhort, the poets tedify, is de/- 
termined by the Parc^. || Jupiter himfelf can- 

■ extend the narrow fpan, 

But can * only 

Lament his fon, by great Patroclus llain. 

* FU-'d&c] See Pope's Homer's Iliad, -book vi. I. 6*1. 
f Herctdcs.'\ Iliad, r. 117, 

t Whole lifc.-\ See Iliad, ti>. 128. 

§ Thefe 'WGrdsJ\ See Odyifey, T. 314, 

tl Jupiter,'] See Odyffey, O, 314, 

* O^ilj.-] See Iliad, n.' 



You can fay nothing, therefore, concerning 
them, even though you could be fnatched up 
to heaven with your new mailer, and initiated 
into his myfteries. 

T R I E P H O N. 
But how happens it that the fame poet men- 
tions a doubtful fate, and tells us, that if a man 
does fuch a thing it fhall be attended with fuch 
and fuch confequences ? and if he does the con- 
trary, with fomething very different from it, as 
with regard to f Achilles, who fays of himfelf. 

My fates long fince by Thetis were difclos'd, 
And each, alternate, life or fame propos'd ; 
Here, if I ftay, before the Trojan town. 
Short is my date, but deathlefs my renown ; 
If I return, I quit immortal praife. 
For years on years, and long-extended days. 

Then again, as to J Euchanor, 

Oft had the father told his early doom, 
By arms abroad, or flow difeafe at home. 

Is not all this in Homer ? Can any thing be 
more ambiguous, or carry with it a flronger 
appearance of deceit ? And here we niay add 
the fpeech of Jupiter himfelf: does not he tell 
iEgifthus himfelf, that if he abftained from 
adultery, and the murther of Agamemnon, the 

f A-hilhs.'] See Iliad, n. 442, Iliad, I. 410. 
^ Euchanor.l See H. N. 665. 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 465 

Fates had decreed him a long life ; but that if 
he committed thofe crimes, he Hiould die fud- 
denly ? I have often prophefied, myfelf, in this 
manner, it" you kill any body, you muft ex- 
pert that Nemefis will overtake you ; but if 
you do not, you Ihall live : 

§ Nor flialtthou foon the deftin'd period find. 

Do not you plainly fee by all this, how am- 
biguous, idle, and ill-founded all the fictions 
of the poets are ? pay no regard to them, there- 
fore, for the future ; if you expedt to be enrolled 
in the lifl of the good and virtuous. 

C R I T I A S. 
Well remember'd, Triephon ; but, pray, in- 
form me, are the affairs of the Scythians re- 
giflered in this book ? 

O yes, all nations; if there happen to be 
any good men amongft the Gentiles. 
C R I T I A S. 
There muft be a great many fcribes then in 
heaven to take down every thing. 
Softly, my good friend, let us have no reflec- 
tions on this propitious god : if you hope for 
eternal life, liften to me as an humble catcchu- 

§ NorJ}}aJf, l^c] See OdyfTey, a. 35. 
Vol. IV. H h men : 

466 P H I L O P A T R I 3. 

men : if this god could fpread out the heaven, 
fix the earth upon the waters, form the ftars, 
and create man, what wonder is it if he could 
alfo obferve and mark down all their adions ! 
you know well enough thofe of your fervants hfi 
your own family ; cannot God, therefore, with 
more eafe, know all the adlions, and penetrate 
into all the thoughts of men ? as to * your 
gods, they are but a jeft to, and ridicule of all 
men of fenfe and underftanding. 

C R I T I A S. 

You talk moft divinely, and reverfe the 
llory of Niobe: for from a ftatue I am be- 
come a man. 


By this god^ therefore, I fwear, I will do ycm 

no harm. 

C R I T I A S. 

If you really love, you will not deceive me, or 

* _- — - think one thing, and another tell ; 

But let me hear this wonderful converfatlon, 
which you were witnefs to, that I alfo may 
grow pale with aflonilhmenr, and be changed, 

* TourgoJs.'] If the Philopatrls had been written, as 
Gsfner contends, by that Lucian, who was the friend of 
Julian the Apoftate, is it probable he would have talked 
thus of a religion profefied by the emperor ? 

f Thiukf tsf.:] See Iliad, I. 313. 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 467 

as you are, into another creature. I would not 
be deftroyed, like Niobe, but, like another 
Philomela, live to fing your wonderous tale. 
T R I E P H O N. 

By the fon, who proceeds from the father, 
I mean not to deceive you. 

C R I T I A S. 

Go on then, and may the fpirit give you 
power of fpeech ! I will fit here, 

• In filence waking, till you ceafe the fong. 

T R I E P H O N. 

Going into the high ftreet to buy fome things 
which I wanted, I faw a prodigious concourfe 
of people whifpering to one another, each man*s 
lips ftriking, as it were, to the ear of his neigh- 
bour. I clapped my hand over my eye-brows, 
and looked .fharply on every fide, to fee if I 
could fpy out any of my acquaintances amongll: 
them, when luckily I faw Crato the -f officer, 
my old friend and J pot-companion. 

* In filence, "l See Iliad, I. icj.i. 

•f Officer?^ Gr. rioXtTixoy. Sic vocat (fays the commen- 
tator) quod tanquam pcrsequator, feu c^KrwTJjf, aliquam, 
T»!? TToXiTayj^-, partem admlniftraret. — Peiirquatores fuereqvii 
quantitatem, feu modum cenius aquarent : thefe were, ac- 
cording to the bell idea we can now form of them, a kind 
of tax-gatherers (as I have tranflated it), or rather, per- 
haps, commiirioners appointed to fuperintead the public 

J Pof-compan>OK.'\ Gr. "Evi/.tt^jt^kdy, 

H h * C R I- 

463 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

C R I T I A S. 

You mean the tax-gatherer. Well, what of 

him ? 

T R I E P H O N. 

I Immediately bullied through the crowd, and 

made up to him, and bade him good morrow ; 

when, behold, one Charicenus, a (linking old 

fellow, coughing and fpitting about, fcreamed 

out mod violently, and In a cracked voice, 

cried, " This man, as I told you before, will 

pay all debts, public and private, and will pay 

no regard to prophets and footh-fayers." He 

faid a great many things, more harfh and more 

abfurd than thei'e, which the multitude fccmed 

greatly delighted with, and liftencd attentively 

to, becaufe they were new. Another, whofe 

name was Chlevocharnius, in a gown eat up by 

the moths, without ilioes or hat, made fliift to 

mutter out : " A certain man, poorly cloathed, 

who came from the mountains, with a bald 

pate, hath infcribed his name in hieroglyphic 

chara(fters in the theatre, who was to pour in an 

inundation of gold." Upon this, I went up to 

him, and faid, according to the interpretation 

of § Ariftander and Artemidorus, thefe dreams 


§ Jrlfianiler^ ^tr.] Ariftander, as PHny informs us, was 
■a famous foothfayer, and a companion of Alexander the 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 469 

thefe dreams of your's will never come to pafs ; 
your debts will be increafed inftead of paid ; 
and this man, with all his gold, will be firip- 
ped even of the farthing which he has; for 
you feem all of you to be only dreamers on 
the ^ white rock, who have idle vifions every 
night:." At this they almoft choaked ihem- 
felves with a loud laugh, which they fet up 
in contempt of me. '* Have I, faid I, interpre- 
ted rightly, according to Ariftander and Arte- 
midorus ? or am I out in my -f- fcent, as the 
comic poets fay?" To which he replied, '' Tri- 
ephon, be filent ; if you can hold your tongue, 
I will inliruft you in moft wonderful myfteries, 
and tell you what will foon come to pafs; but 
take heed that you call not thefe things idle 
dreams, for they are true, and will be fulfilled 

within the month ot t Mcfor." When 1 heard 

Great, who, we are told, relied much on his veracity, 
Artemidorus was another prophet of the fame ihimp. His 
learned trentife on divination by dreams is llill extant. 

* Tfje tvhJ/e rod.] bee Homer's defcription of the def- 
cent into hell by Leuca's rock, at the beginning of the 
kll book of the Odyfley. 

-j- SccHt.] Gr. 6|f/J;u<7a. The Greek word, as Gefner ob- 
ferves, is peculiar to Lucian, and feems to have been a 
technical term drawn from hunting. What comic poet he 
ulludes to, we cannot fay, as the word does not, I believe, 
occur in any now extant. 

I Mcfor.] An ^Egyptian month, fo called, aufwerable 
to our Auguft, 

H h 3 this 

470 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

this from Crato, I blulhed at their folly and 
nonfenfe, rated him feverely, and took my 
leave : but one of them looking fternly at 
me, with the afpedt of a Titan, laid hold on 
my gown, and malicioufly detained me : by 
him I was at laft perfuaded, in an evil time, 
fool that I was, to go to the meeting of thefe 
cunning deceivers ; for he told me he was fkilled 
in all their myfleries. We pafled the Tartarean 

§ With burning chains fix'd to the brazen floors. 

And lock'd by hell's inexorable doors. 

and winding through a long (lair-cafe, at length 
arrived, as jj Homer fings, at the golden cham- 
bers of Menelaus ; where, though I looked 
round on every lide, I could find no Helen ; 
but inftead of her, a heap of pale-faced people, 
with their eyes fixed on the ground : as foon 
as they faw, they 4- came with joy to meet us, 
thinking, perhaps, that we might have fome 
melancholy news to tell them ; for they feemed 
to wllh for tribulation, and, like the Furies in 
a tragedy, to rejoice in anguilh and forrow i 

§ IVith, ^V.] SiJjjfiiat T£ CTtAati, xa* p^aXxioj a^oj. Ses 
Iliad, 0. 15. 

{[ Homo;] See Odyfley, A. v. 71. 
^ Came vjith joy. \ bee iliad, fi. 321. 


P H 1 L O P A T R I S. 471 

then, putting their heads together, and ^ whif- 

** Speak, tell me who thoa art, and what thy race. 
Thy town, thy parents, and thy native place ; 

faid they to me ; if we may judge from your 
habit and appearance, you feem to be a * good 
man." " There are very few fuch, replied I, 
to be met with : my name is Triephon, and I 
am of the fame city with yourfelves." They 
afked me then, how things went on in the city, 
and in the world : " Very well, faid I, the 
people are happy, and will be more fo." 
" That, cried they, frowning moft dreadfully, 
can never be ; for the city -j- teems with war 
and daughter." Upon this, I pretended to fall 

^ Wblfperlng.'\ See Odyfley. K. 325, &c. 

* A good 7nan.'\ Xpiro?. There is a doubt, amongft the 
commentators, whether this word Kpnro?, Chriftus, which 
fignlfies^W, does not alfo mean Chriftus, Chrill, or Chrif- 
tianus, a Chriftian. If the reader wiihes to fee this mat- 
ter handled at large, I refer him to Gefner's difTerration 
above mentioned. This leems, indeed, to me, to be a 
kind of pun, or double meaning in the word, and that the 
author meant to be witty on the occafion : if it be fo, we 
can only fay, we are forry for his miftake, efpecially on 
fuch a fubje£t. 

4- TVf/wj.] Gr. ^•.Thv.-a. The word is from the Frogs of 
Arlftophanes ; and as the fcholiaft tells us, «wo fAera^epof; 
Twv ^vr6xBc7«» ; a metaphor taken from the hard labours or 
mifcarriages of women. The cit>' has a hard or crofs biitb» 
and teems with nothing but misfortunes. 

H h 4 into 

472 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

into their way of thinking : " You, faid I, 
who are raifed above this world, who look down 
as it were from a watch-tower, on all things 
here below, muft look into futurity : what is 
doing in the air .? will the fun be eclipfed, and 
the moon perpendicularly under him ? will 
l Mars behold Jupiter in a quadrant, or Saturn 
oppofe the Sun in his diameter? will Venus 
and Mercury be in conjunftion, and beget 
more Hermaphrodites to pleafe you ? will there 
be violent rains, (howers of hail and fnow, with 
peflilence and famine ? will there be a great 
quantity of thunder and lightening ?" 

Upon this, they began to talk their nonfenfe ; 
and, as if they were doing fome great feat, told 
me, that the face of things would foon be 
changed ; that a great § multitude would come 


X Will Mivs, &c,] Here we have all the nonfenfe of ju- 
tllcial aftrology, the fame abfurd and ridiculous fyllem 
which prevailed among us during a great part of the four- 
teenth and fitteenth centuries : it was certainly very faHiion* 
able in the days of Lucian, as appears from feveral parts 
of his u-oilis. It may, perhaps, therefore, aflbrd fome 
comfort to the moderns, to refleft, that the ancients were 
nearly as fooliih as themfelves in this particular. 

§ Multitude, ^t'.] Here we have aflrange, obfcure, and 
almoft unintelligible account of a fet of Chriftians ; for fo 
we are Told they were, who get together into a corner, 
and amufe themfelves, like fo many modern Methodilis, 
with gloomy prefages of uuiverfal vice, infamy, and ruin, 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 473 

to invade the city, and our armies would 
be cut to pieces by the enemy. At this I 
grew enraged, and cried out, *' Ceafe, ye mi- 
lerable wretches, ceafe your vain boaftings : the 
evil prophecies which you pour torch againft 
your * country, Ihall fall upon your own heads. 
Not from heaven could you ever have heard 
fuch things,; nor could they fpring from your 
mathematical knowlcge : if magic and incan- 
tations have milled \ou into this idle fuperfti- 
tion, the greater fools are ye. They are no- 
thing but the dreams of old women, who de- 
light in fuch nonfenfe and ftupidity." 

C R J T I A S. 

And what did thefe foolifh fellows fay to this? 

T R I E P H O N. 
They had recourfe to their old fable. ** We 
dreamed all this, faid they, after a ten days 

without, as ue can find, any reafon or foundation for it. I 
ftiould rather, therefore, be inclined to think, that thefe 
prophets were nothing but a company of heathen aftrolo- 
gers, with perhaps two or three ignorant converts toChrif- 
tianity mixed amongft them, from whom the author nicked 
up his few fcattered and imperlect notions of our religion. 

* Country ] This part of the dialogue, probably, gave 
to it the name of Philopatris, or the lover of his country; 
though, I think, it might with full as much propriety have 
been called the Aitrologers. 


474 P H t I, O ? A T R I S. 

faf!j which we kept, watching every night, 
and fijiging hymns, and facred fongs.'* 
C R I T I A S. 

"What anfwer did you make to that ? 
T R. I E P H O N. 

O, no bad one, I affure you : '' What the 
citizens report of you, faid I, is very true ; it 
ait comes to you in dreams." " They are 
-f waking dreams, however, replied they/* 
" Let them be ever fo true, cried I, they are 
mot altogether fafe: in fadt, you idle away your 
time in telling fuch things as neither are,, nor 
ever can be. Some how or other, in thefe 
dreams of your's, you feem to ha;ve an averfion 
to every thing that is good and pleafant, and 
to delight in evil and misfortunes ; in what can 
never be of any fervice or advantage to you. 
Leave off, therefore, thefe abfurd and ridicu- 
lous- prophecies and predidtions, left, whilft 
you are thus calling down vengeance on your 
country, God ihould afflid you with fome 
dreadful calamity." Here they all fell upon 
:ind abufed me in fuch a manner, that 1 was 
petrified, as it were, into a ftatue : but your 
eonverfaiion has loofened my hard joints, and 

f Waking lirrains.'] Gr. ilu ra y^iyc»a, e::tra le6tulum. 
W e do not dream them in bed. 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 275 

made me a man again. " Shall I tell you how 
they treated me ?" 

C R 1 T I A S. 

By no means. I befccch you let us have no 
more of their nonfenfe. You fee how I am 
fwelled and ready to burft with it already. I 
am juft as if I had been bitten by a mad dog; 
if I do not apply a remedy immediately, the 
very remembrance of it will make an end of 
me ; fay no more, therefore about it, but be- 
gin a prayer from the father, and end with 
the * doxology. 

But what have we here ? is not that Cleola\3S 
flriding this way in fuch a hurry ? Shall we 
call him to us ? 

It muft be he : by all means. What, ho ! 
Cleolaus ; 

f Stop, gentle ftranger, pafs not by, but come 
And join us here. 

* Doxology.] Gr. 'Tro^^.vuavfAov «J,». I "have ventured to 
tranilate it thus from the learned Fabrlcius. Ode polyono- 
mos (fays he) cujus meminerit Lucianus, five quifquis auc- 
tor, in Philopatride, nihil aliud eft quam c'oxologia. See 
alfo, Smith's Account of the Greek Church, where this 
paffage is quoted. 

f Sto/>, Isfc] As this is in verfe in the original, it is 
probably quoted from fonie tragic wiiter not now extant. < 


476 P H I L O P A T R I S. 

C I. E O L A U S. 

Your fervant^ mofl: noble pair. 

T R I E P H O N. 

What is the matter that you are in fuch 
liafte? you feem quite out of breath : are there 
any particular news ? 

C L E O L A U S. 

X At length the eye of Perfia is no more ; 
Great Sufan the fam'd city foon fliall fall. 
And all Arabia own the vigor's povv'r. 

C R I T I ' A S. 
Thus it is, 

§ That God ilill mindful of the good and jud. 
Doth ne'er forfake, but takes them to his care. 

Triephon, we are fallen on happy times. 

1 knew not what, when I died, to leave my 

1 At length, fe't-.] More iambics in the original, but 
yvhether quoted from any ancient writer, or made purpofely 
by the author, we know not ; the annotators are extremely 
puzzled about the hifts here alluded to, which, I believe, 
will reyer be afcertained. I fliall, however, take the firll: 
opportunity of writing a large treatife on this fubjetSl; where- 
in I propofe to iix the exaft time when this dialogue was 
written, and to prove by whom, with an exadit account of 
ail the wars, fieges, &c. that happened tor fome hundred 
years before and after Lucian'a time, which will fettle this 
important affair. 

But this talk I fliall not perform, till I have — nothing 
elfe to do. 

§ That God^ Cs'c] More iambics, but heaven knows from 


P H I L O P A T R I S. 477 

children, for I am no ftranger to your povert)', 
nor you to mine : but the life: of one ^ emperor 
will now be enough for them ; never {fhall \V4 
want riches while he furvives, nor Ihall any 
nation be able to terrify or alarm us. 
T R I E P H O N. 
And I, CritiaSj wiU bequeath to my chil- 
dren, the happinefs of feeing Babylon deftroyed, 
and ^gypt fubjedt to the Roman yoke. 

And Perfia's fon's in i chains of fervitude, 

the Scythians repulfed ; would I could fay, 
totally fubdued. Mean tinie, let us, with hands 
ftretched out to heaven, return, thanks to the 
unknown God of Athens, that we are thought 
worthy of being fubjcdts of fo excellent a mo- 
narch. Let them go on with their follies, and 
reft contented with the old proverb, | All this 
is nothing to Hippoclydes. 

* One eTiiperor.l What emperor this was, we know not ; 
fome fay one and fomc another. For a fokuion of this 
difficulty, J muft therefore refer my readers to the above 
mentioned difputation, whenever it fliall be written : in the 
mean time, in compliment to the learned Gefner, let the 
honojar, if you pleafe, remain with Julian. 

•j- Cha'nis.'] AbAeim r/^-taj. See Iliad, r. 463. 

X All this ^ ^c] See our author's Treatife on Depend- 
entj, &rc. 

T O 







The translator. 


The learned Gesner is of Opinion, that this Dia- 
logue was not written by Lucian, and calls it, 
Scholafticam aliciijus Declamationem prope pue^ 
rilem^ a mere School- Boy^s Declamation : the 
English Reader will, howe'uer, I believe, be 
far from thinking fo. It is, undoubtedly, Lu- 
cian'j ; and, though not, as a Fainter would 
fay, in his bejl Manner, is, by no Means, a con- 
temptible Performance : being, probably, as I have 
remarked with regard to tzuo or three other of 
his Pieces, a Kind of Declamatory Exercife, made 
hy him for one of his Pupils, when he was en- 
gaged as a Teacher of Rhetoric : but let my Rea* 
ders judge for themfelves. 

H E E. M I P P U S. 

TAKING a walkj the other day, into the 
fields, near town, partly for the fake oC 
a little refrefliment, and partly becaufe, hav- 



ing occafion to meditate on fomething, I willied 
to be quiet and retired, I met Proxenus, the 
fon of Epicrates, and, after the ufual compli- 
ments, afked him whence he came, and which 
way he was going : induced, he faid, by that 
pleafure which arifes from a view of the country, 
and to enjoy the mild and wholefome air, he 
had rambled that way, being juft come from 
a great feaft in the Pir^us, made by Androcles, 
who had facrificed to Mercury, on account of 
a vidtory which he had gained at the * Dia- 
fia, by writing a book. He recounted a num- 
ber of agreeable things that happened there; 
and, amongfl the refl, told me of fome fpeeches 
made in praife of beauty, which he could not 
himfelf, he faid, being an old man, perfedly 
remember, efpecially as he was there but a 
little time : you, however, he was fure, could 
repeat them eafily, as you were one of the 
fpeakers, and had attended to every thing du- 
ring the whole entertainment. 

It was, indeed, Hermippus, as he told you : 
but, 1 am afraid, I cannot accurately defcribe 

* Diajia.] A feaft fo called, in honour of Jupieer the 
Propitious, octto th Aicj xoit tvj? cierr,!;, from Jupiter and mis- 
fortune ; becaufe, by making fupplication to Jupiter, they 
obtained protedion and deliverance from every evil, 



it all ; nor could I hear every thing, for the 
jioife made by the company and fervants toge- 
ther ; befides, that it is one of the moft diffi- 
cult things in the world to remember what 
paffes at a feaft, as you very well know how 
forgetful it is apt to make even thofe who have 
the beft memories : to oblige you, however, I 
•will endeavour to do it as well as I can, and 
give you as many circumftances as I can poflibly 


H E R M I P P U S. 

I thank you for your kind promife ; but, if 
you would give me an exadt detail from the 
beginning, tell me the name of the work which 
Androcles repeated, who it was he conquered, 
and who were yourgucfts, I fhould be infinitely 
obliged to you. 

C H A Pv I D E M U S. 

The book, I mentioned, was, the Praife of 
Hercules, written by him, and delivered to 
him, as he faid, in a dream ; the man he gain- 
ed the vidlory over was Diotimus, of Megara, 
who contended with him for a -]- barley- cake, 
or, rather, merely for honour and glory. 

H E R- 

•f Barley cake.] A barley-cake may appear to us but a 
poor reward for a good poem, and, perhaps too much for 
a bad one : the ancients, however, as Mr. Well fenfibly 
obferves, diftribut'ed fuch prizes for very good reafons, be- 


C H A R I D E M U S. 481 


And what was the fubjedt ? 

An Encomium on * Caftor and Pollux> 
which he made, out of gratitude for his de- 
livery from imminent danger, b}' thofe two dei- 
ties, who appeared on purpofe to fave him ; 
but, befides thefe, many more were at the 
feaft, both relations and friends : the chief 
perfons, however, worth mentioning, who led 
the converfation, and fpoke in praife of beauty, 
were Philo, the fon of Dinias; Ariftippus, the 
fon of Agafthenes ; and myfelf. Cleonymus, 
the handfome nephew of Androcles, fat next 

ing fuch as, *' having no intrlnfic value in themfelve?, 
could be of no ufe to the conquerors, but merely as emblems 
or evidences of their victories, and, as fuch, entitled them 
to the ^fteem and applaufes of their countrymen : by the 
meannefs of thele were the Grecians given to underlland, 
that praife and glory were the proper recompenfe of merit 
and virtue." See Weft's Differt. on Olympic Games.— 
After all, a cake of any kind, is more than many a modern 
poet either gets, or perhaps deferves, for his performance ; 
and a barley-cake as fit a reward for the Choice of Her- > 
cules, as a butt of fack for a Birth-Day Ode. 

* Caftor, fefc] Thefe two illuftrious deities made, we 
are told, no inconfiderable figure in the Argonautic expe- 
dition, and affifted in gaining the golden fleece ; after which 
they employed themfelves in chafing the pirates that infeft- 
ed the Archipelago ; for whii.h they were, after their death, 
raifed to the rank of gods, and woifhipped by all mariners. 

Vol. IV. I i to 

482 C H A R I D E M U S. 

to us, a delicate and beautiful young man^ 
and who feemed to have a good underftand- 
ing ; for he liftened attentively to every thing 
that v^as faid. Philo was the firfl fpeaker in 
praife of beauty, and began thus— 


Do not begin the fpeech, my friend, till you 
iirft inform me what it arofe from. 


I was going through the whole difcourfe, as 
fall as I could, and you interrupt me ; bur, 
if a friend lays violent hands upon us, we 
muft fubmit. The fubjedt, then, took rife 
from the beautiful Cleonymus, who fat between 
me and his uncle Androcles, which brought on 
a difcourfe about the young man, amonglt the 
lower part of the company, who were prodi- 
gioully flruck with his extraordinary beauty, 
and, forgetful, as it were, of every thing elfe» 
were lavilh in their praifes of it ; when we, 
who valued ourfelves on our tafte for, and 
knowlege of, the beautiful, thinking it a ihame 
to be excelled by the vulgar and illiterate, be- 
gan to make it the fubjcd: of our difcourfe 
alfo : we refolved, however, not to confine it 
to the boy only, (efpecially as it might make 
him vain and luxurious,) nor^ like them, to 

C H A R I D E M U S, 483 

fay every thing that came uppermofl, without 
order or method ; but to fpeak one by one, 
and fay every thing upon it that our memory 
could fuggefl to us : whereupon Philo took the 
firft part, and thus began : 

*' Whilft, in every thing we fay or do, we 
are in fearch of the beautiful, what a refledioa 
would it be upon us to take no notice of beauty 
jtfelf, or to pafs over that in filence, which 
is the perpetual objedt of our labour? what 
proper ufe can we ever make of our eloquence, 
if we do not employ it on that which befl de- 
fcrves our attention ? or, what can we do better 
than, leaving every thing elfe, confine our- 
felves to the great aim and end of all P Bur, 
left it Ihould be faid that I didate to others how 
they fliould eft, and, at the fame time, negledt 
it myfelf, I will fay what I can on this fubjedt. 

•' With regard to beauty, then, it is a per- 
fedlion which all wifh to obtain, but very few 
are thought worthy to poilefs : thofe who do, 
are, doubtlefs, the happieft of all beings, and 
honoured both by gods and men. Amongft 
the deities, who, of heroes, were made gods, 
are Hercules, the fon of Jove, Caftor and Pol- 
lux, and * Helen : the former, indeed, gain- 

* HeknJl Euripides, who was feldom over complaifant 
lis to 

484 C H A R I D E M tJ a 

ed this pre-eminence by virtue, but Helen ac-* 
quired it by her beauty, and was not only 
changed into a goddefs herfelf, but immorta- 
lized her brothers alfo, who, before her af- 
cent into heaven, were numbered with the 
dead. We cannot, moreover, find any mor- 
tals, but thofe who were remarkable for their 
beauty, ever aflbciated with the gods : for this, 
Pelops was permitted to tafte ambrofia ; and 
with this, Ganymede, the fon of Dardanus, 
gained fuch an afcendency over the great Jupi- 

to the ladies, has, contrary to all other ancient authors, 
affured us, that this celebrated beauty was perfedly virtu- 
ous ; that it was not (be who was carried away by Paris, but 
an image or reprefentation of her, framed by Juno, merely 
to deceive him, and to revenge herfelf on the Trojan 
youth, for giving the apple to Venus. The real Helen 
was, in the mean time, conveyed to Pharos, in jEgypt, 
where Menelaus found her, on his return from the fiege of 
Troy, was reconciled to, and carried her back with him.— 
On this ftrange ftory was founded the apotheofis of Helen, 
whom the Spartans, it feems, worfhipped as a goddefs, and 
ere(fted a temple to her. Herodotus, moreover, informs us, 
that the ladies ufed to invoke her aid, to make their chil- 
dren handfome ; and tells us a droll ftory of a rich Spar- 
tan, who had a very ugly child : a perfon appeared to the 
nurfe, and advifed her to carry it to the temple of Helen, 
from whence it returned a molt beautiful girl, who was 
afterwards married to Arifto, king of Sparta. If this was 
really the cafe, and which, as we have Herodotus's word 
for it, cannot be doubted, the temple of Helen, we may 
be affuied, was always pretty well frec^uented. 


C H A R I D E M U S. 485 

ter, who left all the deities, and fled with 
him to Ida. So fond, we know, of beauty 
was the father of the gods, that he not only 
honoured the poffcflbrs of it with a feat in 
heaven, but, when he went down to earth, 
changed himfelf into a fwan for Leda, into a 
bull for Europa, and, in Amphitryon's fhape, 
begot the immortal Hercules. Every body 
knows the ftratagems which he made ufe of to 
poflefs thofe he loved. It is extraordinary that 
the poets lliould reprefent him to us as fo fe- 
vere and impetuous in his convcrfe with the 
gods, infomuch that, in his firft fpeech to 
Juno, who ufed to reproach him for his amours, 
he fo terrified her, that Ihe feemed happy his 
anger was confined to words alone ; and, in the 
next, all the deities were ftruck with terror, 
when he threatened to hang up earth and fea : 
and yet this terrible god, when he addrelfed the 
fair, was mild, gentle, and kind to all ; laid 
afide the deity, left he Ihould appear difguft- 
ful to them, and aflumed the moft beautiful 
forms to entice them ; fuch deference and ref- 
pecl did he always pay to beauty. 

But left, it Ihould be objeded that we fpeak 

of this rather to find fault with Jupiter, than 

for the honour and praife of beauty^ moft cer- 

I i 3 taia 


tain it is, as all who refled mufl acknowlege, 
that all the deities were as fond of beauty as 
Jove himfelf. * Neptune was ftruck with the 
form of Pelops, Apollo admired Hyacinthus, 
and Cadmus was the favourite of Mercury. 

The p-oddeffes alfo blufli not to acknowlege 
the power of beauty, and yield their charms to 
the handfomeft men : there is no quarrel 
amongft them for precedency, on any other 
account. Minerva prefides over war, and 
leaves hunting to Diana ; Juno takes care of 
nuptial affairs, and contends not with Venus, 
who guards what is committed to her care ; but 
in beauty, they would all be thought to excel, 
and each imagines herfelf, in that, fuperior to 
all the reft. The goddefs Strife, who wifhcs 
to fee them deftroy each other, makes ufe of no 
means but this to carry on her defigns againft 
them. This, alone, might fuflice to prove 
the power of beauty : for no fooner was the 
apple fecn, and the -f infcription on it, than 
each believed it muft belong to her, and that 
every vote would be in her favour. To Ju- 

* Ncptwir.'] Concerning this little amour of Neptune's, 
feePhiloftratus, Tzetzes's notes on Lycophron, and Cice- 
ro's 'f urcQuceft. 

t Infcripthn.l Detur pulchrimx ; let it be given to the 
n;ult beautiful, 


C 11 A R I D E M U S. 4S7 

piter, the brother and hufband of one of them, 
and father of the others, they referred the 
caufe : but though he could fo eafily have 
decided it, though there were fo many able 
and learned judges of it, both amongft the 
Greeks and Barbarians, he fubmitted it to Pa- 
ris ; by that, alone, determining the fuperiority 
of beauty over ftrength and wifdom. So great 
was their ambition to be thought beautiful, 
that they perfuaded the great poet, who fings 
of gods and heroes, to diftinguifti them ra- 
ther on that account than anv other. Juno 
took more pleafure in the epithet of | white- 
armed, than in being called the venerable 
goddefs, or daughter of the great Saturn ; 
Minerva chole the blue-eyed maid, rather than 
Tritogenia ; and Venus rejoiced, above all, in 
the title of "^ golden, becaufc it was an em- 
blem of beauty. 

This, whilll it fhevvs the opinion of the 
gods concerning beauty, is, at the fame time, 

X lFh:tc-armccl,'\ Aitjy.uXitoq vfa '. fo ihe is always called in 

* GoUefu'] Venus is always called Xpij-Eu Ai^pooVij, or 
Venus Aurea, moll probably on account of her hair : Ho- 
race too mentions his flavaChloe. Yellow was the fafliion- 
able colour for ladies locks, amongil both Greeks and Ro- 
mans : poor Kit Smart, therefore, not unfrec^ueatly called 
his red-hair'd lady «' the lafs with the dajical hair." 

114 an 

488 C H A R I D E M U S. 

an indifputable proof of its fuperior excellency, 
Pallas preferred it to valour and wifdom, both 
of which Ihe was the avowed patronefs and 
protestor ; Juno held it in higher efteem, far 
above power and empire, and called in Jove to 
bear teflimony with her : if, therefore, there 
is in beauty fomething fo noble and fo divine, 
that the gods themfelves pay fo much attention 
to it, fliall not we, in imitation of them, both 
ill word and work, value, efteem, and proted: 
it ?" 

Thus did Philo harangue in praife of beauty 5 
adding, that he fhould have fpoken more copi- 
oully on the fubjedt, but that he knew a long 
oration was ill-fuited to a feaft. To him fuc- 
ceeded Ariftippus, though it was not without 
much difficulty that he could be prevailed on, 
by the preffing intreaties of Androcles, being 
very loth to fpeak, he told us, after Philo ; at 
length, however, he began thus : 

" It very often happens, that men, quitting 
thofe fubjedts that are noble and ufefuJ, apply 
themfelves, out of vain-glory, to fuch as can 
give but little pleafure to their hearers, either 
faying what has been laid before, or talking 
about things of no confequence or importance : 
left I fliould myfelf fall into thefe errors which 
I condemn, I Ihall make choice of that matter, 


C H A R I D E M U S. 489 

whicb, I am fure, mult be agreeable to my 
audience, and which will afford me the ampleft 
|ield for difcuffion. 

** If we were on any other fubjedt, one 
fpeech might have fufEced to illuflrate it ; but 
beauty fuggefts fuch a variety of arguments, 
that no man need be afhamed that he cannot 
difplay it to the full ; happy is he, if he can 
add fomething to the praifes already beftowed 
on it : it is, indeed, fo honoured and efleem- 
ed, both by gods and men, that thofe who pof- 
fefs it, are loved and valued, and thofe who 
want it, hated and defpifed by all, who has 
eloquence enough to treat it as it ought to be 
treated : but if no man, any more than my- 
felf, can expe<ft to handle fuch a fubjed: ac- 
cording to its dignity and importance, there is 
nothing ridiculous in my attempting to fpeak 
concerning it, even after Philo. 

Beauty has fomething in it fo noble, and fo 
divine, that (to pafs over the honour in which 
it was held by the gods, and confine myfelf 
to its power over men), Helen, the daughter 
pf Jove, even before fhe had reached the age 
of maturity, was univerfally admired, infomuch 
that Thefeus, who came to tranfadt fome affairs 
1^1 Peloponnefus, fell fo violently in love with 
' her. 

490 C H A R I D E M U S. 

her, that, though poflefTed of a mofl noble 
kingdom, and crowned with glory, he thought 
there was no joy in life without her, and that 
if he could gain her for a wife he Ihould be the 
liappieft of mankind. As fhe was under age, 
lie could have no hopes of her father's confent, 
he left his own kingdom, defied all the power 
of Peloponnefus, and took her away from her 
father, by force of arms, and carried her to 
Aphidna, with the affiftance of Pirithous, whom 
he ever after fo loved and valued on that ac- 
count, that the friendfhip of Thefeus and Pi- 
rithous is handed down as an example to pof- 
terity. When he went down to hell, in pur- 
fuit of Proferpine, Thefeus, after in vain en- 
deavourino; to diffuade him from the enter- 
prize, accompanied, and ran the hazard of his 
life to fervc him in it. When fhe returned, 
in her riper years, to Argos, in the abfence 
of Thefeus, the Grecian princes, though, they 
had the iinefl and moft beautiful women of 
their own, were all eager to poffefs her; but 
fearing, as they were all ready to fight for her, 
that a civil war would enfue, they bound 
themfelves by a common oath, jointly to de- 
fend him vv'ho fhould be thought worthy of 
her, aiid not to fuffer any to attack or injure 

him ; 

C H A R I D E M U S. 491 

him; every one flattering himfelf that this 
might be his own happy lot : but all, except 
Menelaus, were difappointed. They abided, 
however, by their agreement. When, not 
long after, the difpute arofe among the god- 
defles, which of them was the moft beautiful, 
and the decifion was left to Paris ; who, fuf- 
pended by the charms of the candidates, and 
by the bribes they offered him, knew not 
how to determine : for Juno promifed him the 
kingdom of Afia, Minerva perpetual viftory 
in war, and Venus the poffeffion of Helen : re- 
fleding, at length, that empire might fall to 
the meaneft and moft unworthy, but that He- 
len could not * defcend to pofterity, he pre- 
ferred the enjoyment of her. 

" When Europe firft came forth againft 
Afia, and the war with Troy was declared, the 
Trojans, had they reftored Helen, might have 
lived in peace ; if Greece had not contended 
for her, Ihe might have been freed from all 
her toils and dangers ; but neither of them 
thought they could fight in a nobler caufe, 

* Deftcn^.'\ This is a new and ingenious defence of Pa- 
ris's choice. Too much, however, is faid in this part of 
the dialogue about Helen, which fmells too much, we 
muft own, of the fchoUillic lamp, and confirms my obfcr- 
vation concerning it. 


492 C H A R I D E M U S, 

than for the poffeffion of her : the gods them^ 
felves, not only permitted, but even prefiecj 
their fons to engage in the war, though they 
foreknew that they muft perilh in it, thinking 
it not lefs glorious to die for Helen, than to 
be defcended from the immortals : but why 
need I mention their fons, when they them- 
f^lves, for her fake, entered into a more ter- 
rible war than that which they waged againft 
the giants; there they were united, but in this 
they fought againft each other, an unanfwer- 
able proof how fuperior beauty is to every thing 
^Ife in the opinion of the gods : for nothing 
elfe did they ever quarrel among themfelves ; 
whilfl for this alone, they not only facrificed 
their own offspring, but fought againft each 
other, and were wounded, is it not plain that 
they preferred beauty to every other cgnfider- 
ation ? 

*' But, to dwell no longer on this head, let 
us call to mind the aftonilliing beauty of * Hip- 
podamia, the daughter of Oenomaus, how 
many noble youths preferred death, to life 
without her ! When this lovely virgin grew 
up to be marriageable, her father fo admired 

* Hippoihmia.'] This ftory is interefting, and well toli 
by Lucian ; the iame i:\\t is related by Philoilratus, 


C H A R I D E M U Si 493 

her extraordinary beauty^ that, contrary to the 
dictates of nature, he became deeply enamour- 
ed with her, and wifhing to keep her to himfelfy 
to avoid fufpicion, he gave out (a falfehood as 
infamous as his guilty paffion), that he was 
ready to beftow her on him who Ihould beft 
deferve her ; to carry on his purpofe, therefore, 
he contrived, with the greateft art and labour, 
a chariot, fo formed as to move with wonder- 
ful celerity, and joined to it the fwifteft horfes 
in Arcadia; in this he contended with her ad- 
mirers, laying It down as a condition, that 
whoever conquered him Ihould have his daugh- 
ter, but if they failed, they were to fufFer death ; 
obliging her at the fame time to accompany 
every one of them in the chariot, that their 
eyes being fixed upon her whilft they drove, 
they might be carelefs and inattentive. The 
£rft lover failing in his attempt, and lofing 
both his miftrefs and his life, the reft of them, 
aihamed to decline the contefl, and detefting 
the cruelty of Oenomaus, rufhecj with ardour, 
one after another, upon their fate, as if they 
wilhed to faciifice their lives for fuch an objed:. 
Thirteen youths thus perilhed ; but the gods de- 
tefting fuch barbarity, and pitying the unhappy 
virgin, whofe youth and beauty were thus de- 

494 C H A R I D E M U S. 

prived of all enjoyment, and lamenting the fate 
of her devoted lovers, took the young man 
(Pelops), who was next to contend for her, 
under their prote(5tion, gave him a chariot of 
exquifite workmanfiiip, and immortal horfes, 
by which he gained the virgin, after flaying 
his inhuman father-in-law. 

So divine a thing is beauty in the eyes both 
of gods and men ; it is a fubjefV, therefore, 
which all muft deem moft worthy of our difcuf- 

Thus ended Ariflippus. 

H E R M I P P U S. 

There remains nothing now to crown the 
whole, but the fpeech of Charidemus, which 
I muft beg him to repeat. 


I befeech you, Hermippus, do not afk me 
to go any farther : I meant only to tell you 
what they faid ; befides, that I really cannot re- 
coiled: all that I advanced on the occafion ; it is 
eafier to remember other people's fpeeches than 
one's own. 


But I did not want fo much to hear their'a 
as your*s ; this was my aim from the beginning^ 
and if you refufe me, all you have done hither* 
to is to no purpofea I beg, therefore, you will 


C H A R I D E M U S. 495 

let me have the whole fpeech as you promifed, 
C H A R I D E M U S. 

You had better fpare me, and be content 
with what you have ; however, as you are fo 
extremely delirous of hearing my fpeech, thus 
it was : 

" Had I been the firft fpeaker in praife of 
beauty, I fhould undoubtedly have ftood in 
need of an exordium ; but as I come after 
others, I may coniider what they have advanc- 
ed in their fpeeches as a kind of procemium to 
mine; efpecially, as they are ail made at the 
fame time and place, fo that they may pafs for 
one continued oration, of which each takes 
a feparate part : what you have already faid 
might be praife fufBcient for any other thing; 
but on this fubjed: there muft always remain 
enough unfaid, to employ the tongues of thofe 
who come after us ; it will ftill afford various 
topics, as in a fertile meadow, there are alwa}"^ 
frefh flowers to attradt the eye of the traveller, 
I will endeavour, therefore, to feledt fuch argu- 
ments as may beft illuftrate it, and fpeak as 
briefly as poffible in praife of beauty. 

Thofe who excel in valour, or any other vir- 
tue, unlcfs they conciliate our affedlions, by 
conferring perpetual obligations on us, are ge- , 
nei'ally the objeds of envy and hatred ; but by 


496 C H A R I D E l/I U S, 

the beautiful we are caught at firft fight ; w6 
do not envy, but love them beyond meafure^ 
worlhip them as deities, and are never tired of 
waiting on them : there is more pleafure in 
obeying them, than in commanding others, 
and the more injunctions they lay upon, the 
happier do they make us. With regard to 
other good things, when we have acquired 
them, we look no farther ; but of beauty we 
never think we have enough : fhould we even 
excel the * fon of Aglaia, who came with the 
Grecians againft Troy, or the fair Hyacinthus, 
or the Lacedaemonian NarcifTus, we Ihould flill 
be afraid that one yet more beautiful might 
arife, and be the admiration of poflerity. 

In every thing beauty is the great ftandard 
of perfection, which all have in view : by this 
the general forms his army, the orator makes 
his fpeech, the painter finifhes his pidture; 
beauty is the great end of all : and fo it is alfo 
in all thofe things which are neceffary and con- 
venient to us. Menelaus did not fo much con* 
iult ufefulnefs as beauty in his palace, but en* 
deavoured to llrike the eyes of all with admira- 

* Sou of, ^c."] Nereus, of whom Homer fpeaks thus, 
Nereus, in faultlefs fliape and blooming grace. 
The loveliell youth of all the Grecian race. 

See Pope's Komer's Iliad, book ii. 1. 817. 


C H A R I D E M U S. 49; 

tion at their firft entrance in it, nor was he 
difappointed : for when the fon of Ulyfies came 
there, in fearch of his father, he fo admired 
the fumptuoufnefs and beauty of it, that he 
faid to Pififtratus, the fon of Neftor, f 
Such, and not nobler, in the realms above, 
My wonder didates, is the dome of Jove. 

His father alfo, when he led his Ihips againft 
Troy, had them finely painted, that they might 
be gazed at : all the arts, in fhort, if we ex- 
amine them, will be found to aim at beauty, as 
their gr at and principal objed:. 

It is the J beautiful, moreover, which exalts 
the virtues, which adds charms to juftice, to 
wifdom, and to valour ; it is this which makes 
every thing valuable, ^ and without which it is 
mean and contemptible. What is not beau- 
tiful we call bafe, as if, where beauty is not, 
there could be nothing worthy of admiration. 
Thofe who ferve tyrants we call flatterers; and 
thofe alone who pradtife the good and beautiful 

f Alluding to the fpeech of Telemachus, on feeing the 
palace of Menelaus at Sparta. See Pope's Homer's Odyf- 
fey, book Iv. 1. 84, 

i T/jc bea74tifiih'\ A doiftrine which is at large illuftrated 
by Plato, Cicero, lord Shaftefbury, and many others. 
Surely this is not what Gefner calls puerile declamation, 
but the work of Lucian, and by no means unworthy of 

Vol. IV. K k do 


do we admire ; to thefe we give the title of the 
lovers of induftry, and beauty. 

Since beauty, therefore, hath fomething in 
it fo noble and divine, that it is univerfally 
fought after, and univerfally obeyed, Ihould we 
not be highly blameable, if we did not all en- 
deavour to celebrate, to acquire, and to pre- 
ferve it ?" 

Thus did I fpeak concerning beauty, omit' 
ting a number of things which might have 
^een faid, as the converfation was already 
drawn to fo great a length. 


Happy were you, I think, to be prefent at 
fuch a one, and not lefs happy have you made 
me by your relation of it. 


N E R O; 




^he CharaBer of this ah fur d Tyrant was too fair an 
Ohje6i of ridicule to efcape the Notice of Lu- 
ciAN, who has given us two or three Traits of 
him, not marked, I believe, by any other Author, 
The Satire, though f:>ort, is pointed andfevere; 
it zvas rather a lucky Circmnfance, therefore, for 
our Author, that Nero died before it zvas publifh- 
ed, Mojl of the Commentators ajfert that this 
Piece was net zvriiten hy Lucian. The Reader 
mujl judge for himfelf 



WAS not that cutting away of the * Iflh- 
musj which Nero, they fay, certainly 
intended, a defign truly Grecian ? 
M U S O N I U S. 
He had ftill greater things in agitation, Mc- 
nccrates, I aflure you ; he was for ihortcning 

* The Ijlhinufl Oi Corinth ; for an accouut of this 
icheme, fee Pliny's Natural Hilloryj book iv. chap, 4, 

K k 2 the 


the fallors voyage, by cutting through about 
twenty fladia. 


This would have been very advantageous to 
the commerce both of the maritime and in- 
land cities : the latter, you know, have always 
plenty, when the former are taken care of. 
Pray, Mufonius, if you have no particular 
buiinefs, give us an account of this expedition^ 
lA'hich we all wifh to hear. 

M U S O N I U S. 

That I will with all my- heart; nor know i 
how I can better make you amends, for corn- 
ing to a "j- fchool fo difagreeable as this. 

Know then, that the love of poetry carried 
Nero into Greece, who was already firmly per- 
fuaded that the Mufes could not ling fweeter 
than himfelf; his ambition was to be crown€4 
for his verfes at the Olympic games, the 
greatell: and moll honourable feat of renown ; 
as to the Pythian, he thought they more pro- 
perly belonged to himfelf than to Apollo, who, 
in finging and playing on the harp, was by no 
means able to contend with him. The lilh- 
nius was not aqiongd thofe fchemes which he 

f Af^'J^oly ^f.] Mufonius the philofopher had been 
batiKhed by Nero, and is fuppofed to be vifited in perfoii 
by Meneciates. Sec Philoilratus, 


THE I S T H M U S. 501 

liad premeditated, but happening, to fee the 
place, he was ftruck with the magnificence of 
it, and calling to mind the * Grecian king at 
the liege of Troy, who divided Euboca from 
Boeotia by the Euripus ; and that Darius, when 
he went againft the Scythians, made a bridge 
over the Bofphorus, not forgetting the noble ex- 
ploit of Xerxes : add to this, that he thought 
the making fuch a communication would be a 
high treat to the Grecians. It is the nature of 
tyrants, however intoxicated with power, to be 
fond of public applaufe. Coming out of his 
tent, therefore, hefunga hymn to Neptune and 
Amphitrite, with a fmall ode in praife of 
Melicerta and Leucothoe : then receiving a 
golden fpade from the Grecian prefident, he ap- 
proached towards the Ifthmus, amongft the 
ihouts and applaufes of the multitude, and 
llriking the earth three times, he exhorted 
thofe to whom the care of the work was com- 
mitted to go on with it as faft as poffible ; and 
then returned to Corinth, thoroughly fatisfied, 
no doubt, that he had exceeded all the la- 
bours of Hercules : the ftony and more labo- 
rious parts were done by the flavc3, the level 

• Grecian king.'] I do not remember that this circum- 
fiance is mentioned by Homer, or any other author now 

K k 3 . and 

^o2 NERO; OR, 

and eafy fell to the lot of his foldiers: about 
the twelfth day, as we were in the midft of 
our work, a rumour was fpread that the em- 
peror had changed his mind, and would not 
have it done ; the ^Egyptians, it was faid, had 
meafured the height of the two feas, and dif- 
covered that one was lower than the other ; they 
were afraid, therefore, that the iiland of ^gina 
would be overflowed : but the wife Thales 
himfeif, who had the deepeft knowlege of na- 
ture, would never have diffuaded Nero from 
cutting away the Ifthmus, which he had fet 
his heart upon, even more than on finging in 
public; it was an infurreftion of the Eaft, 
and the attempt of "f~ Vindex, to eftablirti a 
commonwealth, which drove him out of Greece, 
and put an end to his cutting the Ifthmus, 
though he talked ridiculoufly about meafuring 
the two feas, which, to my knowlege were 
both of an equal height ; but his power and 
that of Rome they fay is falling off, as you 
heard yefterday from the tribune. 

But pray, Mufonius, fo furioufly fond as he 
is of mufic, and of appearing at the Pythian 

•{• Fltidex.'] His proprietor, or lieutenant in Gaul. See 



and Olympian games, what fort of a voice 
has he ? For of thofe who heard him at Lem- 
nos, fome admired, and fome laughed at him. 
His voice, to fay the truth, is neither admir- 
able, nor contemptible, nature has endowed 
him with a very tolerable one; by the preflure 
of his throat it gives a deep and hollow found, 
fo that he does not ling but roar out his 
fongs ; when he does not trull too much to 
himfelf, the * accompaniments fupport him ; 
and with regard to melody, fetting his fongs 
well to the lyre, and keeping time, it was on- 
ly a Ihame that an emperor fhould acquit him- 
felf fo well in them ; but when he pretended 
to imitate the great mailers, what laughter 
did it excite amongft the fpedlators ! though 
woe be to them that fmiled on the occafion : he 
would frequently draw in his breath, Hand 
upon his tip- toes, and turn backwards and for- 
wards, like a man upon the rack ; then would 
his face, which is naturally f rofy, become 
quite red and fiery : his breath is Ihort and 
never holds out. 

* ^ccompatiimcnts,'] Gr. o»3*s to»oi tuv ^^oyyuv tmy^iaaajt 


t Ro/y.] Alluding to his charaaer of a toper, for which, 
we are told, he was fu eminently dlftinguilhed, as inftead 
of Tiberius Nero, to be called Biberius Nero. 

K k 4 ME. 

504 NERO-, OK, 


But how do thofe behave who contend with 
him, do they always acknowlege his fuperiority 
in the art, and yield to him ? 


Jufl as they do in wreftling; you remember 
the tragedian that perilhed at the Ifthmian 
games ; a mufician who oppofed him would 
be in equal danger. 


How was that ? for I never heard the flory. 


It is almoft incredible : but all Greece vva* 
witnefs to it. 

There is a law forbidding tragedy or comedy 
to be exhibited at the lilhmian games; Nero, 
notwithftanding, refolved to have a conteft with 
the tragedians : amongft thofe who difputedthe 
prize with him was a man of Epirus, who had 
an excellent voice, and was univerfally ad- 
mired for his ad:ing, fo ambitious was he of 
gaining the crown, that he would not give it 
up to Nero for lefs than ten talents ; this exaf- 
perated the tyrant, the Epirot was heard mak- 
ing his demand behind the fcenes, and the 
Grecians highly applauding him, when Nero 



fent one of his * adtors and commanded him 
to yield, which he refufed, and made a noifc 
amongft the people, whereupon Nero ordered 
his own adtors to take poffeffion of the ftage, as 
more fit for it ; thefe men had ivory tablets in 
their hands, open at both ends, and pointed 
like daggers, with which fattening the Epirot 
49 the next pillar, they cut his throat. 


By fuch a horrid ad:, committed in the eyes 
of all Greece, did he then gain the prize ? 
M U S O N I U S. 

This was a mere trifle, for a j'oung man 
who flew his own mother : what wonder was 
it that he fhould take away the life of a tragic 
player, who attempted to fiience the Pythian 
oracle, and flop the mouth of Apollo him- 
felf ! though the Pythian placed him amongft 
the -f Oreftes's, and Alcmseon^s, who, by the 
murther of their mothers gained a kind of 
glory, as it was done to revenge their fathers ; 
but this tyrant had no fuch excufe to plead, 

* ^^ors."] Gr. uTToxotTa?, hiftriones. Adolefcentulcs, fays 
Suetonius, equeftris ordlnis, &c quinque amphius millia c 
plebe robuftiflima juventutis undlque elegit, qui divifi in 
fa(9:ioncs plaufuum genera condifcerent, &c. 

Hi quidem, fays the commentator, plaufuum imx^iren^ 

t Orejei's] See Suetonius's Life of Nero, c. 39. 


5o6 NERO; &c. 

though he thought himfelf fo much Injured by 
the oracle, which did not fay half fo much of 
him as he deferved. 

But what fhip is this coming in ? It feems to 
bring fome good news ; the men have garlands 
on their heads, which is a happy omen. Some- 
body flretches out his hands from the deck, 
bids us be of good chear, and if I am not mif- 
taken, fays, Nero is dead. 

It is fo ; I hear him plainer as he comes to- 
wards the fhore. 

M U S O N I U S. 
Thanks to the gods ! a happy event. 
No more of that : X fpeak not evil, as the 
proverb fays, of the dead. 

t Speak notf isfc.'} De mortuis nil nifi bonum. A trite 
and foolifh maxim ; as, without proper reilriftions, a 
compliance with it may be attended with many bad cnnfe- 
quences, and tend to make men carelefs of their behaviour 
in life, and little concerned for the future confequences 
of it. 




The translator. 


O R, . 

The gout-tragedy. 

fhis is a Kind of Dramatic Interlude, or Mock- 
Heroic Poem, containing a fine burlefque Imita- 
tion of the Greek Tragedians^ together with a mofi 
. fpritely and fever e Satire on the Empirics of his 
Time, who, like the boafiing Pretenders of our 
own, were perpetually findi?ig out Cures for a 
Diftemper which the Experience of Jges had al-_ 
ready proved to be incurable. The Dramatis 
Personje are, a Gouty Man, a Chorus ofPriefis, 
all labouring under the fame Dforder^ and at- 
tendant on Gout, who is introduced as a Goddefs, 
with her Agents, or Tormentors, bringing in two 
unfortunate ^'.ack Do5fors, whom they had fciz- 
ed, and zvbom f]?e ptr/vJJjes according to their De.~ 
ferts. The whole is fo well written, and with 


^o8 TR AGO POD AGRA; or, 

fuch infinite Humour, that, with all the Di/a4- 
vantages of a 'Tranflatlon, I defy any gouty Man, 
if the Fit is coming on, to read it without trembl' 
ing, or, if it is going off, zvithout laughing. 

As the Original is in moji excellent Verfe, it 
was irnpojfible to do jujiice to the Author in a 
profe Tranjlation of it, I have therefore attempted 
a poetical one. 


ONAME for ever fad, abhorr'd of heav*n. 
Parent of groans, from darkCocytus fprungj 
Immortal Gout ! in gloomy Erebus, 
Whom erll * Meg^ra, dreadful Fury, bore ; 
And from her poifon'd breafts Aledtho fed : 
What dsemon fraught with malice fent thee forth 
To range o'er wretched earth, and plague man- 
kind ? 
If mortals, for their crimes committed here, 
Are doom'd to fufFer in the realms below, 
M'^hy offer Tantalus th' eluiive wave, 
Why torture poor Ixion with his wheel, 
Or bid the wretched Sifyphus uproll 
The ftill-revolving (lone ? Confign'd to thee. 
And to thy tendon-racking pangs, the guilty 

* Megara.'] Gout is born of one of the Furies, and fuc^" 
led with poifonous milk by another ; nothing can be more 
ftrong and poignant than this whole defcription of her. 



Had mourn'd a heavier punifhment. — Alas ! 
How is the dry and vvither'd body torn 
By ceafelefs agonies ! from head to foot 
With loathfome poifon fiU'd, that pent within 
Adds double mis'ry, whilft thy tyrant force 
Writhes my full veins, and flops up ev'ry pore; 
The fiery mifchicf thro' my bowels runs. 
And with its flames confumes my trembling flefli, 
^v'n foj thro' JErna's hoarfe-rcfounding caves. 
Or where Sicilia's burning -f rocks o'erhang 
The narrow fea, in fpiry wreaths burfls forth. 
The never-ceafing flame : thou | curelefs ill \ 
How vain the pow'r of med'cine to alTuage, 
Or mitigate thy wrath, alas ! how vain 
Our foolifh hopes, but flati'ring to deceive ! 

Whilft on § Cybele's facred hill. 
The Phrygians altars raife. 

And Dindymus with raptures fill 
To beauteous Attis* praife, 

f Rocks.] Scylla and Chary bdis. 

J Curelefs.] 

Tollere nodofam nefcit medlcina podagram. Ovid. 

§ Cybele.'] The mother of the gods, w ho, we are told, 
fell in love with Attis, a beautiful boy, whom (lie made one 
of her priells, and enjoined him chaftity, or rather, as we 
may fuppofe, conftancy to herlelf: he proved, however, a 
naughty boy, and being talle to her, (he ilruck him with 
madnefs; he was, notwithftanding, after his death, wor- 
^ipped with her on mount Dindymus in Phrygia. 


510 TR AG OPOD AG R A; ok. 

On Tmolus* lofty heights, whilft L)'dians fmg 
To the loud harp, and celebrate their king; 
The * Corybantes madd'ning train. 

Their Cretan meafures found, 
Chaunting their Evoes o'er the plain. 
To Bacchus dancing round, 
Whilft the hoarfe trumpet's clangor, from afar. 
To dreadful battle wakes the god of war t 
Gout, all-pow'rful goddefs, we 
Solemn dirges ling to thee. 
When firft, by genial zephyrs fanned. 
The trees their early buds expand. 
When tender blades of grafs appear. 
And jocund fpring leads on the year^ 
Whilft Philomela, all-night long. 
Repeats her melancholy fong } 
And "i^ Progne mourns, in tender ftrain. 
Her nuptials fad, her Itys ftain. 
We at thy ftirine, with groans and bitter cries, 
All-pow'rful gout ! thy orgies folemnize. 


O crutch ! thou beft reliever of my pain. 
My third kind foot, fupport thefe tott'ring fteps, 

* T/jc Corylantes ] Minifters or priefls of Rhea, in Crete. 

f Pro^ne.'\ Married unfortunately to Tereus king of 
Thrace, and afterwards chunged into a fwallow. See O- 
vid's Met. book vi, 



Direct my path, and once more let me tread 
The folid earth ; rouze, wretch, thy torpid limbs. 
Leave thy dark room, and melancholy couch. 
For the fun's genial ray; ftep forth, and breathe 
The wholefome air : full fifteen tedious days 
Have I been pent within the difmal gloom 
Of a ficlc chamber, from the chearful light 
Of Fhcebus long excluded, and confin'd 
To the rough horrors of an * unmade bed : 
Fain would I reach the door; but my flow limbs 
Refufe their aid : do thou, my adtive foul. 
Urge on the lazy load ; for he who would. 
But cannot move, muft fink into the grave. 

But who are thefe with -f- elder chaplets crowned. 
Who on their cruthes lean ? They are not thine, 
O Paan Phoebus ! for no laurel boughs 
Their temples wreath ; nor do they chaunt to 

The feftive lay, for on their brows no leaves 
Of ivy twine ; fay, gentle guefis, what god 
Claims the fair tribute of your welcome fong ? 

* U}t?nade.'\ Gr. Et;>a»{ tv ar^wToicrj, 

-(• Elder.'] Gr. A>£Tiaj, fambuci, quia, fays the commen- 
tator, fambuci folia TroiJay^xoi? /So>)Set /xETa rE*To? Tccopem n 
rfuyna, according to Diofcorides. And becaufe alfo fam- 
buci tenerrima folia, cum pari pondere radicum planta- 
ginis, fuillaque axungiae veteris contrita fubac^aque po- 
dagricos dolores prcefentaneo auxilio m ulcere fcribuntur a 
Matthiolo,— Remember, my good learned readers, this in- 
fallible Recipe for the gout. 

C H O- 


c HO R u s. 

Say, what art thou ? for by that hobbling gait. 
And J flrong fupporter, we Ihou'd call thee prieil 
Of that unconq,uer'd deity, whom we 
Ourfelves adore. 

Can fuch a wretch as I am 
Be worthy of your goddefs^s attention ? 
To briny § Nereus's tender care. 

Was Cyprian Venus giv'n, 
When gliding through the ambient air. 
She left her native heav'n ; 
Whilft Tethys nourifli'd, with unceaiing love. 
The white -arm'd confort of Olympic Jove, 
Her birth, great Jupiter, to t'^ee. 

And to thy brain's prolific throes. 
The war-exciting deity, 

Minerva, virgin goddefs, owes. 
Our happier miftrefs great * Ophion bore 
In his foft arms, when, chaos now no more, 

I Sfrong.] Alluding to his crutch, which Luclan hunao- 
roufly ftyles his thinHoot, 

§ Nercus."] Alluding to the old fable of Venus fpringlng 
from the froth of the fea. 

* Ophion.'] To raile the dignity and confequence of his 
goddefs, Xucian carries back her birth to the remoteft pe- 
riod of antiquity, and makes her coeval with Ophion, who 
ivas fuppofed to exill before Saturn, 



Frefh rofe the fun, and with refulgent ray, 
Difpers'd the gloom, and lit up chcarful daj% 
Then firft great Gout appeared, from Clotho 

Whilft at her birth the joyful welkin fung. 
All heav'n was pleased, ev'n griefly Pluto fmiPd, 
The wealthy god, and nurs'd the darling child. 

What facred marks diflinguilh thofe who wait 
On this all-pow'rful deity, her priefts 
Seleded ? 

C H O R y S. 
We pour forth no myftic blood 
Before her altars, nor in knotted wreaths 
Bind up our hair, nor yield our naked'back 
To painful flripes, nor feed on the raw flefh 
Of bulls ; but when the fmiling fpring puts forth 
His elder buds, and the flirill black-bird fings. 
Then doth our goddefs on her facred train, 
Infiiift the deep-felt wound that pierces fore 
Through wrift, foot, ankle, (hin-bone, flioul- 

ders, arms. 
Neck, head, hips, hands, thighs, back, and 

ev'ry part 
Pricks, tears, confumes, burns, poifons, and 


Then am I, goddefs, thy true prieft, which yet 
Vol. IV. LI I knew 


I knew not : come, propitious deity ! 
Here let me join thy followers, here perform 
The rites to thee, and hymn the folemn fong. 
Be hufh'd, ye winds, and heav'n ferene ; 
For, lo ! the * bed admiring queen 
Approaches ! on her crutches, fee. 
She comes ; hail, pow'rful deity ! 
Accept the pray'rs of thy devoted train. 
Smile, goddefs kind, and mitigate our pain. 


What mortal knows not me ? unconquer'd 
Great queen of pain, whom not the reeking blood 
Of many a vidtim on the altars flain, 
Nor richeft incenfe, nor the votive gifts. 
O'er the proud temples hung, can e'er affuage. 
Nor mighty Ptean's felf, with all his herbs 
Medicinal, nor Phcebus's Ikilful fon, 
Great ^fculapius, can fubdue : fincc man 
Was firft created, hath he rafhly ftrove, 
But ftrove in vain, with ev'ry fruitlefs art 
To check my conquefls, and elude my pow'r. 

* Bed-aclmirifig,'\ Gr, K?u»o;i^afEf, ledo gaudens, an ex- 
cellent epithet. 



Whilft fome their plantaiK 
lage brins. 
Lettuce, or purilane, hore-houru . n ,, 
Fen-gather'd lentlles, or the Peilid. . ', 
Leeks, fcallions, poppies, hen bane, or rhe I'lid 
Of ripe pomgranate, frankinccnff , jnci ilea-vvur:. 
The root of potent hellebore, or liitre; 
Some lleep'd in wine, the hufks of beans prefcilbe, 
Or fpavvn of frogs, a fov'reign cataplijUii, 
Carrot, or -f- pirripernel, or barley flour. 
Or gall of cyprefs tree, the healing dang 
Of mountain-goat, or Ciill more fetid man, 
Colewort, or gypfum, or the well-ground fand 
Of * Afia's pow'rful Hone, with bean-flour niix'd. 

Others, fagacious iribe, call in the aid 
Ofweafels, toads, hyaenas, ruddocks, ftngs, 
And foxes : ev'ry metal, and the tears 
Diftill'd of ev'ry tree ; bones, nerves, and iklns 
Of ev'ry beafl:, milk, urine, marrow, blood, 

A potion fome of four ingredients, feme 
Of fev'n or eight prefer, fome oft repeat 

^ P Impei-fiel.^ Gx. KoX?^xiJi,ipxx.ov, which I can make no= 
thing of, there being, as my learned friend Sir George 
!5aker oblerved to me, no fuch Greek word ; he was, there? 
fore, of opinion, that the true reading here, muft be x..^x- 
gtov, and the rather, as he iudicloufly remarked to me, be- 
caufe Paullus has a medicine for the gout, which he call$ 

* JJta.] The lapis Afficus. Ex Afio lapide, (ays Diof* 
f o^'ides, fit podagris cataplalma curn fab^ loniento. 


The facred bitter; fome to the pure fpring 
Medicinal, whilft others trull to charms, 
And -f incantations, which the wand'ring Jew 
Hath ever ready for his gaping throng. 

Mean time I laugh, and I bid the fools go weep. 
Who mock me thus, and but incenfe my rage ; 
Whilft to the humble, who oppofe me not, 
I'm ever mild and gentle ; my true prieft 
Mufl: curb his tongue, be chearful and ferene. 
With merry tale and jeft ftill jocund be. 
As to the § baths they lead him, will divert 
Th' affembled throng, and is by all admir*d. 

I am that || Ate, whom great Homer lings. 
Who from the head down to the tender foot 

4- Incantat'iofts,'] Pindar tells us, that ^-Efculaplus feme- 
times made ufeof thefe, and Homer informs us, that when 
Ulyfles was wounded by a boar, 

\ Bid., i^c.'\ Gr. Tot-Tosj 'macrw oi^w^siv ^syw, exactly lirnl" 
lar to that line of Horace : 

Difclpularum inter jubeo plurare cathedras. 

§ Baths^^ The ancient phyficians, we fee, as well as the 
modern, fent their gouty patients to Bath. 

II AtcJl The goddefs of Vengeance, thus defcribed by 

Not on the ground that haughty Fury treads, 
But prints her lotty footfteps on the heads 
Of roightv men, infliding as ihe goes, 
Long-feil'ring wounds, inextricable woes. 

See Pope's Homer's Iliad, book xix. 1. 95. 



Of wretched mortals pierce, and therefore call'd 
Podagra: hafte, my faithful priefls, prepare 
The facred hymn, and celebrate my praife. 


Relentlcfs goddefs, virgin deity ! 
With Adamantine heart ! behold, to thee 
We bend. O pow'r invincible, give ear. 
And liften to thy humble fuppliant's pray'r ! 
Even the great almighty Jove, 
Who darts the lio-htnins: from above. 
Will lay his forked terrors by. 
And fhake with fear when thou art nigh. 
Old ocean roars beneath thy tortVing pain. 
And Pluto trembles in his dark domain. 
* Bandage-loving, couch-frequenting, 
Knee-afHi<fling, bone-tormenting. 
Race-impeding, foot-fole-burning, 
\ Peftle-hating, ankle-turning. 
Humbly, lo ! we bend to thee. 
Unconquerable deity ! 

* Bandage-loving.'] Gr. E7r*ois-jwoj(;af;£{. Thefe compound 
epithets, which I have tranflated literally, are incompa- 

■j- Pcjile-hating.'] AoiJoxofo^a, piflilll timens. Qiiia, fays 
the commentator, tinnitus ex piftilli in mortario coltifionc 
podagris permoicfrus. This is a whimfical reafon, as it 
fuppoles the patient to be always within hearing of the mor- 

L 1 3 Enter 


Enter MESSENGER, hinging in with 
him Tzvo §luack Dotiors. 

Hail ! honour'd miftrcfs ! for in happy hour 
Thou com'ft, and no unwelcome news 1 bringj 
For know, obedient to thy great beheft, 
Irang'd the cities round, and every houfe 
With liow but willing feet have vifited. 
To mark if any mortal cou'd be found. 
Who wou'd not own thy pow'r, which all con- 

Thefe two alone excepted, impious pair ! 
Who loud harangu'd the populace, and fwore 
Thou vvcrt not worthy of refped or honour. 
Nor hadft dominion o'er the lives of men. 
Wherefore with all due fpeed, in five days 

Not lefs than two long fladia have I travell'd^ 
And brought them hither. 

Swifteft mefienger, 
Well haft thou flown ; but fay, through what 

rough ways 
Have th\ fwath'd feet been dragg'd ? 

Efcap'd the danger 



Of five bad (laves, vvhofe timbers Ihook be- 
neath me. 
On a hard road whofe flintj^ pavement tore 
My tender feet, 1 travelled long; then fuiik 
Into a flipp'ry path, and often dragg'd 
My weary'd footfteps through the clay and mire, 
Till fweat bedew'd my limbs : at length 1 came 
To a broad way, which, far more fmooth than fafe, 
Perplex'd me fore, where chariots, coaches, carts 
Of ev'ry kind, cki every fide fo prefs'd. 
That fcarce cou'd I avoid their rapid wheels. 
For, well thou know'ft, thy priefts can feldom run. 

Well haft thou done, my trufty friend, and well 
Shalt by thy miftrefs be rewarded for it. 
From this time forth, for three whole years, 

thy pains 
I will abare ; they lliall be light, and borne 
With eafe. — But, what are you ? by gods and 

Detefted ; impious flaves, who dare oppofe 
My pow'r invincible : fay, know ye not. 
That I have conquer'd ev*n Saturnian Jove, 
Subdu'd unnumber'd heroes? mighty Priam, 
From me was called * Podarces, by this hand, 

* Podarces.'] no^a^xi;, pedibus celer ; Quafi per anti- 
phrafin, fays the commentator. This is a kind of pun not 
intelligible to the Englifli reader. 



Great Peleus's Ton, the fam*d f Achilles, fell ; 
'Twas I, and not his fall from Pegafus, 
That klU'd the brave J Bellerophon : by Gout 
The royal Theban, § Oedipus, was flain. 
And Piifthenes, and || Poean's haplefs fon, 
Who led the Grecian fleet, Theflalia*s king, 
And Ithaca's, * Laertes' godlike fon, 
Whom not the fpine of pois'nous turtle flew. 
But Gout's more certain llroke. An equal fate 
You may expedl, and worthy of your crime. 


We are of Syria, from Damafcus, urg'd 
By cruel hunger and fore poverty, 

t Achilles'] Alluding to the ll:ory of his being dipped in 
the Styx by his mother Thetis, and rendered invulnerable 
in every part but the foot, in which he was afterwards 
wounded by Paris and pede captus, feized by the foot : 
Lucianiritimates, therefore, that it was, in truth, the gout, 
and not, as reported, Paris, that killed him. 

X Bellerophon.'] Who fell off Pegafus, broke his thigh, 
and went lame ever after: fuch is the common report; 
but Lucian tells us, it was nothing but the gout. 

§ Oedipus] Gr. 0ii5*i7raf, another pun, or play upon the 

\\ Pceansy fe'f.] Philofletes, who was bit by a ferpent in 
the ill>ind of Chryfa, and continued lame, for many years, 
at Lemnos. See the famous tragedy of Sophocles on this 
fubjeiSt. After all, we learn from Lucian, that this alfo 
was nothing but a fit of the gout. 

* Laertes, feV.] Ulyfles, who was flain by Telegonus; 
his fon by Caly^ fo. See Homer's Odyffey. 



We roam o'er earth and Tea, a wretched pair. 
And hither have we brought this precious oint* 

Which our dear father did bequeath unto us, 
This grand fpecific, cure of ev'ry ill, 


What ointment, villains ? how is it preparM ? 


That, bound by oath, w^e never mufi: reveal; 
Our father, on his death-bed, did enjoin us 
Ne'er to unfold the fecret of this great 
This potent med'cine, which defies thy rage. 


Is there on earth a pow'r that can fubdue 
Unconquerable Gout ? audacious Haves, 
To brave me thus ! but foon fhall it be known 
Which is the ftrongeft, or your boafled ointment. 
Or my envenom'd dart ; ye Uiinifters 
Of vengeance, come ; approach, my faithful 
■ My fierce tormentors, fellow-labourers. 
With this my feftive Bacchanalian train, 
Hafte, and perform my dread commands; do thou. 
With painful twinges pierce their tender feet. 
Seize thou the knotted wrifl, and thou the hand ; 
To you, my trufty agents, I commit 



Their arms, joints, knees, and thighs ; go, 

bind them fall. 
And torture with variety of pain. 

Great queen, thy orders are obey'd : behold ! 
Yonder they lie, their agonizing limbs 
Stretch*d on the ground, they groan beneath 
our torments. 


How fares your med'cine now, my noble guefts ? 
If it fucceeds, and can oppofe my pow'r, 
I bid adieu to earth ; henceforth concealM, 
In the dark womb of Tartarus profound 
Content to hide my ignominious head, 
We have apply'd our ointment, but in vain : 
For, oh ! I die, the fatal Ihaft fvvift runs 
Through ev'ry vein : not the red bolt of Jove, 
Nor the rough furge of the tempeftuous fea. 
Nor rapid whirlwind's force, can equal thine ; 
'Tis the keen tooth of hungry Cerberus, 
The viper's poifon, or * th'cnvenom'd fhirt 
Of the fell Centaur : O ! have mercy, pow'r 
Invincible ! no mortal remedy 

* 7"// invenom'd.l 

Nee munus humerla efficacis Herculis 
Exarfit seftuolxus, Hor, 



Can mitigate thy pangs; thou reign'ft fupreme 
O'er all, and we, with all, confefs thy fvvay, 


Ceafe, my tormentors, punifh them no more ; 
They do repent, and we forgive : henceforth 
Let mortals learn, that we alone defy - 

The pow'r of med'cine, and unconquer'd ftill. 
By human art, or human force, remain. 


+ In vain, of old, the ralh Salmoneus flrove 
To imitate the thunder from above ; 
Transfix'd he lies beneath the bolts of Jove, 

* Marfyas no more with great Apollo vies. 
But vanquifh'd yields the long-contefted prize ; 
Beneath an humbler form, by pride betray *d. 
Still fpins, unpity'd, the -f Moeonian maid; 

f In vain.'] This laft fong of the Chorus is not more 
remarkable for true humour, than for its fingular pro- 
priety. To raife the chara6ler of his heroine, the goddefs 
Gout, Lucian here makes her attendants enumerate the 
moft celebrated inftances of human raftinefs, feverely 
punifhed for contending with divine power. Very few of 
the tragic ChorulTes in iEfchylus, Sophocles, or Euripides, 
are fo well adapted to the fubjeft. 

* Mai-Jyas.] Who was flea'd alive for attempting to play 
upon the flute with Apollo. 

f Moeonian Maid.] Arachne, turned into a fpider, for 
contending with Minerva. See Ovid's Metamorphofes, 
b. vi. 


loan 'I 

;one, > 


Whilft Niobe, fad mother, doomed to moan 
Her haplefs lot, and numerous offspring g 
Laments her crime in ever-weeping ftone 

Such is the wretched fate that muft attend 
On impious mortals, who with gods contend. 
Gout ! O hear thy fuppliants pray*r, 
Us, thy conftant vot*ries, fpare ; 
Short and eafy be our pain. 
Let us feel our feet again ! 
i Hard is the lot of mortals here below ; 
But we fome intervals of comfort know. 
For ufe and patience leffen ev*ry woe. 
Ceafe, then, my fellow-fuff' rers, to complain. 
For the kind goddefs may relieve our pain : 
Mean time, be chearful, blith, and gay. 
And let us laugh our pains away ; 
This, this, my friends, is fuited to our flate. 
And this alone can footh the rigour of our 

+ Hard Is the lot, fe'f.] The original is a parody ci> 
fome lines in the Andromache of Euripides. 

I N I 



PA Lucianus Samosatensis 

A231 The works of Lucian